~~~ 9 Years Ago ~~~
As I woke up, the dream I had every night rapidly faded from memory. Sunlight was streaming in on my face, my handmaid, Julia, standing next to the curtains. I turned my head away from the light and hid beneath the covers, shutting my eyes to try and remember the dream, wanting to let it linger in my mind for just a few moments longer. Maybe if I focused hard enough, I would actually remember what it was I found so fascinating.
But dreams only come to someone who isn’t thinking.
“Master Lawrence, it is time for breakfast. It is your 18th birthday today. Many people are here to visit you. Some tardiness can be forgiven on most days, but you don’t want to be late today.”
Julia always spoke with this stiff, almost inhuman tone. As though she were some sort of a tool rather than a human. I pulled the duvet off my head, opened my eyes and looked at her. Silky brown hair. Green eyes. A blank, yet beautiful expression that I read as being either emotionless or otherwise inscrutable. An appealing maid dress, highlighting all her assets. She had often been the subject of my jerk off fantasies.
Today, I was of legal age to have sex. And I had not only Julia, but an entire manor filled with beautiful, subservient maids.
Perhaps this is what I had been dreaming about all my life. The moment where all my desires could be fulfilled. Yes. I would get through the boring social etiquette, and then, tonight, Julia would make me a man. That would fill what’s missing in my soul.
“I’ll get ready now, Julia. Go tell the others that I’ll be down soon.”
“As you wish, Master.”
Julia bowed, left the room, and closed my door ever so silently. The main reason I had dismissed her was because I didn’t want her to see my morning wood. I had no clue why I should care. Although she had never seen my dick, she had seen it tenting through my pyjamas plenty of times. It was hardly embarrassing at this point. But I suppose today was a bit different.
I stripped naked and headed into the bathroom. I should have been hurrying, but instead I stood there, looking into the full length mirror. I was thin, but muscular. I had hair all over my body, but the hair on my head was kept short. It was cut a lot when I was young, but even after I expressed a desire to let it grow, it never seemed to go past my ears. I inspected my scalp. Was my hairline receding already? I had no idea. I know that my father, the king, was completely bald by age 30. My stomach twisted at the thought of my beautif- Handsome brown hair ceasing to be.
Then there was this lump. This twitching thing, standing to attention, unable to calm down, even though I wanted to focus on other things. It always stole away my attention, begging for release at what felt like all hours of the day. I mostly wanted to stop being a virgin just so that it would shut up for once.
I was a prince. I had a good jawline. I had an athletic body, strong but not brutish. Apparently girls liked large dicks and mine seemed to be a decent size. It certainly *looked* large to me. Too large. I was surely the envy of all men in every department. Handsome, intelligent, educated, strong, gifted, wealthy, privileged, and surrounded by subservient sexy women. And yet…
Why did I think I was ugly? Why did I feel no joy whatsoever?
I sighed. There was no utility in dwelling on unresolvable things. I stepped into the shower, closing my eyes as the water and the soap washed over me. I caught a glimpse of a girl with long blonde hair. Was she who I had been dreaming about? Was she my dream woman? But Julia had brown hair. Again, no utility in dwelling on such questions. When I lose my virginity, I’m sure everything will make sense.
It has to.
~~~
The day went by in a blur. It was supposed to be exciting for me. I was cooked a marvellous feast by old John, I got to eat my fill whilst performing my role for the nobles. I met new employees gifted to me by various nobles. A gardener named Lizzy, an apprentice chef named Hugo who was to take over from John when he retired. I was given exotic sweets and expensive clothing, ornaments and paintings. Every noble was trying harder than the last to give me a gift that would ingratiate me to them.
I was mostly just upset that mother and father weren’t there. Figures.
I rang the handmaiden's bell as soon as darkness fell and I was back in my room. Exhausted from the day's proceedings. Julia soon arrived. She had a nervous, downcast expression on her face. It was the most emotion she had displayed in recent memory. She looked uncomfortable to be in my room at this hour, on this day.
It was cute.
“... Bathe yourself in there. Then come on out and…”
I trailed off, unsure how to finish that sentence. ‘Be naked’, ‘don’t bother getting dressed’, ‘you can wear a towel’. I didn’t exactly know how to communicate something like that.
But just from looking at my face, she seemed to understand.
“Understood, Master.”
She spent a while in there. I heard the water running, and then I heard her undress. My head was swimming with excitement and reservation in equal measure. I calmed my nerves by lying on my bed with a hot cup of tea and a book, though I could hardly read the words. I’d been reading this novel for a while. It was recommended to me by a noble son who was about a year younger than me. It was just about a strong guy who travelled the world in search of strong opponents. I liked the culture and some of the character interactions, but the action scenes dragged on for chapters at a time. Plus, nearly every female character got raped or suffered an attempted rape, and the protagonist had to save the girl each and every time. They all fell in love with him, even if he left each girl behind when he went somewhere new. The sex scenes were perfunctory, but I think they were meant to be titillating. Was the protagonist who I wanted to be as a man? The only thing I understood about him was that he would leave the girls behind. A lot of them were annoying. Talking of marriage and kids so soon after meeting him. I’d probably do the same thing.
Besides that however, for the most part, I didn’t connect to the story at all.
Before Julia emerged, I put away the book and made a mental note to add it to the firewood pile at the next available opportunity. I got up out of bed and headed to the window, since I was liable to close my eyes and fall asleep if I stayed on the bed like that.
“Master, I’m ready.”
