When I woke up I felt warm, which was weird. Also, I didn’t have some wack ass dream about gods and cryptic messages and a bunch of other horseshit. Just, kinda turned off and restarted. It was weird after not properly sleeping for eight years. Why was my back so much warmer than my front? Turning around I see Toffee had decided that I would make a good hug pillow in the middle of the night. Though, she, uh, put an actual pillow in me to let her arms stay in the right position.
I felt like I should be blushing but couldn’t because of lacking the requisite blood. I did, however, slip lightly out of her grasp by floating upwards to the side, which unfortunately disturbed her arms enough to wake her up.
“Uh, morning Toff.”
“Ugggghhhhh.”
“Okay, not a morning person, got it.”
“Coffee for Toffee.”
“I. Huh. As in you need coffee? I can’t exactly help, I’m pretty sure it’ll just pass through.”
“Cruel.”
“I beg to disagree but oh well. C’mon, get up, meet the day enough to make yourself coffee and get going, eh?”
“Meerrrgghh.”
“Toff. I’m like 90% sure you’re just joking right now so I need you to wake up. I’m getting a wee bit tired of talking to half asleep you.”
“Spoil sport.”
“I just want to hold an actual conversation with you, ok?”
“Fine, that’s fair. Alright, Toffee, here we go, and a one and a two and a here we go!”
Toffee managed to swing herself out of bed aaaannnddd fall on the floor unceremoniously, taking the blankets off the bed with her. After about 5 seconds on the floor she stood up wrapped in the blankets, hair completely disheveled. Honestly she was adorable. She gradually let the blankets slough off as she made her way to the kitchen and started to make coffee. She did so with methodical, practiced motions. I don’t remember when I taught her to use the espresso machine I’d made so long ago but she seemed to be a master at it. I guess 8 years will do that to you.
“Hey Toff, when’d you learn to use the machine?”
“Watched you use it, wasn’t that hard.”
“I. You learned by watching me?”
“Duh. This is the only machine like it in the world I’m pretty sure because you’re some kind of genius, so obviously I had to watch you to learn how to use it.”
“Some kind of genius huh? What kind I wonder?”
“The annoying kind that asks too many questions. Now give me like five minutes to drink this coffee and then we can talk and I won’t bite your head off.”
About ten minutes passed while she enjoyed her coffee in the nice chair in the front room, her legs curled beneath her, still wearing her pajamas, which were lilac decorated with cornflowers around the edges. They looked super comfy and I kinda envied her for being able to wear clothes and be able to feel the fabric. In the past eight years I’ve tried to remove my dress, WHILE VAL WAS ASLEEP, but couldn’t catch hold of it. It was just like the rest of me: nothing.
All in all though, I felt a lot better after sleeping like a normal person. Which is weird, like, wouldn’t I no longer need biological processes? Or do I still have a mind that needs sleep but can’t make myself tired because I have no bodily hormones to do so with. If that’s the case I need to find whoever made me a ghost and punch them, god or not. It’s just a dick move. Dick. Move.
While I was ruminating on my sleep cycle and lack thereof, Toff finished her coff and seemed much brighter and more like the Toffee I’m used to.
“Alright! So. Which do you want to tackle first: your mental health or your, for lack of a better term, physical health?”
“Normally when someone asks about my mental health I tend to run away, but I feel that that’s not an option I really have right now. Still, I’d kinda prefer fixating on physical first.”
“Alright. So, you’re hurt real bad huh?”
“Kinda an understatement but yes.”
“Alright, have you tried a healing spell?”
“I-. Not on myself, no.”
“Fucking… Rose!”
“Yes!”
“Why on earth do you never think of yourself?”
“I feel that I’m plenty selfish if that’s what you mean.”
“No, like, health wise. You’re always doing this or doing that and getting hurt or hurting yourself in the process and it’s like the thought of taking a break or HEALING yourself never crosses your mind!”
“Alright, that’s unfair, in dungeons and on quests I heal myself plenty!”
“But do you know how many times you came home beat to hell and back while looking ecstatic because of the new ingredient you managed to get?”
“I don’t really see why that matters to you, but I just… get really excited and bing bang boom I’m fighting a hydra and what does it matter to you?”
“It matters because YOU matter to me dolt!”
