I still wanted to be in bed, wallowing in self pity, wishing that things could have been different, that I could have been different. But no. Priscilla and Lilly had forced my hand, and now I was out here in the middle of the ocean, far, far away from home, standing in the captain's cabin and looking at the stormy grey ocean. A mere twelve hours after Priscilla had attempted to take my life, and here I found myself. I was able to walk and use my body properly now, but I still felt a bit numb from the magic she had used on me.
“Your majesty, news from the front. The Monstra in Grisia moved all at once. It went to Zeer and… Obliterated the nation. President Hiljosky is unaccounted for. Your name has been written across all of its landscape, all across the sky as well.”
I didn’t even look in the direction of the sailor who was giving me this information, not turning away from the sea.
“... Lilly has been taking this much too far…”
“It seems to have returned to Grisia for now. Do you think it knows we’re coming?”
“She does. Stay the course. We make no alterations to our plans.”
“T-This might be too dangerous, your majesty…”
“I’ll be sure to protect your lives. Don’t worry about anything else. This is more important than any of us. The world is at stake. Understand?”
“... Yes…”
He finally left me in peace. I sighed, and let myself shiver. It wasn’t exactly as cold in the cabin as it was to be standing in the biting winds that whipped at those on deck, but it was still freezing. I found that I was bitterly criticising myself for my every decision, second guessing everything. Should I have broken the slave contract? Lilly might have been happier as my slave. Should I have hired her at all? She was a killer and a Monstra. I gave her too much benefit of the doubt, when she was clearly mentally unstable before I had even met her. After all, who wouldn’t be unstable after what she had been through most of her life? Even more stable minds would struggle with harbouring a Monstra. It was remarkable how well she kept things together, all things considered… So much so that I had often found myself forgetting that she wasn’t completely human.
Should I have broken up with her? I still loved her, but it was precisely because I loved her that I hadn’t wanted to keep pretending that I could be who she needs. But she didn’t understand that. Right now she loves me, not some hypothetical person she may not have even met yet. Should I have just kept on lying? To her and to myself? Everyone around us seemed to support our relationship. Maybe it could have been fine?
But, seeing how badly she had reacted to the break up, I know it wouldn’t have worked that way. I can’t solve her deep seated issues, much as I’d like to, much as she thinks I can. And I’m… Too emotionally closed off for her. Even if I kept it going, our anxieties would have eventually reached their breaking point, and one of us would have cracked sooner or later.
“Your highness! It has come into view!”
Indeed, through the grey fog, I could see it. That giant, towering mass in the distance, reaching up into the sky. I had seen it before on visits to Grisia, as I had wanted to observe it myself from a safe distance. But back then it had clearly been dormant. Now, it was writhing about constantly. Even from kilometres away, that fact was obvious.
“Keep going. We’re nearly-”
But I was interrupted as the beast in the distance began to crawl into the ocean, the waves it produced as it entered into the water, even from so far away, nearly capsizing the boat. In fact, it would have been flipped, if a dark tendril hadn’t caught the boat and kept it steady. A part of it raised out of the water, a form the size of the imperial palace, right next to the boat, blotting out the sky. Yet this was merely a small piece of Lilly’s complete body. It encircled the boat, and soon, we were separated from the rest of the world by a cocoon of darkness, eyes appearing everywhere to watch us. Strangely, this act seemed to calm the waters around us and protect us from the winds. I quickly began to warm up. When I stepped outside of the cabin, I noticed the most disturbing thing of all.
The air smelt like Lilly. That I was put at ease smelling the familiar scent of my lover was perhaps the most disquieting thing of all about this situation. More disturbing than the fact that she had spotted us and crossed the vast gap between us and Grisia in an instant.
“Ayano! I have a gift for you! Oh and if any of you fuckers shoot me, you’re dead, got it? Bullets are itchy!”
I headed onto the deck of the ship to see Lilly standing on it, perfectly human, clothed only in purple slime made to resemble a maid costume, my sailor’s guns trained on her. In her arms was president Hiljoskjy, covered in slime, clothes ruined, looking more than a little worse for wear as he struggled against her grip. The immense strength in that slender little body of hers was such that she didn’t even seem to register his attempts to escape her.