I wasn’t sure whose voice it was at first. It sounded so timid, so… Adorable. But as I turned around, there stood Julia, in nothing but a towel. Blushing. My heart pounded. My manhood throbbed with anticipation. We looked into each other’s eyes. I knew what she was thinking. She couldn’t believe this day had come. She couldn’t believe she had to do this. She didn’t even really want to do this. My handmaiden had been picked arbitrarily by someone who wasn’t me, two years ago. I think she may have been picked precisely because she was known to be loyal and because she’s only a year older than me. She might have been chosen specifically for this purpose.
For the purpose of turning this country’s future king into a man.
When I looked at it that way, I was able to push my reluctance to the back of my mind. This was more important than what either of us wanted. I would be sure to treat her well. Make her want it. Besides, I wanted to know what it was I had been missing out on. What I had been dreaming about. What it was my biology had forced me to spend so much time thinking about, and what my penis begged for each and every day.
I stepped towards her, running my hand through her hair. I had touched it before. But not in this sort of context. I could tell that she was trembling. She was afraid. This was her first time, too. Even if it wasn’t, I think she would still have every reason to be afraid of this.
“When we’re alone, call me Lawrence.”
“Master Lawrence, I…”
“Just Lawrence.”
“... Lawrence…”
“Good. Now… Um…”
There needed to be a bit of tension, right? I couldn’t just go straight into it. Girls weren’t like men. They weren’t ready for action in a matter of moments. Sex was more than about two sets of genitals slapping into each other. It was emotional. Or something like that. I’d only ever been given biological education. I had never been taught how to actually talk to women when I’m in this situation.
“... What do you want from me?” I eventually asked.
I was trying to sound seductive. But I think I just sound bored.
“L-Lawrence, I, um… I really just wanna…” She glanced at the door.
She wanted to leave.
“I want your lips,” I blurted out.
“W-What?”
She blushed. Um. Do I keep going?
“I um… I think about kissing you all the time. I think about your beautiful eyes, your face, your um… Gorgeous hair, and your um… Your b-breasts and t-thighs and ass and…”
I was interrupted by her kissing me. The towel fell away. Her body was laid bare for me. It was my first time seeing a woman fully naked, in all her glory.
My mind went blank after that.
~~~
I dreamt of that blonde girl again. I remembered it vividly when I woke up the next morning. I sat up in bed only for my arm to brush up against something warm. Julia, in bed, sleeping next to me in a foetal position, face buried in a pillow as she clutched it with her arms and legs for dear life.
Guilt welled up within me. She had technically consented, she had initiated with that kiss, and I remember it feeling good… In fact, even now, I was still tingling slightly. But other than that, I still woke up feeling the same way as I always had. I got up out of bed, covering her with the duvet covers as I sat at my chair next to the curtains, sipping on a glass of water. But I didn’t open the curtains just yet. I didn’t want to wake her up with sunlight.
The entire manor probably knew that I had fucked Julia last night, not that they would have heard us. But people here know. They gossip. They pay attention. It was the day after my birthday, too, so I wouldn’t be given attention unless I asked for it. So I stayed in my room, beginning my usual morning routine once I had finished my water. The drink did nothing to abate this sinking, awful feeling within me. Nor did it go away during my morning shower, nor did it go away as I looked at my body in the mirror, which looked uglier to me than it had ever been. It was after I was out of the shower that I realised why she had kissed me.
It was because listening to me was too unbearable. She accepted her fate, and just decided to get it over with. Before I had started talking like that, she might have been able to get away, but after I started talking about her in a sexual light? Her job, or even her freedom could be at risk if ever it was made known that she had rejected the advances of the crown prince. The heir to the throne.
The knots in my stomach were twisting together more and more tightly. I went into my desk drawer and brought out a bundle of Grass. It looked like lots of tiny little green plants that looked a lot like regular blades of grass, bundled together tightly and tied together with some string. This was a potent, calming drug that one took by smoking it. It induced feelings of euphoria and relaxation, and I had had a few spiritual experiences with it before, on occasion. For the most part, it just got me out of my own head, and that’s what I liked most about it. It was a pretty rare drug. It was harvested from very deep ocean floors, only growing in total darkness, away from the sun. Even though we called it Grass it was technically a type of seaweed. Only nobles could afford something so sought after yet so difficult to acquire. And even then, many nobles had gone into debt just to feed their addiction to Grass. I was lucky. I wasn’t addicted, yet I could have it whenever I wanted. Which led me to having it at least 5 times a week, but hey, I could quit whenever I felt like it. For me, Alcohol was more of a social drug, and whilst I did drink, I wasn’t very fond of the hangovers. Other drugs, such as opiates, were too intense and extremely addictive. I didn’t touch those. All in all, Grass was the best. It calmed my thoughts, and even though it felt good I could still basically perform my normal human functions. It was simply the superior drug.
I clicked my fingers to create a flame, and used it to light the end of the Grass bundle. I raised it to my mouth, inhaled, and let that salty, honestly pretty repugnant, vaguely fishy ocean flavour fill my senses. I already felt the effects kicking in by the time I had exhaled my first drag, filling the room with smoke. Normally, the tips of the Grass produced the most effect, the feeling weakening the closer it got to the roots. Smoking it until around the halfway point was usually the best. But today, I was willing to burn it right down to the nub, even if I risked burning my hand. I was safe against fire that I produced via mana, but that was it.
It was after a few minutes of enjoying my smoke that I heard a knock at the door.
“Breakfast, Master Lawrence.”
I wasn’t sure who it was, I couldn’t tell when her voice was muffled by the door. One of my maids, I supposed. Either way I waited until I heard her heading back down the stairs before I opened the door to find a tray of eggs, toast, bacon, and a pot of Selician black tea waiting for me. There was enough for two.
So, it was then that I decided to open the curtains. Julia’s eyes slowly fluttered open. For a few moments, she looked like she had no idea where she was. I was sitting at my desk, looking out over the manor grounds as I finished my bundle of Grass. I was going to finish it before I began breakfast. Julia scrunched up her nose.