“I. Okay. Putting that aside for right now, let me try to cast a heal on myself. Though no guarantees, the Deity of Magic already tried to patch me up but I may have ruined their efforts already.
“You. You RUINED the efforts of THE DIVINE MONARCH?!?”
“Um. Maybe.”
“Girl, please, what the fuck am I going to do with you?”
“Um. Help me?”
She let out a deep, bone weary sigh and continued.
“Yes. You’re right. I’m going to keep helping you. So try some healing and we’ll go from there.”
I figured I’d shut up and just cast the magic. I tapped my toes three times and spun around while saying “FLASH HEAL!” targeted at myself and the results were!
Less than spectacular.
“So no change huh?”
“Yerp. Status says the only change was a loss of mana.”
“Hmm. Ok, here’s an idea. Hold out your hand.”
“Okay.”
She takes my hand in both of hers. One holding my hand from underneath and the other laying gently on top, not passing through the weak resistance. She spoke in a soft, resonating voice.
“What’s mine is now yours, my power I choose to share. Mana Transfer.”
I felt a cool breeze run from my hand through my body following the path my mana was circulating in and as it passed by my wounds it didn’t blow through and leave like I thought it would. Instead it…congealed? It, and I use this word lightly knowing that it probably isn’t the correct usage but I’ll be damned if I can think of another, formed a clot and stopped most of the mana bleed. Instantly I felt the pain lessen and I took a shaky breath in. Not that it truly did anything but the mimicry of a bodily process helped me cope with the…lack of pain? I guess most people don’t need to learn to cope with that but it was kinda like I’d been constantly bracing myself for a hit and after hitting me for weeks on end someone finally told me that I could relax a little.
“Any better now?”
“I.. I feel so much better actually. It’s like, like your mana stopped the bleeding. And I’m not in as much pain. I’m…thank you Toff.”
“Yeah, well, don’t mention it. I’m glad I could help. And if it’s not a permanent fix I’m willing to do it again, though it did take most of my mana to- stabilize you I guess?”
“I’m sorry it took so much-”
“Pfft, no. Don’t say you’re sorry for this. I did it because I wanted to. Don’t demean me or yourself like that again.”
“I’m sor-”
“Nope!”
“Right. Um. Ok, cool, so now that the wounds are done with we can move on to the talismans, yeah?”
This narrative has been unlawfully taken from Royal Road. If you see it on Amazon, please report it.
“Don’t jump topics to avoid the part you don’t like.”
“Fine. Fine! Let’s talk about my mental health. I’m a fake person that might also just be broken inside. Happy?”
“No, I’m not. I’m actually distressed that that’s what you see yourself as. But I’m not a professional, I’m just your friend. I want you to see the therapist you asked me about a little bit ago.”
“I don’t need to see a therapist. See! Look at me! I’m fine now!”
“First off, yes you do. Secondly, you’re not fine, you just said that you were broken!”
“Broken people can be fine.”
“Rose, please, I’m worried about you.”
“I said I’m fine.”
“But you’re not! Have you seen yourself in a mirror lately?”
“No, I know what I look like. And mirrors are hard to come by.”
“I think you should go take a look. There’s one down the hall in the bathroom.”
“I know there’s one in the bathroom, I put it there.”
“Please Rose.”
“I- Fine. I’ll go look.”
When I made it to the bathroom I started feeling trepidatious. What did I look like these days? I can’t actually remember the last time I saw myself. Looking in the mirror after about a minute of hesitation, what I see in front of me…is still me. But instead of my usual lackadaisical grin, what I saw was someone desperately trying to smile and failing miserably. It honestly kinda scared me. I-
“How can I look so miserable when I feel fine?”
“It’s because you’re not fine. Can you see it now? I’m worried that you’re going to find some way to hurt yourself really badly for no reason other than you think that you don’t matter. Even if right now you don’t matter to yourself, you matter to me and you matter to Val. I can’t speak for them, but I know that after meeting you again after eight years of silent wondering and worry I’m so happy to have you back and I’m terrified that I’m going to lose you again so please, let me help you help yourself.”
I swallowed hard, avoiding looking at the familiar stranger in the mirror and instead looked at the nicest thing around: Toffee. I might have made this bathroom but it’s a little spartan. I had planned on decorating it at some point but never got around to it. But Toffee was still nice to look at, her coffee colored skin broken by patches of cream played well against the color of her pajamas. I would say her smile was brilliant if she was smiling. She isn’t. Instead, her face is creased with worry though her expression is gentle. I. I guess she is genuinely worried about me and now I can literally see why.
