Chapter 33 - The tests of the Ryuchi Cave

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“Lord Orochimaru, where have you been for the past six months? Did you finally figure out how to create a snake that can do my taxes?” Mi Blade asked, a playful grin tugging at the corners of his mouth.

Orochimaru had vanished for what felt like an eternity, and while Mi Blade had imagined the legendary Sannin was off conducting serious scientific research, it turned out he was just off gallivanting.

“I went to a village and found a very interesting place,” Orochimaru replied, a sly smile creeping across his face, as if he had just stumbled upon the hidden gem of ramen shops.

“Interesting? Did you finally master the art of making that snake-shaped cake you keep rambling about?” Mi Blade quipped, crossing his arms and raising an amused eyebrow, a playful challenge in his gaze.

But no, it turned out Orochimaru had been spending his time at Ryuchi Cave, one of the three holy sanctuaries where great sages gathered to hone their abilities.

You know, just chilling with a bunch of snakes, perfecting his best snake impressions. Because while everyone else was busy learning how to summon toads or slugs, Orochimaru was all about embracing his serpentine side.

Meanwhile, Sakumo Hagi was buried under a mountain of scrolls, immersed in the intricacies of ninjutsu as if it were the latest issue of a thrilling comic book.

But Orochimaru? Nah, he was too cool for that.

For six long months, he had plunged headfirst into mastering the immortal arts, which, as it turned out, were more challenging to grasp than convincing a cat to take a bath.

When he returned to the village after half a year of fervent study, he had made about as much progress as a snail on a treadmill—slow and seemingly futile.

“Great news, everyone! I’m back and ready to teach you the most dangerous ninjutsu!” Orochimaru declared, his eyes gleaming with enthusiasm as he seized Mi Blade and Kakashi by the wrists, dragging them to the training field like reluctant minions summoned for some dark purpose.

“We’re going to summon the fiercest psychic beasts!”

“Wait, psychic beasts? You mean those giant snakes?” Kakashi raised an eyebrow, already imagining the inevitable chaos that would surely follow.

“Exactly! But hopefully with fewer bites this time,” Orochimaru replied, rubbing his hands together with the gleeful intensity of a cartoon villain plotting his next elaborate scheme.

“Fewer bites? Is that a promise or a threat?” Mi Blade asked, casting a wary glance at Orochimaru, half-expecting him to pull out a contract detailing the exact amount of chaos they were about to unleash, complete with fine print.

With Orochimaru back in action, the village braced itself for a whirlwind of wild lessons—and possibly a few emergency medical visits if those psychic beasts didn’t get their manners straight. But hey, at least it wouldn’t be boring! And that was a guarantee.

Since the tragic death of his first student, Senju Nawaki, Orochimaru had been wandering aimlessly for three long years, resembling a ninja who’d misplaced his wallet in a bustling market.

Yet, don’t be fooled by his aimless appearance—he wasn’t wandering for the sake of drama. No, he was on a personal mission, like a supervillain-turned-hero on a quest to retrieve something precious… perhaps his lost socks or maybe even his long-lost dignity. Whatever it was, it was deeply personal.

“If Nawaki had possessed a giant psychic beast—perhaps a massive snake to help him on the battlefield—maybe he wouldn’t have, y’know, bitten the dust so tragically,” Orochimaru mused one day, his gaze distant as he stared off into the horizon.

“And if I’d mastered my Eternal Rebirth technique, I could have passed it on to him! He’d have infinite lives! Who wouldn’t want that? It’s like being trapped in a video game, but with cheat codes at your disposal!”

In truth, Orochimaru was thoroughly over the sad looks and pity parties that surrounded him.

“I don’t need your sympathy, thank you very much!” he yelled at the sky, arms thrown wide in dramatic frustration, as if the universe itself were being unfair to a genius like him.

Then, as if fate—or perhaps a particularly persuasive snake—decided to smile upon him, Orochimaru stumbled upon not one, but two brilliant potential disciples!

“Perfect!” he thought, rubbing his hands together with glee, much like a classic supervillain plotting a grand scheme.

“I might not be able to transform them into the strongest ninjas in the world, but I can certainly make them immortal! That way, they won’t go dying on me when I need them the most. Genius!”

With his typical flamboyance, Orochimaru strutted onto the training grounds in Konoha, exuding the swagger of a man who clearly had an abundance of monologues prepared.

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He halted in front of his new disciples, arms spread wide, as if about to deliver the performance of a lifetime.

