“Lost chapter”
Memories three?????
It was Monday afternoon after school. As a member of the library committee, I had the responsibility of overseeing the library during this time.
With the mid-term exams now behind us, it felt like a moment to finally exhale after the chaos stirred up by the unexpected appearance of the third-year occult group. The school atmosphere, once vibrant and full of life, now seemed to echo with a somber mockery of its former glory. The hallways were eerily quiet, with only faint murmurs drifting from the distance.
As time passed, students seemed to grow increasingly distrustful and dishonest, casting doubt upon each other's abilities and intentions. It was as though they were slowly awakening to the harsh reality lurking beneath the facade, revealing the ugly truths that had long been concealed.
A shadow, or perhaps a curse, had descended upon the walls of the school. Yet, in truth, it had always been cursed. It's just that humans lacked the resolve or conviction to peer beyond the veil of this curse. It was only when I brought forth the cries of folly and unveiled the depraved ones that the curtains fell, and the stage was set for its next performance.
Sometimes, I find myself pondering whether I am truly a villain or a hero.
Yes, I brought injustice to its knees and condemned it to its inevitable end. But in doing so, I also brought misfortune upon those who followed, like poor Mia-chan.
In my eyes, this world exists only in two colors: black and white. Life and death, suffering and relief—they are intertwined, inseparable. One cannot exist without the other. When night blankets the land in its moonlight, the sun shall rise once more. Joy is followed by misery, and life's blessings are intertwined with death's inevitability.
Such is the way of the Infinite. How can we expect the world to evolve when it refuses to confront its own shadows? If only there existed a mirror vast enough to reflect its darkness upon itself.
But the problem lies with me. I am the only one unable to seek the opposite.
Trapped upon an eternal stage, I am the sole performer without the means to find salvation. My lines remain unfinished, and I am doomed to weather away, forever ensnared in the cycle of light's false hope and the swirling darkness that surrounds me.
I have always felt this way...
(I am not born to pleasure contenders. But here I am...)
Finally reached the library, it was quiet and empty. The tables and desks were clean and unmoved as if they had been untouched for ages. The room was rectangular in shape, and to the back left displayed a number of shelves with different kinds of books, mostly associated with recent written and study materials left by seniors to help juniors in time of need.
I just sat at the counter which faced the refectory table. Beyond it, the glassed windows closed as the rays of sunlight of sunset, red of lava, and orange of desert started to materialize, passing through the Fragrant windows.
(A perfect time to work alone)
After a few minutes had passed, the library door was opened. I looked to my right only to see none other than Suzane Chinara, Tada Yosai's Girlfriend and classmate. And you can say, a reading partner.
“Oh! I figured you would be here.” Suzane said quietly
“Konbanwa Suzane.” I nodded. “What business do you have today?”
“The Formality is unbelievable...”
“And here I thought such elegance admired most by the opposite gender.”
“Yeah, if you were born like a couple of hundred years ago” Suzane chuckled. “Anyway. Yeah, Tada failed his chemistry exam, and you can guess why I am here.”
“Oh... I see I see...” I said slowly with irony.
Suzane is a striking figure, with waist-length black hair adorned with bangs cascading gracefully to the left side, secured by a charming bunny-shaped barrette. Her piercing blue-purple eyes and slender, well-defined physique set her apart. Standing tall, she possesses a rare elegance.
While she maintains a serious demeanor, particularly in the presence of students, Suzane reveals a different side when around Tada or myself. Often described as a typical tsundere, she isn't harsh by default but can be easily provoked, exhibiting a snappy or even violent demeanor, especially in response to Tada's teasing. However, beneath her snarkiness lies a pure-hearted nature.
Sensitive, polite, and levelheaded, Suzane is always ready to lend a helping hand. Her kindness extends to Tada’s younger sister, Sugayuki, who battles autism, showcasing Suzane's compassionate nature. Despite her intelligence and high academic achievements, she can be strict towards Tada, often chastising him for his sharp remarks, yet expressing genuine affection and claiming to love him more than he realizes. As their relationship deepens, Suzane evolves into a more cheerful and less strict version of herself.
