Nothing exciting happened over the walk except once when we were attacked by some sort of an angry bison that Hofred killed and then field dressed and stuffed into his inventory. Em tried to get him to point out edible wild plants and alchemical ingredients, but Hofred either wasn't interested in teaching or didn't care. We had Bison streaks that night, cooked over the campfire.

We finally reached a hill that stood out from the surrounding landscape because it was covered in mushrooms. Hofred pointed at it and said, this is the Dinge. "Mushroom people and Spiders. The entrance is on top. Poison Danger. Some mushrooms you only touch, give terrible visions. You are the healer."

On the top of the hill was a pile of cages that looked like lobster cages attached to long ropes. We looked at Hofred, who shrugged. "Some Mushroom People are tasty. Put shiny things in the cage, and drop the cage into a dirge. Come back after a few days. Catch many." A hole in the ground also dropped down deep into the hill, more like the opening of a well and not a cave or crevasse.

Sighing, I had been saving up my XP from the battle for this, and I quickly bought [Basic: Cure Poison],[Basic: Protection from Spores],[Basic: Cure Venom],[Basic: Cure Fungus], and what the heck [Basic: Detect Poison],[Basic: Detect Toxins],[Sense: Basic Tastes Good]

I had bought the crystal for [Basic: Protection from Elements], but the system had grayed it out on my [status], and a pop-up appeared saying, "Requirements not met," and I couldn't use the group buff. The forum's example was that you couldn't get [Intermediate: Dagger] without [Basic Dagger] first. Looked like I was going to have to pick up some more

Em got [Basic: Mycologist],[Basic: Herbology],[Intermediate: Taunt][Intermediate: Shield Parry],[Intermediate: Sword], and [Intermediate Dodge], while Sid got [Intermediate: Stealth],[Intermediate: Fade to into Background],[Intermediate: Ignore Me],[Intermediate: Daggers], and [Intermediate: Detect Traps]

Thus prepared, we said goodbye to Hofred and climbed down into the dungeon. High school gym class was beneficial since I hadn't done any rope climbing since then. It was about 30 feet to the dungeon floor, which was beginning to seem more and more like a well-shaft the further they went down. We had all bought ropes at the general store in town and shimmied down our line.

At the bottom of the rope, the floor was covered in mushrooms that looked like morels. But morels with wee-little arms and legs. Some of the mushroom men were holding tiny swords made out of bits of shiny materials. Sid had, of course, landed on what must have been the most significant concentration of mushroom people, the mushroom community center. The light was diffused from reflecting off the moist bricks of the well. I thought idly that it must get really bright at noon when the sun is directly overhead.

Where there wasn't lovely fertile dirt, full of decomposing organic matter, for the mushrooms to grow in, there were tiny trees — not bushes, but full trees, like oak and elm trees that were less than a foot tall. The only light in the room came from the top of the moist, mossy, cobblestoned well.

There were two exits from the room. Both entrances were human and not mushroom sized, which was super convenient. It occurred to me that this dungeon was trying to lure people in by providing a tasty snack in the first room. Presumably, there would be horrors deeper in the pit.

The mushrooms began to rush at Sid. Curious, I cast [Sense: Basic Tastes Good] on them. Apparently, these little people had a delicious complex but nutty flavor. I followed that elevation up with casting a [Basic: Detect Poison] and discovered that, at least, the ones that looked like Morels were not poisonous.

Em had started running around gathering silently screaming mushroom people, ripping off their arms and legs and stuffing them into her backpack. "I'm gonna make the best-damned goulash ever." She was saying to the now missing Sid.

Meanwhile, some of the mushrooms had decided to fight back. They were shooting tiny arrows at Sid, who was still sitting in their auditorium, city center, or town hall. I was offered the option of purchasing the skill [Speak: Basic Morelipeep], which I turned down because I knew that if I could speak and empathize with these people, my inevitable enjoyment of the "Best-damned Goulash" would be so much less.

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"Okay, Gargamel," I told Emily, "Gather up your Azreal or Sid or whatever you call your husband, and let's leave these little people alone and find our way out of here."

"But Randy, these are Morelipeeps. According to my [mycology] skill, they are supposed to be incredibly delicious and rare. I was just thinking about dinner."

