I have always wondered, until now, about the reason I came to this world—a question that, given someone else's position and if faced with the same circumstances, would drive their mind into insanity, pleasure, satisfaction, curiosity, and despair. That is reincarnation, a topic that had previously fascinated me in a fantasy premise and has challenged many theories and beliefs of different cultures. Some view it as a gift of omniscience, while others see it as a cursed and cruel fate. Finally, there is the accepted doctrine of transmigration and rebirth into a new and better life.
Until now, I haven't found a proper answer to my rebirth. My only perspective on it arises from a gruesome memory and indisputable horror, which led me to damn it as a curse and immerse myself in an eternity of collapse—a despair of never-ending scale that slowly multiplied on my shoulders, akin to a slave confined to carrying a cumbersome bucket of steel and ingot. I was confined to my own existence, trapped, and recollected every second of that fateful end. I nearly drove myself to madness, if it weren't for my mother, who possibly saved me from ending it any time soon.
Freia, a woman who suffered a terrible fate as a fallen priest and a heretic, losing her loved ones to injustice, and then thrown into poverty and further hardship, lived her life like any other. She sought through the darkness as a frail obstacle and smiled regardless as she regained her willpower at every turn, only to be rewarded with me.
For some time, I thought that molding such a child from every mire of her hardship was nothing more than another tumble—a cruel fate tossed aside like the many ill-fated. But that changed. Even with many curses, my mother, Freia, smiled hopefully as always.
It wasn't necessary to tell her who I was. My actions were seen through by many and before her like a transparent veil. It was evident enough that I wasn't like the other children and, evidently enough, I was one of a kind in my mother's words, to which I was extremely opposed at first but grew more accepting and accustomed to this peaceful life.
My mother loved all regardless, cherished me as who I am, not what I am, and gave everything without expecting anything in return—a life, a genuine one, and captivating like paradise itself.
For once, I felt some sense of a serene epoch that, for some reason, I was satisfied with, as if I had suffered a lifetime of misery and weariness to be finally rewarded with this...
I was initially reluctant and unwelcome, indeed, or rather, I felt undeserved and inordinate, more than worth. Therefore, I despised it, but eventually, I gave in. Sooner, I noticed I started to like this life. Perhaps, I may even love her—my mother—a feeling I was truly not acquainted with, or rather, confused about. I was always conflicted with the theme of love.
I asked myself many times what love really means, how someone loves somebody and not another, what distinguishes it from a simple relish like friendship, and what makes it so unique and why everyone seeks after it. Why enmity would cause someone to suffer inadequately if they weren't loved at first moments, and I wondered if I could have it, if I could feel it.
I don't recall loving any specific figure in my past life, whether it was a lost memory or simply didn't happen. I was always genuinely inquisitive about it. I don't know if I wanted it or not, just wanted to experience it, perhaps...
But this life, while it spared me from the grip of the Eldrich ones and robbed my death wish away, offered a second chance—something I never had. Love...
It brought, for once, a semblance of peace—a reason to live. I longed for death for so long, unknowingly absorbed and devoted to it as if it were my religion. I always grew sick from life and existence. It was just one strain after another.
I never loved anyone, not even myself. I didn't even respect myself. I hated living and despised it. I hated life and the people, always looking away. I never had friends or family, only misery and pain. I avoided social activities and similar communal gatherings, always spending time in isolation.
In that loneliness, I only had pain beside me in the dark, cemented like it was part of me to the point I couldn't live without it, as if I had asked for this hell—all in a hopeful desire to seek death, my release from this chained life. And in return, I had her as my mother.
But her smiles, her love, her unmatched affection—I can't turn my eyes away from them. When she smiled, it brought peace. When she asked about my interests and reasons, she listened all the way. When she knew I was in the wrong, she scolded me out of my best. When we went out, we laughed and enjoyed the occasion like it was the last time. When we sat and ate dinner, we felt calm and peaceful. When she was around, I felt safe. When I was away, I felt awful and scared. When she cried, I cried. When her life was in danger, I feared for her and threw myself first.
When I see her, I hear her. I... smiled. Is this... love?
She is my whole reason for enduring another life—the only link drawing me back from insanity, my only escape from that ghastly nightmare that has been haunting me ever since then, and my only reason to smile so honestly... My mother, she is why...