Prior to their relationship, Suzane faced challenges stemming from her family background—a lineage of famous fashion models on her mother's side, and her father being a newscaster on Tokyo TV. Misunderstood by classmates who perceived her as a spoiled elitist, she endured their attempts to exploit her social status until she finally stood up for herself, labeling them as "scum of the earth" and initiating a confrontation.
Despite being treated like an outcast due to her family's circumstances, Suzane concealed her true feelings until confiding in me last year. Our bond strengthened as we found solace in shared interests and mutual support. However, everything changed when Tada entered her life. While the specifics of their romance elude me, it's evident that he played a transformative role in Suzane's life, liberating her from loneliness and enabling her to embrace her true self without guilt.
Freed from the constraints of her family's expectations, Suzane pursued her dream of becoming a teacher, fueled by her passion for learning and enjoyment in tutoring Tada. Despite not reclaiming her old friendships, Suzane finds solace in the love and companionship she shares with Tada and others, expressing that her current relationships far surpass anything she experienced in her past.
(Quite the courageous woman)
My relationship with Suzane is strictly platonic. Never ever reached the border of close friends. Which is why she trying as hard as she can. Tada would often interrogate me to make sure I didn’t steal her from him. Which obviously had no slightest interest.
“Tada is running late,” I commented breaking the silence after she took a seat face to me.
“He said he was going to bring his sister home and then come back.”
“Couldn't you go along with him? Especially Since Sugayuki is fond of you.”
“I would have.” Her reaction turned a little grim. “But I noticed Tada’s reaction was more furious than usual. After the call had ended, he rushed to bring back Sugayuki home and told me he would come back after he reassure everything is alright.”
“Sounds like she got in trouble or something. Let's hope she hasn't lost her will to live yet...” I said coldly.
Suzane frowned and said mildly irritated;
“Don't just say that!”
“How is that any offense?” I asked without showing a change of emotion.
“Blatantly saying that sounds like you don’t care about her. If Tada heard, you say that he might get pissed.”
"Perhaps I'm just laying out a scenario, a what-could-be, considering the firestorm Tada seemed ready to unleash, as you mentioned. Instead of outright jesting about it. Besides, we're both privy to the near-miss catastrophe from last year, the close call that still haunts us in the shadows."
"That's enough!" Suzane's palm met the table with a resounding smack, her frustration palpable. "I get what you're insinuating, but mind your words. They carry weight, and misconceptions could lead you into hot water."
"How's that entirely my fault?" I retorted, my words measured. "Am I to blame for a world that's too quick to leap to conclusions? Instead of embracing the moment, we let speculation run wild, stirring chaos and assumption. If only, just for a fleeting moment, we pondered our actions beforehand. So much could change, so much could be prevented. We, as a society, could ascend to a higher plane of existence."
"Didn't that big brain of yours foresee this reaction when you started speaking in riddles?" Suzane's brow furrowed as she challenged me.
"Of course, it did..." I sighed heavily. "It always does. And for good reason."
"So, this was all just a game to you, was it?" Suzane's tone held a mixture of disappointment and curiosity.
"I'm not that cruel, Suzane. I'm more... curious."
"You haven't changed..." Suzane's voice wavered slightly as she spoke.
After a moment's pause, she continued, "Not everyone can navigate the world with the same intellect as you."
"I understand your point," she admitted, her gaze falling. "Believe me, I used to be much like you. But change doesn't come from expecting the world to adapt to you. It's about understanding its order until you can influence it for the better."
"True," I conceded, "if the other side is willing to be swayed. But in a society as stubborn as ours, that seems improbable. Besides, what you're describing sounds like submission. Growing complacent and hoping for change? We've seen where that leads."
Suzane stuttered, her expression shifting to one of infuriation. Sensing her rising anger, I endeavored to tread carefully, ensuring my point was conveyed as clearly as possible.
"Look, all I'm suggesting is this: don't expect people to grasp your perspective if you're only ever peaceful and kind. It's a strategy that might work in rare cases, but without some degree of assertiveness, progress is improbable."
"So, you're advocating for violence?" she inquired, her tone devoid of emotion.
"No, but if circumstances demand it, I won't shy away," I replied, exhaling deeply before continuing. "I'm not discounting your approach. In fact, it's commendable. But in a world where the wolf preys upon the sheep, sometimes you have to bare your teeth, or the wolf will never learn."