“Alright. I get it. I look like someone killed my dog and offered me a slice while holding a gun to my head and telling me to thank them for the food. I just. I don’t know what to do about…well, anything anymore. It used to be so easy to just, ignore the shit and move on like it didn’t matter and eventually I shoved and locked it all away and it stopped hurting so much. Wasn’t perfect, I’ll admit, but it wasn’t this.”
“Rose, that wasn’t healthy to begin with. Bottling up your emotions is a recipe for disaster. Didn’t you ever think to try and get help?”
“Hah. From who? Help requires money and I didn’t have any really. Enough to get by but it’s not like my parents wanted me on their insurance or anything.”
“But Rose, you’re one of the wealthiest people in this world, how can you say you just had enough to get by?”
“Because- um.”
“Because?”
Because it’s all fake. It’s all pipe dreams and fairy tales. But. But. I can’t say that to her, she just wants to help me and genuinely cares and I can’t. I can’t. I can’t reconcile the thought that she’s just an NPC running off a virtual intelligence with this, this person in front of me reaching out a hand in one of my darkest moments. It’d be awful to tell her that she isn’t real. I’m awful for telling Val that. God they must hate me. I ran away after telling them that the person they spent eight years with didn’t exist and that their reality was false. God I’m. I’m trash. Garbage of the lowest order. I might as well-
“ROSE!”
All of a sudden the dark thoughts in my mind flew away like a murder of crows and I was staring into Toffee’s too close face while her hands held my face.
“Stop it! Stop thinking whatever that was. I could see it on your face, you went from bad to worse in a flash! Do you see why I’m worried? I- I don’t want to lose you but I’m scared that if I let you go or leave you alone for more than five minutes you’re going to think yourself into doing something irreversible. So please. Talk to Leaf. See how you feel. It’ll get better, I promise.”
That’s not what I was thinking. Well, I guess I was heading there but her golden eyes are staring into my soul and I can’t help but forget the bad when faced with them. All I want is to tell her what she wants to hear, whatever will make her happier.
“O- Okay. Okay. I’ll…I’ll talk to her. I’m sorry I’m like this.”
“Stop saying you’re sorry for things that you don’t need to apologize for. I’m not mad at you, I’m worried for you. Please learn the difference.”
“Alright. I’ll try. Can you get in touch with her for me?”
“I did that last night when you got here. I was just waiting for you to ok it so that we could get you to talking with her. She’s already on her way here from the capital. She said it’ll take her about three days. So just, just hold out until then, ok?”
“I got it. I’ll keep on keeping on.”
“Now then, with that out of the way, what do you want to do?”
“Um. Can I hug you? I haven’t really ever gotten to do that except for recently and it’s really nice actually.”
“Of course you can hug me.”
She wrapped her arms around me and the faintest pressure enveloped me. But more than that, her warmth really filled me from top to bottom. It sucks that I’m some kind of warmth vampire; always taking, never giving, but that’s just what I am it seems.
I tentatively put my hands on her back and try to pull her closer to me but my hands sink through and I have to try again. A light touch, enough to hold but not to.. I dunno, properly embrace? It’s not like the hug Val gave me, though I don’t remember that one much except that I probably hurt them.
After a short eternity she let go and looked at me, a little less worry in her face.
“Doing any better now?”
“A bit. But I think I know what I’m doing next.”
“Oh?”
“Before the therapist gets here, I’m working on the talismans more. I want. I want to be able to hug you properly and make things. God it’s been so long since I made anything and it’s getting to the point where I’m about to really go out of my mind.”
“Alright. Then for now, let me be your hands.”
“Sounds good Toff.”
“So what’s first, Boss?”
“Well let’s go over what you’ve done so far to reach this effect.”
“Well I made some paper from kisper reeds.”
“What method did you use?”
“I used-
----------------------------------------
Rose was in trouble. Not physically, but mentally. The things she told me before she left made no sense to me, but I could understand that they came from some kind of deep pain in her. That’s why I begged her not to leave. She shouldn’t be on her own, she shouldn’t have to shoulder this alone.
