Steve manages to get cleaned and dressed without further problems, although his friend seems giddy at getting him back home. During the quick breakfast Coulson insisted they'd have, he keeps dropping little remarks Cap can't quiet place, fearing it might have to do with more intimacy he'd like to avoid. When his friend leads him to a parked motorcycle in Shield's garage, he has to elegantly coax Bucky into driving, as he wouldn't know where to go. His buddy seems very surprised, but gives him another happy beam that makes him feel guilty, still not sure, how he can sit him down to tell him that none of this is real. Least of all, their relationship.
He's a bit surprised that Bucks gives him a helmet to wear, one with an American flag and an eagle on it. For some reason the eagle has a pink sticker of a flower on its head, like an ornament. Bucky likewise puts on a helmet, one that is black with a red star, and the face of a white wolf on the side. But it's also been upgraded with stickers, three little ghosts that seem to dance around the wolves ear. It makes him wonder: 'Did we babysit for Hawkeye's kids some time? Why would we put stickers on our helmets?' The ghosts even look like they would glow in the dark.
Just as he's getting used to the situation, adjusting to hold on to Bucky during the ride, he hears him speak, quiet clearly: "Well, ready tiger? Hold on tight, you know I like to race!“ And with that, he starts the engine, and jumping forward with a roar, drives out of the building, and onto the road leading to the highway. "Yahoo!“, he cries excited, while Steve is left gasping: "Just, watch the road, okay?“ Their helmets must be connected somehow. He wonders if it's Stark tech, or something standard he just didn't know of. But he can hardly form a clear thought, as Bucky maneuvers through traffic at high speed, cutting corners, and sending them flying over bumps, so that Steve holds him tighter than he had planned to.
It's a shame he can't enjoy it, still worrying over how to speak to his friend. Maybe the White Wolf noticed, because he suddenly asks: "Say, everything alright? You're awfully quiet back there!“ Steve huffs back evasive: "And you're driving awfully fast!“ "Well, I just can't wait to get home!“, Bucks responds, also breathing a bit louder. Steve gulps, but tries to joke: "Just because you can't wait to get home, doesn't mean you need to push our luck of getting there at all!“ He hears him chuckle, and then return: "Okay, I'll slow down for you. We're almost there anyways!“
Just then, he turns to exit the highway, and slowing down continuously, navigates the bike to a street lined with nice homes, a bit more upper class, with small front gardens. Steve actually recognizes them. His apartment back before Fury had to leave Shield was a bit further down, although he didn't drive home this way a lot. But the buildings still look familiar, making him wonder again: 'Is it Bucky's mind, that's dreaming this up? Or is it mine? It's so detailed...'
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They're almost at the end of the road, when Bucky slows down to a halt, in front of one of the bigger homes, only connecting to another house on one side. It looks quiet expensive and actually too big for roommates to share. Then again, it does seem very homely, and perhaps this is something Bucky longed for, Steve thinks. They get off the motorcycle, and Cap takes down his helmet to gaze at the building, and the surrounding neighborhood, while the White Wolf opens the front gate. And then pushes the bike through, to place on a little paved area, where a second motorcycle, a small shed, and some trashcans are standing.
Then he takes his helmet off, and grinning comes back to grab Steve's hand, pulling him towards the entrance, not even closing the gate or grabbing their luggage, saying: "Come on, I thought you couldn't wait to get home either!“ "Uhm, sure.“, Steve stutters, "Just trying to get used to being home again...“ "You'll get used quick enough!“, Bucks promises, unlocking the door, and Steve suddenly gets scared, fearing he might mean something less domestic and more adult by this. Then he flinches again, when pulling him inside, Bucks lifts his other hand to his mouth to give out a sharp whistle with two fingers.
