“Hey. Hey. Wakeupwakeupwakeupwakeup-”
It feels as if someone is shaking the bed. I try to remember what I had just been dreaming about. It had been a rather frightening one. I think it involved an amusement park mascot kidnapping children. I try to put it out of my mind as soon as possible.
“Zoe! It’s Christmas Eve! The whole family’s going to be here in like an hour!”
My eyes fly open. There, at the side of my bed, is my younger brother Collin, no doubt sent here by my parents.
“I must have overslept,” I say, already starting to feel panicky. I only have an hour or less to get dressed and ready…
“You’re fine, we still have an hour,” he says flippantly, clearly not understanding my unique challenges. He dashes out of the room without a second thought.
As I crawl out of Ashley’s bed, a shadow envelops me as I remember what happened. I must have cried so hard that I fell back to sleep. I check the clock- it’s now 1 PM. I should feel hungry since I never actually got to eat breakfast, but I just feel a sort of dullness. Some part of me, a huge part of me, has been ripped away, leaving me empty forever.
I walk out of Ashley’s room and into the kitchen area. Her parents are home from church by now, but there don’t seem to be any lunch plans in motion. Her father is on the couch in the living room, talking on the phone with someone. Her mom is washing dishes, a glum look on her face. Ashley is nowhere to be seen.
I overhear Mr. Davis’s side of the conversation as I walk in.
“Mm-hmm… Well hold on there, we don’t have any proof something like that even happened. Of course, it hardly makes a difference either way…”
“Hey there, Zoe” Ms. Davis says, putting the dishes down and turning to me. She tries to give me an encouraging smile, but gives up after a second or two. “We’re still working on talking things out with your folks. You can get something to eat if you need to.”
I appreciate how hard they’re trying to make things right, but... somehow, I don’t think that I’m ever going to be able to live there again. And even if I do, things will never be the same. They can’t be.
“Can I ask you a question?” I ask, my voice small and squeaky.
“Of course.”
“What will happen if… I don’t get to go back?”
Ms. Davis gives a heavy sigh. “Well… if it comes to that, you can stay here as long as you need to. Of course, we won’t force you to, if you have a family member you’d rather stay with…”
“Why, ma’am, you’re jumping to conclusions. I never… Yes, I do, of course I do, you know that… No, I’ve never smoked marijuana. What does that have to do with anything?”
It suddenly occurs to me who Mr. Davis is talking to on the phone with.
Ms. Davis clears her throat loudly, which seemingly was a signal, as Mr. Davis gets off the couch and goes into the master bedroom, still talking: “Come on now, be reasonable… They’re children, Marie! There’s no way that…”
“Let’s get you something,” Ms. Davis says, slightly louder than she was before.
“Okay,” I agree. “I never actually ate breakfast, so just some cereal is fine.”
She scoots over the pantry and opens it up. On a middle shelf are five unopened boxes of Cinnamon Toast Crunch.
“Sorry for the lack of variety, there was a sale,” she explains.
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Only about ten minutes left until people start arriving, and I’m still putting on my makeup. I picked out my flowery white dress for the occasion, I hope that it will do…
There’s a knock on the left door. “Hey! Can I come in and brush my teeth?”
“Come in!” I say.
Collin barges in, and slides past me to get to the other sink. He gives me a sort of mystified look.
“Why are you putting on makeup?”
“It’s important to look nice for a family gathering like this!”
He scoffs. “Is it really, though?” He reaches under my arms to grab his toothbrush.
Let’s see here… which shade of blush for this? My cheeks are naturally very rosy, so maybe not something too red…
I put on a paler shade, ignoring Collin’s usual overly loud spitting into the sink.
“How do you even keep track of all of that stuff, anyway?” he asks, watching me work with a sort of fascinated horror.
“It’s really not that complicated, you know,” I explain. “Primer, foundation, contouring, blush, then eyes and lips last.”
He stares at my kit for a little bit, as if trying to make sense of which item was which. Eventually, he gives up, and rolls his eyes dramatically. “Girls are weird,” he declares, before exiting the bathroom.
