Tessa Roads totally lost track of the time.
Rather, she didn’t want to look at her wrist watch anymore. The more she saw how slow the clock arm was ticking, the more sick and angry she got. What is the damn hold up!? She ranted to herself. Her heels are old, well worn, so they shouldn’t hurt her feet even if she stood around for long hours – but she didn’t expect to be standing the whole day like this. Now, it’s starting to pinch through her old war wounds.
There are no chairs to sit on; she refused to sit on anyone’s lap like a child; and she would die before she anyone from work catches her squatting like some ape in a zoo! It was times like this, she wished she could wear running shoes to work and not be fancy in heels – but c’est la vie.
“Detective!” She snarled and marched over to the investigators, “Just how long will this take? Do you have any idea, or a plan for that matter, to figure out who stole what? Believe it or not, I didn’t steal a damn thing. I was just about to leave until the store attendant stopped us. I have been cooperative since the beginning, but your incompetence is beyond the pail!”
“Wow,” Detective Merlin gave up calling a dead line and tried to diffuse the bomb of a situation with a casual smile, “Big words. Don’t blame me if I couldn’t digest most of it. Joke joke. Hmmmmm.”
The detective would pace around, eyeing everyone.
Bored, the high school girl was playing a game on her phone; the scarf lady was fanning herself with a hand; the rich old lady was on her phone ranting to to her husband. The detective swore he heard the words ‘lawyer’ in her string of sentences so he had to wrap this up or he’ll lose his lunch money of a job.
“There is,” The detective voice cracked a bit, “There is a bit of a slight delay but I assure you the lady constable is on her way to help sort this matter out. Just bear with us a little bit longer. Now, clearly all four of you claim you didn’t steal thing—”
The women all gave various complaints and agreements, nodding along.
Damn, their unified response was worse than a stereo feedback, “No panic, no problem. To help speed things up, I have a special psychological test. All I ask is a bit more of your time and cooperation.”
“What the—” Tessa Roads swallowed her curse words and ended up rolling her eyes, “Come on, we’ve gone above and beyond the call of duty to—”
“Let’s start from this side!” Detective Merlin dodged one bullet to slide over to the scarf lady. He flicked up his phone and held it as if it were a microphone, “Miss Scarf, when you’re ready.”
The scarf lady couldn’t help a chortle seeing how Tessa Road was fuming. Still, she was tired and exhausted from all the waiting and nothing to do, so she waved a hand to, “Fine, fine. Get on with it, detective.”
“Thank you, thank you very much. Now: if Celebrity star Brad Pitt were to suddenly show up and invite you to dinner what would you wear for the occasion: one piece Sunday dress; halter top; or deep v and low cutting?”
The high school girl perked up, “I thought he’s already dating—”
“Zip it!” Detective Merlin went, “Shush, the adults are talking!”
The high school girl snorted and went back to playing her candy puzzle game, snarling to herself.
Meanwhile Tessa Roads was going: What...the god damn hell? Before she could lash our with a burst of her outrage, the scarf lady answered absent minded. Guess she was REALLY bored, anything would do right now. Even silly questions like this.
The scarf lady’s response was “Deep v, duh.”
Detective Merlin nodded, “Indeed, indeed. Suitable choice. But given the weather in this Big City, aren’t you concerned it would be a little chilly? I mean look at your friends, they all got long sleeves and coats on them.”
“Oh puh-lease. I’ll just get a bigger shawl, or maybe a fur scarf to keep me warm. It’s worth the investment if you think about it.”
“Ah yes! I am glad you touched upon fur. Which animal would you wear on your shoulder to impress your date: rabbit, mink, fox?”
“Definitely a fox,” the scarf lady giggled, “they have such a refine colour. Matches my eyes and is classy.”
“Foxy indeed. Now, my next question—”
Tessa Roads had enough of this farce! She rolled up her sleeves to give this sham of a detective a piece of her mind. But somehow, someone else took the bite.
“Oh for Christ sake!” The old rich lady barked, “Stop wasting everyone’s time with these stupid questions! If you don’t let us go right now, I’ll sue you! All of you for that matter! And what the hell sort of test is this anyways, I’ll report you for sexual harassment, you hear!?”
Detective Merlin pinched his nose bridge to fight back a groan, “Alright, I’ll come clean. This is a psychological test I picked up from a Woman’s Magazine. It’s suppose to measure how far a woman is willing go for the sake of vanity. How can it be sexual harassment if it was made by women for women!?”
“ENOUGH!” Tessa Roads shrieked, rolling up her sleeves HIGHER! “What does this have to do with us!? This situation!? I had it up to here! Either have a female officer search us or let us go. This has gone far enough and I will make sure to have my friends blow up social media for all the trauma you—”
“Oh what do you know, it’s my Inspector. Would you all so kindly excuse me!”
