Chapter 34 - The tests of the Ryuchi Cave

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If you aren’t lucky enough to have the blood of the immortal Senju clan coursing through your veins, don’t fret—there’s still hope for you! Your next best bet for unraveling the mysteries of immortality is to embark on an epic journey to the three legendary sacred sites scattered across the ninja world.

Each location is as mystical as it is strange, and if the promise of eternal life doesn’t lure you in, the sheer eccentricity of the residents will.

Mount Myoboku: The Mystic Amphibian Wonderland

First up is Mount Myoboku, a place that feels like visiting your quirky uncle who’s convinced he can read your future with a pack of old trading cards and a half-eaten bowl of ramen. The inhabitants here are no ordinary toads. Oh no, these are mystic creatures brimming with ancient wisdom and the occasional cryptic prophecy, delivered with all the drama of a stage magician.

Take Jiraiya, for example—Mount Myoboku’s unofficial hype man and eternal optimist. The man practically grew up here and has spent his entire life training protégés he’s absolutely certain will be the saviors of the ninja world. Every time he takes on a new student, he beams with the unshakeable confidence of someone who’s just bought a winning lottery ticket. Rinnegan-wielding Nagato?

Yeah, that didn’t work out. Minato, the Thunder God? Oops, gone too soon. But does Jiraiya get discouraged? Absolutely not! He’s probably got a clipboard somewhere, full of names, just waiting to pencil in the next “Chosen One.”

The toads themselves are all about destiny, but they have the sort of laid-back vibe of creatures who’ve been around long enough to know that fate is a fickle thing. Between their oddball prophecies, they’re likely chilling out on lilypads, sipping tea, and telling Jiraiya, “Maybe the next one, bud.”

Wet Bone Forest: The Snail Spa

Next, we hop over to the Wet Bone Forest, a place where the pace of life slows down—way down. The forest is home to the coolest, most unflappable snails you’ll ever meet. If these snails had a motto, it’d be something like “Don’t rush the healing process; nature takes its time.” They’re like the laid-back, wise grandpas of the animal world, always brewing up herbal potions that smell suspiciously like pond scum but promise miraculous cures.

You can almost imagine one of these snails, probably with a monocle and a tiny snail-sized tea set. The forest itself feels like a natural spa—damp, serene, and a little too quiet. It’s the kind of place you’d expect to find a snail reclining on a bed of moss, giving you life advice between sips of chamomile tea.

Ryuchi Cave: The Snake-Filled Game Show

And then there’s Ryuchi Cave, the final stop on our mystical tour, a place that’s one part ancient mystery and two parts fever dream. Very few ninja dare to sign a contract with the serpentine residents here, and who could blame them?

These aren’t the cute, harmless earthworms from your garden. No, these are the kind of snakes that show up in your nightmares—or worse, in your bed when you’re not expecting company.

When Kakashi and Mi Blade arrived at the gates of Ryuchi Cave, they were greeted by a sight that was equal parts awe-inspiring and unnerving. A towering gate loomed ahead, its ornate pavilions covered in delicate bamboo paintings.

But the real surprise came when a group of impossibly beautiful young women appeared, waving like contestants on a surreal game show. “Congratulations, contestants! You’ve made it to the next round!” they cheered, their enthusiasm more infectious than a snakebite.

As Kakashi and Mi Blade stepped further in, they were immediately surrounded by a lively throng of boa constrictors and vipers, their tongues flicking in and out with the practiced grace of dancers in a horror-themed ballet.

“Welcome to our humble abode! Prepare to be our evening snack!” the snakes seemed to hiss, with a kind of elegant menace that could only be found at an underground, snake-themed nightclub.

At the entrance, a radiant woman stood beaming at them, her smile as dazzling as the lights at a game show finale.

“Welcome, Hatake Kakashi and Hatake Mi Blade, to Ryuchi Cave!” she announced with the same energy one might use to introduce the final contestants on Ninja World’s Got Talent.

“You’ve truly earned your place here!” Her excitement was palpable—so much so that Kakashi couldn’t help but mutter under his breath, “I didn’t sign up for a snake gala.”

Mi Blade, meanwhile, was preoccupied with a more pressing concern—how exactly were they going to survive this bizarre snake-filled adventure, and did they really want to find out?

As Kakashi stood back, his lone eye scanning the bizarre surroundings with the bewildered curiosity of a tourist stumbling through a particularly eccentric theme park, Mi Blade was already diving headfirst into the action.

His youthful energy practically radiated off him as he bounced forward, eyes gleaming with excitement. If there were new friends to be made in this snake-filled wonderland, Mi Blade was determined to meet them.