Then why... why did I... do that?
When I fought that smoker, I killed it like I was an animal keen on his hunt. When I heard her tragic tale and didn't shed a tear for her, simply numb to all, as if I were cut off from all perception and feelings.
I just realized, just at that moment, how much of a monster I was—something profound and wholly unrefined. The sudden awareness cut through my soul like a silver dagger enchanted with the darkest of magics, instigating my instincts like a wild animal to its surroundings.
I was cold, heartless as ever, and as spotless as black ooze. I didn't even dare to cry and sympathize.
I just stood there, as dead as ever and as sinister as a demon.
But in that instant, my mind was flooded with torturous visions of all that had led me to this abysmal state—a tormenting twisting fate that burdened my mind with the unbearable knowledge that, now as ever, I was powerless to escape my terrible destiny.
The voices of the past haunted me still, not only of that frivolous end but of unpleasant memories that ripped my soul from impurity and innocence—echoes and screams of hatred, tears of heartbreak and betrayal, familiar faces filled with distrust and anguish.
Who I truly was before, I kept asking myself all this time, but never managed to recall and therefore chose to live in ignorance—until now.
It seems my answer is finally here, and it's repeating all over again.
The stirs of joy and suffering of others mimicked the eternal and unchanging revolutions of the wheel of fate, binding each and every single being in existence to a single immutable path. While most of the wretched souls tied to that abominable wheel were blissfully unaware of their existential imprisonment, I was not so fortunate. I was shackled with the burden of knowledge, and it was all I could do to keep what remained of my spirit from falling into total despair.
This is my penance.
I am aware of all that, and yet, I chose something rather than nothing.
I can't look past the past just like that. I can't shed my concerns away like how I tried with the Eldrich ones. It's just impossible!
Did I come here to serve my penance or to live in remuneration after a lifetime of uncertainty?
Who... Who am I?
Am I Makas? Or... or...
----------------------------------------
The winter storm had finally arrived, and our journey became even more arduous as we trudged through the frozen hurricane of frigid mist.
I had assumed we were going to encounter the storm eventually, around the middle of the third month of our travel. But apparently, it arrived earlier than I thought, which made the whole trip even more troublesome than I had imagined.
It took us a week and a half to leave the mirrored forest. During that time, we encountered hollowed ones along the way, roaming randomly around the plain as we tried to escape the mirrored forest. This only made the journey much longer, and without a map, it was almost impossible to leave the forest. Alas, we managed to do so in the end.
But the storm had already begun by the time we left the forest, and it only gradually grew worse from there.
I am not much of a weatherman, but I can guarantee the snowstorm, if graded, would be at least between moderate and major. In either case, it is definitely a challenge for those with little preparation, such as ourselves.
When we infiltrated the last village, we didn't manage to restock properly due to the horde attack. We were left with only the bare supplies we originally had, which were already running low.
Even our hunting became less accessible since this is the time when the animals start hibernating. Birds were almost never seen during the storm due to the strength and coldness of the current.
After we reached beyond the hills of Ferbiand Shore, we spotted another one of the western ground villages just southwest of our position. Unfortunately, it was overrun by hollowed ones, and the houses were already heavily covered by snow. This, along with the lack of fire to light up the area, made it impossible to raid through. So, we simply believed it would be best to avoid it for the time being.
In addition, the shore was as empty as shadow, with only the same grey thick fog that left the impression of Hollowed Ones' presence. The worst part was that we couldn't see any Hollowed ones past the sea. It was as if they weren't there or were hiding in plain sight, waiting for prey to strike.
I was hoping we could find some church forces on the shore, as there was a stronghold, Mortham Fort, to the east and south of the dreadful forest. But as I had imagined, none were there.
In short... we weren't going to last much longer. Two months into our runaway adventure, and we had yet to see any sign of life.
We hoped to see anyone, whether surviving villagers or Republic soldiers, but our luck ran dry. We were all alone and stranded amidst a snowy blizzard storm.
Because of the heavy storm, there were times when we had to halt our travel under pine trees, stone arches, and small caves, waiting for the storm to calm down before we could set off again.
This story has been taken without authorization. Report any sightings.
