CHAPTER 337 - TURNING THE TANKER

Cecilia's ears were still hurting from her flight on Lehmhart by the time she made it to Josephine's mansion, a reminder that she ought to buy ear protection sometime soon after this. Emilia was hunkering down at Pauline's mother's Hearthome property, which was a ways away from the city center and more modern than old Hearthome. The manse was set back behind lush, meticulously arranged gardens. Manicured hedges framed winding gravel paths, and clusters of flowers Cecilia imagined were vibrant in color. She tried recalling memories of how it looked the last time she'd been earlier in the year, but those were smudgy at best. She had noticed that Sinnoh didn't have much variety in terms of homes affluent people lived in. For the most part, they were either penthouses atop high rises or modern mansions like these surrounded by gardens.

A few security guards, each accompanied by a Pokemon, nodded as she passed, already notified of her arrival. The security business was booming post-bombing; it somewhat reminded her of the raid on Backlot's mansion and his endless trainers for hire, something he'd been considered eccentric for. She didn't feel the slightest pause until she reached the stone slab steps, where a hint of hesitation crept in.

Cecilia knew what she wanted to say. It was simple, really. She wanted to tell Emilia to stop looking after her and to say that she never should have been involved in this Temperance business in the first place—and she needed to apologize for letting it go on for this long as well. The issue was that Cecilia wasn't the best with words, or more precisely at broaching sensitive topics in a way that would leave someone's feelings as unhurt as possible. If Emilia could not accept this, then Cecilia would need to keep her distance in order not to harm her further—which would mean weaning herself off the very friends she'd spent all this time getting closer to.

A calming breath, then Cecilia pulled her chin up and made herself taller. She'd faced murderers and death before—had literally died before. This moment shouldn't feel as daunting or difficult as it did. All she needed was to find the right way to navigate this sensitive topic…

If only Slowking had been here for advice. Unfortunately, besides Lehmhart, all of her Pokemon had remained to help Louis at his sanctuary. She owed him that, at the very least; the extra labor would have been missed, especially when they were Pokemon of their calibre. The Unovan pushed the tall wooden double doors open and took a step inside, glad to be out of the sun's glare. Already used to the labyrinthian dispositions of her father's numerous mansions and homes, she found herself easily navigating the wide hallways and soon found Pete—Pauline's most trusted butler—near the entrance before asking him for directions. There were fewer staff members here than she knew Unovans liked to have, with Pete being one of sixteen currently on service around the mansion, some cleaning a vase, sweeping the floor, keeping ambient music going, or fixing up the dining room for tonight. Nearly all of them were young men.

"Ms. King and Ms. Lussier are in this room," Pete said, presenting the door with a polite gesture. Cecilia could hear the faint sound of their voices. "May I be of any more service?"

"No, thank you."

He gently knocked on the door, each tap of his finger deliberate, and he announced their presence to the two before he was let in by Pauline's rambunctious voice. As soon as the "come in!" was heard, Cecilia felt her jaw clench and felt her face twisting into a faux smile before shaking her head and already knowing it would be a meaningless lie. It was difficult to unlearn gestures you'd lived with your entire life, especially if you were punished for not doing them. Only when Grace was here had she found herself comfortable enough to relax—and Chase, these days.

To Cecilia, they looked much the same as always. Pauline carried her usual expression—a hint of a smirk at the corner of her mouth, her eyes softened over the past year. You might even call her calm now. Almost. Beneath that composure, though, a spark still flickered, restless as ever. Emilia was also not that rattled, though unlike her friend, she knew the reason for Cecilia's visit. Really, the Unovan was surprised she hadn't told Pauline about it during the multi-hour-long journey to Hearthome; she'd nearly expected to be verbally assaulted the moment she'd come into the room. Emilia was tense, her eyes darting throughout the room. It was as if she'd turned back to the girl she'd been when they'd met. Nervous and afraid of anything unexpected.