“Hey there!” he called out, waving enthusiastically to the radiant woman standing before them.

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“What’s your name, sister?”

The woman’s face lit up with the kind of warmth usually reserved for surprise sunny days after a week of rain. Her smile, bright and unwavering, had the comforting effect of an unexpected ice cream delivery on a gloomy day.

“I’m Tenshin Shinki, and I was sent by the White Snake Sage herself to greet you two!” Her voice had the sparkle of someone who genuinely enjoyed her job, which, given the circumstances, felt both reassuring and slightly surreal.

Mi Blade returned the grin, feeling a strange but instant camaraderie with their cheerful guide.

“Awesome! So, what’s first on the agenda? Should we dodge the snake buffet or jump straight in the test?” His eyes sparkled with the kind of mischief that often preceded a spontaneous adventure.

Tenshin laughed, a light, melodic sound that could probably charm the crankiest of elders.

“Oh, you’ll want to stick around for what the White Snake Sage has planned—it’s going to be quite the adventure!”

Mi Blade turned to Kakashi, who was still absorbing the strange environment with the calm detachment of someone too tired to be surprised anymore.

“Hey, Kakashi,” Mi Blade began, leaning in as though about to share a profound secret, “I’ve got a serious question for you.”

Tenshin, her smile unwavering, tilted her head like a curious cat.

“If you’ve got questions, let’s discuss them over food! We’ve prepared a feast just for you two.”

“Sounds great!” Mi Blade chirped, already imagining the spread.

“But can we eat while debating the big questions? Like... If you expect the unexpected, doesn’t that make the unexpected the expected??” He adopted an exaggerated look of deep contemplation, as though wrestling with one of life’s most profound mysteries.

Tenshin giggled, her laughter soft and genuine, and motioned for them to follow.

“Come on! Let’s see if we can solve that riddle over dinner.” She led them deeper into Ryuchi Cave, her movements as graceful as if she were floating, guiding them through an atmosphere that seemed to grow more surreal with every step.

The trio soon arrived at a massive banquet hall that could’ve rivaled the grandest palaces. The table before them was piled high with dishes so luxurious and abundant, it seemed less like a meal and more like a culinary fantasy.

Everything from perfectly arranged sushi platters to steaming bowls of exotic soups lay in wait, daring them to indulge. The banquet had the over-the-top decadence of a ninja’s ultimate buffet, as though someone had said, “Give me everything—and make it fancy.”

Kakashi, ever composed, sat down at the table, eyeing the food with the mild suspicion of someone who’d been in enough traps to know that free meals often came with hidden strings.

Mi Blade, however, hesitated, his chopsticks hovering mid-air as though frozen in indecision. The sheer variety and extravagance of the feast left both of them momentarily stunned, like deer caught in the headlights of an approaching food truck.

After a brief silence, Kakashi cleared his throat, attempting to ease the awkwardness.

“So, Sister Shinki,” he began, glancing at Tenshin, “any idea where our teacher Orochimaru is? You know, the guy who can summon giant snakes at will and probably has a secret lair tucked away somewhere around here?”

Tenshin’s face brightened even further—if that were possible—as she clapped her hands together.

“Oh! Lord Orochimaru is waiting for you deeper inside Ryuchi Cave! After you enjoy the feast, you can meet him and the White Snake Sage in person.”

Kakashi arched an eyebrow, skepticism creeping into his usually stoic expression.

“Great. So, let me guess—he’s too busy plotting to join us for dinner?”

With a wave of her hand, Tenshin dismissed the notion with a lighthearted laugh, her smile never faltering.

“Oh no, he’s far too preoccupied with his... more dramatic pursuits. World domination, snake summoning rituals, the usual. Dinner just doesn’t fit into his grand plans.”

Mi Blade snorted, shaking his head with a knowing grin.

“Classic Orochimaru,” he muttered, as if this were the most typical thing for their infamous mentor.

Mi Blade and Kakashi exchanged wary glances, their well-honed ninja instincts flaring up as if they'd stumbled into a particularly well-disguised trap.

The banquet before them was undeniably inviting, but neither of them was willing to fall for it—not yet, anyway. They could almost hear the voice of caution whispering in their ears:

"Don’t trust the food. The sushi looks suspiciously too good to be true."

Mi Blade squinted at the spread, his mind racing as he tried to work out the possible tricks hidden in the sumptuous dishes.

“Is this... a test?” he murmured, half to himself.