As our debate settled, a sense of guilt washed over me for prodding at her emotions. Attempting to alleviate the tension, I offered, "But I don't wish any harm upon Sugayuki. I hope she's coping well. She's a genuinely good person; she doesn't deserve this treatment."
Suzane's countenance shifted from sorrow to a semblance of joy, finding solace after our heated exchange—a familiar occurrence in our conversations, reminiscent of times past.
"Oh, Suzane," I called out to her.
"Yes?" she responded.
"I don't mean to upset you, but please refrain from saying you understand or that you used to be like me. Because if that were the case, you wouldn't have wonderful people like Tada in your life."
Suzane's voice trembled with deep heartbreak, a poignant silence following her words.
I'll never be like Suzane—rehabilitated, content, free, and boundless. Love and sincere happiness seem like distant dreams, as does the notion of a family. These concepts are foreign to me, leaving me feeling like an outcast in this world, more akin to a demon summoned into the physical realm.
I feed on pain, both inflicting it upon others and consuming it myself like a parasitic force slowly consuming its host. There's no joy, no mercy in my existence, only a vast expanse of misfortune trailing behind me.
"Promise me, Makas... that you'll find your way..."
"You are destined to bring forth unfolding misery!"
"Mother... what significance does one's lordship truly hold in the light? And not in the other?"
A cloud of visions enveloped me, blinding my sight with enigmatic calls. They summoned forth voices from a time and space I could never fully grasp, as if my memories were fragments of a larger whole beyond human comprehension.
"Huh!" I gasped, jolting back to the present.
“....” Suzane rose from her seat, concern etched into her features. "Are you—"
If you spot this story on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.
"I'm fine," I interrupted, my gaze fixed on the fallen book. "Just a headache. Nothing serious."
"Are you sure?" Suzane approached cautiously, her worry palpable. "You looked like you were about to have an episode."
"I said I'm fine!" I snapped, frustration lacing my words. "I... I'm sorry... no need to worry..."
Taking a deep breath, I retrieved my belongings from the floor, while Suzane, fear evident in her eyes, stumbled back in concern.
“Welcome back! This news is coming live from TV Tokyo!"
“You still have that...” Suzane spoke in a sarcastic tone. “What do you keep that radio with you all the time?”
“To keep up with the news...” I answered quality.
“I genuinely feel like talking to my grandpa...”
“I will take that as a compliment...”
“Reports have shown a continuous decrease in temperature despite entering the summer season. This spring has recently been of a somber tone with the festivities. So, expect the upcoming days to be a downfall in case everyone is planning for their next school, or family trip. On the matter; Tokyo and Yokohama will experience a raindrop between...”
“Dad on the job again...” Suzane chuckled.
“That's weird...”
“You mean the weather?” she picked it up.
“Yes.... We have been like this since last year. And no signs of changing it the way back...”
“Maybe it's the natural way to adapt to the rapid rise in climate change?” Suzane assumed.
“You could say that... but what i was hinting earlier wasn't just our weather status...”
“Hm?” Suzane looked in confusion.
“Storms and rainfall have been falling recently. And on a rapid sequence. Not only here, but out there.”
“You are talking about the other contents?”
“Have you seen what happened in China a month ago? On the news, a massive scale of thunder rained down on the capital. And caused quite a havoc upon its citizens. What's more shocking, the president had to call off his meeting with the Us, not mention the did as well. Given their nature, I found it rather disturbing. China doesn't ignore such a dilemma but when it comes to nature, they suddenly retailed? As if they are believing in deities and such.”
“Don't tell me Tada convinced you to start watching anime...”
“No, but he is still obsessed with telling every... Isekai he ever watched...” I said annoyingly.
“Oh... He does that...” Suzane chuckled.
“Back to the topic at hand, I won't deny such belief exists. But my concern is elsewhere. “Rubbing my chin, I started to rant unconsciously. “The whole world government is acting weird. First, they shift their focus from war and domination like always do into something enigmas.”
“Government have always done that...”
