"No. No, stop it already with this bullshit!“, Bucks still tries to bargain, but Steve talks back provocative: "Oh sure, you can make up some other explanation that would suit you, like you did with the Hydra tank and the amnesia gas and the wires that you think I saw!“, his friend steps back a foot, as if hit, "But face it Bucks, you are no longer in control of everything, because now you're sharing the dream with me! And I'm real! I'm your real friend, and I'm here to get you back into the real world!“ "What?!“, his buddy interrupts, "How... Where do you want to take me? … Why?“ "Why?“, Cap gives back with a teary smile, "Because I'm your best friend, because I want you to be healthy, and because I miss you!“
The last words just slipped out by themselves. He had not planned on saying something so selfish. Bucky blinks a few times, shaking his head slowly, but loosening his grip on the knife, so Steve carefully steps aside, and then quickly pulls up his trousers to cover himself again. Bucks absentmindedly also puts his junk back, but he mutters: "You're saying, I'm dreaming this? But you're real, and you can talk to me?“ His face still looks unbelieving and alert, but Steve insists: "Yes! Damn Bucky, I've been trying to tell you...“, when his friend interrupts again with a raised hand, repeating: "This is fake? But you, you are from the real world?“
"Yes!“, Steve confirms, yet Bucks face hardens, as he starts to list: "You are from a world, where Howard and Peggy are dead? Our friends are dead, and Tony is an orphan? Peggy died of old age, and Howard... Howard was killed?“ Now Steve has to look away, a lump forming in his throat, and even more when his friend assumes correctly: "And I killed him?“ He turns to him to ask: "So, you remember?“ "No!“, Bucks insists hurt, "But when he asked, who'd have killed him, you turned to look at me.“ Steve feels awkward about this, and even more when his buddy assures himself: "So, I killed our friend?“ Cap just nods, and Bucks guesses: "Was that something Hydra made me do?“
Steve reluctantly explains: "Yes. They sent you on a mission to kill Howard and his wife. But he was married to a lady named Maria. Peggy never married.“ He has to look past him, but Bucks figures it out anyways: "Because she was waiting for you?“ Steve nods again and looks at his feet. It sounds as if his friend is starting to remember things, as he concludes: "So... I'm swimming in a tank with you, dreaming of a world where everything is alright? Where I'm not a murderer, where all our friends are okay... And where I have a nice home, and a family, and a loving husband, but it's all fake?!“ The 'loving husband' bit feels like a punch in Steve's stomach, but he raises his head to look into Bucky's eyes to confirm: "Yes. It's a perfect dreamworld.“
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The White Wolf turns to pace back and forth nervously, shaking his head in shock. Cap gives him time, still trying to wrap his wounds and focus on their pain, instead of the one growing in his chest at seeing his buddy so distressed. "So, you don't love me.“, Bucky suddenly gives back, and it breaks Steve's heart, so he quickly corrects him: "I do! I love you, but...“ However, Bucky raises his knife to point at him, shushing him: "No! No, YOU do not love me! Steve loves me. He always loved me, and I loved him...“ Rogers' frustration returns, as he agrees: "Yes, I know you do, and of course I loved you back, I still do!“ But Bucks shakes his head, and he starts to specify: "I would bring him homework. Make sure he drank his liver juice, even though he hated it. I'd always look out for him, tried to calculate risks that might trigger one of his illnesses, because I wanted him to be safe and happy!“ Steve nods, but his old comrade continues: "And he'd try and back out, whenever I went to dance, so he wouldn't be a 'burden', so I could just enjoy myself, because he wanted me to be happy too!“
Cap is starting to furrow his brows, and unsure where this is going, lets his sergeant talk: "And he broke the rules, went to look for my unit in the war, because he wouldn't accept I was dead! He risked getting court-martialed for me. Because he loved me. And when he got me out of that torture chamber, the first thing I asked him, was if his transformation hurt!“, Rogers' eyes get big as he remembers, thinking how strange it sounds now, "Because I didn't care, what Hydra did to me! I was afraid I would never get home and be able to take care of Stevie, protect him, provide for him. And when he showed up like that, that was my first concern: How he felt! Because I loved him.“
Cap's mouth is dry, and he looks back at his buddy embarrassed, who glares at him, closing: "We were each others' everything! We always looked out for each other. Wanted each other to be happy. That was my Stevie! But you!“, a tear is running out of his left eye, slowly making it's way down his cheek, "You do not care, how I feel!“ Rogers shakes his head and objects: "Of course I care about you! That's why I'm here! If you stay here, you may never wake up again, you'll die in this fake world, because your body isn't healing anymore! You stopped fighting to get better, to get back to us!“