And then looks back at him with a happy smile, asking: "Wanna place bets who'll come first?“ Steve is still unsure, if this is an innuendo, and is grimacing again to not stare back in shock, but then a small black and white Pomeranian runs up to them, yipping a few times and wagging it's tail furiously, to start jumping up at them both. It seems so absurd that Steve bursts out into relieved laughter, bowing down to pet the little canine, while Bucks simply states: "Well, no need to place bets on Pikachu alright!“
While Steve tries to calm down himself and the small dog still yipping happily, he can finally take in his surroundings. The short hall they are standing in opens to two larger rooms left and right, and leads to a staircase covered with a beige rug, while the floor is made of dark wooden panels. A matching cupboard is standing on the right, where the door opened to, left there is a wardrobe, where Bucky is putting their helmets away. He can hear some clicking noise coming from the right, and then a gray and black Saint Bernhardt comes into view, slowly walking up to them, the claws skidding over the hard floor.
Bucks now goes down too, to greet the clearly older dog and pet it, saying in a paternal voice: "Aww, poor Albert, need your nails clipped again, hm?“ Steve smiles, and recalling Peggy's words understands what she meant with 'They will manage'. They do live together and have dogs. Correction, they have pets, because when his friend gets up again, he remarks: "Oh, and of course, mustn't forget his royal highness!“, looking a little into the left room, where a scratching post is joining the wall, and Bucks salutes a chubby, beige cat: "Captain!“ The feline just yawns and stretches, but lets the brunette pet its chin. "It's like a zoo in here!“, Steve remarks overwhelmed, as the older dog retreats to the right again. "Yeah, I wonder where the monkeys are!“, Bucky jokes and calls: "Sharon?“, while the Pomeranian follows the Saint Bernhardt.
"Coming!“, Steve hears from the upper floor, and then the young Shield woman descends the stairs. She greets him with a smile: "Hi Steve! Hi James! Had a good trip?“, making her way down. "Oh, hi Sharon!“, Cap answers a bit timid, and Bucks asks her: "Hi Sharon. What up, they give you any trouble? Did ya ground them?“, but hugging her, when she reaches the last step. "Nah, all's fine. We just had a bath. You know how they are!“, she returns, giving him a peck on the cheek, which he copies. Then she moves to Steve, also kissing him, so he hugs back and returns the favor, a little shy, while she asks: "Are you feeling better, Steve? Mom said you had a heart attack from that mission, are you okay?“ It's all so confusing to him, he just nods and stutters. "Yeah, yes, I'm fine.“, hardly registering the noise from upstairs. Until it is too late.
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"Daddy!!! Babbi!!!“, two shrill high voices are screaming in canon, and Steve freezes in shock, while two kids are running down the stairs, almost falling the last steps. Just to be caught by Bucky, who whirls them around with a radiating smile, laughing: "There you are! Oh we missed you so much!“, and kissing them. The children, a little boy and a girl, both look a bit foreign, with olive skin, dark brown eyes, and black hair. But they speak without accent, talking in high, excited kiddy voices, trying to get Bucky's attention at the same time.
This book was originally published on Royal Road. Check it out there for the real experience.
Sharon releases Cap and turns to grin at the happy reunion, but he feels like his soul is leaving his body. Stares at the absurdity of this fantastic constellation, and the awkward situation it presents. Him and Bucky. Not room mates. A couple. Lovers. And now: parents. A family. A happy family. Because that is what he sees: Children, frantically laughing, giggling, hugging their returning father. And the smile on Bucky's face... He thought he'd already seen the worst, because best, smile his friend could muster, as it wasn't back at home, but in this fake world. However, this one takes the cake. He's so happy. So immensely happy.