Maybe not that far, Cecilia thought. It was still strange to see her this unsettled these days. The Unovan still didn't really understand it. No, she understood, but she didn't get why she'd lied about what she could take and not just told her outright. If she had, Temperance would have been history, but Cecilia didn't want to break up with her now, especially when they'd gone public and she'd found the coordinator worked well for her emotional needs.

Pete asked the two girls if they needed anything—snacks, drinks, a change in music—he was denied and swiftly left the room. The door closed with a foreboding clink behind Cecilia.

"Hey, Cece!" Pauline stood up from her truthfully enormous bed with a smile and hugged her. It was an unexpected gesture she struggled to return in the moment. "I'm glad you came to hang out, even if it was sudden. Emi and I were talking about performances and stuff to cheer her up—she's been a little off lately."

Cecilia's eyes fell upon the coordinator, and she averted hers immediately. Had her crush gotten worse? Or maybe she was just nervous because of the text Cecilia had sent. Hopefully that was it. "I can see that," she said before pausing. "May I sit? I have something—"

"Hey, can I talk to you in private?" Emilia cut in, finding her confidence. Her hands were clenched around Pauline's fluffy bedsheets tightly enough to turn her knuckles white. "Sorry, Pauline. It won't be long."

"Whaaat?" the redhead drawled with a hint of humor. There was a short pause, and her slightly amused expression gave way to a frown and a look of realization that this would be serious. "Wait. What's with the cloak and dagger shit?" She was quiet, but still threatening. Like a song slowly building up to a climax. Quickly, her head swiveled back to her bed. "Emi?"

Cecilia could see the gears turning inside her head. Still in loungewear just a little too big for her, Emilia sighed. The one leg she had over the bed's edge started to bounce. "I was hoping to keep this private."

Pauline crossed her arms. "Something's going on between you two. I'm guessing that's why you've been so depressed."

Emilia clicked her tongue. "I'm not depressed, Arceus. No need to exaggerate—"

"You haven't uploaded on your channel in days, you haven't practiced with your Pokemon in that same length of time—so much so that Metang had to ask me about it," Pauline scathingly listed. "Instead of being the queen of Hearthome or whatever, you've been holing up here. With me. You didn't even bring a change of clothes!" The redhead gestured at her ex like what she was saying was the most obvious thing in the world, and to be honest, it was.

Guilt seized Cecilia's heart. She'd managed to get a hold of her ghostly self by now, so she didn't let it show, or barely enough that only Grace or perhaps Chase would have caught it.

"Just… whatever," Emilia exhaled in defeat. "What if I promise to tell you afterward? It'd be uncomfortable with you hearing." She closed her eyes and made her voice small. "And humiliating."

Pauline's eyes widened slightly before narrowing into a confused glare of sorts aimed at Cecilia. She must have already concluded her to be the villain, and to be honest, this was mainly her fault, so she wasn't wrong. "Fine," Pauline said. "Just make sure to tell the truth after. I'm worried about you. I'll go grab some chips or something. I didn't want to bother Pete, but I'm kind of hungry."

"You can grab some chips without pestering him," Emilia said, half-jokingly. "But thanks."

Cecilia said the same, dipping her head in appreciation as the redhead passed her by and closed the door. Nearly slammed it, in fact. Now that they were alone, with only Lehmhart's Pokeball to keep her company, Cecilia didn't know if she should stay where she was at a healthy distance or go sit on the bed next to Emi. Wasn't distance actually what she needed? But would she seem cold if she was too far? So many questions, and so little time to think. She decided to compromise and sit on the bed, but a few feet away or so to give her space.

Emilia kept stealing glances at her, and once again her fists gripped the bedding. Cecilia just kept unflinchingly looking right at the side of her face. Surely eye contact would showcase her honesty.

"You'll tell Pauline I'm sorry about sitting on her bed with unchanged clothes after a flight," the Unovan said. "I don't think she'll be willing to talk to me after this."