“... Smoking, at this time of morning, Master?”
I didn’t even bother to tell her to call me Lawrence.
~~~
Life continued on after that. For a few days, I continued to fuck Julia in the evenings, not really knowing what else to do with myself. Turns out, losing my virginity did not get my dick to calm down. In fact, it may have excited it even more. I found that Grass managed to keep my libido somewhat managed… Although it didn’t exactly stop me from having sex while high. So I quickly discovered that smoking right before we did the deed helped to keep me relaxed. My memories would also start to get a bit hazy after my second Grass bundle, and not remembering the deed helped to numb the guilt. One night, even though Julia was normally against drugs of any kind, she asked for a hit of Grass. I think she started to enjoy herself a bit more after that. I mostly forget what happened, but whenever I woke up sober in the morning, I’d often find her hugging me in her sleep.
But that only lasted about two weeks. Soon, I turned my attention to the other women in the manor, inviting them up to my room one by one on different evenings. In about a month, I had slept my way through about half of the manor’s women in a drug fueled haze. The novelty was nice. Many of them were sweet, kind, and many of them tried to make it exciting for me. And in the moment, it kind of was. It felt nice to know that these women who had been working for me and interacting with me for years were kind of like my harem now. But sex just led to more sex. Much like how hunger led to more eating. I gave up on the notion that having sex would make me feel like a man. It didn’t. I was still a boy. I also realised that, much as I wanted some kind of revelation that would explain my ennui, that I probably wasn’t ever going to experience it. Revelations didn’t really exist. And if they did, it was probably a trick of the mind. And realistically, if I was going to experience one, it wasn’t going to be through sex.
Yet, it wasn’t long before pleasure seeking was all I knew how to do.
Julia started hanging out with me in my room more often. On days where I wasn’t busy, we would casually fuck throughout the day, one time we even tried doing it sober, but after the fact we both silently agreed that that was a bad idea. We also talked a bit about life and stuff. She explained that her mother was sick, and that she had voluntarily sold herself to the Belfonse family to pay for her mother’s medicine. It was sad. But I didn’t really know how to console her or offer advice, so whenever we had a serious conversation like that I offered her a bundle as soon as I ran out of words, which she happily accepted. I never talked about myself. I was the Prince, after all. She knew everything interesting that there was to know about me.
I was high nearly 90% of the time. I was finally ready to admit that I had an addiction. I smoked at least one bundle a day. She had an addiction too, which I chose to enable. Much of my personal monthly budget went towards importing Grass to the manor. I sometimes wondered about how dangerous the job was. How underpaid it was, how easy it was for a worker to drown whilst harvesting the stuff. How many people got attacked by sea life, contracted hypothermia, or some type of strange deep sea disease. I thought about how they were suffering just for me, just to make me feel good, even though feeling good… Well.
It didn’t make me happy. I don’t think this sort of physiological pleasure made Julia happy, either.
One week, the Grass delivery was running late. I was out of the stuff. It was supposedly arriving the next day, but for now, I would have to spend the day sober. I wasn’t busy, so this would normally be a day where I would hang out with Julia in my room, but I don’t think either of us wanted to spend any more time together than we had to unless we had Grass to share. So, instead, I walked around the manor, not even bothering to change out of my pyjamas and silk dressing gown, which I also wore most days. I mingled with people, conversed, kept up with current affairs. I wasn’t exactly super involved with the runnings of the manor, nor with politics. Right now, the goal was to mostly keep me focused on my education. Since I was a gifted student, skilled as both a mage and as a scholar, which was very rare, I was mostly left to my own devices. So long as I submitted work to my tutors on time, I was free to do whatever I want. And as time passed, my deadlines were getting more and more generous. I’d hardly done any actual academic work at all since turning 18, so fixated I was on my lusts and vices, having given up on the fantasy of ever figuring myself out.
I was in the garden when I saw Lizzy watering the plants. She was about a decade older than me, mature in her demeanour, and we didn’t seem to be each other’s type, so I hadn’t propositioned her for sex. But I happened to notice a big black smudge across her face as she worked.
“You decided to wear makeup on a workday?” I asked.
She turned to look up at me.
“Oh, Prince! Hello! Unfortunately I um… I had booked the day off to go to an event in Belfort today. But right after I had dolled myself up, it was cancelled! I was already late for work, but I decided to come right down anyway so that the poor maids covering my shift could take a break! But… Yeah, because I rushed, I wasn’t able to remove my makeup first…”
I nodded my head. Made sense.
“Sorry to hear it got cancelled. What was it?”
“Oh, no worries at all! It was a plant exhibition! People dress up fancy and bring their best plants to the event, and you can enter into a competition! I was going to bring my Jishian orchid, but, unfortunately, the host of the event got sick, and also, there’s been maintenance on the roads lately, meaning a lot of people wouldn’t have been able to make it today anyway… That’s why deliveries have been late as well I think. Lots of traffic.”
“Yeah. Real shame.”
There was an awkward silence between us. This was probably where I should bid her good day and leave her to her devices. I could also go tell her to clean her face, but knowing her, she would probably rather tend to the plants than worry about her appearance. I could even offer to help her out with the plants. But suddenly, that blonde woman I had been dreaming about flashed into my mind. I found the words leaving my mouth before I even realised it.
“... Is it a hassle, putting on makeup? Removing it and stuff?”
“Oh! Um… Not really! It can take a bit of practice to do it quickly and still have it look nice, and it can be a hassle most mornings… But it’s not too bad! Why’d you ask?”
“I dunno,” I responded truthfully, looking between the plants and her smudged face.
Did you know this story is from Royal Road? Read the official version for free and support the author.