It hurts Steve to look. He quickly covers his eyes, tries to hold back tears, overwhelmed by the scene. It's too much. Far too much. He's getting shivers, and he thinks there is a weight pulling him down. But then he realizes, that the little boy is tugging on his trousers, looking up at him with worried eyes. The girl is also looking at him and asks: "Daddy, are you okay? Are you hurt?“ He doesn't know what to say. Part of him feels humiliated by this position his friend placed him in. It just goes against everything Steve had been brought up with. It feels wrong. Shameful somehow. Another part of him feels sad. Sad for Bucky, for having to tell him the truth, that this is not real. And it makes himself sad too, in a way. He does want a family, and a loving home to come to, and friends who are safe and not dead... It tortures him, knowing none of this could ever be. The world isn't safe, he in no position to settle, and anyways: with whom? With Bucky? His best friend? Impossible!
'Why does it hurt so much to look into their worried faces?', Steve asks himself, 'They're not real! I don't even know their names!' It's Bucky who comes to his rescue, calling the kids back over to himself: "Kheial! Roya! Come here you two.“, kneeling down to explain: "Look, Daddy is still recovering from the mission we went on, he is very tired, and needs a lot of rest, okay? But he loves you, and he missed you very, very much!“ Sharon steps in, offering: "Steve, if you need to lie down, I can stick around...“ "Yes, please!“, he quickly responds, "Just lead the way.“ Her and Bucks look at him a bit surprised, but the Shield agent just confirms: "Okay, follow me. Are you feeling dizzy?“ "A bit.“, Steve lies, wishing to get away from the happy family as soon as possible.
Bucky meanwhile tries to occupy the kids: "Say, you two could do me a huge favor! Can you rush outside and get our bags?“ He's hardly done saying it, when the boy already makes a dash for the door and the girl confirms: "Yes Babbi!“, running after her brother, while Steve tries to follow Sharon up the stairs inconspicuous. Bucks calls after the children: "But work together, the bags are rrrreally heavy!“ Cap furrows his brows at this, slowly ascending the cushioned steps. When Sharon made it up and turns to the left, he can hear the kids returning, the boy boasting: "Babbi, look how strong I am!“, and the girl comments: "You lied, they're not heavy at all!“, but his friend acts astonished: "What? But they are sooo heavy! You two must have gotten really strong, while we were gone!“ He can hear the children giggle, and Rogers still needs to be careful not to cry, when Carter calls to him: "Okay, here you go, Steven. Do you need anything else, can I get you some water or something?“, as she gestures to an open door.
Cap turns to look inside, seeing a master bedroom, with again just one large bed, two night stands, a dresser and a big closet. And pictures. Loads of photos, drawings and paintings, some standing on the dresser, others hanging on the wall over the bed: portraits of himself, Bucky, the children, even some of their pets, with one big family photo in the middle. It shows all of them sitting on a couch, him and Bucks wrapping one arm around each other, the other around the children sitting on their legs, the kids holding the Pomeranian and the chubby cat on their own laps, another cat lying on the arm rest, facing away from the viewer, and the Saint Bernhardt stretched out on a rug at their feet. And all of them are smiling! Even the chubby cat looks content.
Cap covers his mouth with one hand, and tries to act normal, just walking inside to sit on one side of the bed, but the Shield agent is still there, eyeing him with worry, and asking concerned: "Steve, what's wrong? Why are you so upset? Are you in pain?“ Oh God, he would so love to tell her! Just talk to someone, to vent his frustration. Right then, the other cat makes its way into the bedroom, not caring for the humans' concerns or their emotional struggle, like cats do. Or as they should. But this slender black and white spotted feline casually walks up to Steve, jumping on his lap and bumping its head against his hand, still pressed against his lips. And Steve gulps.
Then he breaks down crying. Silently weeping, petting the fake cat, sitting on the fake bed, the fake Sharon moving to sit next to him, putting her fake hand on his shoulder. He doesn't listen to her. But he hears the deep, dark purr that the creature on his lap is giving off. "Francis?“, Steve sobs, and it almost looks like the cat wants to answer, closing its eyes in a friendly manner, while flicking its tail, to bump against Steve's hand once more. Just like he had always done.