"After what?" Emilia said.

"Emi." There were no two ways about this. She needed to be direct. "I'm sorry for allowing you to watch over my relationship with Temperance. It was inattentive of me."

The girl scoffed. "Allowing me? It was a choice I made."

"A horrible one," Cecilia said. "You can't handle it. You just can't. Louis and now Pauline have talked about how it's affected you. You were hiding it well when we were together."

"I can. It's just harder than I thought."

"You can't," she repeated. "And yes. Allowed you. Because I could have cut you out of it right then and there that one night, and I didn't." Emilia stayed silent, possibly not knowing what to say—Cecilia wasn't certain. "This doesn't mean we can't be friends or that I'll stop seeing you. It just means that… that entire relationship with Temperance isn't something we should talk about at all. Or something you should be involved in at all. You never should have been in the first place."

The words hurt her. Cecilia could tell. Emilia winced, a trembling breath escaping the confines of her mouth, and she curled up into a ball, hugging her knees as she still sat. "You don't want me near you. Fine."

This time, it was Cecilia's turn to grimace; she flinched back and shook her head in disbelief. "That isn't what I said."

"It's what you mean," she bitterly laughed. "Think about it. You see her every day for the majority of the day. This morning and afternoon you spent with Louis is the first time you've seen one of us since you started dating her! Beside me, obviously."

That was true enough. Cecilia would have made time for Chase, but he had secluded himself now and was living in the wild like a hermit. They texted occasionally when he had service closer to Canalave, but he wasn't one to put his goals on hold to babysit her permanently.

"You used me as leverage to make Temperance jealous, and now you're just going away," she continued. "But it's whatever. I mean, it's not, but it is. Whatever."

"Why do you keep saying that when it isn't?"

"Because it has to be," she forced out through a constricted throat. "I'll get over it." There was a short moment of silence that seemed to stretch forever as she stared at the little plushies Pauline had arranged by her window. Most of them were fierce Pokemon like Druddigon or Charizard. "It just always feels like I come second, never first, no matter how hard I try. It's never enough."

"I'm sorry." It was half a genuine apology, half not knowing what to say. It was her first time rejecting someone she cared about—Amy could eat a bag of rusty needles. But at least now, Emilia could probably acknowledge the following instead of lying. "You like me, then. Not that I believed you when you denied it." She wouldn't have made that mistake again. Not after Grace. Fool me twice, shame on me, as they said.

This book was originally published on Royal Road. Check it out there for the real experience.

The words struck Emilia like a thousand tons. Her head jerked back, and she looked at her and looked ready to fight the accusation, but relented within seconds and deflated like a helium balloon. "It was just an idea," she quietly said. "It wasn't actually serious. Not a big thing like you and Grace had."

"Why me, anyway?" Cecilia asked.

She scoffed. "Why? So I need a reason to have a mild crush on someone?"

It was a genuine question. There wasn't much to like about her, the Unovan had realized, and her friend wasn't one to get with someone just for their looks. Maybe Cecilia could fill a gimmick for a few weeks or months like she was doing with her current girlfriend, but it was only a matter of time until something went wrong with her or Temperance got bored—and it was only a matter of time until she left as well, which is why Cecilia would be doing so first. Not only that, but she was horrid at dating people. Why else would Grace have left?

"I believe you just had an idea of me in your head and thought I could be that, but I can't," she said.

"What the hell are you saying?" She shot up from the bed. "Do you realize how that makes you sound?"

"No."

She threw her hands up in exasperation. "I—" she evidently let the topic go and started pacing around the room. "I can't believe this. Why couldn't I like someone who—argh!" Emilia nearly tore her hair out. "Do you realize how I feel used, at least?"

Cecilia wanted to say, You could have just said no. I trusted you when you said you could handle it. But the words stayed lodged in her throat. She was even surprised at that combative part of her. People were so confusing. They could lie to your face about one thing and mean something else entirely. Lying to herself, she knew well, but why not be honest when the opportunity had been given? Grace too had lied about Maylene, and now she was gone.

