CHAPTER 165

Looker came again the next morning to get my full story. I had recovered enough to at least talk about it, although I did gloss over the details. They needed my side of what happened during the battle with Harry to be sure what he had said was right, and apparently he was telling them the truth. He was looking at decades in prison if he gave everything he knew about Team Galactic to the government and the International Police.

I still didn't want to know what happened to his leg.

I procrastinated the entire morning, simply watching the hours go by until I finally braced myself enough to answer my texts from the Poketch Company. They had obviously heard of what happened, and I was again in the news now that people knew that the Champion was speaking to me and that I'd been involved in this entire situation. I didn't even have the energy to look at the rumors going around. If people found out what I had done, I couldn't even imagine what they'd say about me.

Melody wanted a full rundown of what happened, but I told her I couldn't tell her anything. She was smart, so she quickly put together that everything I had gone through and heard had basically been put under a gag order by the League and quickly stopped asking. She was a lot less persistent than I thought she would be, especially with how Cynthia had warned me about getting pressured, but maybe the media would be worse.

I was so tired.

In truth, I hadn't been alone in a long while. I had always had at least my friends or my Pokemon with me, but it had been a long time since I'd been by myself. Memories from yesterday kept flashing back every time I closed my eyes. Solaceon wasn't faring much better. Since I had stayed in a hospital room and avoided television, I didn't know much, but people came changed from the entire event. Roland Hunter had told me about how the dark had revealed our true selves for a few moments, and people no doubt learned about themselves, which depending on who they were could have been good or terrifying.

There had been a few deaths too. Suicides and murders. I wondered how the authorities would handle that. People hadn't been in the right state of mind, so there was no way they'd go to prison for it, but I imagined the perpetrators would still be shunned and shamed their entire lives. In a place as small as Solaceon, having killed someone wasn't going to leave them unless they moved.

I wondered how Cynthia could do it. To take a life so easily. I thought back to my first conversation with her in Floaroma, where she had pushed me to continue on my journey. She had told me that fear was never outgrown, but you learned to get used to it, and she had certainly been proven correct.

"I guess killing is the same," I muttered before shuddering.

I hoped— sincerely hoped that I would never have to get used to that. Since it was already later in the morning, I waited until one of the doctors brought me lunch and decided to spend the rest of the day locked up. I was too nervous to go outside. It was like if I did, then I would have to acknowledge that everything I had done was real because I'd need to speak about it to the others.

Unfortunately, life had other ideas for me. I heard a knock and expected it to be Looker or Cynthia, but it was Louis, Maeve and Mira instead. They all looked as haggard as I was, although Mira seemed the least affected. I knew now that it was because she wore her mask extremely well. It was an unhealthy habit.

"Hi Grace," she said. "How are you… holding up?"

I opened my mouth to answer, but I wondered if anything I'd say would make me slip. What would their reactions be if they figured out everything I had done? Maybe Mira wouldn't say anything, but Maeve and Louis?

"I am okay," I lied. The words came out stilted and shaky. I just wanted them to leave. "Have you visited the others?"

"Yes. Since we came out of this unscathed, we felt like we had to," Louis grimaced. "We tried to get Justin to come, but he's… changed. He doesn't really see the point in visiting everyone, or at least that's what he said."

"Is it that bad?" I asked.

"He's like a completely different person," Maeve sighed. "You'll have to see for yourself, but it's not pretty. The doctors want to keep him around for a bit longer to study him anyway. They say no one's been exposed to as much dark type energy as he had in… forever."

"But he'll go back to normal, right? I was told it'd take months?" I asked. It was easy to speak if I could focus on someone else.

"They're not so sure anymore, but we're hoping," Louis said. He was taking this the hardest. Justin was probably his best friend. "I don't know what he'll do after this. He has this idea of traveling alone to grow stronger quicker."

"Adversity breeds skill," Maeve mimicked in Justin's voice. "I don't think it's a good idea, personally."

I sighed and sat back down on the bed to look at the ceiling. The bright lights were hypnotizing after having spent so long in a faded world.

