“Valkyrie! Valkyrie! Val, gods be damned wake up! Lord of the Flame wake up!”

As I’m coming around with a smith hammering out the dent in my skull from the inside, Girraghen is shaking me and shouting my name while Rose’s sobbing fills my ears and chills my soul. As soon as Girraghen’s four twins coalesce back into him, I shakily stand to my feet and stumble over to Rose. She’s hovering close to the ground, curled up in a ball of tears and misery. What happened to break her down like this?

“Rose. Rose are you- no, you’re obviously not okay. It’s ok Rose, it’s ok. I’m back, I’m here.” I kneel next to her, hands hovering near her without touching yet. She’s completely unresponsive; ignoring me completely, trapped in whatever nightmare that’s consuming her. I gulp once and finish moving my hands, wrapping around her shoulders and holding her tight to me. She feels so fragile but also so real. It’s like she’s the only thing in this world that exists in this moment and yet she’s hurting so much it breaks my heart to pieces. As I hold her she keeps sobbing for a long while but eventually the sobs turn to heaves and then to just heavy breathing.

“Rose, you’re safe now. You’re safe and I’m here and you’re here and we’re together and it’ll be okay, I promise.”

Rose doesn’t respond with words, just turns slightly and hugs me tightly like I’m the only thing in her world which, thinking on it harder, might be somewhat true. As far as I’m aware, I’m the first thing she’s been able to actually touch in 8 years. I can’t even imagine it. I thought I was cheated for not being hugged but what would it be like to feel nothing for 8 years? She’s clutching me like a lifeline, too hard to feel good for me but that’s ok, if nothing else I can be here for her to cling to. She buries her face in my chest and goes back to crying. Now I know why Peri helped me practice. I slowly start rubbing circles on her back and can feel the dress she’s always in, presumably the only thing she can wear anymore. Gods can she even feel the dress?

We stay like that for longer than I can really keep track of but in the end she lets go and looks at me with dull eyes and punches me in the gut with her words.

“Val. You’re the only thing in this world that’s real to me. If you tell me something’s real or true I’ll believe you but until you do, I, I think everything around us is just fake. Fake, like I am. Val, you’re the only thing that’s real and I’m just… just a shadow of a copy of a memory of someone that was never real. If you ever get tired of me haunting you, just let me know and I’ll disappear.”

“No! Rose, you’re real. You’re real to me, more so than anything else I’ve ever known. You can never disappear or else I’d just have to spend my life looking for you. You said that if I said something’s real then you’d believe me, right? Then the first thing I’ll say is real is you. You’re not just some shadow or copy or whatever, you’re my best friend and I can’t live without you.”

“Ahh, that’s the only thing I can never believe I think. I’ll stop talking about it for now, but I don’t think you can convince me otherwise to be honest. But don’t worry about me, ok? I’ve never been worth caring for anyway. Alright, I’m better now! Let’s go mess with Girraghen or something, eh?”

“Rose! You’re not better! You just told me not to care about you but how could I possibly not?! You’re the only one that’s ever cared about me and that goes both ways! Rose, don’t just…don’t just act like you don’t matter, because you do! You matter more to me than I do to me! Don’t say-

“Val, don’t say nonsense like that. You matter more to me than anyone so don’t value yourself less than that, ok? You’re worth so much more than I am and you still have a life to live ahead of you! One day you’ll move on and that’ll be great for you! You just, just don’t worry about me, ok? It’s alright to be selfish, care about yourself more. Life is hard and it’s worse when you worry about people that don’t want it. I’ll be fine, if you want me to hang around still I guess I will. So stop crying and I will too. I’m just, just going to go off by myself for a bit.

“Rose, please don’t go! I’m scared that you’re just going to disappear forever on me somehow and I don’t think I could stand that. So please…don’t go. Just stay here and we’ll keep talking like we always do and you’ll realize that I… that I love you more than anything else.”

“Val, I love you too but it’s…it’s too hard to be around other people right now. My head’s so messed up and I just… need some time to get it all in order.”

“But I could help you get it in order! I want to help you! Please!”

“Val, you’re my little sibling, there’s no way I can put this on you. All I‘d do is mess you up like I am. So, give me some time. If you want to find me again, come to Reinhold. I’m the little shop out in the boonies by Perpetuity. I’ll be waiting for you, ok?”

“No! No please! I don’t want you to leave!”

“Sorry Val, I’l see you soon, ok? I know you’ll do well. Maybe stick with Girraghen for a bit, learn a thing or two and show me next time we meet up, ok?”

“WHY WON’T YOU LISTEN TO ME!?!? Don’t go!”

I felt her hand ruffle my hair and for the first time felt her kiss my forehead like she has for years and then she floated up a bit and snapped with one hand and swept her hat off her head in a grandiose bow, as the hat moved over her body she vanished until nothing of her was left.

