We'd returned to the living room, and I explained what I'd been doing over the past week to Sid.

"And that's why you can't tell anyone. Not even your wife."

"Not even Emily? That's pretty harsh, Randy."

"Look, Sid, I didn't even want to tell you. I wouldn't have, except I was freaking out, and it was a moment of weakness. If word of this got out, they would take this place away from me. It is my fucking Dungeon, not some corporation, not the government, not the banks, and definitely not my condo board. It is mine. I've paid the loan I took to buy it. I pay my condo fees. I don't have any outstanding debt. It is mine, all mine."

"I don't think it works like that when corporations and the government are involved. But understood. I am going to have to tell Emily, though. She is every bit as into this apocalypse as we are. I probably told you this before, but I met Em in WoW. She was dancing for tips on top of the Ogrimmar mailbox. I saw her and said, "That's the girl for me." Besides, she'll know something is up if I keep sneaking out. Why don't I call her and have her come over? It is better to just get it over with," Sid said.

"Okay, but you make sure she doesn't blab."

Sid pulled out his cell phone, "I'll try, but have you ever managed to stop a woman from doing something she wants to do?"

"Hey, Em? Yeah, it's me. Mind coming over to Sid's place? It's important. Yes, it is worth leaving your book-club night early. No, I'm not just begging for a drive because I'm too pickled to order an Uber. Love you." And Sid hung up.

"She's coming over. She seemed a bit angry. At you for leading me astray. She knows just how easily I can be led into temptation. She'll be here in about half an hour. Why don't you give me a tour of what you've explored."

So I led Sid into my Dungeon's first room and then killed and looted the three goblins. I pushed the bed aside and showed him the secret compartment where I'd found the skill crystal. I only received five xp for my goblin kills in this room, but Sid, who was grouped with me, received 27 xp, which made him happy. Next, we moved into the next room, the bathroom, where I killed the two slimes with electricity. I pointed out that I had not been able to find any hidden goodies in this room, but he was welcome to look for himself. We went into the second bedroom, and I made short work of the three mine-sweeping goblins. Then I walked over to the stairs and showed Sid the trap midway down, and we both stepped over it while I zapped the slime at the bottom of the steps with magic from afar.

We left the Dungeon and returned to the living room so Sid could spend his experience and wait for Emily. It took 25 minutes to clear those four rooms. Em was due any minute now, depending on how quickly she could get out of her book club meeting and how bad traffic was coming here.

We sat in my living room while Sid browsed the [Market] for a helpful skill [crystal]. He ignored my advice to get [summon Bagel], claiming he didn't want to be a pure utility caster. He gave me a look when I pointed out that there were worse things to be, like being a [zombie fluffer]. And I pointed out that I thought I'd been offered that option when I'd gotten a 16 [Will Power] and the [Sense Life] requirements.

ally

Emily would have been a good stand-in for a traditional Norse Valkyrie. She would be easy to imagine swooping down to pick up the spirits of the valorous dead and carry them off to feast with their ancestors and gods in the halls of Valhalla. Sid's wife Emily was a thicc blue-haired woman who usually played a tank in the MMORPGs she was addicted to. She would look just right if she braided her long blue hair into pigtails and wore a horned iron cap. I wouldn't be surprised if she started to sing about killing the rabbit.

In addition to being married to Sid and online gaming, Em, owned a farm that her parents had left her. She spent her weekends there mastering her other hobby -- blacksmithing at the forge she'd set up in the barn. Em had been on forged in Fire twice. Once as a regular contestant and once being asked back for a winner's tournament. She would probably be pissed about all the Cold Steel swords I bought on Amazon that I had lying around the house. My only reason for getting them was that they were quick and cheap. And Amazon did not ask why I suddenly needed a castle's armory.

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Sid had Em sitting on the couch and quietly explaining things to her. I just entered my bedroom armory and got her a broadsword and a ballistic vest, then walked back into the living room and handed them to her. She sniffed in scorn when she looked at the sword and said, "Barely adequate. Got a shield?" so I went back and grabbed a plexiglass riot/swat ballistic shield for her to borrow.

"Once more into the breach," I said. "You coming, Sid?"

"No, I am still reviewing the list of possible [Crystals] I can buy. Having difficulty choosing between [Mute: Footsteps] and [Fade: Into Background]. Though some [rogues] in the forums swear by [Chameleon Skin] or the Mental Spell [Ignore me]. I think I am going to sit here and read a little more. Plus, I don't want to bogart xp that Em should properly be getting.

I went through the same process with Emily as I had done with Sid, except that after the first room, Emily demanded that I tell her what was in each room before we went in. And she killed all the mine sweep goblins on her own. Emily was far better with a sword than I was. She also wanted to continue exploring past the bottom of the stairs, but I put the kibosh on that until Sid was with us. Explaining some of my near-death experiences.

As we left the Dungeon. Emily said.

"We are going to have to come up with fair looting rules. This is your Dungeon, so you should get most of the loot. I will also keep a firm hand on my blabbermouth husband and ensure he doesn't tell everyone about this. I understand why you need to keep this secret. People will want to steal this from you."

"I would appreciate that. I thought of getting a geas spell or investigating contract magic and cursing the two of you so you couldn't blab."

"I hear that [Contract magic crystals] are hard to get and sell for over a million dollars in the real world. Don't waste that kind of opportunity on us."

Now if you excuse me, I have enough XP for [Basic: Taunt] or [Basic: Regenerate] or [Basic: Toughness], so I can begin my Tank build. Sid is a sweetheart, but the skill he bought me to get the system, doesn't fit how I want to make my build. [Turn: Blue] is incredible. I don't have to spend money on hair dye. And people are always complimenting me on my vibrant blue eyes and fingernails. But I'm always scared to use it too much in case just in case something goes wrong and I turn into a smurf.

"I told you about the monster who stole my car, right?"

"You mentioned something. When I first got here."

"I was wondering if you had any ideas on how to block off the entrance to the dungeon from the inside and lock the outside."

"Hmm," Emily said. "I guess you could buy an enormous metal stationary supply or filing closet; I could bring over my portable acetylene torch to cut off the back, then we could bolt the cabinet to the wall. Anyone coming here wouldn't see the Dungeon, just a big metal box with doors and a lock. Or you could buy an additional sizeable upright document safe, and we could do the same thing. The document safe would have the advantage of being more sturdy and having an electronic lock. We might even find a safe with an interior lock.

We might have to run some metal I bars behind the drywall to better secure whatever structure we decide. I wouldn't know about that. You are the architectural engineer; you figure that out. Lastly, we could build a mold and pour a concrete structure around the Dungeon. That way, we could have complete control over the shape and functionality of the door, locks, and everything.

"I like your way of thinking," I said; if that crazy woman Marigold gets in a Karen kind of mood and sicks the condo board on me, if they came in here and instead of seeing a dungeon, they saw a document safe or a supply cabinet up against the wall. There would be less of a chance of discovery.

I went to the home depot website online and ordered cinder blocks, cement, sand, and rebar for home delivery. Then I rented a pallet jack, a floor stripper, and a cement mixer to mix mortar. Everything I needed to build what amounted to a safe room in my guest room.

In my head, I pictured enough space for cabinets filled with healing potions, spare weapons, buff scrolls, anti-curse spells, mountain house freeze-dried rations, a CCTV system, chairs, a table, and a desk with a computer. A place to wash so you wouldn't track blood and monster guts all over the house.

It was shitty that I couldn't hire a contractor to do this construction.