“Yes, but it naturally would be subtle. Without giving a chance for the public to notice. If you are like any ordinary citizen, concerned with their idle matter. You wouldn't flinch or even care what comes on and off on the news. But we are different. We are alarmed, and once you see the bigger picture. You will notice how bad it is going...”
“Once you dive into the political mass unholy secrets. It only gets worse from there...” She continued. “But now that you mentioned, they don't usually pause such a dilemma on a sudden turn. They take their take.”
“This one is not...” i got up from the chair and began to theorize. “Climate changes in a drastic speed. Alongside the enigmatic behavior of the weather. The government's and states' leaders shift in their goals. Something internationally is threatening them.”
"Are you envisioning doomsday scenarios already?" Suzane's laughter danced through the air like a mischievous sprite. "Though I won't hold it against you if you are..."
I paused, catching the worry etched into her expression.
"You wouldn't react like that without reason," I observed.
"I know..." she admitted softly.
"So, what's got you so concerned?" I inquired.
"Huh?!" Suzane's lips curled into a playful smirk. "Are you fretting over me?"
"Merely curious," I replied with a hint of detachment. "But I won't deny... I remember the depths of despair you once faced."
Silence enveloped the library, a tranquil sanctuary amidst the storm brewing outside. Rain cascaded in sheets, students fleeing to the comfort of their homes. Meanwhile, Suzane wrestled with memories of her dark past, a time before Tada breathed new life into her.
I remembered too, the day I found her on the school rooftop, poised on the brink of oblivion. Just before the world could claim her, I intervened. Not out of altruism but driven by a selfish desire to unravel the enigma of the human mind.
Though some might paint my actions as heroic, I knew better. I never aimed to rescue her; I merely presented a choice.
Just as I do now...
"What if the world ceased to exist this very moment?" She posed the question without much emotion.
"How exactly...”
“Does it matter?”
The end is coming, eventually. It's not surprising, really. Just look around. The signs are all there. Climate change is wreaking havoc, tensions escalating between nations, technological advancements spiraling out of control. It was bound to happen sooner or later.
I don't feel much about it, to be honest. It's not like I'm rooting for it, but emotions don't change what's inevitable. It's just a matter of time.
No point in fighting against the inevitable. Everything has its end, even the world. It's just another chapter closing in the grand story of existence.
Not much point in talking to anyone about it. They wouldn't understand, and frankly, I don't care to explain. Better to keep my thoughts to myself and focus on what needs to be done.
It does make you wonder, though. About life, about purpose, about what it all means in the end. But maybe those questions don't have answers. Maybe they're just part of the human condition, even when the world is ending.
“Well, i honestly don't know. But can I interest you in what happens after?”
“Sure...” She nodded.
“Either we all die and never question what happened. Only what's going to happen. Destined death as i like to call it...”
“Fancy... and dark. But alright...” She commented.
“Or you wake up the next day. Only to see the world around you dead... except you. Rendering to your chances of survival in this post-apocalyptic world. I consider the latter the lesser evil than this one.”
“Because the end is obvious, and the first one is more merciful?”
“Perhaps. Better to die than experience tragedy and hardship.”
“Sounds like those western apocalyptic movies. You know? The walking dead, Zombie z world?”
“World war... Z i think it was called.” I sighed. “Tada made me watch those when i was invited to his house.”
“Hahaha.” Suzane smiled. A rare reaction to experience. “Tada likes western movies largely because they don't mask sense.”
“You got that right...” I chuckled in return. “He wouldn't shut up about them.
“But that's your answer.... or mine, i guess.”
“There is a third choice.”
“...?”
“Where we are reincarnated.”
“Isekai....” I said disappointedly.
“Yes....” She smiled. “A second chance, as they say.”
“More like hell... reliving life after you experienced one isn't exactly a thrilling conundrum.”
“It's neither hell nor heaven in retrospect.” She smiled as she began to walk around the library. “I am sure you have heard the term, Samsara.”
“The cyclicity of all life, matter, and existence.” I spoke back while following her. “its a fundamental belief of the Hindu mythology. Where you are reincarnated into a higher plane after the first one. Or, stopped down into a shitter life, depending on your action and based on the god's judgment. Yama to be exact.”
“Exactly...” She spoke cheerfully. “But there is one note that bothered me.’