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Way, way back in the thirties, Steve had raised the little runt, after Bucky had brought it home on Independence Day. Right when they had moved together, after Steve's mother had died. He had given him the tiny kitten, that it's owner wanted to drown in a rain barrel. He remembers the sheepish look his friend had, as he eyed the little creature that would cost them time and money to raise, while he explained: "He wanted to kill it, just because it's taking longer to grow. He said it's too weak, and only a burden. I couldn't let him do that!“
Steve recalls how moved he was, feeling the kitten tremble in his hand, to relax when he covered it with the other, keeping it warm and safe, and how he had turned to Bucky, asking: "So you're giving it to me?“ How Bucks had gulped: "Sorry, I...“, and he interrupted him: "You know, I would have done the same! Thank you for stepping in!“ How Bucks had started to smile, putting one hand on his shoulder to say: "Well, in that case: Happy Birthday, Stevie! What are we gonna call it?“ And how he had proposed: "Well, can't tell if it's a boy or a girl yet. How about Francis?“
Steve later wondered, if Bucks had known up front how good it did him to have an objective like that. Take care of a needy little creature. Protect it, so it could live. And watch it grow and prosper. Which Francis did. He grew to be a big, proud tomcat, keeping their flat free of rodents, chasing the pigeons on the roof. And returning the love and care they both gave him, by rolling into a ball to cuddle at night, either at Bucky's feet, or next to Steve's torso, keeping him warm. Or purring on his lap, while he was busy sketching.
But it couldn't last. Somehow, back then fate was set on taking everyone Steve loved away from him. After he'd become a full grown cat, Francis started to have fits. Just freezing in one place, mewing in deep distress, slobbering like crazy. And once or twice even wetting himself. Whenever it happened he looked so frightened, eyes growing wide, his tail clenched between his legs. And he didn't recognize Steve. One time he even jumped off his lap when it started, trying to hide under a chair, and when Steve wanted to comfort him, he shied away. The fits only lasted for a few seconds each time, and Francis just looked confused but otherwise fine when it ended.
Steve still felt bad to see their pet in such agony. And then, one day, he found him lying dead in the court between the buildings where they lived, bleeding from the mouth. A neighbor told them he had fallen off the roof. It had upset him so much, he was willing to go along with Bucky's mad idea of breaking into the cemetery to bury the feline next to his mother: "That way, you can always visit them both! Sarah will take care of Francis, and he'll keep her company. Until we see them again.“
Steve just cries. And doesn't resist, when Sharon helps him lie down on the bed, the cat curling up next to him at once. He hardly hears the Shield agent talk to him, assuring him it will be alright, bringing a glass of water to set down on the nightstand. And he also ignores the laughter and screeching of children coming from downstairs. He just wants all of it to end. It hurts so much. He remembers how he had kept his brave face on during Francis' burial, until Bucky had forced himself to cry, just so his stubborn friend could open up too. Or maybe he didn't need to force himself.
But Steve did stay strong and held his tongue, when he had spoken to the vet he met at the library not long after. The man had listened to his observation, and guessed: "Sounds like he might have had epilepsy. Did he die in a fit?“ "Maybe. The neighbors said he fell of the roof.“, he'd answered. "Hm. They usually don't fall like humans do. But he might have been disoriented. Bet you're grateful.“, the man had said with a soft smile. "Grateful? How so?“, he had demanded, and the vet had delivered a speech, that had sounded all too familiar to him:
"Well sure, pets can be like family to someone, especially if there's not much of that left. But still, having to take care of someone so sick and vulnerable, without the chance of them ever becoming well and capable to contribute, while only costing others, I mean... this was the easiest way out for everyone, right? You didn't even have to pay to destroy it, at least the beast had the curtsy to put itself out of it's misery for you. You can be grateful God took that burden off your shoulders.“ 'It's all just so unfair!', Steve thinks, petting over the fake purring ball of fluff by his side, that's trying to soothe the all too real pain in his chest, until that's all he's able to comprehend.
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