More silence. Neither of us knew how to continue after that. But I didn’t simply want to leave, either. I had forfeited my right to simply walk away.
“... I don’t know much about it. Or about feminine stuff in general. Just kinda seems interesting.”
“... Lawrence, do you want me to show you?”
My heart skipped a beat. Not even Julia could cause it to do that. I brought my hand up to my chest and looked down at my feet. I think I had turned red, but I wasn’t sure why. It wasn’t because she had casually called me by name… That she treated me like a normal person was something I liked about her. No. Whatever the reason, I was excited about the makeup.
“... Sure. I have nothing better to do today.”
~~~
I went up to Lizzy’s room later that evening. She showed me removing her makeup, just so that I could watch her put it on again. I watched her through the mirror. It seemed like such a delicate process. I had never seen her with makeup before today. Most of the maids didn’t wear makeup either, as it got in the way of work. I enjoyed seeing her pretty, if ordinary face slowly coming together, bit by bit. By the end, her eyes looked dark, seductive yet powerful. Her skin glowed. It wasn’t too much- It was a subtle but powerful difference.
“... I like it. You look beautiful.”
“Aww thank you Lawrence! That’s a kind compliment. How sincere is it though, hmm?”
“Sincerely? Very beautiful, ” I replied.
“Oh, direct praise from the crown prince himself! What an endorsement! Well, I hope it was interesting for you… I can show you other types, this is just something simple, you know, you can try all sorts of different colours or apply it in different ways-”
“I um!” I suddenly interjected, rubbing my arm nervously.
“... Yes?”
“C-Could you…” Crap, I was blushing again, “Could you do mine?”
A big smile crossed her face.
“No need to be embarrassed. Noble men wear makeup all the time! I’m not experienced with applying it for guys, but… Hey, at least if we mess up, it’ll just be between us, right?”
“Y-Yeah…”
And so, Lizzy offered me a seat, which I promptly took. Watching my face in the mirror as it came together took what felt like an agonisingly long time, even though she probably spent only about five minutes tops. But it wasn’t an awful experience. Far from it. Even as it neared the end, I couldn’t tell what the final result would be. She applied some blush, gently used a pen to apply mascara to my eyelashes. Then she finally stepped away.
“It’s very basic, but tadah! Whaddya think?”
I finally got a complete look at myself in the mirror. I thought I might look very out of place, a man in makeup. But, weirdly, it fit. And… Well, I’d have to say that this was the least ugly I felt I had ever looked.
I soon had another thought. I looked like the blonde girl. The one I had been dreaming about. Only not quite. It wasn’t quite the same. My hair was still short, for one. But… But I had finally had that revelation. That I had been dreaming about myself this whole time. A feminine self. Tears began to fall from my face, and soon, I was holding my head in my hands.
“L-Lawrence, Prince, Master! I’m sorry! I didn’t do *that* bad job, did I? I’m sooooo sorry!”
“It’s fine,” I mumbled.
And that was where I left it. It wasn’t long after that that I left the room, alone, not explaining myself to a confused Lizzy who hadn’t deserved to be left without an explanation after she had done something so nice for me. I hid my face as I returned to my room, stepping into the bathroom, taking one last look at my face before washing off the makeup in the shower. I know that wasn’t the proper way to do it. But I couldn’t handle showing my emotions there. If I was too vulnerable, Lizzy may have realised that I didn’t just want to be a prince who wore a bit of makeup. No. It was deeper than that.
I wanted to be a woman.
I went to bed alone that night. And cried. Finally cried for the first time since I was a young child. I was a boy, and I wanted to do something fundamentally impossible, cross biological barriers that couldn’t be crossed, claim an identity that wasn’t mine and that I didn’t deserve. I’d give up all the wealth and power and intelligence and women. I’d be poor just to feel comfortable in my own skin. I didn’t want people to perceive me this way anymore. I no longer wanted this pent up sexual energy that would never go away no matter how much of it I released.
I realised just how shallow and vapid my emotional connections were. I wanted a hug. A real hug. And I wanted a friend, a real friend. Ultimately, I wanted a real lover, too. But… After the way I treated Julia, and the women in this manor, did I really deserve a lover?
~~~
The Grass shipment arrived the next day and I was high at the earliest opportunity. It was another day where I wasn’t busy. Julia came up to my room without me calling for her with the bell.
“U-Um, Lawrence, hey…” She asked as I was smoking a bundle and actually writing down some academic work.
“Not today Julia, I’m studying,” I simply replied without looking up at her.
“O-Oh… Okay. Can I just have-”
“Shipment is in storage. You’re welcome to grab a bundle or two from there.”
“T-Thanks… See you, then…”
And that was that.
I didn’t really see anyone at all for the next week, much less have sex with Julia or anyone else. Even when high, my thoughts were consumed with the unfairness of reality. I almost wished I could continue living in the ignorant bliss of my pre-revelation state, before I realised that I wanted the impossible.
People in Selicia only cared about gender on biological lines. It was very firm and rigid, and honestly, that was how I had been raised. I had heard about people who called themselves transgender in Zeer. Men and women who proclaimed that they identified with the opposite gender, even though it wasn’t their birth sex. They hammered on the difference between sex and gender. Gender is social, whilst sex is biological. You can be a biological man but have a female gender, was essentially what they claimed. A rare few identified as neither gender. You could even take hormones and have surgeries, and do all sorts of things to essentially ensure that people perceived you how you wanted to be perceived. There were even some magical procedures you could undergo if you went to a skilled enough mage or scholar, although truthfully, I wasn’t sure how any of it worked.
