There were plenty of unclear thoughts and memories, like the vague memory of standing up and moving. Of climbing a tree. Of falling out of it. Of meeting a large blue bear and killing it. Of meeting a walking mushroom and killing it. Of meeting an enormous snake and killing it. Of thinking how weird it was that I was meeting so many creatures all of a sudden. Of thinking I seemed to be killing an awful lot of things.

I can verify that I actually did meet, and kill, all those creatures, and more, because I found all their carcasses in my inventory later. I could have been disturbed by the discovery, and I was, a bit, but mostly I was pleased that even stoned out of my gourd on Jackalope venom I still had enough presence of mind to stash the loot.

Eventually, once I ran out of monsters to kill or path to follow, or both, I left the forest. From then on my memories got even foggier. I know I met some people, and I’m pretty sure I didn’t kill them. I think they ran away before I could.

My first clear memory was of a small, bright room. I was looking up at a chandelier holding dozens of lit candles. I was on my back on a bed in some kind of infirmary, judging by the various tools and vials and potions and anatomical diagrams surrounding me, and happy to discover I felt not a single bug crawling on me, real or hallucinatory.

I was shirtless, though, which troubled me a bit. I was not in the habit of taking off my shirt in public unless the situation specifically called for it.

Then I remembered getting bitten on my shoulder. It didn’t hurt anymore. It’s possible that the people in the infirmary took my shirt off when they went to treat my shoulder wound. I went to feel it, only to discover I still clutched the Jackalope’s antler in my fist. The rest of the Jackalope was still attached to it, although it seemed a lot more battered than it was before, its white fur crusted with a lot of dried blood, leaves, twigs, and dirt. Had I been holding onto it this entire time? How long had it been?

It took a lot of effort to let go of the antler. My fingers were locked around it, and I had to physically pry them free with the other hand. They remained numb for a long time afterward. When at last they had some feeling back in them, I felt my shoulder and found it completely healed.

I tried sitting up, but a sudden flood of vertigo made me lie back down right away. One more second upright and I would’ve hurled for sure.

I lay there trying to piece together how I ended up in this place, wherever it was, but there were too many gaps in my memory. So then I just lay there wondering when I’d be able to leave.

After a while, the door opened and a stranger’s face poked in. It was a man, not old but older than me, not quite middle aged, not unattractive. Forgive the vague description, but he was so unassuming I have a hard time picturing what he was really like. I just have this nebulous impression of him swirling around: a completely average Joe. He looked like he was just popping in for a peek, for all I knew he’d done it countless times before, checking to see if I was up. His head poked in, then disappeared, then poked back in a moment later as he did a literal double-take.

“Oh, you’re actually up,” he said. “Good.”

The rest of his body followed him in and came to stand beside my bed. He was not wearing healer’s robes or anything like you’d imagine a healer might wear. He wore what would pass for a nondescript business suit in this world. Unassuming. Forgettable. Normal. The only thing that stood out was a small pin on his lapel in the shape of a crimson hand.

I tried to sit up, but my head immediately began swimming again and I had to lie back down.

He put his hand out, gesturing for me to stay down. “Don’t try to sit up.”

Yeah, thanks. I looked up at him from my forced prone position and evaluated him.

Joe Median

Aid Worker

Skills:

First Aid - Competent

Negotiation - Competent

Thaumaturgy - Competent

What do you know? His name really was Joe. His Status was pretty average too, all except for that Thaumaturgy skill. That was a magic skill I hadn’t seen before. It could’ve meant anything from working miracles to doing parlor tricks. I was curious what it meant on Crucible, but it didn’t matter. Either way, I wants it, my precious!

“Where am I?”

“You’re in the Cathedral,” he said. He didn’t need to specify which, there was only one Cathedral. The one in the city center, where people went for healing. I’d never had the need to go there before, I’d either been able to heal myself with skill or potion, or I’d asked Nina for help.

If you spot this tale on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.

“How’d I get here?”

“You were brought here by the guards from the Eastern gate. Apparently, you showed up trying to get into the city and made something of a disturbance. Lucky for you they knew you.”

I had a bad feeling about things all of a sudden.

“What kind of disturbance?”

“They did not specify, but if I were to guess, you probably annoyed them at first by repeating everything they said, then tried biting them.”