It wasn't like it had been some sort of play to gain an advantage over her like something Cecilia might do when talking to someone she could get something from, it had just been a lie for the sake of lying. Why did people not realize when they liked someone? She'd realized her crush on Grace as soon as she realized that it'd be okay for her to be gay.

"I'm sorry," was all that came out through clenched teeth.

"I still think this Temperance thing is bad for you, but we can just leave it at that. I, uh," she glanced around, "might need some space? And if you see Pauline on the way out, tell her that I'm ready to talk to her. I'm sorry, but she should know. She cares about me."

Relief flooded Cecilia's veins like an aphrodisiac. She hadn't handled this very well and had nearly let anger get the better of her, but things were okay. Genuinely okay. It would probably take Emilia a while to lose her feelings, but no permanent damage in their friendship had taken hold. There were no more hugs, but instead an awkward wave as a goodbye, but before Cecilia could leave—

"One last thing," she asked. "What's so wrong with me?"

Cecilia frowned. "What do you mean?"

Emilia fell back on the bed with a little laugh, hair splayed out on the mattress. "What's so wrong with me that I'm never the one people choose?"

Never was an exaggeration here—sure, Pauline had gotten a crush on Denzel and forced all three of them into a relationship, but she'd never fallen out of love with Emilia. And this was just… she'd just never been into her that way.

"There's nothing wrong with you." Cecilia gently smiled at her. "I'm sorry I couldn't return your feelings. I'm sure you'll find someone soon who can make you happy."

Cecilia could maybe have given it a try, but there would be no point when she'd just be using her as a rebound and imagining her as Grace and she looked nothing like her. It would have been a far worse offense than what she'd done to her now, and unlike Temperance, she'd get no strange enjoyment out of it.

"Blegh," Emilia groaned.

That was hopefully the end of that whole debacle. Surprisingly, Pauline wasn't at the door to eavesdrop, something Cecilia had expected her to do. Instead, the redhead was down the hall, leaning against the wall and munching on some salted chips.

"Done?" she dryly said, scrunching up the bag. Was she already finished? She and Emilia hadn't spoken for long.

"Done," the Unovan said with a nod. "She's ready to talk."

Pauline walked past Cecilia, but stopped midway. "How is she?" she asked behind her.

"She's fine. Or at least she was fine when I left her," Cecilia said.

"We'll talk after," she nearly threatened.

"Of course."

Cecilia wouldn't run. Not only would it be cowardly, but it would just delay the inevitable, anyway. She settled into the same spot Pauline had claimed, wishing she had her Pokemon with her or that these halls were spacious enough to accommodate a Golurk. It made her recall how Grace and she used to daydream about renting some apartment in Castelia, or at least Cecilia daydreamed about it. Thinking back, it wasn't like she'd given her the option to choose the city or had even heard her input; Grace had just agreed right away.

With a heavy sigh, she pushed her head down against the wall she was facing and just existed for a few minutes. She remembered one of the breathing exercises Temperance taught her—one that was usually for singers, but that would be of use for her voice to stay steady when it was loud during a battle. She inhaled as much as possible and slowly exhaled while hissing, keeping it as level as possible. Then there was panting rapidly or gasping to build up the stamina in your throat muscles, and a million other things that had made her realize how complex a human throat was—and she'd seen multiple get crushed or cut. Innards just looked like innards to her. Red and mushy. That kept her distracted for a bit, but Pauline's conversation was taking a long time. Cecilia found her finger drifting toward Temperance's name. She wouldn't give her the satisfaction of asking for support during a tough day, but instead, she decided to keep her updated on what was happening. But keeping her updated? That felt like a 'girlfriend' thing to do—or at least, one she was willing to count as one.

She picked and chose which things fit that role, according to her own liking.