"Do you want to go see Cecilia?" Louis asked. "She asked about you."

"Erm. How is she?"

"Her leg could be in better shape, but it was patched up by the doctors yesterday and she needs rest. Emotionally? She's… not great," he said. "Cynthia came to talk to her and Mira yesterday, and you too, I assume. She wanted to tell you what she went through herself. Are you well enough to walk?"

"The doctors said I need to rest another day still," I lied. "I'll go see her tomorrow."

An uneasy silence settled in. We clearly all didn't want to speak about what happened. It was easier that way. Louis and Maeve left after some small talk, but at the last minute, Mira turned back and stuck around, telling them to go on without her. Her cheerful smile became a face full of grief and sadness.

"Grace. I had to tell the League everything."

"What do you mean?"

"Long story short, one of the Team Galactic Commanders is my uncle. His name is Ernest— Ernie for short, but he calls himself Charon."

I remembered him from Valley Windworks. His faded pink hair mixed with white, his distinct limp, and his Hypno. More importantly, he was the one that had stopped Mars from torturing me, at least for an instant.

"I had this whole plan laid out. I was going to stick around in Veilstone, gather information and bust into their headquarters," she said in a defeated tone. "Then I'd convince him to go back home and we'd be a nice and happy family. That's impossible now. They're going after his head."

"I'm sorry."

"Cynthia wants to speak to you, me and Cecilia about something other than protection, right? She probably wants to use me as bait or something. I don't see another reason."

"I don't know Mira," I exhaled. "That could be the case. She could use me for Mars, although it wouldn't line up for Cecilia. Look, can we just… talk about this later? I'm sorry, I just want to be alone."

Mira bit her lip. "Okay. I'll leave you to it. See you later."

So here I was, alone again, and it felt good too. If they knew my true self, they wouldn't want to be with me. I didn't deserve them.

I wanted my Pokemon with me. I stared at Buddy's Pokeball and grabbed it. He was surely rested enough to come out now.

I released the water type, who happily clicked at me. I had never thought about it, but his vocalizations had changed since evolving. Yet it had taken barely a few days to get used to. Maybe my easier time understanding Pokemon had to do with Princess too? I'd need to ask Cynthia about it.

"Hi Bud," I weakly said. He solidified and brushed up close to me, tickling my cheek. I felt none of the pressure I had felt with my friends with him. He knew what I had done, and I was sure he still loved me either way. There would be no judging here. "I missed you."

I hugged his huge face as best I could, and he closed his eyes. I sniffled and sunk against his soft skin.

"I'm glad everyone made it out okay. I'm sorry I was going to make you guys fight someone we couldn't beat."

If Shiftry hadn't been so scared of fighting, I was sure now he could have ended me. I wasn't sure how powerful he was, since it was hard to get a good grasp when he'd been fighting the Champion, but there was no way I would have even lasted a minute with his mastery of the dark. Jellicent shook his head and let out an echoing vibration. He was worried.

"You know, I've thought about it. What I've done. What you saw in there was how I really am, and I fear that it's what I'll become if I keep going like this. Cold and ruthless," I said. Buddy protested, but I stopped him. "It's not so much about the killing, but what I felt during that moment. There was enjoyment. A sense of fulfillment."

He confusedly tilted his head.

"Right, it's not like you'd understand," I sadly chuckled. He was a Pokemon and a ghost type at that. He didn't see what I had felt as wrong—

I stared up into his eyes. They were quivering.

I hurt him.

"I'm sorry, it's not— I didn't mean it like that."

He relaxed slightly, but I could tell that the words would stick with him for a long time.

Fucking... fuck.

I hated this.

—

It was nighttime now. A reporter had tried to break into my room, but they apparently had a League Trainer guarding my door, which was strange way to learn about it. The League ran the city now. They had cleaned house, and everyone in a position of authority had been fired and replaced with loyalists. It was a power grab, but I knew what the public did not. I knew that they needed this to keep tabs on the Unown, whatever they were.