“Are we being judged on our ability to resist the world’s most irresistible ramen and sushi? I mean, who in their right mind would say no to this?” He tapped his chin thoughtfully, the situation reminding him of some cryptic autumn festival trial where ninjas were evaluated on how long they could resist seasonal treats.

Unable to hold back his inner goofball, Mi Blade turned to their hostess with a mischievous grin.

“Sister Shinki, I have to ask—are you actually a snake? Do you ever leave this cave, or are you too busy watching over the world's most exotic buffet? And what about love? Have you had the chance to fall for some dramatic romance, or is being a snake goddess too much of a full-time job?”

Tenshin Shinki giggled at his questions, her smile warm and unwavering, as though she found his skepticism amusing rather than offensive. She gestured to the women surrounding them, each with the poised elegance of a game show assistant ready to unveil the next big prize.

“We’re all snake maidens here in Ryuchi Cave,” she declared with theatrical flair. “As for the outside world—too bright, too many weird people. I’m much happier down here. And love? Oh no, I’m a mother! My kids are all grown now.”

She waved her hands toward the table, eyes gleaming. “Now, you’d better eat up before this feast gets cold!”

Kakashi raised his hands in an almost comical defensive gesture.

“Oh, we’re fine! Totally not hungry. We’re just, uh, practicing ninja patience.” His forced grin only half-concealed the alarm growing in his eyes. The last thing he wanted was to dive into a meal that could potentially have more strings attached than one of Orochimaru’s infamous plans.

Tenshin, undeterred, lifted a glass like a celebratory toast, her enthusiasm boundless.

“Well, if you won’t eat, at least join me in a drink!”

Kakashi’s eyes widened in what could only be described as polite horror.

“Ah, sorry, Sister Shinki! We’re, uh, not adults. Grape juice would be fine, though?” he added, hoping that the mere mention of something innocent would defuse the situation. In his mind, the image of sipping grape juice while avoiding snake-infested ramen felt like the safest option.

Mi Blade nodded enthusiastically beside him, as if sharing in this bizarre hope for grape juice, while the looming threat of snake-themed hors d'oeuvres hovered in the air like a menacing fog.

Tenshin’s patience finally started to fray, her smile twitching at the edges.

“Then just eat,” she snapped, waving at the snake maidens who immediately descended upon the table, balancing plates with the precision of acrobats.

Mi Blade, meanwhile, sat with his chopsticks poised, though frozen in place as if they were a pair of malfunctioning swords. His eyes darted toward Tenshin with a mixture of confusion and faux seriousness.

"Sister Shinki,” he asked, voice dropping to a mock-conspiratorial tone, “is this food... serious? Like ‘I’m about to regret all my life choices’ serious?”

Tenshin blinked, taken aback, her radiant smile flickering slightly. “Serious? What do you mean?”

Leaning in closer as though about to reveal some deep secret, Mi Blade continued, “Well, when we got here, Lord Orochimaru told us we’d need to pass the Ryuchi Cave test to sign a psychic contract with the snakes. So, naturally, I’m expecting some kind of challenge. But instead, we find ourselves at this buffet! Is this food the test? Are we supposed to resist temptation? Because I’ll tell you right now, I’m terrible at dares.”

Tenshin’s smile dimmed a little, her confidence momentarily shaken. “Um... maybe?”

With a dramatic flair, Mi Blade jumped up, hands flailing in mock panic. “No way! This has to be part of the test! They want to see if we can withstand the allure of gourmet snake sashimi, don’t they? What’s next, truth or dare with Lord Orochimaru?” His exaggerated gestures had Kakashi covering his face, trying—and failing—to stifle a laugh.

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Deep within the labyrinth of Ryuchi Cave, the White Snake Immortal was watching the entire spectacle unfold, an expression of both amusement and mild exasperation etched across his face.

Next to him stood Orochimaru, arms crossed and a sly grin plastered across his face as though he were watching the best episode of his favorite reality TV show.

“Well, well, the first level of the Ryuchi Cave test. Food, wine, and beauty... the ultimate ninja temptation,” the White Snake Immortal mused, his robes swishing with a bit too much dramatic flair as he adjusted them, trying to look regal despite the absurdity of the situation.

“So many have fallen here. Some never leave, content to open snack bars instead of unlocking immortality. I wonder if these two will pass. After all, how can anyone resist when the ramen looks that good?”

Orochimaru, barely holding back a chuckle, watched as Mi Blade and Kakashi hesitated over the food like contestants on a cooking show, torn between devouring the spread and surviving the test.

“Look at them. They’re doing... surprisingly well,” he muttered, though the grin on his face suggested he found their internal struggle deeply entertaining.