Her girlfriend answered with a 'proud of you babe! stay strong!' and it did surprisingly feel quite nice. Cecilia replied with a thanks and decided that was enough of that. She couldn't let herself get too attached or grow too close; she needed to keep Temperance at arm's length, both because of dependency fears and the fact that it was all temporary.

So as she usually did to distract herself, she found herself browsing the trainer forums. It was something she'd found enjoyment in since her physical revival post Jupiter and a hobby she hadn't lost after being revived by those Gengar. There was plenty of news about the Conference and the top upcoming trainers that she honestly just glanced over. She was looking at a 'hype' thread where 'connoisseurs' liked to theorize and power scale, though most of what they said was utter rubbish. She found a strange enjoyment in seeing people speak about her. Her relationship with Temperance had put her on the map, and it felt nice for her name to matter for once.

Cecilia should have expected to find Grace spoken about there. She hadn't looked at her ex's thread once since breaking up, but with her position at Poketch, she was famous enough to have people talk about her all the time even outside of it. Cecilia first found a post saying that Grace and Maylene were officially dating that was issued a warning for being off-topic, then another, then multiple over the course of the last few hours, and she opened Chatter and found Grace's account and read her latest Chat and—

She heaved for every breath and crouched face-first against the wall, her forehead never leaving the cool surface.

Obviously, Cecilia had known they were dating. She'd seen plenty of people online guess that fact, even. It wasn't like they'd been hiding it—they were more flaunting it in everyone's faces. But having the announcement spelled out right in front of her accompanied by a picture of Grace kissing the Gym Leader on the cheek in her room, having the entire country seeing it confirmed, having to face this certain truth on her own again?

It was nearly as painful as that day she'd found out for the first time.

Within her lay a treacherous, simmering rage. A pressure began to build in her chest, a fierce, twisting ache that rose into her throat, clawing for release yet held back by sheer will. Why was she being hurt again? Why did it even matter? There must have been something wrong with her to be still hung up on this, and it made the Unovan want to dive deep into her own ribcage and rip out her own heart so she could give it a stern talking to.

The door opened down the hall—no, it swung open and crashed into the little stopper that kept it from slamming on the wall. Emilia chased behind Pauline, calling her name over and over and telling her not to do this. The redhead approached with a determined step. Cecilia rose to meet her despite her anger still covering every inch of her skin and coiling around her like an Ekans.

"You bitch! What the fuck is wrong with you?!" Pauline yelled as she moved.

Emilia spoke up, desperation leaking into every word. "Pauline, please. We dealt with it like adults—"

"Who do you think you are, exactly?" She ignored her, her tone so loud that it washed over Emilia's small voice. Upon getting a closer look, Cecilia noticed Emi had been tearing up, or maybe crying. It was difficult to tell. Pauline pointed back at Emilia with an almost violent fervor. "What gives you the right to grab her heart and tear it into a million pieces?!" She violently jabbed a finger in her chest.

Cecilia looked down at her, ears ringing like nails scraping against a chalkboard as the pain in her heart allowed the anger to fester and grow.

"Say something," Pauline growled. "Not only did you and that other prick use her in this sick game, but you fucking used her as leverage? Really? Do you think people are just empty sacks of meat without feelings that you can string along to gain something? And you let this go on for so long—" she continued her verbal assault, recounting all of Cecilia's wrongs like she was crossing her t's and dotting her i's. Emilia had told her everything to the last detail, and none of it would be amiss.

The Unovan watched Emilia retreat back to Pauline's room, unable to listen to this beatdown. This was probably the last thing she'd wanted, and even she had her limits.

Oh, it was so easy with hindsight, wasn't it, Pauline? Saying that she should have done this, or that, or said this and that. That she should have just cut her off immediately as if Cecilia didn't fear harming her friendship by disappointing her, and genuinely thought she would give her good advice because of how mature she'd grown.

Cecilia was tired. But most of all, she feared that—that she would say something off should she speak.

"I'm sorry," Cecilia said. "I shouldn't have done any of it."