“Alright, listen up, young grasshoppers! What is life?” He turned dramatically, expecting applause from the trees and animals that surrounded them.

“Your previous answers? Trash. Forget them. My answer? Life is like… a buffet! It’s brief, beautiful, and ultimately, who cares?”

His disciples blinked in bewilderment, confusion etched on their faces, but Orochimaru was just getting started. Oh no, the spotlight was firmly on him, and he would not be denied.

“What I really want is IMMORTALITY!” he proclaimed, spinning around theatrically like a Broadway star in the middle of a show-stopping number.

“A short life? Not for me! Even if I were to live the best life possible, I refuse to stick around just to watch my loved ones wither away. And I certainly don’t want them witnessing my own demise! That’s just—ugh—so inconvenient!”

With a dramatic flourish, he struck a pose, fully expecting a standing ovation from the nearby trees, the birds perched overhead, and perhaps even his bewildered disciples. Because in Orochimaru’s world, life was only worth living if it never, ever came to an end.

Orochimaru took a deep breath, stretching his arms wide as if he were about to impart some profound life-altering wisdom upon his eager disciples.

“So, here’s the deal, kiddos,” he began, his voice infused with a theatrical flair.

“I’m off on my little side quest—you know, to figure out the secret to living forever. While I’m out there defying the very laws of nature, I might not have time to show you any flashy jutsu, but fear not! I’ll be passing down all my secrets to you. You just have to absorb them like a sponge—or maybe like a really stuffed taco. Your choice!”

Kakashi and Mi Blade exchanged wide-eyed glances, excitement radiating from them like the midday sun.

“Wow, he’s really dedicated!” Kakashi thought, a wave of admiration washing over him. Meanwhile, Mi Blade couldn’t shake the image of a twelve-year-old Orochimaru, plotting the downfall of Konoha while practicing his sinister laugh in front of a mirror.

“Hold up,” Mi Blade pondered, scratching his head.

“Is this what that handsome, slightly creepy kid was really up to? Plotting the village’s destruction while handing out psychic scrolls like they’re part of some ninja summer camp?”

“Yup, that checks out,” he concluded, nodding to himself.

“Ambitious, borderline unhinged, and just a tad out of touch. But hey, at least he’s committed to his job!”

With a dramatic flourish, Orochimaru produced two psychic scrolls as if he were a magician revealing doves from his sleeves.

“Alright, buckle up! Today’s lesson is on the psychic arts!”

He waved his hands dramatically, like a game show host revealing the grand prize.

“There are three ancient sacred sites in the Ninja World! At Mount Myoboku, you’ll find the laid-back toads. In the Wet Bone Forest? Snails! Yes, snails! Real exciting, right? And in Ryuchi Cave? A whole snake family, probably fighting over the last mouse!”

Mi Blade blinked in surprise.

“Did he just… roast a family of snakes?”

Before either of them could voice their questions, Orochimaru was already making elaborate hand signs, his movements resembling someone preparing to summon a five-course dinner rather than a snake.

“Hai—Xu—Kamu—Shen—Wei!”

he chanted exuberantly, biting his thumb for dramatic effect.

And BOOM! In a spectacular puff of smoke, a colossal, poisonous snake emerged, dominating the training field as if it had just crashed an extravagant party.

The creature shimmered in the sunlight, its scales glistening like a disco ball at a dance-off.

Kakashi and Mi Blade stood there, jaws nearly scraping the ground. The snake’s beady eyes darted toward them, seemingly deciding which one would make a better appetizer.

Kakashi, ever the optimist, managed to utter,

“Wow! What a magnificent snake!” momentarily forgetting the very real possibility that they might become snake snacks in the next five minutes.

Mi Blade, however, had a singular thought: “This is exactly why I stick to milk tea. Less risk of getting eaten.”

The enormous serpent slithered closer, its gaze fixed on Kakashi and Mi Blade like they were undercooked appetizers on a gourmet platter.

“So… where are my hundred sacrifices? You didn’t summon me here just for show, did you?”

Kakashi blinked, his face contorting in disbelief.

“Wait… hold up. You’re telling me these sacred, psychic creatures demand… a BBQ buffet? I thought they were mystical beings, not caterers at a reptilian family reunion!”

Orochimaru, unfazed by the snake’s demands, shrugged casually. “Eh, maybe they’re running low on gourmet rodents in the Sacred Land. I suppose we’ll have to whip up some fancy rat platters for His Majesty here.”

Mi Blade crossed his arms, a smirk playing on his lips. “Oh, right, because a hundred rats is just a light snack for a snake the size of a freight train. Maybe it’s on a diet?”