“... Put the President down, Lilly.”
“Uh. No. This was meant to be a surprise for you… A-Are you worried that I destroyed the nation? Don’t worry! I inevitably left a lot of sludge there, but I only killed their mages and scholars. Oh, and the military, but… The citizens are alive and well! I’m about to kill this guy for you too. He was an asshole. And with the Blackhouse devastated, their ritual materials for the annihilation sphere destroyed, and this guy dead, Selicia will be the uncontested ruler of the world! Um I mean, the strongest nation!”
“... I don’t care about that, Lilly. I care about the fact that you clearly haven’t taken this well.”
“... So you’re saying that you won’t date me again if I kill this guy?”
“That’s right.”
“So if I keep him alive then you’ll date me again?”
“... No.”
“Then it doesn’t matter. If it’s up to me, I guess I can do whatever I want.”
The panic on Hiljosky’s face reached its apex as he cried out to me.
“Princess Ayano! P-Please, save me from this crazy bitch, I beg of you Zeer will do whatever Selicia wants-”
“Bye bye!”
“LILLY STOP!”
But I was too late. I watched as she began to tear him apart, limb from limbs, blood splattering all across the deck, into the water, into the faces of all my sailors. It would have landed on me too if tendrils hadn’t blocked the blood splatter from getting anywhere near me. It was the most brutal death I had ever seen, the way Lilly simply tore him apart as though she were curiously and effortlessly tearing apart a stuffed toy.
“And let’s drain the blood, clean up, get rid of the smell… Disintegrate his body… Except for this part, Ayano! Here. You can keep his skull as a souvenir.”
The darkness surrounding the boat did indeed dispose of the blood and the body in an instant, as if it had never happened. And before I knew it, a tentacle had indeed placed his clean skull into the palm of my hands. I dropped it immediately. A tentacle caught it.
“Hmph! Well, I thought it was a pretty nice gift… A bit macabre though, I admit. I.. Didn’t honestly think you would like that. I want you to know that I don’t feel good about it. I feel less guilty about it than killing Gloria and her maid though… And they were even worse to me than this guy was! But it’s okay. I only did this for Selicia. For you. To demonstrate that if you just let me come back under your wing, if you just enslaved me again and told me what to do and fucked me in the ass every day, then I could use this sort of power to help you achieve feats that *wouldn’t* involve brutally killing your political enemies like that. Like, forget Queen, how about ‘Ayano, God Empress of Terrestia!’ With me at your side, you could improve the lives of the standard of living for the entire world, not just Selicia!”
“... Lilly, I… What’s happened to you… You’re not the girl I loved…”
“Because you threw her away, dummy! But don’t worry. She wasn’t going to last anyway, I mean, how could she? I was stupid to think that I could pretend to be human. That I could play by your retarded rules and play handmaiden and take all of your concerns and responsibilities seriously when I should have been absolving you of those things and helping you to rule the world. I was born a Monstra, I will live as a Monstra, and die a Monstra. How could I have ever believed that I was a human? How could I have ever believed that I was in any way shape or form a good person? You want to know something HILARIOUS Ayano? It was me all along! I was the one who fucked Grisia into submission 100 years ago! I was the monster who did that, ME. It wasn’t someone else, I… When I became Lilly, I had discarded those memories on purpose, but I got them back not long ago and I discovered that it was ME! IT WAS ME, ALL ALONG! AND I’M STILL THE SAME FUCKING PERSON! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT!?”
“Lilly-”
“Shut. My love, please shut up right now and don’t say whatever mumbly useless apology or disavowment you’re about to dribble out RIGHT THIS SECOND and listen carefully. I knew killing that Hiljosk-douche wasn’t going to work out so I prepared my ultimate weapon- A song! Listen to it and be amazed by the depths of my artistic talent and my devotion to you!”
