While in class, Ava and Samantha would message each other, and Samantha would sometimes sit with Ava at the school cafeteria or at a nearby restaurant for lunch. When Samantha wanted to study, Ava and her friends would do their own thing. For Samantha, it was as nice to be around people as it was nice to be alone.
Although, when she was alone, it wasn’t as if she was alone with her own thoughts. That kind of awareness was still too painful for her to handle even now. She was always in deep study, or otherwise listening to music, scrolling on social media, or chatting with Ava and her friends through her phone.
Samantha can see how Ava is viewed in her group; she’s the leader, the most influential member, and the kindest of their peers as well, at least in Samantha’s eyes.
When the two of them are alone, Ava normally talks with Samantha about her life and what she’s feeling while slowly sharing some details about her interests and her own family. Samantha had asked Ava a few times if she was oversharing or trauma dumping, but Ava had always fervently told her that such concerns were not an issue to her.
“Don’t worry about oversharing or anything. You’ve gone through a lot of pain, Sam. Those kinds of thoughts can’t just swim around in your mind without any outlet, you know?”
Ava was truly interested in all aspects of Samantha’s life, which included the tragedy her life had become. Samantha knew that Ava respected her boundaries so she didn’t have too much trouble sharing, though she did keep it to a minimum. She never shared or even hinted at her intermittent thoughts of suicide, those were between her and a hopefully merciful God.
Still, everyone in Ava’s inner circle already knew who Samantha was and what she had gone through. They didn’t bring it up often, something she appreciated. Samantha could sometimes see the pity in their gazes when they thought she wasn’t looking. As time passed, she had noticed that look in their eyes more and more often. It was… alienating.
Why do they keep looking at me like that? It’s… It’s getting worse, isn’t it? Do I really look that pitiable? I know I’m not the best actor, but shouldn’t they be polite enough to realize that I don’t want them to look at me like that? Am I just overthinking it?
Samantha started to feel out of place in Ava’s group but she started to rethink things when Ava added her into the social media groups and online forums she and her friends were a part of. These groups were dedicated to hobbies like certain idol and musician fandoms, beauty tip sharing, as well as groups that were pro-choice, pro-queer rights, pro-racial justice, etc.
Samantha didn’t know a lot about this prior to talking with Ava’s group, but some annoying parents at Anne Bond were trying to ban books, limit education on queer identities and the history of race, and institutionally harass trans people in general by any means necessary.
This tale has been unlawfully lifted from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere.
Ava was very interested in social media initiatives to raise awareness for such issues, her friends even more so. There was sincerity and fervor in their dedication to these causes.
Samantha did wonder in the back of her mind what side her parents would be on such issues. They were more conservative than Samantha in general, but luckily for Samantha, they were never very interested in involving themselves with the operation of their local school district. So long as their own child was having a nice time, they didn’t care for anything else.
Realistically, they’re… dead, so it’s not like I’ll ever need to concern myself with their political opinions. They’ll remain perfect in my mind forever… God, that is such a weird thing to have to think about…
Recently, it has amazed Samantha how many similarly disturbing thoughts pop into her mind that she never thought she would think about while her parents were still alive. Their deaths and her particular processing of their deaths has brought her an odd sense of detachment. Perhaps it was the fact that she has already lost the most important people to her.
Wasn’t she allowed to have these kinds of thoughts now? So long as she wasn’t thinking of killing herself, she could think whatever she wanted, right? Wasn’t she allowed that grace from the world, from God, from whatever it was that opted to take them away from her?
Recently, Samantha has been noticing anger within her heart concerning their deaths. Even if she had a future remaining to her, her life had already been ruined. She could not escape that thought. It was simply an immutable fact.
But, I can’t kill myself. I cannot even think about it. I know that mom and dad would hate me for it. I would be forced to look up at them from hell… I don’t want that. So, I have to live. Even if they’re dead, I still have to live so that I can meet them again in the kingdom of heaven.
Samantha’s darker thoughts were still there and she was still scared of what her divine punishment would be for having them floating around in her mind. Yet, over time and thanks to Ava, they grew quieter.
Samantha grew to respect Ava more and more as she followed her in real life and through her social media. She wasn’t the only one. Ava had a rather large social media following for a single high school student, her count of friends and followers in the ten thousands. She was basically an online microcelebrity, and Samantha could see why.
A few days after Ava and Samantha started hanging out, Ava wanted to ask Samantha something.
“Do you think I could… talk about your parents on social media? I didn’t like how the media reports seemed to just gloss over them because of how many people died in that accident, you know?”
“Oh… Are you sure you want to?” Samantha asks, clear reluctance written on her face.
“Yes, of course! You’ve told me a lot about them, Sam. Your stories really touched me, you know? I think more people should learn about them!”
Her stories about her parents were normally things that Samantha kept to herself, and lately between her and Ava. Though, on the other hand, she did want people to know about how amazing they are and she didn’t have the reach to do it herself. If it was her speaking about them on social media, she might as well been talking to the wind.
After thinking deeply about it for a couple silent minutes while eating her lunch, Samantha relents. She gives Ava permission to post about her family on social media. Ava even sent the posts to Samantha for her to check if they were actually ok to share online. The content was benign and quite warm. Ava knew how to tug at people’s heart strings with her words.