“That would be?”
“Will we recall our memories from our past life or relive a new one?”
In the labyrinth of existence, where the threads of life intertwine and diverge, the notion of reincarnation dances on the edges of our understanding. Imagine, if you will, a tapestry where each thread represents a life lived, woven together to form the intricate fabric of the cosmos. Within this cosmic weave, the question arises: if we are indeed reincarnated and carry with us the memories of past lives, does this experience manifest as heaven or hell?
At first glance, one might envision the accumulation of memories from past lives as a weighty burden, a tangled web of joy and sorrow, love and loss. To carry the weight of countless lifetimes, each with its own trials and tribulations, could indeed seem like a descent into the depths of hell. The weight of past mistakes, the haunting echoes of regrets, the relentless cycle of suffering—such thoughts could easily lead one to despair.
And yet, upon closer examination, a different perspective emerges. What if the memories we carry from past lives serve not as chains to bind us, but as guideposts to illuminate the path forward? What if each memory, each experience, is a lesson waiting to be learned, wisdom waiting to be embraced? In this light, the journey of reincarnation takes on a different hue.
Perhaps, then, reincarnation is not so much a descent into hell as it is an ascent into heaven. Each life lived, each memory recalled, becomes a stepping stone on the path to enlightenment, a stairway leading ever upwards towards spiritual fulfillment. Through the tapestry of reincarnation, we have the opportunity to learn and grow, to evolve and transcend.
But the question remains: is this journey one of heaven or hell? Perhaps the answer lies not in the destination, but in the journey itself. For in the end, it is not where we end up that matters, but how we travel the road. And if we can find meaning and purpose in the midst of life's uncertainties, if we can learn to embrace each moment with gratitude and grace, then perhaps, just perhaps, heaven and hell are but two sides of the same coin—a coin that we, in our infinite wisdom, have the power to flip.
"I... I don't know," I confessed with a shrug.
"Seriously?" Suzane appeared disappointed. "I thought you'd spin some metaphorical web to confuse the hell out of me."
"Would you really want to hear all that?" I countered.
"No, thanks!" Suzane chuckled. "Just messing with you."
She moved to a nearby table, where a jumble of books lay scattered.
"Me neither..." Her voice wavered with a touch of anguish. "When I first pondered this, it tormented me, knowing that one day I'll perish and forget everyone I ever loved, only to be reborn with a new identity."
"But you know what lifted me back up?" She turned to me, a soft smile gracing her lips.
"Desire?" I suggested.
"Love," she affirmed.
"Is that so...?" I replied, my tone tinged with disillusionment.
"Cliché as it may be, it's the truth." Suzane began organizing the books, her movements deliberate. "Love is intrinsic to life. If life and death are eternal, so too are love and hate. Memories tether us to the bittersweet moments of our past. So even if I forget, I'll eventually remember them. The good and the bad."
She continued to shelve the books as she spoke.
"As for your notion of a new kind of hell, it wouldn't change much. Memories are just that—past tense. The present is what matters. So, I intend to make my last memories count. And at least, you won't be alone."
"Are you suggesting that all of humanity, if reincarnated, will eventually remember their past lives?" I questioned.
"In a sense, yes," she replied with a serene smile. "In a way, we were never truly separated to begin with."
"I find many flaws in that theory of yours," I retorted.
"Believe what you will, but it makes this existence more bearable," Suzane countered.
"You're barking up the wrong tree!" I snapped quietly.
"I know what you did," Suzane's tone turned icy, reverting to the harsh edge of the girl I once knew.
"What are you talking about?" I asked, caught off guard.
"The Third-year incident," she replied, her gaze unwavering.
The once cozy atmosphere, filled with the soft murmur of pages turning and the gentle hum of fluorescent lights, suddenly felt eerie and unsettling.
Without warning, the temperature in the room dropped degrees, causing a chill to creep into the air, wrapping around like an unseen shroud. The familiar scent of old books and polished wood was replaced by the thunderous raptor of the lightening outside.
The fluorescent lights flickered intermittently, casting eerie shadows that danced across the walls like specters in the night.
