“D-Diiiii! I-It’s Joe, I t-think J-Joe broke!”
A trembling mass of tentacles waved the slime covered mortal before Death. A gagged and tightly wrapped mortal. A red-faced mortal, moaning into the tentacle gagging his mouth. An odd sight but nothing that far off from what one could consider normal for Joe.
“AND WHY DO YOU THINK HE BROKE?”
Troubled, Darkness unwound the tentacle blocking Joe’s mouth, exposing the world to the cacophony of curses, threats and general blasphemy.
“I SEE.”
Death grabbed one of the many wiggling tentacles and shoved it back into Joe’s mouth before he could manage to earn any more heavenly ire for the things he’s been screaming.
“WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN?”
“J-just this morning. Everything was fine when he woke up but then… then h-he just started screaming.”
“ARE YOU SURE YOU HAVE NOT DONE ANYTHING TO HIM? EVEN FOR SOMEONE LIKE JOE, WHAT YOU DESCRIBE DOES NOT MAKE ANY SENSE. “
Death sidestepped an enormous teardrop that splashed against the ground where she stood but a heartbeat ago. As eldritch abominations go, this one always caused her extra work for all the wrong reasons.
“Oh… right. L-last night, h-he got a new title. D, you t-think it because of t-that?”
“A TITLE?”
Eagger to show her what she meant, darkness squeezed Joe until his dark status screen popped out of his body.
“See! He got that one last night!”
True to the Darkness words, anew title shined in gold letters on Joe’s status screen. Harem King.
“IT SEEMS LIKE SOMEONE ONCE AGAIN DID SOMETHING UNNECESSARY BUT IT IS STILL SOMETHING HARDLY WORTH MAKING A FUSS ABOUT. ARE YOU SURE NOTHING ELSE HAPPENED?”
Death poked through Joe’s stats, trying to avoid all the slime covering his status screen. Oddly enough, nothing else seemed out of the ordinary. Was this title really the only cause of all this commotion? Most if not all the mortals she serviced would die happily just to get this title. Joe on the other hand…
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Furious and slimy, Joe was trying to bite his way out of his predicament.
“LET HIM GO. I WANT TO SPEAK WITH HIM.”
“Are you sure that is a good idea?”
“JUST PUT HIM HERE.”
With a long slurp then a plop. Joe’s body landed beside Death. He wasted no time. He stood up, cleared as much tentacle gunk from his face as he could and was about to give them a piece of his mind when a ‘THUD’ happened.
“HAVE YOU CALMED?”
“I, I think so.”
Joe answered and watched as Death pulled her sword out of his chest then did a fancy swirl with the blade to shake off tentacle slime before she sheathed her blade and hid it underneath her cloak. The thing that went thud was his soulless body collapsing on the ground. Funny thing, along with his body, all the anger, hate and frustration left him.
“Neat trick.”
He watched his collapsed body through his transparent arms. It was still breathing. Kinda soulless but still alive.
“EXPLAIN YOURSELF.”
“What is there to explain? Another of those assholes messed with me when I was sleeping and put that shitty title on me. I want it gone and I want an apology.”
“CALL ME OLD-FASHIONED JOE, BUT I THINK THAT NAME-CALLING OMNIPOTENT DEITIES IS A POOR CHOICE FOR LONG TERM SURVIVAL. AS FOR THE APOLOGY, I WOULD NOT COUNT ON IT.”
“Can’t you do something about it? Cut it off with your scythe or something? Anything?”
“HOW KIND OF YOU TO HOLD ME IN SUCH HIGH REGARD HOWEVER EVEN I MUST FOLLOW SOME RULES. THE TITLE STAYS. “
Seeing she wasn’t bluffing, Joe cussed one more time then dropped to the ground where he sat cross legged and hid his face in his palms. Then he did something neither Death nor Darkness thought he was capable of. Joe cried. Silent. Unmoving. Not even his breathing betrayed the storm raging inside his soul. Only his tears slid down his cheeks and dropped on the unholy ground.
“JOE?”
“You may as well just kill me now. I don’t care.”
“I DO NOT KILL PEOPLE. I HELP THEM MOVE ON AND YOU ARE OVEREXAGGERATING.”
“Says everyone until they marry a sociopath. I spent months in high security prison just because a bitch I married had an affair she paid for with my money and when I complained she ruined my life and kicked me out of my own house. Can you imagine what it is like for a normal, innocent person to end up in a high security prison among all the serial killers and other whackos while branded a rapist? Every day I cried myself to sleep in my cell, I promised myself I will never again let a woman hold that much power over my life. Now some piss poor excuse of a goddess comes and orders me to marry willy-nilly just to get some worthless buffs. Fuck no. I’d rather die than be her entertainment. What do you wait for? Get that scythe out. My neck is ready.”
“JOE, THAT IS NOT SOMETHING UP TO ME.”
“Oh, but it is something up to me.”
The big solitary eye of darkness had a big, angry frown.
“HAVE I NOT TOLD YOU NOT TO MEDDLE WITH MORTALS? ESPECIALLY NOW WHEN YOU ARE ON PROBATION.”
“I am not going to meddle with mortals. They’re not mortals, are they?”
A single tentacle pointed upwards in the general direction of the current pantheon.
“WELL, TECHNICALLY THEY ARE NOT.”
“Good. Move out of the way.”