What is an adventurer, Anyway?

In distant plain miles from their home dungeon, complaining can be heard in the night air.

“Hmmm…. Camping is nice, but you know what would make it better? Bloody beds!” Hooknose grumbled.

“But look at those shiny bobbles in the sky,” Swaggle murmurs, dreamily looking at the stars.

“Yeah, well, at least you don’t need to watch all night just because you don’t need to sleep or eat,” Exclaims Delphi.

“Well, if you guys complain about my food one more time, I guarantee you will all starve and end up looking like Delphi!” Bobbi Warns with her ever-promising death glare.

“Well, on that note, you three sleep, and I will wake you when the morning comes,” Delphi Clacks.

“How do you tell morning and night apart?” asks Swaggle.

“Oh, that’s easy. It’s when the unseen giant lights the giant sky torch. I saw the torch before when I got depressed and walked up the stairs one time and peered outside, and when I looked up, there was what looked like a massive fire, and it moved throughout the day, which means a giant must carry a torch and one that big. One so big I couldn’t see him.” Delphi explains.

“Well, that makes sense to me! Good sleep, everyone!” Swaggle yells as he goes to bed.

The sound of loud snoring and gnarled teeth grinding fill the plains when suddenly Delphi’s voice lets out a clacking rapport. “Wake up, everyone. The Skytorch has been lit!” Screaming erupts from the small camp, and cursing can be heard for miles.

“Why is it so Bright? Who in the name of Kelvin would do this? It hurts us with unending melting,” Hisses Swaggle sounding like a talking snake.

“If I could but learn the secrets of this pain, but no, my mind is not ready yet.” Says Bobbi.

“Huh? Eh.” Hooknose grunts, too apathetic to comment on the pain.

“It can’t be all that bad. Here let me look.” Delphi then proceeds to stare up at the sun for several minutes.

“Uhh, are you okay there, Delphi?” Swaggle asks with trepidation.

“Huh, you know, I feel like this should hurt, or maybe I should be tearing up. Perhaps even squinting weird...” Pausing for a moment, they continued, “You stopped screaming. Good for you three! Delphi stated mirthfully.

“Yeah, we just needed to adjust to the giant skytorch, turns out it’s not that big of a deal. We’re just not big skytorch lovers.” Proclaimed Bobbi with no shame in her voice. “I’ll make breakfast now,”

“Ummm, if you don’t mind, I will cook from now on. Hooknose asks with some trepidation as he takes the cookware and begins to prepare breakfast.

“Ummm.. can I address the metaphorical bunny in the room?” Asks Swaggle. Gaining everyone’s attention, he continues. “What is an adventurer anyway? We haven’t seen any, and this ‘outside the dungeon’ is way bigger than we thought. We know from experience that bunnies, squirrels, mice...”

“Oh, I Hate those! They try to get into my body and crawl around everywhere! Delphi interrupts.

“...Um yeah, continuing, we know birds, the filthy things arent adventures, so the big question is, what is an adventurer?

“Hmmm… we know we need weapons and armor.” Says Delphi.

“Don’t forget my magic,” Bobbi interjects.

“Right, right, so adding all those together, it must be creatures with weapons and magic,” Hooknose groggily concluded while slowly roasting a rabbit.

“So we look for creatures with weapons and kill them, that’s it?” Swaggle wonders.

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Delphi responds chipperly, “Seems like it, so hurry up and eat so we can find these creatures and end their miserable existence in the name of Kelvin.”

As the party traversed the plains, Swaggle began to comment. “It’s so empty out here. I mean, really, there’s nothing.”

“Yeah, your right about that no roof to protect you, filthy animals everywhere, and all this noise from those blasted birds.” Replies Delphi.

“My nose is getting itchy from the smell of this grass and these, yech, flowers! How anyone stands to be out here for any amount of time is beyond me!” Hooknose grumbles.

“That’s probably why they want to come into our dungeon. It’s so much nicer than this thlump hole,” Bobbi says with vigor and disdain in her voice.

“A large group of trees are up ahead,” Hooknose says with great interest.

“Trees, you mean those things the creator makes our furniture out of?” Delphi Inquires.