This had been happening for almost a month, and the signs of malnutrition were beginning to show on our skin. Our food supply slowly dwindled until there was nothing left but water and tree resin as a source of nutrition. Not exactly a survival strategy, you might say.
What kept us alive all this while was my mom's healing ability. It would revive our energy for a short period while maintaining our body temperature. However, this wasn't without consequences. While it saved us from freezing, it drained my mom's mana essence progressively, which, in other words, was draining her life essence.
It wouldn't kill her, but it would weaken her body to the point where she wouldn't be able to walk or perform basic movements anymore—essentially becoming disabled unless her mana was recovered.
Many times, she tried to heal me intentionally while I was asleep, which I wholeheartedly rejected and detested. The last thing I ever wanted was for someone to sacrifice themselves for me. She wasn't sacrificing herself for me; rather, she was doing it for her son.
We set up camp under a claw-shaped stone arch during the freezing storm and rested until the current calmed down a bit.
Besides the chilling cold, I could feel a warm presence behind my back. It didn't feel like my mother was hugging me. It was...
"Mom! Stop!" I got up quickly, only to find her in an already weakened state casting Heal against my back.
"Makas... but you look..."
"So what if I look tired? It doesn't mean you have to sacrifice yourself just for my sake!" I shouted in anger unintentionally, realizing what I had just done. I saw my mom's sorrowful face filled with fatigue and misery.
All she wanted was to save her child, a natural instinct for any caring mother. And like a rebellious, juvenile kid, I had pushed her away.
"I am... I am sorry, Mom... I didn't mean to shout..."
"It's okay, Makas... you are also worried about me..." She must have realized how selfish she was being, but it's not like she wanted to be. She is a mother, after all. It's in her nature.
"But please, Mom, if you keep doing this, it will drain you completely, and nothing good will come out of this..." I looked at my mom like a child begging his mother to buy sweets, imploring her not to waste her life so easily. "So please, stop what you are doing and take care of yourself. I will be fine, okay?"
She looked as if she was about to cry, heartbroken by the rejection of saving her son from a dire end. Too afraid to lose her son amidst the cold winter.
I couldn't tell from her eyes; she was about to break down.
"I... (Sobbing)... will try..."
I quickly hugged her, providing as much comfort and warmth as I could in the murky world we were both in now.
(I have to keep her safe... I have to save her... or else...)
----------------------------------------
"Mom!... Ah!... Are you holding up?"
"Yeah!... Ek... Yeah, I am!"
Just as we left the alpine grounds, we reached an inhospitable wasteland filled with hills, rocks, cliffs, and dried-up trees. All covered in white snow as we pushed forward against a heavy snowstorm.
The snowstorm was unexpected. Usually, they last a day or two and take another day to recover. This time, however, it came much quicker than we had foreseen. It started as we were marching.
The cold current coated our skin and drifted in all directions. It was relentless, like a stubborn child, driving us away from our goal and obscuring our vision in a pure powder snow tornado.
The air's undertone resembled a hunting spirit, intimidating us to turn back. The howling of wolves in the distance, desperate for prey or shelter, was terrifying to hear.
It was too cold, almost unbearable, even with the heavy wool we wore. I could feel the biting cold running from my cheeks to my legs. Walking slowly on the stiff snow-filled our shoes with cold water, making it even worse.
(We need to find a place to rest, or we won't make it out alive!)
I could hear my mother's deep breathing behind me as I took the front lines to lead the way. I held her hand steadily, but I was feeling progressively lethargic.
Amidst the thick mist, I stopped for a second and noticed faint orange lights in the distance.
Even with my obscured vision, I knew what lay ahead. It was one of the towers of Gumtar Fort itself.
"Hah! Mom! We're almost there," I called out confidently while panting, hoping this would motivate her to walk a little further. "Just a little bit more, Mom, and we're going to make it!... Mom?"
I turned back in distress, not hearing a sound from her.
She was just standing there, not making a sound but continuing to breathe heavily, swaying back and forth.
"Mom! Are you-"
Her arm detached from mine, and she fell onto the firm ground.
"MOM!"
I shouted in panic as I quickly turned her around, only to see her face as pale as the surrounding snow. Her skin was cold as ice itself.
