The following day found me at the second location of the "Introduction to Adventuring" class. It was your classic Florida orange orchard. Complete with a farmhouse, stormwater retention pond, and what looked like an obstacle course.

Earl stood out front with a dopy smile standing next to four picnic tables. One of the tables had a Dunkin Donut outlay. He also had a couple of mysterious bins and some bottles of distilled water shoved under the table.

I parked and walked over. "Yo."

Neil and Amanda were there, and they "yo'ed" me back.

Maria hadn't shown up yet. The businesswoman, what was her name, was there, and so was the Dood, who considered himself an expert. I gave them both nods. We were still waiting on three people, so I summoned a couple bagels, put them on the picnic table, and grabbed myself a sour cream glazed and a coffee.

When the rest of the class showed up, Earl put the first plastic box on the table and began to take stuff out. "Okay folks, gather round. The first thing you will do this morning is watch me make a simple healing potion. Knowing this skill might save your life. You'll also get the [Learn: Basic Alchemy] skill."

Alchemy? Meh. I was interested but not interested. I mean, in MMORPGs, it was a super useful skill. But it took a lot of time; it used a lot of weird ingredients. But the buffs. Plus, I had no interest in turning lead into gold or living a trillion fucking years.

"Keep in mind that what I will show you is not some panacea," Earl said. "But for what it does, it is straightforward to make. The University of South Florida has a patent on a slightly stronger version that we sell to local Tampa and St. Petersburg first responders. And we are trying to get FDA approval to sell to hospitals. So pay attention."

Earl pulled out a cardboard box, opened the lid, and pulled out a masonry jar. Next, he withdrew a baggie of mysterious leaves, a fifth of Sam's Club generic vodka, a measuring cup, an electric kitchen scale, and a glass stirring stick. Then he reached under the table for one of the gallon bottles of distilled water.

"These are called [Tin Thistle] by the [System]," Earl said, pointing at the mysterious leaves, "they are a magical plant with healing properties. You can buy a small batch of the leaves for 4xp, or a small packet of seeds for 2xp, from the [Market]."

"[Tin Thistle] doesn't grow well in our world unless you have [Basic: Mana Fertilize] and [Basic: Magical Plant Horticulture]. If you do, for whatever reason, decide on getting those skills and have a Willpower higher than 15 you will be offered the [Druid: Pledge], [Enhanced Greenhouse Technician], and [Basement Dwelling Pot Cultivator] classes. And yes, I know there are no basements in Florida due to the water table."

"The university has repurposed a small greenhouse for Dungeon plants. Some of our more enterprising grad students grow alchemical herbs to help pay for tuition. Better than Pot or OnlyFans, I suppose," Earl said, then blinked as if realizing what he had said, "What I am trying to say is that [Tin Thistle] isn't exactly hard to get. The going price is $30 for about 30 grams and $17 for the same amount dried. Both fresh and dried work fine for this potion."

"Measure out 10 grams and put it into your jar." Earl did this. "Add 50 ml of alcohol. Again for this potion, it doesn't matter which kind of alcohol you use. Stir. Screw on the lid, and put the mixture into a cool dark place for at least a week."

Earl put aside the jar he had been demonstrating with and then pulled out a second jar. A tiny amount of liquid was at the bottom of the second masonry jar. The color shifted between dark purple and copper and glissened when I looked at it.

"This is what you [Tin Thistle] and alcohol mixture will look like if you let it sit for a week. Notice the color. If you can get your hands on the [Basic: Infuse liquid] spell, you can save time and do this in less than a minute.

"The next step is simply to add liquid. Water is the usual substance we use to dilute the mixture, but I've heard that our students have come up with various mixed drinks. Apparently, suppose you mix the [Tin Thistle] infused alcohol with Mango Juice and food-grade glitter. In that case, they call it a [Tingly Come To Jesus]. It is a popular beverage at campus grad parties."

"What does it do?" The businesswoman asked.

Earl coughed embarrassedly again and said, "Ahem. You combine the infused alcohol base with 300 ml of water, mix, strain, and separate into 50 ml shots. That shot will cure 15 hit points over 20 seconds. It isn't a lot, l but it will stabilize someone about to die. Or give you a quick pick me up in battle."

The Dood laughed, "What a waste of time. I have over 200 hit points. Fifteen hitpoints would barely do anything."

Over 200 hit points? That meant he had over 20 in Strength. Or maybe an item? He looked like a weak and scrawny fuck. I mentally moved him over to the poser category.

Earl appeared doubtful, too, but he didn't say anything. "When our faculty and students enter a dungeon, they each carry at least three vials of this. Even in the parts of our dungeon, we have well-documented walkthroughs. Accidents can happen. These little potions are quite frequently a lifesaver. After some battles, everyone is tapped out of their mana, and a couple of these will get a party member from near dead to hanging on. And the great thing is you don't have to be part of the [System] to use them. Which is why we sell them to first responders."

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Earl pulled out some mason jars and "Go ahead and make a jar of the good stuff. You can take it home and add water later. From what I've been told, you get the [Learn: Skill] when you finish a successful potion, which means adding the water after seven days."

We all stood around stirring and mixing. It was mind-numbingly easy and every bit as boring. Somehow the Dood managed to screw it up, but everyone else finished up quickly. I wasn't sure how useful it would be with my [Basic: Cure Wound] and [Basic: Increase Healing Rate], but maybe Sid would be interested. I'd been near death and out of mana a couple times. Perhaps this skill wasn't so useless.