Pauline let out a comical, exaggerated laugh as her face contorted in near delirium. "You're just saying that. Look at you. Are you even sorry? Or is it just something you say in hopes of moving on?"

"I mean it," she said. "Are you done?" After each word had come a pause each more frustrated than the last.

"Oh. Getting a little angry, aren't you?" she taunted with an infuriating smirk and flicked her hair back. "Get out of my house."

Something snapped inside her—a taut string pulled too tight, finally breaking under the pressure. It was like the sound of a dam giving way, the sudden, sharp crack of something carefully held back shattering into release, leading to a maddened laugh that spread through the hall.

"And you think you're any better? You?!" she yelled. "Please. Spare me your belligerence."

Already, Pauline had turned away, but that caught her attention. "What," her eyes sharpened, and her face and body tightened like a rubber band stretched to its maximum, "the fuck are you saying?"

"I was nothing. Some stupid crush that didn't even matter. You were all she had for her entire life and you betrayed her by leading her on, lying to her about how you felt about Denzel while she was fighting to make a life for herself in Hearthome alone!" Cecilia knew how to hit where it hurt; she could even see a vein pop up on Pauline's forehead. The redhead clenched a fist, and her teeth nearly chattered in anger. "So screw you and your so-called morality. Every time, I have to be perfect. I have to read your minds! Every time I take people at their word and think they can handle me, they break! It's my fault; me, me, me!" This was dangerous. It felt so good. "Maybe Emilia should have just told me instead of hiding behind a veil of constant excuses. Have you considered that maybe, just maybe, I've been in the middle of trying to turn the fucking tanker that is my life, so sorry if I can't be just, oh so attentive to every little thing—"

She felt a sharp sting on her cheek, and the sound of a slap resonated a split-second later. She grinned, the physical pain a welcome sensation and distraction. Cecilia worked her jaw as the tingling faded, fingers grazing where she'd just been hit.

"How mature," she said. "I guess that proves my point."

"That wasn't for shittalking me. That was for being so fucking dense about what Emilia feels and blaming her for what you did," Pauline muttered.

Cecilia rolled her eyes. "A wonderful little lie."

"When did you become so fucking cold?" Pauline's voice wavered, and she allowed pain to show in her eyes for the first time. "I don't recognize you."

"Sorry if I didn't immediately prostrate myself before you and beg for forgiveness," she spat. "I became someone."

She immediately answered, "Yeah, well you became an asshole. 'Guess that's why you're single—or wait, I guess you're with that other asshole now. However long that lasts."

The words hurt like paper cuts all over her skin, but she forced a shrug. "I won't even deign to answer that."

"Right. Of course, you won't, that'd go against the pretentious shtick you've got going on." Pauline paused, foot tapping against the carpeted floor. "Hey, do me a favor. When you go to sleep tonight in the arms of a woman you don't love, you should ask yourself why the girl who got cheated on is losing her friends. Now fuck off."

The shouting match had caught the attention of a few attendants, however Cecilia was already leaving. It was strange. She felt light and unburdened, like the argument itself had fueled her shallow soul with personality. Deserved or not, she'd stood up for herself, and she had to admit that felt grand even if the satisfaction was tainted. The taste of it lingered, sharp and bittersweet. It felt good, that defiance, even if it came with the sting of consequence—a satisfaction laced with bitterness, like swallowing a poisoned piece of candy just for the taste. For once, she'd been her own voice, no matter how flawed. She did not feel the urge to run and take refuge, neither to Temperance who would have jumped at the occasion, nor Chase who would have made time if she truly needed it—she knew he would forever be in her corner. Instead, she just wished her Pokemon could be here. She'd even let go of her awful reaction to that Chatter post.

She didn't get a ride back in a car to the city outskirts where taking off with Lehmhart would be allowed.

Whatever. She could walk. She had, after all, turned the tanker.

A/N: One interlude inbound, and then a time skip.