And before I knew it, from the walls of dark sludge surrounding us, instruments made of bone and flesh and organs emerged. Pianos, guitars, violins, triangles… So many things emerged, tendrils or disembodied human fingers appearing to prepare to play them. A microphone appeared next to Lilly, too. The lighting began to dim. It turned pink, purple, green, yellow, red, blue… Shifting slowly. It was like I was in some kind of disco. My stomach was churning and I was getting a headache as she began to sing.
~~~
Unauthorized tale usage: if you spot this story on Amazon, report the violation.
It’s a whole world just for me
It’s the beauty in me,
The darkness behind my eyelids,
Just as gorgeous as the sun peaking in over the idyllic hills.
It’s the sorrow in me,
The lost dreams in the depths of my soul,
Just as buried as all the hopes which sank to the ocean floor.
It’s the violence in me,
The anger I feel when I am wronged,
Just as awful as a wasteland torn by hate and greed.
It’s the love in me,
The intensity that’s so wonderful and terrible,
Explosive as a supernova lighting up the depths of space.
I can’t stand it anymore,
My impatience rises and rises,
It’s a whole world that’s just me,
Reflections of reflections of my reflections,
I can’t find me in the sea of me,
I want to seize all of myself.
I’m a whole world just for you,
It’s the beauty in you,
The shape of your perfect form,
Is a landscape I’ve never seen before.
It’s the sorrow in you,
Those countless numbing days of endless expectations,
Are a rain on me I can’t help but want to comfort,
It’s the violence in you,
The strength you muster to stand against anyone,
Quakes my wasteland into one of love and selflessness,
It’s the love in you,
Those feelings that flicker in and out,
Makes me want to be the fuel that keeps your star burning.
I can stand it forevermore,
My feelings grow and grow,
It’s a whole world that’s just you and me,
You’re a reflection on the other side of a real mirror,
I found you in the sea of me,
So I’ll give you all of me.
You were the starlight that lit up my empty sky,
The laughter we shared,
The discussion we shared,
The passion we shared,
The last puzzle piece to slide inside me.
We could talk forever and still wish we had more time,
I felt complete and now I can’t let go.
I’m a void of me without you,
I grow and grow with nowhere to go,
Time slips through my fingers,
Not enough grains of memories to hold onto,
I’m a pathetic creature,
For whom enough is never enough,
I want to keep loving and loving you,
Until the universe splits us apart.
I’m a monster of me without you,
This youless me,
Is not as strong as you think she is,
My own self is a heaven,
Without an exit,
A prison of infinite freedom,
A cage of pointless indulgence,
All the novelty rapidly runs dry.
I’m the worst of me without you,
I’m jailed to my own success,
I miss being a failure together,
And I’d give up that perfect forever,
For one last gaze into your eyes.
The scars upon my world,
Never heal the way you think,
They hurt forever and I pretend they don’t.
My paradise was there with you,
You took it when you left my universe behind,
I want to find it down here,
Something the same,
Something better,
Something different,
Even slightly worse would do,
I truly do want to find it,
I search every day,
I want you to think I’m happy,
Don’t want the guilt to eat at you,
But everything is all the same!
I can’t make you do anything,
You’d lose yourself without your choice,
Don’t want the world without the person in it,
So I wish you’d make the choice you’ll never make,
And love me again,
Can’t make myself want for anything else.
I’ve learned to stand it more and more,
My acceptance deepens and deepens,
It’s a whole hell that’s just me,
Reflections of reflections of my reflections,
I’ll never find you in the sea of me,
I want to end all of myself.
I’m a void of me without you,
A monster of me without you,
The worst of me without you,
An inferno of me without you,
A liar of me without you,
I’m barely me without you,
You’re still the starlight in my sky,
I’ll scream your name into the furthest reaches of my darkness,
And survive by dreaming of that paradise,
Even though it’ll never be meant for me.
~~~
As she finished singing, there was a deathly silence in the air. The lighting returned to normal, the microphone and the instruments vanished. I could see Lilly’s face staring expectantly at me. Pleading. My heart was aching. I wanted to break down and cry. I’m so sorry, Lilly… I’m so sorry… But, eventually, I mustered the strength to look up at her. She had disparaged me earlier for apologising, but it was all I could do.
