It’s lunch time. I don’t feel particularly hungry. I’m thinking about skipping lunch to finish Environmental Systems, when I bump into Mason as he comes out of the lunch line.
“Hey Ruth, how’s it going?” he greets.
“Poorly. What about you?”
“Uh, it’s going fine?” he responds uncertainly. “Hey… do you know what's up with Kevin? I haven't seen him around today.”
“He's not here today.”
“Dang, really? He never misses school.”
“Why don't you sit with us today, then?” asks Yonca, walking out with her own tray behind him.
She gives me such a sweet smile that I feel too bad about turning her down, so I oblige and go to sit with them. It’s not a big party; Mason is sitting with his girlfriend Diana, and Yonca is there too. Terra is conspicuously absent. Kevin and I generally prefer to sit by ourselves because, truth be told, their usual conversation topics bore me. But, all of today only one topic of conversation is on everyone’s mind.
Sure enough, it is not long after I take my seat that Diana is turning to question me. “Weren't you there yesterday?” she asks in a low voice. “There are a bunch of rumors about what happened and we're not sure what to believe.”
“What have you heard?” I ask.
Diana shifts uncomfortably. Rather than answer my question, she glances around to see if anyone is listening in, and then asks, “First of all, what was going on between Kevin and Ms. Truman? We've heard a bunch of conflicting things about it.”
“Ms. Truman had been seeing Kevin privately under the guise of emotionally supporting him,” I explain. “However it turned out she was grooming him, which culminated in him being sexually assaulted after school on Wednesday.”
There is a tension in the air, like everyone at the table winced a little on the inside. Then Yonca says, “Wow. Some boys had said that they were secretly dating and they tried to ‘do it’ in her room after school.”
“That is a gross misunderstanding of what happened. Kevin had no intention of having relations with her like that.”
Mason sighs slightly. “That's what I've been telling people. Kevin's not a weirdo, he's not desperate enough to try and get with a teacher. I knew that had to be wrong!”
“So why's he staying home today?” Diana questions. “Is he in trouble?”
“No. The events of this week have taken a toll on him so he's off for his own mental health.”
“Tell him we're all hoping he feels better!” Yonca says cheerily.
“So, what happened to Ms. Truman?” Diana continues, not to be deterred. “How did she die?”
“While being interrogated, Ms. Truman fell extremely ill. She died of her illness on the way to the hospital.”
“So that part had nothing to do with Kevin?” Mason asks nervously.
“Correct. It was random.”
“Maybe she felt so bad about what she did that she made herself sick?” Yonca speculates. She of course has no way of knowing this, but that’s not too far from the truth. But obviously I can not say that.
“So it wasn't his fault. If anything he's a victim,” Mason says.
“He is certainly a victim. And personally, I feel absolutely awful that I couldn't prevent this from happening to him.”
The others look at each other, surprised. “What? You didn't have anything to do with it, Ruth.” Yonca says.
“He had told me earlier in the week about how Ms.Truman was acting, and I never gave it proper thought. Had I done so, I could have warned him and prevented all of this. It's my fault”.
“Come on, you're not single handedly responsible for every bad thing that happens,” Mason argues. “You're being way too hard on yourself.”
"I had already been investigating the strange blog post. I hoped to stop whoever it was before they could do any harm. But I failed, and my best friend has been hurt.”
“You can't blame yourself for something that she did!” Yonca says emphatically. "You're innocent.”
“Someone who could have prevented evil, and instead remained a bystander, is guilty of the crime as well.”
Hard to say why, but these words seem to shut Yonca up a bit; she looks very morose afterwards.
“It's not really like that,” Mason insists. “You didn't know what she was going to do.”
“But I should have known. I could have figured it out.”
“You're being way too hard on yourself,” Mason repeats.
“Honestly, yeah. You are,” Diana agrees. “I mean... at least you were trying to do the right thing. You weren't just looking after your own status, or... I guess what I'm trying to say is, you're much more admirable than... some people.”
I frown at her. “I'm not sure if I follow.”