“LIAR! GET BACK HERE AND FACE ME LIKE A MAN! DO YOU HEAR ME!?”
image [https://images-wixmp-ed30a86b8c4ca887773594c2.wixmp.com/f/e5d49d01-e685-46aa-8d92-b07d57dc33fb/didaiyy-7cc70b06-faf9-4771-a24f-b7127efe7b76.png/v1/fill/w_1280,h_207/moon_tavern_page_break_by_suimaifiles_didaiyy-fullview.png?token=eyJ0eXAiOiJKV1QiLCJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiJ9.eyJzdWIiOiJ1cm46YXBwOjdlMGQxODg5ODIyNjQzNzNhNWYwZDQxNWVhMGQyNmUwIiwiaXNzIjoidXJuOmFwcDo3ZTBkMTg4OTgyMjY0MzczYTVmMGQ0MTVlYTBkMjZlMCIsIm9iaiI6W1t7ImhlaWdodCI6Ijw9MjA3IiwicGF0aCI6IlwvZlwvZTVkNDlkMDEtZTY4NS00NmFhLThkOTItYjA3ZDU3ZGMzM2ZiXC9kaWRhaXl5LTdjYzcwYjA2LWZhZjktNDc3MS1hMjRmLWI3MTI3ZWZlN2I3Ni5wbmciLCJ3aWR0aCI6Ijw9MTI4MCJ9XV0sImF1ZCI6WyJ1cm46c2VydmljZTppbWFnZS5vcGVyYXRpb25zIl19.V__LDKPGxPLEElJXKGgxKvmlMcRIG9Nv3hgCGY_VlEE]
“Aaaah. Nothing like coffee and cookies to hit the spot!”
Inspector Saul returned to his office. He should be happy – freshly brewed coffee and a mixed chocolate chip cookie the size of a dinner plate. Yet he frowned, when he heard the familiar nattering of the office phone.
He glanced at his constables, “Oi.”
“Lunch break.”
“Lunch break.”
“Oh come on!” Inspector Saul marched over to the phone. After a dilemma of which to put down first, fresh coffee or sweet cookie, he finally picked up the call, “C.I.D. Precin--”
[Inspector!] Detective Merlin sounded like he was stabbed and dying on the floor [I can’t hold the fort any longer. We’re about to have a Stanley Cup riot with the four Karens if you do not send us female back up.]
Stolen from Royal Road, this story should be reported if encountered on Amazon.
Oh crap. Inspector Saul remembered what he was ‘supposed to do’. So he went, “I searched high and low. Even if there was a female constable, she is occupied with more important tasks! I can’t just yank her out from a department without permission of her supervisor! I may be Inspector – I am not a Police Commissioner!”
[Can’t you pull someone off beat patrol?]
“C-can’t!”
[Wha-what about information desk?]
“All guys today.”
[Lost and found?]
“Old Mike has been manning that station for 20 years and he hasn’t croaked yet.”
[Evidence room? Archive? PR? Any one!?]
“No. Not today. And they’re on live stream!”
[What about Eve, our secretary! I know, I know, you’re smitten on her enough to keep her from sweating out on patrol, but she’s still a constable right? Can’t you put down your Casanova dignity and call her--]
Inspector Saul clenched the phone as if strangling someone, “Y-you leave Eve out of this Merlin! And she’s at the all girl school doing a presentation! Like hell I would ruin her big day for you!”
[Sir, justice above all else.]
“I am sorry. I can’t help you. If you can’t figure it out, we have no grounds to officially detain those Karens. So let them go if you have to, there is nothing to be done at this point.”
[Sir you can’t possibly---]
Inspector Saul slammed the phone down...too hard, it made him spill his fresh coffee off the desk.
“DAMMIT MERLIN!”
image [https://images-wixmp-ed30a86b8c4ca887773594c2.wixmp.com/f/e5d49d01-e685-46aa-8d92-b07d57dc33fb/didaiyy-7cc70b06-faf9-4771-a24f-b7127efe7b76.png/v1/fill/w_1280,h_207/moon_tavern_page_break_by_suimaifiles_didaiyy-fullview.png?token=eyJ0eXAiOiJKV1QiLCJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiJ9.eyJzdWIiOiJ1cm46YXBwOjdlMGQxODg5ODIyNjQzNzNhNWYwZDQxNWVhMGQyNmUwIiwiaXNzIjoidXJuOmFwcDo3ZTBkMTg4OTgyMjY0MzczYTVmMGQ0MTVlYTBkMjZlMCIsIm9iaiI6W1t7ImhlaWdodCI6Ijw9MjA3IiwicGF0aCI6IlwvZlwvZTVkNDlkMDEtZTY4NS00NmFhLThkOTItYjA3ZDU3ZGMzM2ZiXC9kaWRhaXl5LTdjYzcwYjA2LWZhZjktNDc3MS1hMjRmLWI3MTI3ZWZlN2I3Ni5wbmciLCJ3aWR0aCI6Ijw9MTI4MCJ9XV0sImF1ZCI6WyJ1cm46c2VydmljZTppbWFnZS5vcGVyYXRpb25zIl19.V__LDKPGxPLEElJXKGgxKvmlMcRIG9Nv3hgCGY_VlEE]
We’re sorry. Your call has been disconnected. Please hang up, and try your call again.