“ROSE!!! What am I supposed to do now?”

I truly broke down this time, curling up into a ball similar to the one I’d found Rose in at the start of this disaster and just, felt. And hurt. I heard a slightly rough voice cough once and speak behind me in a small voice.

“Guess I’ll go make you some tea then. We’ll get her back Val, don’t worry.

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I finally got to convey some of my feelings for Val to them physically, which was good. I was never shown anything like physical affection from anyone in my family but my little sister, and even that was just an occasional hug when I did something for her. I always wanted to have someone to be close to like that and I’d given up on it long before I died. It was really nice, though I don’t know if I did it right. It’s hard to do something you’ve only ever seen on TV or in movies and have it work like you want it to.

I had to go though. I couldn’t let them see me break down constantly. I’m supposed to be their support but when I’m broken myself there’s no way I can be there for them. Girraghen will take care of them, he’s changed a lot in this past decade or so, mellowed out considerably so I think it’ll be good for Val. Is that just an excuse? I don’t know. It feels fake, but I’ve always been fake so what else is new.

As I chuckle hollowly to myself I finally notice that there’s someone else in the room I’m in. I, uh, also remember that I’m in a room that’s both familiar and alien. It’s my house, obviously, so it’s familiar. All the stains and burn marks that wouldn’t come off are still there. But almost all of the furniture has been moved around, repaired, or replaced entirely. Where I’d had a couple dozen bunches of herbs hung to dry at any given time, now there’s a few woven charms and talismans throughout the place.

Sitting at the counter looking at me wide-eyed is a familiar face that hasn’t changed since I died. Toffee’s light brown skin broken up by patches of much paler color seemed healthy, so she must be taking care of it. Her pointed ears were drooping down in what I knew was an elven expression of worry, and she seemed to be saying something to me. Unfortunately, I was still a little deaf from teleporting so I shrugged at her, tapped my ear and crossed my arms in an x and mimed typing to her.

Stolen content alert: this content belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences.

New Message from Toffer “Toffee” Zendzana

Chat with Toffee:

Toffee: What the heck Boss!? Not even a warning before you pop into existence next to me?!? Not a “hey heads up Toffee, gonna drop by the place later, get ready so you don’t spit out your coffee and AREN’T WEARING YOUR PAJAMAS?!?”

Rose: Um. Sorry about that, Toff. I just. I feel a little broken right now and needed to come home for a bit. I’m sorry I didn’t say anything to you first. I should’ve, you’re right.

Toffee: Wait wait wait. Something’s really wrong, you didn’t cuss at or poke fun at me once. And broken?! Does that have something to do with all THE HOLES IN YOUR BODY?!

Rose: It, um, has a lot less to do with the holes than you’d think, actually. But, um, I did visit Lady Death? And that fucked me up really badly. Like, you know how you purposely forget memories that just hurt you? Well I remember all of those now so it hurts a lot. I’m just, not in a good headspace right now and didn’t want to **** up Val with my shitty problems.

“Hey, can you hear me yet? I’m sick of typing to you when we’re two feet from each other.”

“Yeah, yeah I can Toff.”

“Jeezy Creezy Bo- Rose, are you ok?”

“I think I’ve made it clear that I’m decidedly not, thus the whole ‘running away back home’ thing.”

“Yeah, stupid question, sorry. Is, is there anything I can do for you? Tea? Coffee? Um, shoulder to cry on?”

“I can’t drink anything dummy. But, um, I might appreciate someone listening to me for a bit.”

“That I can do! Here, let me get another cup of coffee and I’ll be right back. Actually, if you feel up to it, just come with me. Then we’ll come back, I’ll go find a good chair to sit in and you can, I dunno pretend to sit in one? How corporeal are you?”

“As far as I know, completely incorporeal.”

“Hmm. Wait! The talismans!”

“What about them?”

“How do you think I can see and hear you?”

“I- huh. Yeah, talismans I guess?”

“Yep! As long as you’re in this house people can see you. Um, do you mind if I try to touch you?”

“I mean, go ahead. I’d love it if you could.”

“Hmm. Dirty. Sorry, first thought worst thought. Anyway.”

She held out a hand to me and I met it half way. I felt a small amount of resistance, not anything like actual contact but something was a lot better than nothing.

“Alright, so, some progress but it’ll take us a bit to fine tune and overcharge or whatever you want to do to get you back here with me again.”

“What’d’ya mean by that Toff?”

“I mean, you’re home again! So shouldn’t we get back in business? I’m ready to send the message to my boss saying I quit as soon as you say the word. But coffee first!”

“Don’t jump the gun or anything Toff. I don’t know how I’d do that right now, I’m so messed up right now.”