Diana goes a little pink in the face, and her face falls as if she just saw mold on her sandwich. “Look... I badly hurt my best friend too. But you were trying to do something good, you just… overlooked something. That could happen to anyone. But I was just selfish... I was motivated by a petty grudge, and... I never thought about how it'd hurt her…”
“I… I know what you meant about being a bystander,” Yonca says, looking at the floor as though ashamed. “But like Mason said, that’s not really what happened here…”
“I’m sorry, but you shouldn’t levy praise on someone just because they didn’t actively try to hurt someone,” I tell them bluntly. “The road to hell is paved with good intentions. As a moral human being, you must be strong in heart as well as strong in mind. As we know from history, a utopia executed poorly is a living nightmare, no matter how pure the ideals upon which it is founded.”
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“Ruth, this doesn’t have to do with hearts or minds or anything,” Diana says, shaking her head. “This didn’t happen because you’re stupid. Everyone knows you are a genius, you’re ranked #1 in your class.”
“I am?” I question. “How do you know?”
“Uh, class rankings for sophomores were released yesterday. Didn’t you see…? Okay, whatever. Point is, the only mistake you made was just that you forgot to ask Kevin what was going on. And, I guess the way I work, that’s the first thing I would’ve done. But you’re so smart, I guess you can figure most stuff out all by yourself.”
I look into her eyes. She’s not trying to be flattering; nor is she bitterly sarcastic. What is she trying to get at with that statement?
“Oh my god, you guys are always so serious,” Mason complains. “Lighten up a little, jeez. Only one person did the bad touch to our friend, and she died. No point in playing these mind games trying to figure out someone else to blame. We just gotta move on with life.”
“And we need to be kind to Kevin, and stick up for him,” Yonca says softly. “Clearly, people don’t really understand what happened, and they’re saying nasty things about him. About how he wanted to ‘do it’ with a teacher, or how he somehow caused her to die. We can’t let lies and hate run amok.”
“I… yeah. We can’t,” Diana responds uncomfortably.
“I keep telling people, ‘dude, this is Kevin we’re talking about, do you really think he’d do that?’” Mason stresses. “They just don’t know him like we do, I guess.”
“I’m sure that he’ll appreciate you three being behind him,” I tell them. “Thank you.”
Despite their best efforts, however, I still feel recent events weighing on me. Maybe I am being too hard on myself… but the path to morality is one of holding yourself to a higher standard than you hold others. When you pass judgment on someone else, you condemn yourself, because as the judge you are the same as them. I can complain about the police, the school administration, or the reactions of other students all I want, but at the end of the day, I failed my friend, and nothing will ever change that.
----------------------------------------
Normally, I would spend the time just after jazz band with Zoe, but she got herself a little preoccupied today talking with Diana and Yonca. They seem very excited… what are they talking about? I want to go over and find out, but I don’t think she would like that. I mean, she’s with her friends, she’ll be okay. I don’t need to hold her hand everywhere like she’s a child. But Zoe wants everyone to be friends, right? She’s just like that golden retriever she grew up with. Maybe if I were actually going to join the conversation and try and connect with her friends, she wouldn’t mind that. I just generally don’t have any interest in them…
I decide to take a short walk through the school while I’m waiting. But when I step out of the band hall into the hall, I meet someone I have negative interest in talking to; Terra. Just leaning against the wall, almost like she was waiting for me. Her eyes instantly find me, locking onto her next victim with heat-seeking intensity.
“Well well. What do you suppose they're talking about over there?” she asks me in a drawling voice.
I shrug. “I suppose it's neither of our business.”
She walks towards me, stopping just a few feet in front me, looking into my eyes as directly as she can given that I am a few inches taller than her. “You know, Yonca hasn't been as close to me for a while. And I think Diana might be going the same way. She keeps getting mad at me for being ‘offensive.’”
“Gee, I wonder why.”
“How did you do it, Ashley?”
“Do what?”
“I feel as if nobody's really backing me up anymore.”
“Not my problem.”
“Oh, but it is. How did you sway so many people to your side?”
I scoff when I realize what she’s getting at. “You think this whole school is some game of chess between us? You're delusional. I literally just want everyone to leave me alone.”
She fakes a look of concern, and then says in a dramatic, simpering voice, “Oh yes, I know! I'm the big, bad aggressor going after the poor helpless abcdefg+ minority.”
