I can't remember exactly what happened, but there is one thing I can

recall: I recently died.

How and when remain unknown to my insight, but I am confident that I am

dead. It's not something you would know, but rather an instinct. Similar

to how one knows when something is obviously wrong or out of place, it is unexplained

in nature. Perhaps some part of my unconscious mind is familiar with

this instinct like deja vu while the other is buried in the dark and ignorance.

The moment I became aware, I noticed I was surrounded by deep

darkness that swallowed the ambiance. An absolute void devoid of noise

and sound. I can't feel any physical embrace of my body or make the slightest

movement, nor see or speak any words.

It is just that, a blackened cavity with no soul to see or speak. The fact

that I am aware of my own presence by my consciousness but can't

do anything makes the feeling of isolation much worse.

I admit I was scared at first, scared of what this place or rather, what

kind of ending meant at all. That everything I have done thus far was all for

naught as I ended up in a void of nothingness. Scared of the idea alone that I would spend

an eternity in such a plane of emptiness. The worst part is, I can't

remember anything. I know much of who I am, but I am getting a sense

of misrecollection. I can't remember what happened, nor my old

memories. It is just the present... this ominous dark present.

But as seconds turned into minutes, minutes to hours. I remembered something else. Something dark and sorrowful.

Such a somber feeling of loneliness didn't waver my anxiousness nor lasted that long. Because deep

inside my soul, I knew too well that this is what I had longed for. My

wish to die...

I have always wanted to die. that's something I was certainly sure of...

There is nothing that can be done but to retain my perseverance as much

as I can, waiting patiently for something to occur. Anything really,

anything hopeful, or simply accepting the reality of the situation.

Then, like greased lightning, a white light emerges from nowhere amidst

the darkness, like a dim spark of hope in an otherwise world of utter

darkness.

Any sane person would be thrilled to have such a buoyant feeling.

The white light is nearing my vision. Unconsciously, I raise my obscure

hand to touch the light as much as possible. I can feel my arm is there,

somewhat living, but at the same time, it's not there.

The light is nearing closer, just a few distances away, and it

would be right in front of me.

As it gradually approaches, Not soon enough, I finally make sense of

what I am seeing. It is a gleaming white bird. Flapped its wings

pausingly as if it is staring at me, aware of my ubiquity.

This gave me a sense of relief, for another lost soul knows of my

existence.

For a moment I thought it was all a dream since it was not uncommon

for birds to appear in one’s subconscious while they were indisposed.

Each breed and color carried with it a different meaning

After a while, the bird instantaneously fluttered its wings toward me as

the swelling darkness I was surrounded by was being engulfed by a

blinding white light, consumed by the shimmering bright bird.

Due to the sheer intensity of the light, I instinctively closed my eyes

involuntarily in fear of blindness, a thought that serves little meaning in

relation to where I am. It is more of a human response in this new

reality.

Suddenly, the noise stops.

I open my eyes only to see a white lily rose suspended by its root as it

rises slowly to a more upright position, still shrouded in the same ocean

of darkness.

For some reason, I can only stare at the white lily while feeling calm yet

still worrisome. Fear and uneasiness. Heat and cold.

With an uncharted hunch, I want to hold the lily, protecting it from the

ever-swallowing darkness. Clinging to the last source of hope in this

vacuum of the black world.

"Lily?" I ask myself in my mind, saddened as if I am about to tear up.

Am I reaffirming to myself the type of flower I now hold ever so gently

in my hands, or am I giving it a name? For the life of me, I cannot

answer that question.

Suddenly, my consciousness started to slowly slip away, returning to the

deep sleep I had been in before, only this time, I am in the company of a

blossoming lily rose which I cannot take my eyes off for a mere second.

Thousands of questions cross my mind.

"Where am I? Is this a dream? Is this the afterlife? Am I still alive?"

"I don't know."

"I can't even think properly."

"Is this hell?"

"I don't want to know."

----------------------------------------

"Feria, just hold on! We are almost done!"

"Hold my hand and close your eyes! It will be all over soon!"

I woke up from my deep slumber only to notice that for some reason, I

couldn't open my eyes even with my consciousness still astir.

I could feel that I was surrounded by a restrictive, blackened

environment, prevented from moving any part of my limbs.

Additionally, I felt like I was being drowned, more sluggish in nature to

be exact.

But what confused me, even more, was my sense of a petite

build, as if my whole body had been crushed down, reformed, and changed, which

further burdened the enigma I was in.

What I could make out, however, was a growling, muffled sound in

agony, with additional nebulous utterances in the background. They

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didn't seem as distressed as the other one.

"It's coming! It's going to hurt, Freia, so hold on!"

"Ahhhh... Okay... Okay!"

The sounds started to become clearer now. I could now reason behind

the uproar. The sounds were coming from what seemed like an

agonizing woman named Freia, who was growling and panting harder.

She let out one last excruciating raucous cry as she struggled to resist the

pain.

"Almost there! Almost there!"

Suddenly, like a robe, I was being pulled by two indistinguishable

hands, assuming they were my legs, away from the confining space.

(There is no way... it can't be.) I thought to myself, starting to panic as

things started to become clearer. Finally, I was released and felt a surge

of air swaying against my skin – a cold, eerie, and sinister current.

"It's over, Freia... it's over."

"Ahhhhh... Thank God." The girl, Freia, continued to pant but out ofrelief. "Margaret... what is it?"