Plus, complaints were rather muted. There had never been an event of this scale in Sinnoh since Cynthia had become the Champion. This was so big that the news even made it to the other regions. They called it the 'darkest day'. It was cheesy, but it grabbed people's attention. Apparently, the spire of void Shiftry had been shooting out of his mansion? It had been visible from Celestic, Hearthome and Veilstone. Even Craig Goodwill was in the city to check up on his sister. I didn't know how she had reacted to the whole event, and I didn't have the energy to find out.

"Remember when I told you that I'd like if you found a hobby?" I asked.

Buddy nodded.

"I know it's a strange thing to ask, especially now, but have you given it some thought?"

I felt my phone vibrate and ignored it. He shook his head, but told me that he'd take it more seriously now. Apparently he'd just said that he would to get me off his back before, but it was different now. Even after my hiccup, I felt comfortable with him. It was like I could let go of my worries and pretend nothing had happened. We watched stupid TV shows together, although I could tell that they bored him to no end. He kept asking me how I was doing, and I didn't lie. Not to him.

"I feel like the world is pressing on my shoulders. I feel like I can't breathe properly. I feel like things will never go back to how they were, but other than that, I think I can manage."

The water type chastised me for finishing off my sentence with a bit of humor.

"You know, I've been thinking that I need a bit of time away from the others. Traveling to Veilstone alone sounds… hard now, but I think it'd be for the best. I think I need to learn about myself, and I won't be able to do it unless I'm on my own with you guys."

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Buddy's eyes dimmed, but he said nothing.

"It won't be for long. Just a few days. I need to get my thoughts back in order and figure out what it is I've been doing. I mean, collecting the gym badges, becoming the best in the world is a nice goal, but what am I doing?"

He stared at me confusedly.

"It's… hard to explain exactly. It's like, I have a goal clearly lined out in front of me. A nice structure that the Circuit gives me along with every trainer participating, but either through my actions or through circumstances I can't control, I keep getting pulled off the path. So I ask again, what am I doing? This isn't the right way to go about this. I still want to do the Circuit stuff, but I need a way to get stronger faster. To protect myself and others I care about. I wish I could just ask Cynthia to train me, but it's not like the Champion can afford to just go off and play favorites with me, especially in these troubled times. So I want to take some time for myself and figure out what the hell I'm doing."

The ideas were odd and disjointed, but Buddy understood the gist of it. I wasn't going to become like Chase. I was a people person at heart, and I didn't think I'd be able to travel for months at a time without any close friends. But it would only take a week to reach Veilstone.

I could handle a week.

Of course, before I could even think about leaving, I had to wait until Cynthia gave me the okay, and I still had to talk to everyone, but for now, I'd just… rest. The tournament had been supposed to last eighteen days, but we didn't even make it through half of that before everything went wrong. We had time on our hands to figure things out. Plus, Cecilia, Denzel and Pauline had been hurt worse than I was, and they'd need time to be able to leave.

I was being a terrible friend by not visiting, wasn't I?

As the night slowly progressed, I couldn't help but fall asleep. I was too tired. The nightmares came back in full force. They weren't scary experiences, but they just replayed Crobat's screams over and over and over. I watched myself loom over it with a twisted smile.

I woke up drenched in sweat and bumped against Buddy's soft head. He'd been observing me from up close, probably deliberating over waking me up or letting me rest. The sun was just rising. I hadn't gotten that many hours, but some were better than nothing. I stepped inside of the shower and changed my bandages. The doctors had been supposed to do it, but I would have rather done it myself. They had enough on their plates already.

I had thought today would be another day of avoiding my responsibilities and sticking around in my room. The most I expected was a text conversation with Melody about the money they were going to transfer me, and maybe I'd get to pick up some of my Pokemon from the Pokemon Center, but unfortunately, I could only pretend I was the only person in the world for so long before people came to me instead. Denzel and Cecilia came to visit me. I tried to pretend I wasn't there, but it didn't work.

"We just want to talk," Denzel said. "Did we do something wrong?"

"Grace! I know you're in there," Cece exclaimed. "Open the door, please."