“That’s a rather specific guess. What makes you think that was it?”

“Because that is what you did to us when they brought you here.”

“Ah. Really? Um, sorry about that.”

“There is no need to apologize. You were not yourself.”

“I was bitten by a Jackalope.”

“I am aware.” His eyes flickered down to the dead monster on my lap. “You were clutching it when you arrived. We were unable to make you let go, but it did give us the clue we needed to properly diagnose your situation.”

“That was lucky.”

“Quite. It is unlikely we would have known you were under the effect of the Jackalope’s Curse otherwise.”

“That’s it! A curse. I could not remember what the thing about the Jackalope’s bite was. A curse. Wait, so I’m cursed?”

“You were, but we reversed it.”

“Phew. Thanks for that.”

“You are welcome. Now, if we could just discuss the matter of the fee.”

“The fee?”

“Yes. For services rendered.”

Is that what this was? A shakedown? My eyes narrowed into slivers. “How much do I owe you?”

“Including initial exam and diagnosis, cleaning and healing of the shoulder wound, neutralization of the toxin, curse reversal, and holding fees, the fee comes to a total of nine hundred and twenty-three gold pieces.”

“Nine hundred and twenty-three? Gold?”

“Correct.”

“Damn.” This was a total shakedown.

“Normally we establish credit or operate under a pay-up-front basis, but in your case you were in no position to make such arrangements, so here we are.”

“That’s a lot of gold,” I said.

“Yes it is.”

“Like, a ridiculous amount of gold.”

“We did render some rather unique and costly services.”

“But you said the diagnosis part was simple.” I picked up the dead Jackalope and waved it around.

“Yes, but—”

“And the shoulder was just a basic heal. Any normal potion would’ve done the trick.”

“Yes, but—”

“Same with the venom. A basic neutralize poison potion would’ve fixed that.”

“Yes, but—”

“And I don’t know the going rate for reversing a curse, but even if the rest cost a hundred, that’s over eight hundred gold to deal with it. That’s a lot.”

He stopped trying to argue and stood there, silent and stoic. I got the feeling he had this kind of conversation a lot.

“I’m not going to pay it.”

I tried to sit up again, and again with the nausea.

“And why do I feel so sick when I try to move? I thought you healed me.”

“We did. The nausea comes from the holding potion we fed you.”

“The what?”

“I mentioned the holding fees in my itemized summary. The cost of the holding potion used to keep you here until you pay the fees.”

“You’re joking.”

“I never joke about my work.”

“So you drugged me so I can’t move, is that it? I don’t get the antidote until I pay you?”

“If you cannot pay, we can make other arrangements.”

“I bet you can. Like make me a slave, I bet.”

“Slavery is illegal in the city.”

“So, what, you take me somewhere else where it is legal then? Or do you call it indentured servitude instead and make me work without pay until I’ve settled my debt?”

“Actually—”

“Nevermind. I get it.”

I’d dealt with enough collection agents on Earth to know the drill. I was screwed. I’d made a fair bit of coin in my adventures, but I’d also spent a lot. I didn’t have a thousand gold. Or maybe I did...

“Well, lucky for both of us I can pay, but I need to move to get you the money.”

“We took the liberty of searching your possessions — you know, as part of our initial diagnosis — and I know that you do not have the money. But there is something you—”

“But I do have it. It’s in my inventory.” He stared at me like I was speaking a foreign language. “Er, I mean, it’s in an extra-dimensional, um, space. Oh to hell with it.”

I sat up, and immediately had to lean over the side of the bed and barf. That holding potion was simple, but effective. Pausing every other second to heave up more of my breakfast, I opened my inventory and pulled out the chest I got off the orcs. I hadn’t opened it yet, but if it was the same as last time...

I closed my eyes and focused on breathing until the world stopped spinning. It didn’t stop, but at least it slowed down a bit, so I pulled my lockpicks from the inventory next, and set to work opening the chest. I held my eyes closed as I worked, using touch and sound alone. After some fiddling, the chest issued a satisfying click and I let the lid fall open. I opened my eyes a crack, just wide enough to see a large number of shiny gold pieces inside — at least a thousand — before I fell back onto the bed and closed my eyes until the queasiness subsided.

“Can I please have the antidote now?” Then, after a moment’s consideration, I added: “And my shirt?”