Detective Merlin face palmed with his phone, rubbing it all over his face like a towel.
Constable Romanov eyed the angry women, concerned even his mass and muscle couldn’t hold back the horde, “Wh-what do we do now?”
“Gamble.” Detective Merlin once more made the same call, only this time he lowered the shield that was the half-giant Constable. He bravely stood in front of the others with a carefree smile.
image [https://images-wixmp-ed30a86b8c4ca887773594c2.wixmp.com/f/e5d49d01-e685-46aa-8d92-b07d57dc33fb/didaiyy-7cc70b06-faf9-4771-a24f-b7127efe7b76.png/v1/fill/w_1280,h_207/moon_tavern_page_break_by_suimaifiles_didaiyy-fullview.png?token=eyJ0eXAiOiJKV1QiLCJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiJ9.eyJzdWIiOiJ1cm46YXBwOjdlMGQxODg5ODIyNjQzNzNhNWYwZDQxNWVhMGQyNmUwIiwiaXNzIjoidXJuOmFwcDo3ZTBkMTg4OTgyMjY0MzczYTVmMGQ0MTVlYTBkMjZlMCIsIm9iaiI6W1t7ImhlaWdodCI6Ijw9MjA3IiwicGF0aCI6IlwvZlwvZTVkNDlkMDEtZTY4NS00NmFhLThkOTItYjA3ZDU3ZGMzM2ZiXC9kaWRhaXl5LTdjYzcwYjA2LWZhZjktNDc3MS1hMjRmLWI3MTI3ZWZlN2I3Ni5wbmciLCJ3aWR0aCI6Ijw9MTI4MCJ9XV0sImF1ZCI6WyJ1cm46c2VydmljZTppbWFnZS5vcGVyYXRpb25zIl19.V__LDKPGxPLEElJXKGgxKvmlMcRIG9Nv3hgCGY_VlEE]
Inspector Saul was in the middle of cleaning up the spilled coffee with clumps of paper towels.
When the phone went RING RING. RING RING. RING RING.
“Can someone honestly get that—Huh? Barry? Allen? Where did those bastards go!? Of all times to leave their desks!”
Realizing he was on his lonesome, Inspector Saul hissed as he wiped the coffee stains on his pant legging. He whipped up the phone and just yelled, “Stop calling me! I already gave you a definitive answer!”
[Thank goodness, Inspector. You’re a life saver!]
“...I beg your pardon?”
[How long before the female constable is on the way on our location?]
“...Merlin. Are you deaf. I said no one is coming to help you. All their hands are tied!”
[20 minutes? That’s great news. And you hear that, the sound of happy Karens—OW! S-stop throwing things at me Monica! Th-that’s a limited edition!]
Inspector Saul stared into the void. What was this man on about, he was thinking? Did he slip and hit his head? Or did he inhale all those perfume too long and went loopy?
[What was that Inspector?] Detective Merlin went on, in his own world, [Y-you want me to repeat the details, again!?]
“No need. I know enough of—”
[Come on sir. Everyone here has been waiting for hours. You want me to repeat the long story again? Everyone is dying to leave!]
“I said no, Merlin! Repeat, N-O Nooooo! Stop calling back, I’m busy!”
[Alright, alright, I’ll tell it again it’s--]
Before Inspector Saul could be sucked into a vicious trap, he clapped the phone shut. He slammed it too hard, it knocked over the sweet cookie he rested on the corner of the table. It shattered into seven pieces, chocolate chip splattered across the coffee stained floor.
“MERLIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN!”