I had always laughed at it, too, but now I was sympathetic to it. Selicia’s culture wasn’t the same as Zeer’s however. Transgender identities weren’t considered valid. Nobles would often kill anyone who came out as transgender or even homosexual in their provinces, and I’d usually hear about it months after the fact. Normally it would be kept a secret from the general population, but as Prince, these goings ons reached my ears. What would happen if I came out as trans? Would I lose my right to the throne? Would I be disowned by the Belfonse family? Not to mention, I’m still into women. That would classify me as gay too, right? I’d go from the most privileged position on Earth to one of the least privileged. Trans, gay, and… Sadly, I had to admit that I lived in a patriarchy. There was a reason maids were more common than butlers. There was a reason butlers were fully clothed whilst women were expected to wear outfits titillating to the eyes. There was a reason why, even if you weren’t owned as a slave or employed as a noble to essentially be sexy cleaners, you were still expected to be subservient to the husband.
Selicia argued that ‘degeneracy’ was a choice. Even though I’m sure many of the nobles were gay behind closed doors. Even though I’m sure many people had figured out that they were upset with the sex that nature and medical professionals had assigned them at birth. I realised I had one of two choices. I could stay as I am, pretend none of these thoughts go through my head, and continue living life as a male as I always have. Or I could choose to transition, and lose all credibility. Possibly even face death at the hands of people who currently called themselves my allies.
I was choosing between being miserable, and being miserable and probably dead.. I just… I wish reality hadn’t been so cruel to me. I wish I had been born a girl from the start. Born a Princess. If I had been, then… Maybe… Things would finally make sense… I just wanted to look and feel beautiful… I admired their fashion, their voice, the way they behaved, the way they thought about things… I wanted to understand the female experience… I wanted to treat women in a more human way… I… I knew that what I wanted was irrational… That I could still grow emotionally as a man. But, looking within myself, I knew I was a girl at heart. Or at least, that I wanted to be one. That I could reincarnate hundreds of times and still want to be a girl each and every time. The more I pondered it, the less irrational it seemed. Humans wanted to fly, even though we didn’t have wings. We wanted to swim, even though we didn’t have gills. We wanted to create, even though nature hadn’t told us to. To me, men and women seemed more similar to each other than humans were to birds and fish. I soon had to question if my discomfort with the thought of transitioning had more to do with my cultural upbringing than it did with actual logic.
So it was that I abandoned my studies and my lusts to pursue the world of books. Over the next few months I borrowed about a hundred books in total from the manor’s library. I searched for books about ancient legends, magical artefacts, and powerful spirits. Finding nothing useful in Selician, I picked up books written in other languages, and translated them myself. Still nothing useful. Nothing that seemed remotely like what I was looking for, most of what they actually did talk about didn’t seem to be credible anyway. I don’t even really know what I was looking for. An escape? A chance to redo my life as a woman? An ability to transition without being socially punished for it? I didn’t really know. All that I did know was that I was too cowardly to transition via ordinary means. But I wasn’t really expecting anything that could solve this predicament of mine to show up. However, after a while of mindlessly pursuing this, I eventually came to the conclusion that it was probably better to exhaust all my options first. Giving up would feel better if I knew I had tried everything in my power to succeed at this impossible mission of bending reality.
It was about two months in that I finally decided to try translating a book that I had been putting off for a while. It was written in a dead language. Kivishi, I think. I had never studied it before. So I took a tome regarding the Kivishi language, which mostly could only guess at what words in the language actually meant, due to how ancient the civilisation is. The language had a strange, highly contextual ‘alphabet’ that barely felt like a real alphabet, and the writings in the language were highly inconsistent in sentence structure. Needless to say, I wouldn’t merely be reading this book, I would be turning it into a project. I would be the first person uncovering the text in this tome in centuries, quite possibly. That raised my hopes that I would uncover some secret forbidden knowledge, on the other hand, even if there was something that could help me in here, there was a possibility that I wouldn’t find anything even if it did contain forbidden knowledge. It was a complex language and it was a complex tome. There was probably a reason most people didn’t try to tackle this, even though it had been in the possession of the Belfonse royal family for a long time now.
Weeks passed. I barely showed up outside my room. Most of my meals were delivered to me. I didn’t really speak to anyone. Night and day ceased to mean anything, I simply kept working until my mind and body gave out. I stopped bathing. I stopped smoking, even, finding that the Grass dulled my focus. But eventually, I found a passage that seemed interesting. Something about a mirror hidden on Mt Iron Head. I kept reading. Supposedly, the mirror would reflect someone's ideal form. Then… Something about a contract with a ‘great one’? It was possibly referring to spirits. I wasn’t sure what the contract entailed, what you would have to pay and what you would actually get in return, but I was intrigued.
Mt Iron Head wasn’t really explored. Mostly because it was a volcano. Dormant, thankfully, it hadn’t erupted in centuries, but the air was toxic and the terrain was dangerous, and it was home to powerful, dangerous, and possibly unknown animals. Back when the book was written, the volcano was apparently still active. Some crazy bastard decided to hide a powerful magical mirror within a volcano that was liable to erupt at any time?
Even so, I knew what I had to do. I gave up on the tome for the time being as my thoughts became consumed with finding the mirror. So that’s what I did. I organised an expedition. A month later, and I was sitting in a truck with about twenty other men and women, fighters, scholars, and mages alike, all trained for an expedition. I knew that they would be babysitting my inexperienced self, but I wasn’t about to leave something so important to me in the hands of others.
~~~
“My liege. We’ve been on this mountain for an entire week. Our supplies are running low. The animals here are dangerous and inedible. People are getting sick from the ash. We haven’t found a thing. It’s time to go. Even if there is something here, it’s not worth our lives to try and find it.”
I had forgotten the name of the man who came up to me to give me his opinion. I looked between him and the rest of the group, who were trailing behind us. Some of them looked determined. Others seemed to be pleading with their eyes, begging me to listen to him.