She was hypothermic. She was going to die.
"GODDAMMIT! MOM, STAY WITH ME!"
I opened the bag and started to look for anything that would keep her alive, anything that would raise her temperature.
(How?! How did this happen?! When we left, she was perfectly fine! We both were! Was the cold too strong for her?! I was breathing heavily as well then, I was recovering...)
Hit with the sudden realization, she must have used a healing spell while I held her arm earlier, giving me enough energy to move forward.
(How did I not see this through?!)
"DAMMIT! GOD DAMMIT! WHY?!"
I started cursing at myself for my own ignorance, my own incompetence, my own failure at preparation.
I was cursing at my own weakness.
There was almost nothing I could do to help her, not even the matchbox could save her in this windstorm.
I threw away the bag and started to rub my hands as fast as I could to heat them up and warm her.
Her skin was so cold that my tepid hands barely warmed her as she continued to breathe in pain.
It was practically useless. My hands didn't reach her, yet I continued to try over and over and over and over...
Despair and recklessness took over me. I pulled from my pocket none other than the elemental crystal and said futilely,
"PLEASE!! SHOW ME ANYTHING!! I AM BEGGING YOU!! PLEASE!!"
My shouts were as loud as the howling of the wolves, screams of madness and misery reaching out to the world in the hope of finding anything that would save her from this cold ending.
I was becoming much like that captain in the diary, losing myself slowly, falling back into my former despair, being buried under a pile of sorrow, all for that one wish to be granted: to save my mother.
"Please... please..."
I started sobbing, in the longest period I could remember, I cried. Not out of sadness, but out of hopelessness.
"The lady in the white coat... where is she... Pleas-"
"Makas..."
I finally heard my mother's barely audible words escape her fragile lips.
"Mom! Don't worry, I will get you out of here! Just-"
"Makas..."
She held out her hand and rubbed my cheeks, her smile as weak as her voice,
"Makas... you need... to find your way... on your..."
"NO MOM! NO! WE WILL FIND IT TOGETHER! I PROMISE!"
Her voice was cut off by her weakened breathing with each word.
"Makas... Sweetie... I am not... going to make it..."
"What are you saying, Mom?!"
I acted frantically, smiling, thinking her sentence must be sarcastic. I knew she wasn't, yet I reacted regardless. I was, after all, losing my mind.
That was the last time I smiled.
"You... you said I am part of your life... as long as I am here... you will be okay... right, Mom?... Mom!"
"You are still... Makas..."
She took off her hand from my cheeks and pulled her necklace from her neck.
She was handing it to me.
"You have given a wonderful life, Makas... and I will always be grateful for you being a part of it... everything you did so far did nothing but make me happy... and feel proud..."
"Mom... please stop... (Sobbing)..."
"You are so strong... but also weak... smart... but also, stupid..." She gave a small, weak smirk. "But that's nothing to be ashamed of... because you are... who you are..."
"Mom........."
"Makas... you need to go on... and find yourself out there... and live... your life."
"I CAN'T!! I CAN'T, MOM!!!........... I... I NEED YOU......"
"And I will always... be beside you... here..."
She frigidly held my hand up and handed me the necklace.
"Mama isn't going anywhere, sweetie... she will always be beside you... like papa always had..."
"Mom........ mom!................"
My tears started to stream down my face, like a river, riving tingling against her face like raindrops...
"Live your life... to the... and... make friends... companionsh-... laugh and... dance to your... heart..."
(Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!... PLEASE DON'T DIE ON ME!!!)
"And... be kind to others... there are good people... in this world... who will... be on your side..."
"Mom...... I......."
"And I am sorry..."
She started tearing up.
"I am sorry... I won't see you... for a while..."
"Don't... leave me, Mom......"
I buried my head against her body, overflowing with tears of regret and grief. I started crying, crying like a child who lost his favorite toy...
I buried my head against her body, overflowing with tears of regret and grief. I started crying, crying like a child who lost his favorite toy....
But I wasn't a child...... and I certainly lost a toy......
I was going to lose my only reason of keeping alive all this while...... I …... wasted her life away.........
“Promise me...... Makas... that you find your way........”
“I can't..... I CAN'T!!!”
“You can...... honey you can.......”