When everyone was done, Earl gave us a few minutes to pack our proto-potion away in our cars, then he had us line up in rows and handed each of us a rubber kbar.

"Okay, while I can't teach you how to fight, in the short time we have, I can teach you the basics and point you where to get more skills. The Grad Students at the University of South Florida use a bunch of martial arts. Clubs on campus have become really popular.

"But Professor Amy Smith in our bio-engineering department has emphasized the need for some standardization. Since she spent her wilder youth as a drill sergeant instructing recruits in the Marine Corps Martial Arts, we have made it our policy that all students and faculty suffer two weeks of combat training with her before they go in."

"We are not going to do the whole course. Though I can give you a phone number if you want to join the next class. We accept people who aren't students to audit the course.

"Remember that Marine Corps Martial Arts is not the best combat skill ever. Taking the full two weeks is not going to make you a killer. Nor will the couple hours I am going to teach you. Its Strength is that it can be taught quickly, even to people who frequently eat crayons. I will simply show you how to hold a knife and some basics. Enough to get the [Learn: Basic Knife Fighting] skill."

Maria held up her hand and said, "Lo siento. No can do it."

Earl smiled and said, "how about now?"

A look of Shock passed on Maria's face, "Dios mia." And she stood without the walker.

"I have a spell called [Basic: Basic Body Stat]; if you don't have at least an eight in any of your body stats, those stats are raised to eight for twenty minutes. Our first-level boss in the University dungeon has a negative body attribute debuff. Eight isn't very high, but it will keep you going for what we will be doing."

Earl had us line up in a row and then demonstrate how to hold the knife, how to slash, and how to do a stab. "Remember, slash to keep your opponent away, stab to move in. It is all about using the footwork I showed you."

"Maria, you stupid cow! You keep getting in my way," yelled the Dood.

Frankly, I was getting sick of the Dood. I had started playing a little game to keep myself from falling asleep. Whenever fuck-face blamed someone else for one of his screw-ups, I cast [Grow Hair] on his junk, back, or ass hair. Dood must have two-foot-long pubes by now. The next time he took a piss, he wouldn't be able to find his dick because of major Chewbacca groin.

Otherwise, learning to fight with a knife was cool but ultimately pointless. I had a sword. And a sword was like a giant, much more badass knife. And I'd bought the [Basic: Daggar] from the [System]. After a couple hours, I got the [Learn: Marine Corps Martial Arts] skill, and when Earl called a break, I was almost ready to head out.

While eating sandwiches for lunch, Earl told us, "The last part of this class is the obstacle course. If you don't want to do this, that's fine. But going through this course successfully will give you the [Learn: Basic Athletics] skill, and once you get the full skill, [Basic Athletics] gives you a plus 1 in your [Strength], [Endruance], and [Agility] attributes."

As an ex-high-school football star kicker crawling through mud, swinging from monkey bars, climbing a rope, and running through tires would be easy. I put down my sandwich and did the obstacle course in nothing flat. Easy peasy. Sure enough, I got the skill.

"You can improve the [Lean] by doing other exercise-type things. Lifting weights, jogging, three-legged races, and soccer will increase if you practice other skills like practicing your Marine Corp Martial Arts." Earl told me while we watched the others stumble around in the mud.

Then he looked me over. "Have you ever considered registering for grad school? I get the feeling you'd make a good tank, and it can never hurt to have another meat shield on the team."

I nodded. "I'll think about it. Thanks. I'm gonna head out. The phone number for the potion dealer is on the photocopies you gave us?"

"Yup. And if you have any questions, my email is on there too. We will send you a link to a course evaluation survey in a couple of days. Standard stuff. How did you like the course? Anything you would change? That kind of thing. We will also add your email to our mailing list about other Adventuring classes we offer when we come up with them. I think an Alchemy for beginner Alchemists class is planned, and we offer combat classes every couple of weeks."

I nodded again. Dood was yelling at Neil, so I spammed his palms a few times with [Grow Hair], got in my car, and drove away.

First, I headed home and took a shower. I was fuck tired and wanted a beer and company, so I figured a supper at Fitz would hit the spot.

As I was toweling off, the dungeon started to go crazy. Light appeared. It shot out of the entrance aperture, and beams, lasers, and rainbows glinted helter-skelter. Better special effects than SVU. My towel dropped to the floor, and I grabbed my sword and stood at the door to my guest room, [Shock] at the ready. Completely naked, balls dangling in the breeze.

The light show stopped. A tall man dressed in a black suit, wearing a top hat, stepped into my guest room and out of the dungeon. "How do I look," he said.

"Fuck." I said.

"Judging from your species' grammar, I believe your statement means you would like to copulate with me. Some other time maybe. Do I look human enough for your world? Our records are limited."

"Fuck you. Fuck me." I said again, still somewhat in awe.

The man in the black suit and top hat said, "I suppose you insist. Oh well, bend over. I will make this quick. I believe that you shall be the bottom in your world's terms." And he began loosening his pants.

"Stay away," I said, "I ain't gonna get raped by a bug-eyed alien today." And I raised my sword.

"I don't understand. First, my spells cannot detect bug-eyed aliens in the vicinity. Is that a variety of mob native to your land? Secondly, this dialogue is taking far too much time." He raised his hand, and I froze in place. My muscles were completely immobile.

"I hope you will not mind if I ignore your request for sexual intercourse? I really must be going. I have a schedule to keep. Toot-a-loo." He pushed past me and walked towards the door out of my condo. "If it distresses you, my spell should dissipate in five minutes."