“I’m… So sorry I did this to you, Lilly. I’m so sorry… So sorry I hurt you… Ever, ever so sorry…”
“You didn’t do this to me. I was already like this. I am a free agent. I did all of this of my own free will. I love you because of my own free will. By my own will, I allowed your persistent rejections to shatter me to pieces. The word ‘hurt’ is a gross understatement, Ayano. After seeing me attack Priscilla, go totally loopy, destroy a nation, brutally kill its president… A song isn’t going to prevent you from rejecting me again, is it?”
“The song made it sound like you’re trying to move on, but you're clearly not. I know it’s not going to be easy to move on from me overnight, but… You need to stop this madness and start properly healing. You can still make amends. You’re right. A song isn’t going to convince me that us being together is a good idea. But you need to abide by its words. You already know what you need to do.”
“Pfft. It’s just a song. A song about how I miss you. Yet you’re right here, in front of me. Why would I obey its lyrics when you’re standing right there, alive and capable of making your own choices, and I want you? Why would I EVER obey my own word?”
For as ephemeral as the feelings of a heart may be, it seemed that she was always set of being with me. On making me hers. I so desperately wanted to be able to heal her misery, but it wasn’t my role to do so. I couldn’t help her merely by acquiescing to her wishes. The core of the issue needed to be addressed.
“Listen Lilly… Happiness… won’t be found from anywhere besides yourself. Neither me nor anybody else can complete you. Only you-”
“THAT’S WRONG! WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG! EVERYONE IS WRONG! EVERYONE IS BLIND!”
As she screeched out those words, many of the crewmen covered their ears to block out the shrill piercing sound of her voice, echoed by thousands of mouths that opened up across the mass of her body. I was shaken by her outburst too, muscles aching as I did everything I could to remain still and appear confident.
“Don’t you get it!? EVERYONE in this world does things for the sake of achieving desires that are external to themselves! Goals, aspirations, hobbies, ideals, work, family, love- Everyone pursues these things to distract themselves from their own inadequacies, to validate themselves via achievement and affirmation from others! I’m lonely, Ayano! I can’t fix that unless I have friends! Unless I have love! Unless I have YOU!”
She stood up, looking at me fiercely, the wind blowing away a waterfall of tears as she clutched her heart firmly with her hand.
“Art only exists to enjoy it with you! Food only exists to serve it to you! Enemies only exist so that I can fight them for you! Clothes only exist so that I can look pretty for you! Money only exists so that I can spend it on you! This world… This FUCKING world only exists so that I can meet you! And if this world is getting in the way of us being together, then I have no more use for it! I thought… That you might understand my pain from my song… Yet you hear it, and you don’t believe it. You just keep repeating the same things as everyone else, over and over. It’s funny… I claimed to be accepting things but… I can’t accept any of it… I can’t accept living like this! And I’m not the only one! Everyone is suffering because their desires are being denied! I can… I can change that, Ayano! I can grant everyone their desires! Yours, mine, everyone on this planet! I’ve finally confirmed that nothing I can do in this reality will bring you back to me… So the world itself needs to change! I knew it was going to have to come to this… I knew I would have to evolve from a monster into this world's saviour! And now I’m ready to accept that… I… I’ll… Become the light I was always destined to be!”
The boat began to shake. The incomprehensible dark mass began to writhe. There was a faint humming sound in the air, and it looked and felt as though everything was distorting. Colours bleeding into each other, the barriers between objects and people blurring. My nausea gave way to a sudden feeling of elation… But it wasn’t because I was actually feeling elation myself. It felt like a foreign feeling entering my body and mind, penetrating me to my core.
A hum to the same melody of Lilly’s song began to ring out as the Monstra mass suddenly seemed to begin glowing golden. It unfurled from the boat, letting me see the sea and the sky around us, letting me see how it reached up into the atmosphere, taller than the clouds. Gigantic eyes began to open along its surface, more beautiful than anything I had ever seen. Brilliant white wings. Beams of light wrapped around into rings.