"Em. Stop. Just stop. The Morelipeeps are Sapient. I was just offered the chance to learn their language. They will probably tell this story to their children, and their children will tell them about this day. We will probably enter their folklore like humanoid Godzillas."

"This…" I pointed to the small mushroom community, "Is their Tokyo we are stomping around on."

"Spoilsport." That was all she said.

"And is it necessary to rip their arms and legs off?"

"I'm ripping their appendages off so they can't get away before I cook them."

"It just seems unnecessarily cruel," I replied.

"Randy, you can't be cruel to a mushroom."

"Say that again after you've been chopped up, sautéed in butter with onion and garlic, and sprinkled with paprika before being simmered in a roux," I said.

"Randy. I didn't know you had that kind of kinky side. Better not let Sid hear you, or he'll get jealous." Em said.

"Can we just get moving again? We have a portal to find."

Sid used a chalky rock he found on the ground to write "This one #1" next to the path we chose took. We agreed to only choose the route closest to the north as we navigated through the dungeon.

"Did anyone notice that there was no glowing portal thing at the start of this dungeon, like the one in my bedroom?"

"Feels like a dungeon, though. There was no glowing portal at your dungeon exit, either. Maybe dungeons don't have Stargate ports in this world; maybe it is only for connections into our world. Can't really make any general rules without more data." Sid said.

"I suppose it doesn't matter." And I shrugged

We walked forward for a little bit before turning a corner. I had long since cast light because the environment is so dark and damp it was fit only for fungi. A small trickle of water flowed through the center of the pathway.

"Are you really going to seize the core and take the dungeon?" Sid popped out of nowhere to ask.

"Naw. The villagers were nice enough, good people, but I don't feel responsible for them. We just met them. And while Quimby is nice, despite having a stupid name, it isn't my problem. I'm not the self-sacrificing kind of guy. Besides, we can help them if we keep clearing my dungeon and killing off enough monsters."

"So we're gonna clear your dungeon. We need at least one other person to do that, I think. And we will have to give them our spare XP to get them up to speed. Sid and I will probably have to level up a bit too. Instead of just picking up and increasing skills."

We turned a corner and ran into a hunting party of death cap mushrooms carrying the freshly slaughtered corpse of a portobello. The death caps were covered in garish-colored paint, and They immediately started throwing tiny spears at Em. I noticed immediately that, according to the party health monitor, she had a poisoned debuff. Directly casting [Basic: cure poison on her] did almost nothing. I only kept her health from plummeting by casting [Basic: Cure wounds] repeatedly. Sid was coming in and out of visibility, stomping shrooms.

Not bothering to stab the mushroom men, he stomped on the little shits. Death Cap mushroom innards covered the bottom of his feet, and several mushrooms had become smears of pasty white on the floor.

Eventually, all the mushrooms were killed, and Em's health kept decreasing remarkably. She had kept casting her [Taunt] spell, so she'd been peppered with toothpick-sized spears.

Sid ran over and started pulling spears out of his wife. They had tiny barbs meant to break the skin when pulled out. There must be some incredibly vicious mushroom monsters down here. Then he remembered there were supposed to be spiders too.

"Heal her, Randy. Please Randy, save her."

"I'm trying," I said as I put another heal on her and cast another cure poison. "I don't think my cure poison is strong enough. I think I need to get to the intermediate level. Hopefully, I don't need advanced. Do me a favor and see if there is a cure for death-cap mushroom poison or advanced poisons. I don't have any extra XP."

"Neither do I. I'm tapped."

By this time, Sid had stomped on the entire hunting party of Death Caps. I cast [stabilize] on her, and she seemed to do a little better. Then kept alternating between [Basic Increase: Healing rate],[Basic: Increase Mana Recovery], and [Basic: Cure Poison]. After doing this for a few minutes, the debuff flickered and eventually disappeared.

Em's health had almost bottomed out. But with constant healing, it began creeping back up. She woke up and said, "What happened," the mushrooms had a killer poison that I couldn't heal. All I could do was keep you from losing too many hit points while the poison passed through your system naturally. Call it Karma for your inevitable Morelipeep feast."