Could she walk already? I sunk deeper and deeper into my room, but Buddy stopped and pushed me ahead with a tentacle. Was there anything else I could do to delay this just a bit longer? I bit the inside of my mouth, sighed and held out a trembling hand over the door handle.

The moment I opened it, they both pushed the League Trainer off and barged into the room. Cecilia walked on crutches and appeared to be barely able to put any weight on her left leg. Denzel appeared fine, but I knew concussions took at least a week to heal completely. I expected words, but they just hugged me tightly without any warning. We must have cried for at least two minutes, saying nothing to each other, but everything at the same time. It was strange, how something I had dreaded for so long had ended up relieving me and taking some of the weight off. Not all of it, of course. Not even close. But every bit helped, and I could breathe a little easier.

"I was so worried when the others told me you weren't leaving your room," Cecilia said, wiping a tear off. "I know you're hurting, but… confide in us, or in someone."

"I talked to Buddy," I said. I wanted to ask what had bitten her leg, but I refrained from doing so. Right now, we could simply relax and be happy. "And I'm sorry I was so silent. I needed some time to myself to think."

"It's alright, we understand," Denzel nodded. "Just let us know if you need anything, and we'll be there."

"Come on, guys, you're hurt a lot worse than I was," I said. "I should be saying that. Did you guys see everyone else? How's Pauline?"

"She's kicking up a storm and already out and about. She can't really move her arm that well yet though," he sighed. "I keep telling her to take it easy, but she's been a lot more active than normal. It's how she copes with things."

"So she was discharged, at least," I relaxed. "Louis and the others told me about Justin."

They both winced.

"He's planning on leaving as soon as the League gives him the okay. They want to make sure that he's mentally capable of integrating back into society first and stuff," Denzel said. "We talked for a bit. His goal is to spend as much time in the wild as he can to grow stronger."

Cecilia let out a defeated exhale. "He's… changed. Do you know what he told me? That there was no way he'd make it past the eighth badge, so he'd rather spend the time remaining in this year's Circuit training instead. He plans on battling Maylene and Volkner, then he's going to go to Victory Road preparing for next year instead so that he can for sure reach the Conference and be freed from his father's obligations."

"Victory Road? He'll die there!"

Victory Road wasn't frequented by anyone but the most experienced trainers. Back in the day, only people that made it through there could participate in the Conference, but now it was more of an abandoned tradition. People usually flew to the event, either on their Pokemon or by plane— which strangely enough wasn't frowned upon for this specific instance. That was how dangerous the mountain was.

"Which is why Louis has been trying to convince him otherwise, but there hasn't been any success there yet," Cecilia said. "Do you think you could try to talk to him later?"

"I'll see… I'm exhausted."

They were too. They had deep bags under their eyes, but Cecilia even more so. She was struggling to keep herself together, I could tell.

"Why don't we just do nothing for now?" Denzel asked. "No reporters, no League, no International Police… just us? I can go grab us some food from the cafeteria if you want. They're serving pizza today to cheer people up."

I nodded, and Cecilia agreed. It was a good idea. He quickly left, saying that he'd be back in around ten minutes.

"Do you want my bed? Your leg…"

"I'll sit down," she smiled. I helped her sit and placed her crutches against the wall. "Cynthia will come to speak to us today. She told me earlier."

"She spoke to you again?" I asked, sitting down next to her.

"Grace, I'm not going to lie, it's been difficult. Of course, it's been hard on all of us, but I was a complete and utter mess for the last two days. I won't tell you what I've done, but it wasn't necessary, and it made me realize that I wasn't who I thought I was. She helped me go through this by visiting me once per day and giving me some encouragement. I don't really know if it helped, but at least I can speak now."

"I'm sorry. I should have been there, I—"

"I would have liked that, or at least some texts," she angrily said. "At least a word after the initial chaos when Shiftry died other than 'I'm alive'. But I know you were going through the same thing I was. We probably all were, except Justin, so… I'm angry, but I won't hold it against you. I understand."