“... We knew that the artefact would be at the mountain peak from the start. If we don’t get there in two days, we start climbing down.”
That was my final decision. I turned away from them and continued climbing. Yes, the entire time, I had been thinking about how senseless it was to risk their lives and my own just for the sake of finding a mirror that might turn me into a girl. Even though it might not work, even though it might ask me to pay a price I’m not willing to pay. It really did feel like coming out as transgender and ordering hormones and such would probably be more sensible at this point, even if I did get beheaded or something. But, I was here now, I had waited long enough, and I was going to see it through to the end.
A day after my proclamation someone fell unconscious. I sent five people down who were reluctant to continue to bring him down, whilst the remainder of us pressed on. The air had been hot midway up the mountain, and the animals had been aggressive, but it rapidly got deathly cold as we approached the peak. At least we didn’t encounter any animals in such conditions. We found a cave much sooner than we had been expecting. We dived in, simply assuming that it would serve as a brief reprieve from the harsh winds, and would be a good place to set up camp for some food and sleep. That is what we did. We made a camp. But soon, even though the others noticed it, I realised something was off.
Writing on the walls, hidden by snow. Soon, I was running my gloved hands along the walls, much to the confusion of my crew, and I was trying desperately to remember the Kivishi language without the aid of my translation tome. But soon, I realised that I wouldn’t have to.
“Ayano. Ayano.”
I heard a voice speak that name, and my heart fluttered. Where had I heard that name before? It was… Yes, a book I had read a few years ago. About Ayano and Marianne. It was the only book starring two girls I had ever read. I remember finding it so strange that it was about a lesbian couple at the time. I admired their love for each other. But I also found it strange that two people were even capable of loving each other that much. Was it even possible?
“Come here. Come here. Ayano.”
“... Anyone else hear that?” I asked.
“Your majesty, you’re tired. You’re hearing things. Seeing hallucinations on the wall. Have some food and get to sleep.”
But I went in the direction of where the sound was coming from… I placed my hand onto the snow covered wall, and my hand passed right through. There was no rock behind it. Mindlessly, I simply walked into the snow. It might have been a metre thick, but soon, I was on the other side.
In the centre of a room made out of stunningly carved ice, sat a mirror. It was made of silver, its reflective glass surface perfect and unblemished. It looked like it had been made yesterday.
“Sir,” Someone said as they followed me in, but their breath was taken away once they saw what I was seeing, “You guys need to see this,” they said.
I stepped towards the mirror, and, finally, I saw my reflection. A woman. Long, blonde hair. Crimson eyes that looked so beautiful compared to my boring brown pair. She was wearing a regal military uniform, a sword at her hip, a red cape. Feminine, beautiful, and yet strong. The image shifted. Nightgowns. Dresses. Suits. I saw her as a child, and I saw her steadily age through the years until she was an old woman. Old, yet still beautiful. Still… Me. What I wanted to be. I saw her wearing a crown. I saw Selicia behind her, and I got absorbed into the image. The population, living in harmony. No pain. No exploitation. Then suddenly I was young again, and I saw a woman at my feminine reflection’s side. At first, I thought it was Julia. Brown hair and green eyes. But her hair had a slightly darker, more greyish hue to it than mine or Julia’s, and, well, she didn’t have a face. So I couldn’t say for certain who she was. The girl wrapped her arms around the female version of me in the mirror. Her eyes turned purple. Dark tendrils emerged and wrapped themselves around me, until the surface of the mirror turned completely dark.
And then it turned golden.
I had no clue what it meant. I simply stared at it in awe, tingling with excitement. I could only imagine that the mirror didn’t want to show me what it was offering for an extended period of time, lest I get lost in the reflection. Perhaps the girl I saw was whatever spirit was possessing this thing, telling me that I needed to pay the price it was offering, or else it would hold the ideal me hostage forever.
“Huh. Looks like it’s busted.”
One of the girls stood behind me, and folded her arms.
“It doesn’t even reflect anything. It’s just a glass surface. Still, it looks pretty fancy though. Pretty good find, huh?”
I looked back at it. She was right, it was just opaque glass now. Had I imagined all of that? That couldn’t possibly be the case, right? It seemed too real. I blinked and turned back to her. I had to keep myself together.
“... Right. Yeah. Let’s get it back to the manor. I don’t want to announce its existence until I’ve studied it thoroughly. Whatever magic it was enchanted with may have run dry… But if it’s powered by arcane circles, I might be able to restore it to its former glory.”
“Seems a bit selfish, your majesty, but you’re the boss.”
“That’s how it is with artefacts. Finders keepers.”
“Guess you’re right. Well, I’m just glad the trip is over with. We’ll sleep here tonight then start carrying it down in the morning. It’s been exhausting, but, can’t believe we actually found this thing! Ain't you a smart cookie, little Prince!”
“... Yeah. Thanks.”
And that was that. I left it where it was for the night and returned to the cave to eat and sleep.
~~~
A week later, when we arrived back at the manor with the mirror, I was immediately given an envelope by a very panicked looking Lizzy.
“Julia ran away while you were gone… I-I think… God it’s just… Lawrence it’s been a week and we don’t know where she’s gone and we’ve sent out search parties but she’s such a feeble girl and she may have gotten lost or worse and… Well, this envelope was found in front of your bedroom door and it’s addressed to you, so, I think you should read it. We um… Took the liberty of reading it, unfortunately, just in case it would help us find her. But it really should have been for your eyes only…”
Lizzy left before I could say anything. I was exhausted from my trip, and what she had just dropped on me was a bit too much for me to take in. As the mirror was being carried up to my room, I sat on the front steps of the manor and gave it a read.