image [https://images-wixmp-ed30a86b8c4ca887773594c2.wixmp.com/f/e5d49d01-e685-46aa-8d92-b07d57dc33fb/didaiyy-7cc70b06-faf9-4771-a24f-b7127efe7b76.png/v1/fill/w_1280,h_207/moon_tavern_page_break_by_suimaifiles_didaiyy-fullview.png?token=eyJ0eXAiOiJKV1QiLCJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiJ9.eyJzdWIiOiJ1cm46YXBwOjdlMGQxODg5ODIyNjQzNzNhNWYwZDQxNWVhMGQyNmUwIiwiaXNzIjoidXJuOmFwcDo3ZTBkMTg4OTgyMjY0MzczYTVmMGQ0MTVlYTBkMjZlMCIsIm9iaiI6W1t7ImhlaWdodCI6Ijw9MjA3IiwicGF0aCI6IlwvZlwvZTVkNDlkMDEtZTY4NS00NmFhLThkOTItYjA3ZDU3ZGMzM2ZiXC9kaWRhaXl5LTdjYzcwYjA2LWZhZjktNDc3MS1hMjRmLWI3MTI3ZWZlN2I3Ni5wbmciLCJ3aWR0aCI6Ijw9MTI4MCJ9XV0sImF1ZCI6WyJ1cm46c2VydmljZTppbWFnZS5vcGVyYXRpb25zIl19.V__LDKPGxPLEElJXKGgxKvmlMcRIG9Nv3hgCGY_VlEE]
We’re sorry. Your call has been disconnected. Please—
“Okay so,” Detective Merlin clipped his phone between shoulder and ear as he picked up one of the face masks to read the fine print, “It’s a face mask from Japan, super popular by all accounts. Called uuh...Kusogaki, can’t pronounce it without having a stroke. It says here it has uuh...anti-aging, grows wrinkles—”
The scarf lady groaned, “REDUCES wrinkles!”
Detective Merlin nodded, “Right, reduces winkles. Is made with samosa metals—”
The old rich lady threw her hands up, “SAKURA pedals!”
“Oh yes, yes – good eyes madam. Can be applied Michael Bay and McKnight—”
Tessa Roads freaking screamed, “APPLIED DAY AND NIGHT! WHAT ARE YOU IN THE THIRD GRADE!?”
“Sorry, sorry, short sighted! Hahaha! A-and it comes in three brands: regular, premium with extra crap, and sensitive skin. And the one we’re missing is uuuh—”
“The sensitive skin type! God!”
“Ah thank you, thank you! Sensitive skin type. You got that Inspector Saul?...Okay, thanks bye!”
The second Detective Merlin ‘ended’ the call, he turned to face everyone. It was like he just won the lottery. “Ladies and gentl—well just ladies. You’re all free to go.”
“Huh?” Tessa Roads thought it was some joke, or she heard him wrong. “I thought a female constable is on her way to—”
“My bad,” the detective bowed, “We are short staffed today. So forget the body search. Everyone can go home – save you.”
Detective Merlin marched right up to Tessa Road’s face...only to push her aside.
He stopped in front of the high school girl.
“Thank you, ever so kindly young lady,” The detective smiled at his target, “If it weren’t for you, no one would have known which face mask was stolen. Even the store attendant didn’t know which of the three was taken. The only person who would know that missing detail – is the thief.”
“W-wait, wait,” Tessa Roads tried to regain her bearings. “Sh-she was the first to walk through the scanner. It didn’t go off.”
“Exactly, that is what the store attendant mentioned when Constable Romanov and I arrived on the scene. And that was where I got the idea the thief remove the contents from their secure packaging. Like I said, each face mask are individually packed – thin as dollar bills.”
The high school girl tried to back pedal from all these accusations – only to run into a wall. Correction, she ran into Constable Romanov’s chest. Geez, he’s a rock!
“....Oooooh.” Tessa Roads made a low noise when everything settled in her mind. “To think, she was the one all along.”
Detective Merlin let out a sigh as he leaned towards the high school girl, “I hate to say this, buy you’re a smart girl. You don’t just steal any type, you picked the one suitable for your dry and sensitive skin.”
The high school girl tried to avoid eye contact, but the detective made sure the message got across.
“You want to be invisible, don’t treat everyone here like idiots. Young lady, you are hereby under arrest for shoplifting. Anything you say can and will be written down and used against you in court. When we get to the station, I am sure the female constables would be available to give you a thorough body search. And yes, I am definitely going to call your parents.”
A groan responded to him. Busted.
“Thank god,” Constable Romanov relaxed shortly after clapping the cuffs on the high school girl’s wrist. “Good thinking detective, that’s why you’re the best in our division!”
“Thank you, thank you,” Detective Merlin bowed, “I perform every Tuesdays, Thursdays, Fridays, and occasional weekends. And everyone, thank you for your patience, you’re free to go. No cap.”
Groans and sighs of relief as the scarf lady and rich old lady stormed off. Day ruined, but at least they aren’t clapped in those gaudy cuffs. Tessa Roads was last to leave...but she wasn’t satisfied.
“What is your name?”
“Ah. My humble name is Detective Merlin. Don’t tell me, you want my number?”
“I will report you to your superiors. You can count on it.”
“...Wh...what did I do?...What did I do!?”
Tessa Roads didn’t want to see this idiot again. She felt like seeing him again would only shave a few more years off her life – and she want to live a full happy life, thank you very much.
Alas, her bad luck was just warming up.