Outside, the once bustling campus seemed to vanish into an abyss of fog, obscuring the world beyond the library's walls. The windows, once a portal to the outside world, now revealed nothing but an impenetrable wall of gray, stretching endlessly into the void.
“If what you are saying is correct....” I spoke coldly....” What will you do about it?”
"Nothing... absolutely nothing," she uttered calmly. "But your eyes speak volumes, and I don't hold it against you for doing what you did."
She clutched her chest, a tear escaping her eye.
"But why must you do it alone?" she questioned.
I remained silent, unsure of how to respond.
"Why didn't you come for us? Can't you see that you're not the only troubled soul here in need of assistance?" Her tone turned resentful. "I know you're not kind. I know you're a colossal jerk. I know you derive some sick pleasure from manipulating human lives as if they were mere test subjects for your own amusement. Talking to you would be a waste of my time! But I also know that buried deep within you, there's a man grappling with the meaning of his own existence; that's why you seek answers from others, whether it's through books or the people around you. And for once, you actually seem to care about human morality because if you didn't, you wouldn't have saved me then or that poor girl who that third-year bastard victimized! But why?"
I remained silent, grappling with her accusations.
"Why did you go to such lengths? We could have worked together and found a better solution than this torturous charade built on lies. You're just breeding more falsehoods, not fixing anything!"
Still, I couldn't find the words to respond.
"I know..." Her voice cracked as tears streamed down her face. "I know you have a death wish... much like I once did... so please, let us help you... PLEASE!"
In this world, there are those who act with kindness simply because it's in their nature, regardless of how others perceive it. Personally, I find such people to be both foolish and admirably confident in their folly.
But it raises the question: do I deserve these individuals in my life? Do I even want their involvement?
I could easily brush them off, politely suggesting they mind their own business. Yet, for some inexplicable reason, I hesitate. It's as if I'm uncertain about remaining on this path, this path of sorrow. It's as though a part of me yearns for change.
Support? What kind of support do I truly desire, beyond the medical assistance I might require? Support that addresses the root of the pain, the symptoms that have become ingrained in my being. But what's there to complain about? I convince myself I'm fine as I am, at least in my own self-constructed reality.
But am I really? I find myself engaging in internal monologues whenever someone challenges my beliefs, much like now and many times before. And without fail, they always seem to echo the same sentiment: "Live with the pain, as if it were an addiction."
Why? Why are they so troubled by it? Pain, after all, is a fundamental part of each of us, much like happiness and sadness, life and death. So why the aversion?
Is it me? Am I the one causing this discord?
----------------------------------------
This memory, for some unfathomable reason, came rushing back to me like a tidal wave crashing upon the shore. It dredged up the very regret I carried with me into the next realm.
The debate of whether I was right or wrong holds scant significance now. It's the aftermath, the bitter fruit of my actions, and the relentless cascade of consequences that weigh heaviest upon my soul. The boundless sea of regret that followed, engulfing me in its merciless currents.
My past existence feels like an endless tapestry of misery and chaos, a labyrinth from which there seemed no escape. Instead of seeking alternative paths, I chose to immerse myself in my own madness, allowing it to consume me slowly, like a relentless undertow dragging me into the depths of insanity, only to have it return to haunt me to this very day.
Perhaps she was correct in her assessment all along. This, indeed, is my samsara, my personal hell, a penance for the sins of my past.
If only... If only I had opened my heart to them, to the possibility of redemption and companionship, perhaps this path would have been less solitary.
To others, those memories might evoke a sense of nostalgia, a return to simpler times. But for me, they serve as a bitter reminder of the trials I have faced and those that still lie ahead. Yet, they could undoubtedly lighten this burden I carry.
(If only I had placed more trust in them...)
But I find myself questioning the motives of these eldritch gods, if gods they truly are. Why bestow such fleeting moments of joy upon others, only to snatch them away with cruel indifference?
Is it out of sadism, a perverse delight in our suffering? Or do they, in their inscrutable ways, feed upon our memories, sustenance gleaned from our fleeting moments of happiness?
I may never comprehend the answers, nor will it likely ever matter in the grand scheme of things.
"Allow me to introduce you to Sir Umbra!" Uthane spoke excitedly. "He is our new client!"
(Huh..... should i open my heart to these people... or keep in chain check....)
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