Girraghen swiftly returned with the tea he promised and set it up on the anvil, and placed two chairs beside it. He then picked me up off the floor like I weighed nothing and plopped me in one and sat in the other. As he poured us both cups he spoke in a quiet voice, so unlike his usual, boisterous self that it shocked me.
“Alright Val, here’s some tea. I figured some mint wouldn’t go amiss, helps me calm down at least and I reckon we could both use it at the moment.”
“I don’t need to calm down. I need to find her! How- Where- Why did she leave when I asked her to stay?” My voice quavered as I found myself on the verge of tears; the adrenaline leaving me cold and scared.
“She’s stubborn as an ass, for one. Once she makes up her mind it’ll take all the king’s horses and men to convince her otherwise. Second, she sees ya as someone to protect. I think that her first thought, outside of whatever darkness was rearing it’s ugly head, was to keep ya safe from that darkness inside her. Possibly to preserve her image as dependable fer ya, despite the fact that she ran away like a deadbeat. Really, we can only hope she realizes her own nonsense sooner than later and lets us know she’s alright.”
“She should depend on me when she needs it. I’m not a child anymore! I- I can protect her!”
“Physically yes, I’m sure ya can. But yer wrong. Ya have the strength of an adult but are still growin’. Yer young and there’s no way ya can have the experience needed to truly help her help herself in this I think. Would it be good for ya to be there to help comfort her when she’s going through it? Maybe. I do think she finds respite in yer presence and conversation. However she shouldn’t and doesn’t want to make ya share the weight of her trauma. Just as ya wish to protect her, she wants to protect you.”
“But- But- I just- I don’t know anymore.”
“And that’s alright Val. Ya don’t need to understand it all. I won’t tell you ta relax, I think we’re past that right now, but I will tell ya to take it easy for right now, get yer thoughts in order and let her know yer alright and that ya miss her. She may not respond right away but it’s good ta do what’cha can ta let her know yer still there. I’m not much of a devout man, god-fearin sure but not devout, but I agree with the temple-types that faith is key in many parts of life. So, join me in havin’ faith in the girl to pull herself together.”
“... Alright. You’re right. I should have faith in her. It won’t do me any good to jump the gun and run after her.”
“Right, she said where she was goin’ to. She’s back in her old shop, the place she calls home. She might have someone there ta help her sort herself out. Who knows, this might not take near as long as it might’ve otherwise. All we can do is have faith and show her we’re here when she needs us.”
“Sure.”
“Now then!” He downed the rest of his tea and stood up, dusting off his hands. “Let’s figure out what yer gonna do next. If you want to try and rush straight to Rose I won’t stop ya, but I will warn ya off it. It’s a long ways from here and ya shouldn’t journey that far on your lonesome. If ya ask me, which ya haven’t but I’ll tell ya anyways, you should look for someone to make the journey with. They don’t have to be strong as you, else ya’d be lookin all year, but someone ya get along with well that’s willing ta go with ya. Besides that, I think ya’d enjoy spendin’ time here with me learnin’ what’cha can from me to show Rose later when she’s in a better place. Asides from that, I don’t have any recommendations other than ta take it easy and not rush yourself in any one direction. Rose sets a bad example as she’s too hard on herself.”
“Someone to travel with? The only person I can think of is Rose.”
“Well that’s fair, she’s been with you all this time, but I hate to tell ya it’s an answer that won’t work this time. Consider your options on who you’ve met and who knows? Maybe ye’ll meet someone else that’d be happy ta go with ya.”
“Right. Of course. As much as I want to go after Rose…maybe you’re right that i should study here for a while.”
“Sounds good. I’m happy ta have ya join me here. I’m sure Nat and Votive’d be happy to hear it as well. Well, Nat at least. Votive’s a bit wary of ya.”
“I can see why that would be the case.”
“Aye. Still, it was probably for the best Rose got so indignant about the work. I try not to watch the apprentices like a hawk, I find it tends to put unnecessary pressure on them that shows in the quality of their work. Still, lessons learned are lessons learned. Right, now then, you’ve just woken up and had a bad morning I’d say, so let’s set ya ta work to get yer mind off of it.”
“Of course sir.”
“Now then, I’d like it if ya could show me what Rose has taught you practically starting from the top. Well, at least in the blacksmithing field. Not sure how I’d judge most others, I’m a bit of a specialist. She’s the odd one out fer being a jack of all trades, master of all.”