"I'm sorry," I said again. "What did Cynthia tell you?"

"A few stories about her childhood. How she met her Gible and the years she spent befriending her before her journey, mostly."

"You should probably wait until Denzel comes back to go into that," I said. "Any idea of what she'll talk to us and Mira about?"

"Something to do with Team Galactic, but you probably guessed that already. More interestingly, she's been watching us."

"Watching?"

"Yeah. Paying attention to our gym battles… I didn't want to say it with Louis, Pauline, Maeve or Just— nevermind, not Justin. I knew they'd get down, so I stayed quiet when talking to them. I know these last few days have been horrible, but you can at least cheer up in the fact that we've caught the Champion's attention."

Just a week ago, I would have squealed at that, but right now I just didn't have the energy to. I did feel a bit of pride, though.

"I didn't think she even cared about low leveled battles like ours. I wonder what it's like to be so strong," I pondered.

"I'd imagine that it feels great."

"I think so too, but I also think that it'd be lonely."

It was strange in a way, how my feelings contradicted my goal. Becoming the best in the world would be an exhilarating journey. The incremental feeling of progress, clawing your way up to the top, but then what? Some people decided to use their strength to protect their regions, like the Champions, while some just became recluses like Red from Kanto. It would take many years for me to even get there, but it was important to think about.

At least I knew to temper my expectations now. Seeing Cynthia stand down a thousand-year-old Pokemon like it was nothing made me realize that even Craig had no chance against her. As much as it hurt, I'd need to lower my goal for this year to just winning the Conference, if I could do even that. Even Craig was an indomitable mountain from my perspective, and Cynthia was one from his.

Denzel came back into the room with lukewarm pizza slices, and we ate in relative silence. I was surprised to see that even he didn't want to watch the news or browse the forums.

"Grace, if it's not too much to ask, how did Cynthia take down Shiftry?" Cecilia asked out of the blue. She'd always idolized her, but she seemed to be even more fascinated by the Champion.

I gulped. "It wasn't even a fight. Spiritomb mentally crippled him and Lucario stabbed him with some kind of Aura Bone attack. If she hadn't spoken to him, it wouldn't even have taken a minute."

"Spiritomb, hm?" Denzel mused. "I don't know much about 'em, but I know that there are only a few in the world. They're manmade apparently."

"So they're like Golett, then," my girlfriend said. "I wish I could ask more about it. I wonder how Cynthia found hers."

"Why?" I asked. I wanted nothing to do with that thing, so to see her so interested in it bothered me. She hadn't heard it like I had. "They're disturbing."

"Nevermind," she shook her head. "But still… what do you think Cynthia was like at our age?"

"A better trainer," I weakly said. "Capable of facing down whatever was in her way. What did she tell you about her childhood?"

I looked to Denzel and expected an excited retort, but his mind was elsewhere.

"Most of Sinnoh's dragons live around Celestic, and her Garchomp was no different. She was apparently using her to battle wild Pokemon since she was six— so years before she even caught it."

"Is that how the story actually goes?" I asked. "I thought it was given to her by her grandma."

"I thought that she hatched it from an egg…" Denzel said.

There were a lot of rumors about how Cynthia got her start, and the mythos around her helped build up her image. It was a lot harder to track down everything a trainer did back then, and the mystery persisted to this day— except for us, since Cece was revealing everything.

"That's probably how she destroyed all of the early gyms in her path," she continued. "If I had to guess Gible was already so strong by the time she started her journey that it just automatically won every battle. By the time gym leaders even realized it, she'd probably knocked out most of their team."

"Getting an early start explains some of it, but she still brought the rest of her Pokemon to that level and became the Champion in a single year. Can you imagine the political upheaval at the time? I would have paid to see it," Denzel said.

"Maybe I should ask my dad about it," I said before freezing. I couldn't speak to him. I didn't want to. "Or not. It's probably a lot less exciting than we'd think."

"Yeah…" he said, chewing on his pizza. "Still, it's nice to learn about. I'd like to know how she learned how to cope with stuff. Other than speaking to Nurse Joys, I mean."

