When Emily and Sid left for the night, they were filled with excitement and plans for the future. They said they would come over after work tomorrow to help me lay bricks to build my safe room around my portal. I considered buying bunk beds and turning my living room into a dormitory since I foresaw a future in which Sidney and Emily would spend a lot of time here. It wasn't as if they could use the guest room anymore.

I ran the dungeon a few times to get experience and even went so far as to explore the floor the slime was on. A mock living room and kitchen were at the bottom of the steps. I sat on the carpeted floor and spent around 10 minutes detecting life and traps. I couldn't sense any traps, but I got a funny feeling from the dryer in the laundry room off the kitchen.

I gave the dryer a quick zap with electricity on the off chance it might move if it was a mimic. It did not. I then opened the dryer door and looked in. An Arm made of dryer lint grabbed me and dragged my head into the dryer. I was stuck.

Oh nos. I was trapped in the dryer. My worst Porno nightmare had come true. I didn't even have a stepsis nearby to take advantage of my helplessness. What would I do? What would I do?

The lint monster was still active inside the dryer. It kept on trying to fill my mouth and nostrils with dryer fluff. Casting a quick [Ignite] spell set the monster on fire, which was fine, but the currently burning monster was wrapped around my head, trying to suffocate me.

Casting [Moisten] on my face and hair repeatedly, I pulled myself out of the dryer and extinguished the fire. I was badly burnt even though I had only lost... holy shit 98 hit points, my face and head must be covered in 3rd-degree burns; it was a wonder I was aware enough to spam [cure wounds] and [grow hair] on myself a bunch of times. The scarring faded away, and my hair grew back. I looked like a Chewbacca; not wanting to worry about a hairstyle on this delve, I trimmed the hair out on the sides until I sported a grand mohawk.

Looting the dryer monster yielded a [spell crystal]. Having learned my lesson on the last [cystal] I'd found, I immediately broke it in my hand and accepted the spell [Summon Lint Elemental]

I also currently had 46xp that I could spend. And I couldn't see any doors except the one out onto the backyard deck and the one down to the basement. Neither of which I wanted to explore without an entire team.

Instead, I began o take apart the kitchen. Exploring every nook and cranny. I found an empty hidden compartment behind one of the backsplash subway tiles. And there was a suspicious hole leading to a secret room in the cabinet under the sink. I almost got shot by an arrow trap when I moved the washer and dryer combo out of the way. And I nuked the dishwasher with electricity before opening it because it looked like it would hold slimes.

Taking a chance, I moved the cleaning supplies out of the way and summoned a lint elemental. This one was cute, unlike the lint monster that had just tried to kill me. "I shall call you Mr. Linty," I said. Mr. Linty danced around and tried to look imposing. It clawed at the air with its tiny arms made out of dryer lint. Mr. Linty was about as scary as a pet bunny clawing at the side of its hutch, begging for a treat.

This book was originally published on Royal Road. Check it out there for the real experience.

Letting Mr. Linty take point seemed wise, so I sent him down under the sink and through the hidden hole. Once Mr. Linty was all the way through, I saw a club swing down and try to crush the poor little guy.

"I'm coming Mr. Linty." I yelled as I rapidly wiggled my way under the sink and through the hole. I was glad I had been laying off the donuts. It was a tight fit under there.

The room was empty except for Mr. Linty, who was trying his best to distract a 7-foot-tall Ogre, who I started spamming with electricity. I noticed a treasure chest in the corner of the room. I pulled out my sword. While I was doing this, the Ogre had already recovered his balance from taking a largely ineffectual swing at Mr. Linty. It had shifted its focus to me and was winding up to swing at my poor noggin this time.

Kicking forward with my feet, I rolled out of the swing, taking the hit to my midriff instead of my head. Owie! My hit points tumbled down 32 points from just that one blow. And my sword went clattering away, and I was knocked to the ground. I still had Mana, so I was shocked the SOB several times. While the Ogre was spasming from the current running through its body, I spider-crawled over to my sword, grabbed it, and managed to stand up.

The Ogre's club was moving at my face with incredible velocity, so I tried to block with my sword like I'd been shown in class. Fuck! The Ogre was one hella strong son of a bitch. Broke my cheap ass sword in half. Knocked off another 63 hit points. I still had my baseball bat strapped to my back, so I reached for that.

I wielded my club like a sword -- I'd bought the [Basic: Sword] skill days ago, and I couldn't see the point in increasing my [HEMA] skill in this actual combat. It took a fair amount of mental gymnastics to convince myself my baseball bat was a sword to get my skill to work. I had to pretend the baseball bat was a practice weapon. But it worked until I got a really good opening for a thrust. I took it and felt stupid when I didn't pierce the Ogre through the heart with the pointy end of an aluminum baseball bat.

My Mana was now high enough to cast a spell. I remember how effective pets were in WoW. And I needed that advantage now. It is your time to shine Mr. Linty. I commanded the fluffy dude to do more than taunt and tank. He should attack directly.

What can I say? Monsters made of fluff particulates are neither the most full tanks nor the best DPSs. Sure, the little puff ball could take a hit. Mental note blunt weapons didn't damage something that was basically all cushioning. But the lint had neither teeth nor claws. But what Mr. Linty did have was flammability.

Inspired by my fight in the dryer, I commanded my trusty elemental protector to climb the Ogre and wrap itself around the Ogre's head. Then I cast [ignite] on my buddy, watching the Ogre's head burst into flames. While the Ogre was distracted, I swung for the bleachers with my bat.

The Ogre fell to his knees. And I kept swinging. I was swinging as hard as any 55+-year-old conservative Christian couple from Nebraska who'd retired to the Villages, had left their front door invitingly open, and had strategically placed an upside-down pineapple on their porch.

The Ogre fell to its knees, desperately clawing at its face trying to peel my elemental buddy off. Then it fell flat on its face. "You killed Mr. Linty, you bastard," I yelled and hit it a few more times to inconvenience me, then I unzipped and pissed on its face to put the fire out.

Then I opened my [Status] to see how much experience I'd received from defeating the Ogre.