“Oh, those burn quite well, quite well indeed,” Swaggle says with great mischief. Bobbi Giggles with delight at Swaggle’s comment.

The group enters the tree line as dusk settles over an expanding poplar forest. As a mist rises from the ground, a low fog accompanies the quartet, muffling the forest’s noises.

“Quiet, do you hear that?” Hooknose asks.

“Hear what?” Delphi Replies.

“Those voices in the distance. Do you doubt my ears?”

“No one would doubt those things. They are the size of dinner plates.” Bobbi says rudely.

Swaggle smells the air, with drool leaking down his jaws. “I smell food. I want it.”

Delphi quickly rattles a command, “Alright, as the boss, it’s time for me to take charge. Everyone, stealth mode, let’s take a peak.” The group spots something they have never seen before. As they pass along to the destination, the smell of food and the ever-growing voices.

In a hushed whisper, Bobbi begins excitedly saying, “Look, it’s Delphi but with meat.” Side glancing in Delphi’s direction as she speaks. “And they have weapons.”

“Yeah, but Ummm… there are a lot more of them than us,” Swaggle says with worry.

“Eight to be exact, two for each of us.” Hooknose points out.

“Hang on, hang on, quiet down those things are talking. Let’s listen.” Delphi commands.

A scar-laden human with a spear on his back boasts, “Did you see the look on that poor sod’s face when I ran him through priceless, I tell you.”

“Did you even bother checking to see if he could be ransomed?” A weather-worn dwarf commented

“What’s the point of that? We would have to feed ’em and eva’ thing.” the Spearman retorts

“Don’t blame me when we get back if the boss runs you through because you get stab happy.” the dwarf finishes.

An elf sitting next to a great sword calls out to the two, “Yeah, yeah, we are all friends here, aren’t we? Let’s just drink and get some shut-eye.”

“These guys seem kinda dangerous, not that I’m a coward or anything,” Swaggle protested.

“Yeah, we might need to come up with a good plan to kill these adventurers,” Delphi adds.

“Are we sure they are adventurers? They didn’t sound like ones, not that I know what one sounds like, but they sure talked about killing a lot with joy.” Hooknose comments.

“Does it really matter? They are what we found with the weapons, so they die.” Bobbi interjects.

Silence fills the group for a moment. “You’re right, Bobbi, that’s our mission, and as the boss, I’m deciding we wait till they’re asleep and kill them.

“Oh, so mister, I need battle, is going the cowards’ route.” Bobbi pokes.

“NO! I just don’t want to fail on our first try, plus I don’t know if we will find them again if we all die and respawn. This outside is just way too big.”

“Delphi does have a point.” Hooknose grunts. Swaggle nods along in agreement.

“Yes, I know it was the smart idea. I’m just pointing out how weird it was that Delphi is the one who came up with it.” concedes Bobbi.

The group waits in silence until only two “adventurers.” are awake and begin their assault on the camp. “Alright, there’s just two kinda awake just outside their camp. How do we do this, oh fearless leader?” Hooknose probes.

Before Delphi can answer, Bobbi says. “That’s easy stab ’em in the tender bits, you know, the ones you try to hide.” At the mention of this, Swaggle and Hooknose flinch.

“Ummm… yeah, you just gotta stab them. While I punch ’em to death, it can’t be that hard. I mean, look how squishy they look.” Delphi points out.

“Let’s sneak up on them, kill those two, and then the rest. I like it. ‘operation stabby don’t die.’” Swaggle says. Then they begin their assault.

Bobbi steps forward from the shadows and draws her ritual knife, and she begins to stab one of the drunken sentries in the groin while Delphi quickly moves in and delivers a stiff jab to the man’s thorax silencing him for good.

Meanwhile, Swaggle leaps on the other sentry knocking him to the ground and driving the wind out of his lunges. Then Hooknose swings his sword down and beheads the “adventurer” the group then checks to see if they have woken any others. Seeing that they haven’t, they quickly move about and finish off their sleeping prey.

“We... we did it! We finally killed those fracking adventurers after all these long years!” Delphi Proclaims with a skeletal grin that could light the night sky while the others just danced and cheered in the blood of their foes till the Skytorch rose.