The snake’s slitted eyes narrowed dangerously as it loomed closer. “Diet? Dainty? Listen here, you little ghosts, I’ll turn you both into my next meal if you keep yapping!”

Without missing a beat, Orochimaru rolled his eyes and swatted the snake on the head as if scolding a mischievous toddler.

“Calm down, big guy. These are my students, future contractors for the White Snake Sage. So play nice!”

The snake scoffed, clearly unimpressed. “These two? They look like they’d get lost in their own backyard. I give them a week in Ryuchi Cave before they’re crispy critters!”

Kakashi puffed out his chest, trying to exude confidence, even though his voice cracked slightly under the pressure.

“We won’t disappoint Lord Orochimaru! We’ll show you! Right, Mi Blade?”

Mi Blade nodded vigorously, though he wasn’t entirely sure if he wanted to prove the snake wrong or if he would prefer to attend a dreadful poetry reading with no escape.

“Hah! You’ll regret this!” the snake hissed, its forked tongue flicking in amusement, clearly relishing the idea of them getting in over their heads.

Orochimaru, ever the showman, clapped his hands together with a flourish.

“Alright, enough chit-chat. Next up, you’ll sign the sacred contract scroll—prepare yourselves for greatness!” He sounded like a circus ringmaster about to unveil the grand finale.

Mi Blade and Kakashi exchanged apprehensive glances, both silently wondering,

“Is signing this thing going to come with a side of rat stew?”

As Orochimaru prepared to send them off, a mischievous grin danced across his face, his eyes glinting with a mix of excitement and mischief.

“Once I reverse summon you to Ryuchi Cave, it’s all on you! I won’t be there to hold your hand, so good luck—may the odds be ever in your favor!”

“Uh, thanks… I guess?” Mi Blade muttered, an eyebrow raised in skepticism. Kakashi shrugged, clearly accustomed to the increasingly bizarre scenarios their sensei orchestrated.

With a blend of anticipation and trepidation, they hastily scribbled their names on the contract scroll. Mi Blade mumbled under his breath,

“Please tell me this isn’t gonna turn into some ‘Survivor: Snake Edition’ nightmare.”

With a dramatic puff of smoke, the world spun around them, and in an instant, they found themselves standing in the midst of a shadowy, foreboding forest that screamed 'bad decision central.'

“Is this Ryuchi Cave?” Kakashi asked, squinting into the darkness as if expecting a snake to pop out wearing a party hat and shouting, “Surprise!”

Mi Blade strained to listen, squinting into the dimness.

“Yep, this is the place. I think I hear crickets... Or is that just the snakes plotting their next all-you-can-eat buffet?”

“Perfect. Jungle? Check. Creepy noises? Check. Possible snake ambush? Double check,” Kakashi groaned, surveying their surroundings with a wary eye, as though the very forest might decide to swallow him whole.

“Where’s Master Orochimaru?”

Mi Blade couldn’t help but smirk. “Probably hiding somewhere, sipping tea and watching us from a safe distance. You know, like a parent who tells you to clean your room, then sneaks off to indulge in some ice cream.”

The two exchanged glances, their bravado evaporating like mist in the morning sun.

“We got this, right?” Mi Blade asked, his voice quivering slightly as he tried to rally his confidence.

“I mean, Lord Orochimaru wouldn’t send us here if we weren’t ready. He’s shown us the path, and now it’s up to us to… uh… not die.”

Kakashi nodded hesitantly, his expression a mix of doubt and determination.

“Yeah, we’ll be fine. As long as nothing too... hungry... decides to show up.”

With exaggerated caution, they began to creep deeper into the cave, each rustle of leaves sending a jolt of anxiety through Kakashi. Mi Blade was quickly regretting every decision that had led him to this unsettling moment.

“Are those trees rustling?” Kakashi whispered, his eyes darting around nervously. “Or is it just a gathering of snakes having a powwow about the best way to serve us with fava beans and a nice Chianti?”

Mi Blade forced a laugh, though it came out more strained than he intended.

“Bright side: if we get eaten, we’ll go down in history as the ninja snacks of Ryuchi Cave. Think of the fame!”

“Woo-hoo, ninja snacks!” Kakashi groaned, throwing his hands in the air with exaggerated sarcasm.

“Why do I get the feeling this might be the worst life choice we’ve ever made?”

“Eh, probably because it is,” Mi Blade admitted, his voice shaking slightly as they ventured further into the abyss.

“But at least we’ll be famous for it.”