"Freia, it's a boy."

"Congratulations, Freia!"

"You have done it!"

"Give me a moment to wash him."

(Am I... reborn?)

As I felt my body being bathed by water while covered by a towel, I still

couldn't open my eyes, but I instinctively cried.

(What is this... there is no way... there is no way! I can't be!) I am...

inside the body of an infant!

The sheer torment I was experiencing, the existential ideologies that I once rejected and ignored, all surged back

from the sea of my former mind like an assaulting army – the endless

horde of fear, suffering, shock and anxiety of being revived from the

grave once again, to yet once more experience a loathsome life filled

with misery, despair, and hardship!

What's more, after all of this game of endurance and diligence, after

what I momentarily thought was my true wish coming to light...

To die...

All are thrown away as if it's some sort of a failed project. All wasted for

naught. All done without purpose or reason.

My whole past life was nothing but a lie.

Everything I have done, every achievement I have made, every act I

have committed, be it good or bad, was all worthless.

Why?

All I could ask myself was why is this happening to me?

I wanted to scream, not out of anger, not out of bitterness, not out of

sorrow, but out of madness, despair, and hopelessness. No... there was

something more... I recalled, yet it seems I have forgotten. Something

far worse...

Oh god..... what is this?!

Whoever is out there, be it God or some greater being, please tell me this

is all fake. "Freia... he is here." "Let me... let me hold him..."

It's not.

(It can't be a reality... IT CAN'T BE!)

Even if it wasn't just myself who experienced this kind of fantasy, why me?!

Why do I remember everything from my past life?! Why not take them

away?! Why do I have to suffer not one world, but two?!

Is this my hell? Or worse?

They say that heaven and hell are places that cannot be described by

simple words, never seen with one's eyes, or touched by mortal hands.

Is this what they meant?

I don't know.

I can't reach an answer.

I can't even think properly.

All I can do is laugh fanatically inside while the infant remains crying

outside.

Am I this child? Or am I just another soul that lives in the body of a

supposed one?

I can't tell anymore.

No... there is no point. There is a chance that I will remember everything

again.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know.

All I know... is the pain. The pain of rebirth, of revisiting the joyfully

horrifying experience of living.

The pain! it's all comic back...

the pain.....

the pain?

Suddenly, I managed to open my eyes, only to be held by my new

mother – a woman with auburn brown hair and brown eyes.

She looked at me, smiling at her firstborn son, her heart content.

I just looked at her in revelation, not knowing how to interpret this

reaction.

How can I tell her that I am not her son? Once an infant is born into this world, they always cling to their

caretaker, their mother.

I didn't, for she isn't my true mother.

She leaned her head against my petite body as she hugged me tightly.

She was crying.

Was it out of sadness or happiness? I couldn't tell. But her tears... were

genuine and filled with emotions...

The sheer pain this woman must have gone through, and the curse she

has been burdened with.

Giving birth to me rather than a normal child.

The horror... the horror... the horror...

What should I do now? I have no idea where to begin, not even the

the slightest hint of purpose to decide.

(I am so... I am so lost...)

For now, all I have is her. My new mother.

I finally managed to stop crying, calming my newly formed body. The

only thing this body can think of is none other than her. Thus, I leaned

closer to her, masking every kind of pain I witnessed as much as I can as I have always done.

"It recognized you, Freia!" one of the maids said excitedly.

I can't see them, but I can tell they must have been really happy...

The mother retracted a bit away as she looked at me, sobbing droplets of

joy.

"Have you thought of a name?" one of the maids asked.

"Yes... Makas..." she said while wiping her tears. "Pape chose this name before he was gone. And Just like him,

who was once a proud knight. Always strive for hope..."

(Hope..... is that really a joke?)

My whole existence. My past life contradicted to the very theme of

hope.

Every tragedy I suffered. Every nightmare I witness. Every pain I felt

and welcomed. All formed who I am now.

Wait... Who am I? Who I was?

Where I was? What happened?

Why I am here?

How did I die? What happened to the others?

I was in... Shibuya... How did I end up here?

Why am I asking pointless questions? What's the point...

I wonder what my father would look like. I wonder what kind of

punishment he has been ordained to give a child like myself.

A knight, whose sworn duty is to fight in the midst of battles of

whatever kind of horror. Instead of being rewarded as a blissful child, he

was destined with a cursed man in a cursed body.

That's right... I am a curse upon this innocent family.

The utter disgust and perpetuity of suffering I have just witnessed are

beyond description and count.

This.... is hell... This is much worse than the void I was trapped in.

Lily... that flower... I want to see it again.

Even though only a few minutes have passed, I feel nothing but pure

hopelessness. Except when I saw Lily. I don't know why, but I want

to see it again, as it's the only thing that has brought me tranquility thus

far.

I wish I could just return to that darkened environment with the Lily.

It's less tormenting than this hell I am stuck with.

"I promise you, Makas. I will give everything to make you happy," Freia

said, tearing up once again. She must have suffered much to reach such a

remorseful moment. "Just as Papa and I promised..."

I am sorry. I am sorry I am not who you think I am. I am sorry I won't

live up to your expectations. I am sorry for becoming a burden to you. I

am sorry for cursing a pure family with such a task. I am sorry for

everything I have done and will do.

I am sorry for my wish is anything of what you desire...

I am sorry, Mother...

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