I don’t have a reason to live now! I have a death wish! I don’t have a purpose for myself...... I..... I.......
“I....... I promise.......”
“Thank you...... Makas......”
I kept on crying, tearing, sobbing, mourning, sorrowing......
“Remember Makas..... when the walls come.... tumbling down.... and you lose everything...... you have......... you always have.... family......”
“Mama........”
“I am going...... to see papa soon......... I will give him.... your hello’s....”
She closed her eyes, awaiting her imminent end under this cold winter storm....
“I..... love.... you......Mak.......”
Then...... she slept quietly......she aerated her breath... she dropped her arm against the snow......for one last time......
She was dead........
“Mama.......?”
I stopped crying as I stood there motionless, unresponsive, emotionless. Just stood there looking at her lifeless body.
That was the last time I cried.
(She is dead...... She is dead...... She is dead...... She is dead...... She is dead...... She is dead...... She is dead...... She is dead...... She is dead...... She is dead...... She is dead...... She is dead...... She is dead...... She is dead...... She is dead...... She is dead...... She is dead...... She is dead...... She is dead...... She is dead...... She is dead...... She is dead...... She is dead......)
I clutched my teeth, and held out my hands around my head. Then screamed like a madman. all the screams I have bottled up all this time as loud as I can could have;
That was the last time I shouted in agony.
I Have no reason to live now........ I want to die..........
[https://yourimageshare.com/ib/t1kEiQS9A7.webp]
----------------------------------------
[https://drive.google.com/file/d/1aZvuuc9e5pSRcbA8CSSq3UN8cvDEtBL4/view?usp=sharing]
Amidst the desolate snowstorm that stung and froze all that was alive or not, the storm cloaked all sightseeing, leaving only a whirlwind of ice to color the world. The storm knew no friend or foe, only those who dared to challenge the hellish frozen scape that ravaged the lands in deathly crispness. Those who failed became nothing more than leaves in the snow.
Except for creatures whose blood was as cold as the snow itself, heartless and chilling like the weather. But also, creatures who did not bow before the laws of this world. Such as the hollowed ones, the Eldrich ones, and a few others as well.
"It seems... I am late..." The lady in the white coat spoke indifferently yet hinted at some sorrow beneath her stoic demeanor.
She knelt down as she touched Freia's cold body, only to find her lifeless with her last tears shed and frozen.
Freia took a heavy sigh as she closed her eyes and concealed her face with a garb of her own design. Her last smile remained a token of this world for her son, and the last memory he would have of her. Their final moments spent in joy, worry, and adventure, a time that could never be repaid, not even a thousandfold, yet it was a time that would never be forgotten.
"You fought well, Freia... now you may rest in the heavens."
Then, the lady in the white coat turned her gaze to Makas's body, which appeared as lifeless as the sky.
But as she examined him, a sudden hint of life emitted from his cold, shivering body. Like his mother, his tears had dropped and hardened. It might have been the only time he had ever cried, and it could very well be his last.
Broken, lost, abandoned, and hopeless, Makas was left with only his curse to ponder and the remnants of his dying soul.
Yet the lady in the white coat sighed with relief and said; "It's going to be okay," as she snapped her fingers, conjuring a small fire, and then leaned Makas's cold body closer to the warmth. "Life has been and will always be unfair to us all, but especially to you. Being forced to live like this, enduring a thousand screams of a thousand lives alone, is a sin that must never be repented alone."
After some time, Makas's body began to grow a little warmer, if only for a short time before the cold bit again.
"That's why you must hold on a little longer," the lady in the white coat spoke calmly as she held up Umbra, carrying him. "Because if fate has chosen you and not another to bring about change, I only hope you will bring salvation to the ethereal nightmare that has shaken the very pillars of this world and the worlds before it. To rekindle the ashes of old flames, embers must become fire once again, and the shadows must rise as well. Otherwise, the flames will consume everything, as they did eons ago."
"In all that remains of my power," the lady in the white coat continued, "I will make this right and restore balance and the time stream. Just as it was before the fall. I have made so many mistakes and fallen into fate's grasp too many times, only for it to win the game. But mark my words, I will not lose you. Whether fate demands it or not, I will not allow it to take the throne again. I just hope that you do too, that you see this through."