Barnes blinks a few times, but then confidently scoffs: "Exactly!“ When Cap just stares back dumbfounded, he explains: "I'm not pointing a loaded gun to my head. Steve would never accept that, committing suicide. But what you're telling me, means all I'm doing is floating in a tank, slowly letting some illness take me away. Basically refusing life prolonging procedures. Because I would return to a world where I'm a monster. A killer, without family, without friends, without a home, alone.“ "But you wouldn't be alone!“, Steve emphasizes, "You still have me!“ "As a friend. Right?“, Bucky hums gloomy, "As one of many. Sure, we go back a long way. But that's where the special treatment ends, right?“
And when Cap doesn't answer he elaborates: "So, those are my options: Be an outcast, and have a best buddy, who I can watch have a wife and family, growing old as a third wheel, observing his happiness from the shadows?“, Steve looks at his feet guilty, "Or stay in a delusion, where I finally, finally get to be happy? Not worry about him, but enjoy life with him by my side? Raising our beautiful children together, meeting our friends for some fun past time, or working with them as heroes to protect our family, our home, and our world?“ He suddenly steps close to his friend and resting his sad eyes on him whispers: "You wanna know, what my Stevie would say to that?“ Cap opens his mouth, but can't speak, and when he hesitates for too long, Bucks answers: "He would have turned on his heel to back out, wishing me a happy life! Because no matter how you look at it: He. Did. Love. Me!“
Somehow it makes sense to Steve. And seeing his best friend's tortured expression, the lines on his forehead as clear as before, he wants to agree. But he can't. Not just because life is too precious to let it go to waste like this. Not because Bucks could still have a happy ever after with whoever, build up a new home, a new reputation for himself. Not because it is the right thing to do. But because Cap can't let go. He can't just turn on his heel and wish him a good life in this delusion, no matter how happy he would be to spend the end of his days there. Steve can't let him go.
This text was taken from Royal Road. Help the author by reading the original version there.
It's selfish. The most selfish thing he'll ever do. But he also doesn't want to break Bucky's heart like this. Showing him, revealing to him, that he's right, that his whole life lies in ruins, and the only person he cares about can never give him what he craves for so much. That there really is no home to come back to, and that he's damned to either get over him, or stay lonely forever. Steve doesn't want to disappoint him like that. And he remembers doctor Banner's words: 'The psyche has more bearing on health than any pill ever would. If he doesn't want to get well and wake up, there is nothing you can do, to change that.'
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How can Cap show his friend, that his life is still worth living? Despite his gruesome past. Despite his complicated relationship with Tony, the Avengers, and Shield. Despite his lack of a safe and happy home and family. What else was left? Only Steve. Only his friendship. And his love for his childhood friend. Sadly, just a platonic love. One that would never lead to having children together. Without any romantic touching. A hug at most. No close cuddles. No holding hands. No kissing. And certainly no sex. Ever.
'But Bucky had had romantic partners in the past!', Steve thinks, 'He went on dates with gals. And made love to them...' Cap remembers a little bitter, how Bucky sometimes brought home a lady, and took her to his room for some fun. He would try and be discreet, but Steve always knew. And it made him jealous every time. His only comfort lay in the certainty, that they would be gone in the morning. And that they never truly meant anything to his friend. But now he suddenly knows why.
So he's back to square one. If Steve is all that's left for Bucky to come home to, and even he rejects him in a way, denying him the physical pleasures a partner could give him, why would he want to wake up to such a reality? Just to have someone remind him: 'Hey, remember how I was sick and weak, and you would do anything for me? And how I never made it up to you, once I was big and strong, because I was busy having women moon over me? And how I dropped you in the Alps to be mistreated by Hydra, and never went looking for you?' Yeah, great prospect!
Desperate, Steve thinks: 'I have to find a good reason for him to come with me. I need to convince him, that he will still be happy with me, somehow!' Just then the White Wolf asks gloomy: "So, now what? Are you gonna leave me too? Or are you going to force me to come with you?“ Steve needs to buy some time, so, not sure where to go from here, he confesses: "I can't force you to come with me! You need to want it yourself.“ Bucks snorts: "Yeah right... doesn't that sound familiar...“, letting his head hang in a frown, crossing his arms.