We finished our lunch in silence after that, and they left shortly after. I felt slightly better now that we had spoken, and even though we'd still avoided talking about what happened in Shiftry's domain, there was a semblance of normalcy to eating lunch with friends. Normalcy that was dearly needed these days. I didn't have much to do, so I decided to take the plunge and visit Justin. Unfortunately, he wasn't in his room, and I wasn't about to go outside. Not when I'd get swarmed by dozens of people. The Center's hallways were already suffocating, but being shadowed by a League Trainer and Buddy was enough to keep most people in line. I ended up going downstairs and asking the nurses if any of my Pokemon were ready to go, but only Angel was. Sunshine had been hurt a lot more than I thought, and Sweetheart was still unconscious, although recovering slowly. Princess and Honey would be ready in a few hours, although I was terrified of speaking to both. The former because she'd been influencing me without knowing and she would without a doubt be utterly crushed, and the latter because of that single glance my way before I made him kill—

Kill Crobat.

I wasn't ready. Not for either of them. I went back to my room. My safe haven and my only area of respite. Angel had made a full recovery, and all of his vines had grown back. He greeted me with touch, like usual, but it was more gentle than I'd expect. It was like he was handling me like a delicate flower.

He did the same for Buddy, dragging him around like a balloon. It was nice to have him back.

"Angel, that tickles! I missed you," I chuckled. He happily squinted. "Thank you for everything during the fight. You blocked Weavile's Ice Shards with your body and only one made it through. Without you… I'd be dead."

The grass type nodded with its entire body and gestured with two vines.

"I know," I smiled. "But I still feel guilty. You got so hurt because of me… you're not used to pain. Come here."

I walked up to him and hugged his body as best I could.

"Mommy's very proud of you."

I sighed. I needed to speak to a therapist, didn't I? I still had Amanda's number, although we hadn't spoken in a long time thanks to her giving me the tools to overcome my issues by myself in the past.

With this one?

I wasn't so sure. I wasn't getting better, I was learning to function with a hole in my heart.

—

The League Trainer knocked on my door in the evening, and she Teleported me to some unknown location with that same Xatu she'd used before. It was a nondescript room that could have been in any home in Solaceon, although it had been converted into an office with multiple desks. Mira and Cecilia were already there, and Cynthia sat at a desk with Aaron and Lucian doing the same. I felt my body tense. Few trainers could boast about having seen an Elite Four member in the flesh, let alone two. They were actually harder to see than the Champion due to them spending the vast majority of their time on the Lily of the Valley island, while Cynthia traveled through the region a lot more than they did. The League Trainer quickly left, and Lucian stared at me, while Aaron stared through me.

I shivered. It was as if hundreds of bugs crawled on my skin at the same time. However, that wasn't it. A hulking Garchomp covered in battle scars loomed over the Champion. It was my first time properly seeing one that wasn't moving all over the place, and they were even worse than I expected. A mass of scales, muscles and teeth larger than my hand. It was twice my size and looked at me like I would look at an ant.

"Enough with the staring," Cynthia ordered as she stared at some papers. She surprisingly wore glasses. Was she nearsighted?

"Who wouldn't be intrigued by some of the trainers who caught your eye?" Aaron smirked. "Want me to handle that for you while you speak?"

"Yes, thank you," the Champion tiredly sighed. He pushed himself on the wheeled chair and snatched the paperwork out of Cynthia's hand. "Lucian?"

"Of course."

The psychic type master did the slightest head nudge, and a one-eyed Alakazam teleported into the room. Lucian's Alakazam was also the source of many rumors. No one knew how he lost his eye, and there were many stories about it. Its eye shone, its spoons bent and the room suddenly grew fuzzy.

"Thank you."

I stared around the room, trying to place what had changed.

"Insulation," Lucian explained. "No one will be able to hear your conversation."

"Abel did the same thing…" Cecilia muttered, her eyes still on Garchomp.

"Let us speak then," Cynthia said, taking off her glasses. "You three have one common link…"