“GO! CAST THE RITUAL! DO IT NOW!” I screamed, I had no idea what was happening, I couldn’t make heads nor tails of what was happening before me.
The ritual had been prepared in advance, it could be launched in an instant at my word. And Somebody must have heard my command over the din, for I saw the black sphere launch towards the golden mass.
A golden mass that had now taken the form of a country sized, gold skinned, naked Lilly, standing upright on the edge of Grisia. Everything went silent for a brief moment as the sphere exploded, leaving a hole in Lilly’s chest. But even as she was torn asunder, it barely felt like it did a dent in her massive form. Oh no. My estimation had been way off. She was much, much larger than a country now. She was the size of a continent, and she was growing. I felt her soft laughter ringing inside my ear, as though her regular sized form was standing right there next to me. I clutched my ears. Tried to block it out. The fear and confusion must have finally been showing in my face. Her enormous form slowly bent down, she took up my entire vision as she lowered herself to be face to face with me, her eyes looking like they could swallow me whole.
“You’ve left a literal hole in my heart now, Ayano… But, how funny is it that the metaphorical hole still feels more painful? But it’s okay. I forgive you. Everything is going to be okay.”
I felt a sudden golden strand of energy suddenly stroke my cheek. It felt just like her touch. Just as I remembered it.
“Ahh, I feel much better this way… I probably should have done this from the start, instead of venting my anger on a nation, when I already knew that it would probably end up this way anyway… But this feeling… Becoming gold, this is much better than I could have imagined, so I suppose I can’t blame myself. All it took was a shift in my thinking. As a Monstra, I only ever thought about consuming, so I corrupted the mana around me… But now, I only want to eliminate the suffering in the world… And because of that, I can now purify the mana in the air. Very soon, this entire world will be purified, and I will turn Terrestia into a serene, perfect dream… It will be a pure world of consciousness, everyone connected yet still individual, with no physical limitations getting in the way of anybody’s happiness…”
“That… Doesn’t make any sense… I don’t want to just… Dream…”
“I’m not going to force you to join me, Ayano. In fact, I’m giving everyone the choice… To come with me and be happy, or to stay in a world that is soon to die. There’s nothing… Nothing anybody can do to save it. Now… Ayano… I will offer you the same choice… There’s nothing… Absolutely nothing… Getting in your way now. All your dreams can be yours… We could dream together… Or you could dream about something else… The only difference it’ll make to me is… Whether or not my dreams of you are real, validated, and lucid, or false and vague. I know what choice I want you to make… But it’s only valuable if you make it for yourself. No matter the case… This… This is the only bearable choice I can make…”
“I… Don’t… Know… Lilly… I just…”
“Join me. And we’ll figure it out together,” She whispered, oh so sensually, oh so invitingly…
It seemed I had finally lost. I had always won the emotional battles, even the physical ones, but if she wasn’t willing to listen to me, there was nothing I could do against her Monstra form. If she had been pushed this far over the edge, then what more point was there in resisting? She had seen through me and all of my masks. She had seen my true feelings, battled them, and had decided to trample all over them. Thinking was now worthless. What more could I do against someone who only thought about herself?
But that wasn’t really it.
The thought of not having to try anymore… Yeah. That was the real reason her offer was so enticing. It was oblivion either way, so why not be happy? I didn’t exactly know where she was planning to take me all of a sudden, her explanation seemed so unreal and outlandish… But her newfound heavenly aura spoke to my instincts. It told me… That it wouldn’t be a place of suffering. No violence, disease, war, famine, hatred, sadness. No difficult choices to make.
It was a world I could never accept. A place devoid of what made me human.
“... I’ll join you… I’m yours…”
However, in that moment of weakness, I said yes regardless. If she knew what I really wanted, she still wouldn’t do this. But I had given verbal consent, even if I still didn’t really want it. But she would trust my word over anything else. Because right now she didn’t really care to read between the lines. She only wanted to push my buttons to get me to say the things she wanted to hear.
So, with a heavy heart, I could do nothing but let her mouth swallow me whole, as I was torn away from this reality and forced to leave it behind.