For a moment, I think about stopping this and just beating the everloving shit out of her. I’d punch her and punch her and punch her, and she’d get a nosebleed, two black eyes, and maybe get a tooth knocked out. She’d run to the office crying, and I’d have to go to the counselor’s again. Mom would be called back to the school. Maybe she’d be more sympathetic, after realizing how hypocritical it’d be to get mad at me after trying to kill one of my teachers yesterday. She’d meet with Mrs. Snyder and say, “Go easy on her, she’s had such a hard time with everything. Also that girl was really mean and nasty, she really actually deserved it.” Anja and Zoe and Nova would go back and attest that, yes, she really deserved it. All of this flashes before my eyes, and I feel satisfied….
But then I look back at her smug, annoying, stupid face. She’s smirking at me; does she know what’s coursing through my head? Why wouldn’t she run away? Because, Ashley, Terra’s a scheming little cunt, she’ll go around telling people afterwards how horrible I was for attacking her… maybe Diana will go crawling back to here. Maybe she’ll start telling people us abcdefg folx are just bullies, and they’ll believe it this time… That’s what she really wants, isn’t it? An excuse to hate people. That’s all she’s ever wanted from me.
What did Mom say last time? Didn’t she say I should be more like my dad? Well, I think I can do that…
“Hmm,” Terra says, suddenly picking at her fingernails as if she’s bored. “No comeback?”
“No, you were right,” I tell her. “You are a bully who targets downtrodden people.”
Her eyes narrow at me in fury. “All I do is speak the truth. The only one brave enough to preach God’s word in a world that’s become too seen-se-teev to want to listen.”
“Go away, evildoer. I never knew you.”
“Oh really. And what do you think He’ll say to you, who flagrantly deny God's word?”
“You're so gullible. You don't know how to read below the surface.
“There is no ‘below the surface.’ God's word is perfect.”
There’s my chance. “But what of the men who transcribed and translated it? What of the powerful men in charge of passing the book down from generation to generation? Does not humanity corrupt that of God's perfection? Did you learn nothing from Adam and Eve? Because their story carries a lesson, and I don’t mean that you should try and force people to learn your creationist bullshit. An actual lesson.”
She rolls her eyes at me. “Whatever, Ashley.”
“No, listen to me. That levitical law your type always cites, it's funny. There's a word there with no clear translation; the wording in Hebrew carries the connotation, which is suspiciously not carried over, that the law is for married men; the word translated to "abomination" throughout the law meant something more similar to ‘taboo;’ to be short, your whole shitty reactionary argument hinges on a passage which was butchered, probably intentionally, in translation. And Paul can’t save you, from what anyone can tell he hated heterosexuality too. Did you know that gay couples were accepted among the church, until the black plague's annihilation of Europe's population gave the clergy some funny ideas? I don't know why I'm bothering to tell you this, you don't care. You'd cling to a doctrine which has been chewed up, spit back out, and spoonfed to you by the powers that be. Who needs history? Intellectualism? Research? Honesty? Let the people think and let them learn and they'll get ideas, and we can't have that. My God, you are so pathetic.”
While before, Terra had been hanging on my every word, now she laughs aloud. “You're right, why was I worried?” She points at me with a wicked smile. “You're nothing but a raving lunatic.”
“Go do the research yourself then. But I know you won't; you're nothing but a scared little girl.”
“You know what? I'm going to look it up! And I'm gonna find out that all your insanity, if you didn't make it up on the spot, was invented by some sissy liberal college professor in California, and I'm going to laugh my ass off!” By the end of this she is losing her composure, her voice raising into a shout.
But then, her voice hangs in the air, and she seems to realize what she’s doing. She looks around us, and sees that Zoe had just left the band hall. She’s looking back and forth between us with a wide-eyed, “wtf” expression.
“Until next time,” Terra says dramatically. She turns away from me and stomps down the hallway.
“Ashley? Was she bothering you?” Zoe asks.
“Well, truth be told, she bothers me with her existence. Anyways, Mom here yet?”
“Yeah! Let’s go home.”
As we cross back across the band hall, I ask Zoe, “So, what were you guys talking about over there? Just curious.”
“Oh yeah! The three of us want to have a sleepover this weekend!”
“Sounds like fun,” I say. I don’t have much thought to spare for her sleepover. Terra’s annoying voice and stupid little smug face are still hanging across my mind.