I followed Toffee at a slow pace into the kitchen which, unlike the main room, looked roughly the same. The pots, pans, and utensils I made ages ago were all still there, looking as good as the day they were forged. The ice chest I enchanted was still covered in a thin layer of frost. The preservation runes on the cabinets and shelves were all intact, though a little worn. They should’ve been serviced about a year ago, they’re clearly losing strength. When newly installed, they could keep food in the same condition forever. Now I’d be surprised if they kept food fresh for a month. Well, still better than a regular fridge. Toffee moves over to the first contraption I’d made when I got the place: the coffee maker. Sweet mana from heaven or wherever you get coffee beans from in this world.

With well practiced movements she pours herself a fresh mug. Man I would kill for some coffee right now. I follow her to the main room where she goes to a chair I’d made ages ago with some red cotton I’d gotten from a quest chain. The stuff was too thick to really make into clothes of any kind that would be comfortable to wear so I figured it’d be good for upholstery. It used to be my favorite chair for coffee breaks. Guess Toff agreed.

“Alright Bo- Rose. I want to hear it all. Everything that you’ve gone through but kept from me, all the little things that make you doubt or hurt yourself, physically or emotionally. I want to help you as best I can but I need to know what’s going through your head first. You don’t have to tell me anything but everything you feel comfortable sharing I’ll hear.”

“Alright then… So I didn’t have great parents-

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Over the course of the rest of the day and several cups of coffee later, Rose told me about herself and her life. She spoke of her parent’s abuse, about her gender, about how she wasn’t originally from this world and had seen it as a kind of game, how that’s how all her friends from back then saw it. How she had always been made to feel like less than a real person, how she felt like she was fake no matter what she did: in her world she couldn’t stand pretending to be a boy, in this world she was always scared that people would realize that she wasn’t a “real” girl.

She told me about how she died, how her parents let her eat dinner when they usually didn’t and how, after she logged into the “game”, she started to hurt and eventually died. She talked about meeting Val, about their time together and how she felt that maybe everything would be fine. She pushed the thoughts of being fake away so that she could better focus on taking care of Val to the greatest extent she could. She talked about all her meetings with the gods and how many questions they left her with.

And finally she spoke of the visit to Lady Death and how confusing and painful it was. She spoke of waking up to find Val there trying to comfort her and how wrong that felt to her, because she was the one that protected Val in her mind, and to see them so full of worry and concern for her felt like a betrayal of all that she had stood for.

When she was done she looked hollowed out and empty, like a shell of her usual vibrant self. Now I’m starting to question how much of that image was a carefully crafted mask and how much was truly her. I stood up from my chair, a little wobbly from sleep deprivation, and did what I could to hold her. She cried quite a bit, which was weird cause I couldn’t feel the tears, just the heaving sobs. Eventually she straightened herself and took a shaky breath and let out a hollow laugh, breaking my heart with each new noise.

“Thanks Toff. I… I needed that I think. It helped me get my thoughts in order. I’m…maybe not broken? But still real fucked up. I still don’t want Val to see me until I can pull myself together for a long enough period of time.”

“Just be careful you don’t take this excuse to hide from them forever. You care too much about them to become a deadbeat sister.”

“You’re right. I’ll go back, or they’ll come to me. It’s just that I need some time. Who knows, maybe I’ll figure out the talismans. I’m probably going to need your help with them. Assuming you’re the one that made them that is.”

“I am. And I can totally walk you through the process…in the morning. I seriously need some sleep right now.”

“Alright. See you in the morning I guess.”

“Oh no you don’t. I’m not letting you out of my sight. You’re coming with me.”

“What? Um um what?”

“You heard me. You can feel some resistance to things now, yeah? That means you can lay on the other side of the bed. I’m already in my pajamas so I just need to brush my teeth and I’ll be all set.”

“But I can’t sleep on my own? I…I don’t want to go back to some other god and get more cryptic shit shoved in my head.”

“Well that’s what happens when you run out of mana, yeah? I can give you some of mine and can also cast Sleep on you. It sucks that you can’t target yourself with it, but I know enough general magic to do that much at least.”

“I. Is there anyway I can get out of this?”

“Now Rose, why would you want to get out of sleeping next to your dear employee and good friend that just wants to help you?”

“Because…um…no reason.”

“Exactly. Now, let’s get going, shall we?”

“Yes ma’am.”

Finally! God she’s so stubborn sometimes. It’s a good thing I can be so persuasive. Also, I’m just so worried about her when she says she’s only slept like, three or four times in like eight years. That’s insane. I don’t care about body or not, that’s over working yourself. I quickly brush my teeth and gesture for her to lay down on the bed first. She does so slightly awkwardly, and I follow and slide in next to her.

I look at her long enough to make eye contact and before she can dart her eyes off again, I gently poke her forehead and her eyes immediately close and I hear soft noises from her. I hope she sleeps well for a long time. Now then, time to sleep myself. I brush a bit of hair back from her face and close my own eyes, hand holding hers, begging her to stay here with me again.