*Lawrence. I’ve been holding these feelings in for a long time now. I’ve wanted to share them with you directly, but… Talking to you can be so difficult and exhausting. I really liked you when I first came to work for you. You were awkward, but kind and considerate. I was abused when I was younger and… I was told that I had to be very polite. To be honest, selling myself to save my mother wasn’t that selfless… Because honestly, I just wanted to get away from her. She… Hit me a lot, when she was still well. Made me work to the bone, both at jobs in the village and around the house, whilst she did nothing to help.
As your 18th birthday approached, I sensed a growing lust from you. That made me close up even more, anticipating a day I didn’t want. It was… Worse than I imagined it would be, when that day finally did arrive. I thought my life would be a living hell from then on. And… It was. But ironically, even though your disinterest in my feelings, your casual use of my labour and my body, and your emotional distance was awful for me, I… I steadily began to enjoy the sex we had. And… I relied on you for Grass. Which I needed to numb the bad memories, and the feelings that were welling up and laying unresolved inside of me.
I began to get jealous when you slept with other girls. But as we grew closer, I thought you were starting to develop feelings for me… I waited for when you would show interest in my life, for when you would become someone I could truly trust and confide in, but then… You began ignoring me entirely. Ignoring everyone. Focusing on your strange books and your strange studies. I had wanted to wait until you got back from your expedition, but… I can’t take it anymore. I can’t see your face again. I can’t be here. I’m leaving the estate, picking a direction, and I’m not looking back.
I don’t know where I’ll end up. But I want to go on a journey. I want to escape this cycle of addiction that I have towards someone who is unhealthy to me, who supports my dependance on my vices and who I can’t trust to be there for me when I need them. Because of you and Mom, I don’t think I can trust anyone. Nobody here at the manor, nor anyone else. I know I should have spoken out more… I also know that I shouldn’t have expected you to shoulder all or even some of my burdens, but… I’m more afraid of you reacting badly to me trying to open up to you, or worse, not reacting at all. I want to preserve the fantasy, the slim chance that you’d listen to me if I tried being vulnerable with you.
But I don’t believe in it. So, this is goodbye.
Julia.*
I headed inside and found Lizzy, who had been waiting at the entrance.
“Lawrence I-”
“How far have you extended the searches?”
“All across the estate sir, every inch-”
“Go further.”
“But sir we don’t have jurisdiction to snoop around in other noble’s territories-”
“I said do it.”
My voice wasn’t angry. At least, not overtly so. But beneath the cold way I said it, there was a quiet fury brewing. A fury towards myself.
My orders were obeyed, and I secluded myself in my room for the next few days, working on the mirror. I wanted to get it to activate. I wanted to figure out what price I would need to pay, and how I would pay it. But… In truth, I didn’t care as much about the mirror as I did about Julia. I don’t think I would have the strength to use it until I knew she was okay. How could I live a happy life as my ideal self, when I had ruined hers? I could have done so much more to help her. Make her feel special. But I was emotionally negligent for no good reason.
Four days later, I received news. She had turned up dead in the lake, her corpse floating on the surface. Whether she had chosen to drown herself, or if it had been an accident, the result was still the same either way. She was dead.
I curled up in front of the mirror, sobbing, but not crying as much as I wanted to. I wanted to be wailing at the top of my lungs, truly mourning a loss that had meant more to me than I ever could have known. But no. I was just. Sobbing quietly. As though something small and insignificant had happened.
This was apparently the most emotion I could muster. I just. I just wished I could punish myself more.
It was then that I felt a light on my face. Even though it was the middle of the night. I looked up to see my reflection again, reaching out a hand. Her crimson eyes gazing down upon me with a look of forgiveness.
“Ayano. Take my hand, step through, and become me. I am not reality. I am an idea. A false reflection. But with this mirror’s power, that will be reversed. I will become reality. And you will become the reflection instead.”
“I…”
“Become me, and do what you know to be right. Become what you know to be beautiful and just.”
It sounded so enticing. I sighed. I couldn’t think. I… I took her hand. I reached through the mirror, and took it. It felt like glass at first. But steadily, it became real. Warm, soft flesh.
Then, suddenly, I was pulled through. I left this reality and ended up on the other side.
~~~
I woke up, feeling a bit dizzy. Light was streaming in through the windows and onto my face, but… Wasn’t it coming from the wrong direction? Had my bed been flipped? But, as I opened my eyes, I realised that it wasn’t the bed. All of reality had been flipped, as though I was looking into a mirror. I picked up the book on my bedside table, which was…The story of Ayano and Marianne. I flipped through the pages. Even the letters were reversed! I couldn’t read anything! What was going on?
Then, steadily, I realised that I had hair in my mouth. I had to spit it out. It was… Golden. Silky. Long. And I was wearing a black nightie, and… I had boobs! Actual breasts! I gave them a squeeze just to make sure they weren’t fake. They were real. My hands dived down to my vagina that was surely there but… What? I still had a… Fuck, no, was I dreaming?
I rushed out of bed, stripped naked, and went to look at myself in the bathroom mirror. I was her! I was… Ayano, I suppose? But I had a dick! I looked like her in every way, but I still had this stupid thing! Still, at least it was… Petite and feminine looking, and it wasn’t erect right now like it was most mornings… But still, this was a joke!
I rushed out of the bathroom to look for the magic mirror, or my book that had told me about it in the first place, but neither were to be seen. It was as I was rummaging through my desk that I heard someone enter the room.
“Oh, Ayano, you’re awake already? Are you alright? You look so silly, looking around for things so frantically like that whilst naked! Did you lose your hairbrush or something?”
That voice was familiar, but… It sounded way too chirpy. I turned around. And there she was. Julia, carrying a tray of tea into my room.