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Suddenly Steve gets an idea. It's crazy, and he has no clue how or why it could help his friend, but a thought is forming in his head, and so, changing his stand, his expression, even his voice, he turns back to him, to huff: "Fuck. And I thought I had you!“ His friend gives him a startled look, but Cap only presses against his ear, as if trying to speak to someone, calling: "Subject still resisting! Up the dosage!“ Bucky takes his gun back out, pointing it at him while growling: "Oh I knew it! Shit, I fucking knew it!“ Cap smirks: "Ha, you still want to intimidate me? Shoot me! Someone else will take my place as your precious Stevie! You cannot escape us!“ His friend's terrified expression almost makes him reconsider his approach, but then the White Wolf suddenly aims the gun at himself, and Steve screams: "No Bucky wait! I didn't mean it! We need you to stay alive!“ But then Bucks just shoots himself. And that's when Steve finally gets the last proof, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that this must be a dreamworld. Because it starts to collapse.
His friend's body is falling back as if in slow motion, eyes turning white, while the concrete wall becomes transparent, the gravel beneath his feet liquefying, the lighting changing to a soft dark blue, and another screeching sound erupting from above, even though no train is passing overhead. "Bucky! Bucky, please, I... I know some part of you can still hear me! I know you're still alive, because... because I wouldn't start changing the setting.“, Cap tries to calm himself, "But you would, of course you would, because you want to save yourself. Well I'll help you! I will save you! Look, how about this...“, Steve tries desperately to focus, while the area around him becomes an endless gray void, scaring him, "Hey, yes, you are in a tank! Hydra caught you. On our last mission! When we went in that shed! They took you from me, when we were passed out!“
The chaos seems to slow down, and the old military base re-appears, a little crude and without a sky, but he can recognize some structures. The subconscious starts to show Bucky being tortured, and Steve is shocked, so he quickly shouts: "But when they captured you, they just put you into the tank! Because... because they need you to comply, they froze you! And because...“, he gets an idea, "Bucky, you broke your arm in that explosion! The left one! That's why they put you in the tank at all, they tried to override your mind, while they wanted to heal your arm! It's still badly hurt, and when we get you out, you'll need some rehab, but it will be okay! I'll save you!“
Cap hopes this way Bucks will focus on growth and healing of his body. He keeps making it up as he goes along, the world around him changing like an animated playdoh video: "They wanted to figure out... no, they wanted to wait, till that was done, so they could use you, but we found you first! That's why you still need some rehab! You have to stay at Shield a few days, run tests... and they help with your arm, but you need to take care of it. You'll need at least like... like a few weeks, until it's completely healed!“
Steve hopes, this way he can buy himself some time, to figure out how to gain back his friend's trust, get him to believe him, follow him. He also remarks, that the injuries Bucks has inflicted on him, have disappeared, and his shirt is untorn again. It all still scares him a bit, but now that he feels himself taking control, he's able to fight it down, and focus instead on his task: "We'll get you out... first to Shield, and you'll sleep for a while, but I will be there, when you wake up! Like I promised! Like I'd always promise you, okay?“
To his relief, he can see it happen, like a movie in his mind: the Avengers and himself, raiding the base once more, saving Bucky's body, bringing it to the Quinjet to fly to Shield, where Banner and Stark hook it up to monitors, putting the arm in a sling. Cap is suddenly also in uniform, but tries to redirect the scenery: "I'll be there, because they will call me, before it happens. Because I'll be home. With our kids. Taking care of them, and protecting them, telling them, that their Babbi is safe with Shield. You are safe, Bucky!“ Steve gets even more confident, when he can see the subconscious comply, showing him how Bucks gets taken care of by the doctors, himself in third person parting from his friend, giving him a kiss on the forehead.
To find himself back in their home, in first person, standing in the hall, while reality seems to become stable, sound, sight, smell and touch getting more intense, until he is able to perceive them vividly. And then notices them fade, the way they would normally, when you're not focusing on attentiveness, but just going about your day. And this time, when the two children come running down the stairs, shouting: "Daddy, Daddy!“, Steve is ready. Opening his arms, and giving them a smile, knowing that this whole world is connected to his and Bucky's mind. Wanting to show him, that he will do anything to make his friend happy, in this world and the next, Cap picks up the kids, whirling them around, willing to play the part of that loving father and husband, showing off all the love he is able to give.
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