“W-What are you doing here?” I asked instinctively.
“Oh, it’s your 18th birthday, so I thought I’d let you sleep in a little and bring you some tea! Come oooon you didn’t forget the conversation we just had, did you?”
She giggled. She actually giggled. It was such a beautiful laugh. Julia didn’t laugh. And I had never seen her smile like that, either. There was pure adoration in her eyes as she looked at me, walking towards me and placing the tea on my desk.
“Mmmm, I know! You were looking for a present to surprise me with! A toooooy perhaps? You’re so naughty Ayano, you just turned 18 and you’re already looking to do kinky things with me… Isn’t vanilla sex enough? I don’t mind doing it right now, you know… As special a time to lose your virginity as any, right?”
I gulped. Was this really Julia? Was this mirror Julia? Was it really my birthday again? What was going on? Disorientated by this mirror dimension, I shakily got to my feet and stumbled onto the bed, crossing my legs and using my hands to hide my member.
“Embarrassed about your dickie? Don’t worry, show it to me! You trust me with it, right? You told me all about it Ayano… It’s fine. I love you as you are. I consider it a birth difference, not a birth defect! I’d love you regardless of whether you had a dick or a vagina. In fact… Now that I can, how about I prove it by giving it a little suck?”
My throat was dry. My head was spinning and I was getting a headache.
“... I feel a little ill, Julia. Please go fetch me a doctor.”
“Oh! Oh… Um! Okay! Let’s get you better so that you can enjoy your birthday to the fullest!”
She reached over and gave me a peck on the cheek before hastily leaving the room.
I never saw Julia again. Without talking to her directly, at the earliest available opportunity I gave Julia a lump sum of money and a good reference and fired her from service in the manor. She was gone in three days. She was a sweet, honest girl. She deserved a life that didn’t involve me, the person who had sexually and emotionally abused her and had driven her to suicide in a different life. It wasn’t that she didn’t deserve me, the person she wanted. It was I who didn’t deserve a second chance with her.
It was in a political meeting that I heard the thing that disturbed me the most about this new reality.
“Lady Ayano, we’ve heard reports from Grisia and…”
“Grisia? Why would I care about Grisia?” I asked cluelessly.
“... Ahem, well, it seems you are a little tired today, Lady Ayano. Grisia is the country where the Monstra currently reside.”
“... And what’s that?”
Everyone in the meeting room looked at each other in bewilderment. Then, they explained it to me, and my heart sank.
The Monstra didn’t exist in my old reality. The mirror version of me had said that this world wasn’t a reality, it was just an idea. So by traversing into this world, and erasing the old one… I had given this planet I claimed to love a cancer that had retroactively been here for nearly a century before I was born. And even though I was now perceived as the woman I had always wanted to be, I hadn't even been given a perfect body in return.
Worse, I soon discovered that those old tomes and the mirror didn’t exist at all. In fact, the Kivishi civilization apparently didn’t exist in the historical records. I didn’t exactly want to go back to the old reality, but… Other than Julia being alive again, it seemed like the old reality had overall been a better place for the world. I supposed that the existence of the Monstra was the key price that I had to pay for this imperfect reward.
I soon discovered why I was considered female even though I had a dick. I was assigned male at birth even in this reality, I had even been named Lawrence again. But as my body was examined further, it was determined that my body produced oestrogen and that I would go through a female puberty, minus the fact that I wouldn’t go through menstrual cycles. When I was only a few days old I was hastily renamed to Ayano and raised as a girl, my dick being kept a secret from the public. Naturally, I went through a female puberty, and the rest was history. People liked me a lot more in this reality, largely because I had reportedly been a very happy child. I quickly had to piece together my history with other people, as the only memories I had were from my time as Lawrence. But some clever questioning and a few excuses quickly caught me up to speed. Thankfully, many of the people I knew were still the same, too, so my knowledge of others that I had gathered as Lawrence wasn’t entirely worthless.
One day I tried smoking Grass again. I coughed and spluttered, my head began to ache and some of my organs began to cry out in pain. I could still feel the effects, but it was hardly a worthwhile high given all that. I had to ban any and all Grass usage from the manor. Apparently the Ayano version of myself hadn’t smoked it as heavily as I had as Lawrence, so I was pretty confused. Did the new body not have a tolerance for it, or was this just one more price that I had paid to the mirror? I didn’t know. In any case, I missed the high, but I steadily began to appreciate the sober life bit by bit.
Eventually, I trusted myself to start having sex again, and even enter into a serious relationship. Georgia was that relationship. But… As we grew closer to one another, I began to develop a pit in my stomach. I thought back to Julia. I began to think that I hadn’t really changed. I grew distant. Georgia grew frustrated. And eventually, I had to break things off, when I realised that, all these years later, I still couldn’t trust myself. I didn’t necessarily do anything bad to her, other than break her heart, other than get her hopes up only to crush them for reasons I couldn’t possibly explain to her given the guilt, given the fact that nobody would believe I had come from a parallel reality. I didn’t trust myself, but she loved me anyway. Because of that, she, too, had to go. I wanted her to stay on as my handmaiden, not wanting another person who was important to me to leave, but Georgia made the decision to leave of her own accord. Just another handmaiden to leave my service. It was cementing itself as a cursed position.
Despite everything, I did all that I could to not let my self hatred consume me, no matter how much guilt I still harboured. I continued to study, I trained with magic and with the sword, I studied up on world affairs and became politically involved, stepping up to take over for the Queen when father died and she fell ill, even though I had not officially ascended to the throne. I wanted to make sure the people of my country could live in a more free, just, and egalitarian fashion. Above all, I vowed to destroy the Monstra.
After all, it was my responsibility to make things right.