I take a hard look at myself in the mirror. Since I’m rather low on time, should I bother with mascara? It might come off as over-the-top anyway.
From the right, Ashley enters. She looks surprised to see me there.
“Are you alright?” she asks me.
“Yeah, I’m sorry,” I say, “I’m just… really lost in my own head right now.”
“Can I use the sink for a moment?”
I move aside to give her access to the sink, where she starts thoroughly scrubbing her hands.
I look around Ashley’s bathroom and notice something odd. There’s a little shelf right next to the toilet which has a small stack of fashion magazines on it, as well as a book titled The Ask and the Answer that I’ve never heard of. Ashley really doesn’t seem like the type to be interested in those types of magazines. Maybe she uses them as spare toilet paper?
After Ashley is done, I follow her back to her room, not having any other ideas for what to do with my time. We both sit down on her bed, where Ashley puts her face in her hands. After a few minutes, she sits up, takes a deep breath, and asks, “So, how are you feeling after this morning?”
“Honestly? I’m having a hard time feeling much of anything right now.”
“I know how that feels,” she declares, before stretching and hopping to her feet. “And I hate to be a downer, but I should warn you that whenever that happens, it doesn’t mean your emotions are gone. It just means they’re waiting, spying on you for the most unexpected time to invade again.”
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I don’t know how to react to this information. I guess now I’m more prepared?
Ashley grabs a dirty, brown journal with a pretty pink gem in it that was sitting on her bedside table and sets in on her desk.
“My parents seem to be reacting to the news in an… interesting way,” she comments.
“They’ve been very kind to me,” I tell her. “Your mother said I can stay here as long as I need to.”
“Oh really? She said that?” Ashley whirls around suddenly. “I just wish I knew what’s going on inside their heads right now. Because it’s not like they’re ever going to tell me.”
And after all of that, she sits back down on the bed again.
“You seem restless,” I comment.
“It just feels so stupid,” she gripes. “Just sitting around the house right now. Doing nothing. Nothing happening. While all of this horrible shit is happening. I need some sort of outlet.”
For some reason, I get a vivid mental image in my head of Ashley burning down someone’s house. I lean over and put my head on her.
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It’s a real family reunion today. Pretty much every family member who lives nearby is here. Aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins… lots of cousins. So many that Collin needs my help in remembering their names. The chatter is so loud that it’s deafening. Some of the younger ones are lined up by the TV. Seating is so tight that Collin and I are sitting on the floor.
“When do you think we’re going to get our turn on the Wii?” he gripes.
“Oh, let the younger ones have their fun!” I chide him.
“We hardly ever have a chance to play together anymore!”
“Well Collin, we’re getting older. We have responsibilities now.”
“Responsibilities.” He says this in a mournful way, like he’s speaking about a tragic event that took place recently.
“Things are only going to be more busy when we get to high school, you know.”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah, so I’ve heard. School is all anyone cares about anymore.”
That’s when we’re visited by our own golden retriever, Shadow, who rolls right onto my lap.
“Who’s a good boy?” I croon at him, as I pet him along his back. He’s panting heavily, no doubt excited to see so many people over.
“Isn’t there just something sick about it?” Collin says. “The fact the most important aspects of our lives right now are a bunch of numbers on a piece of paper?”
He starts picking at the carpet agitatedly. “And no matter how high you work those numbers, you don’t get any respect!”
“We don’t do our schoolwork to be praised for it,” I tell him. “We do it for our personal betterment as people.”
“Well, it’d still be nice to get some recognition every now and then!” He again looks twisted, and oddly mournful.
I don’t know what’s gotten him so worked up. Oh well. It was always on me to be the more mature one. (At least, that’s the way I rationalized it back then.)
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By the time of the evening, Ashley’s parents are away for a gig, leaving us on our own once again for dinner. Ashley evidently isn’t much of a cook, as she is currently rummaging around the freezer.
“Oh, here we go!” she exclaims, pulling out a rather large TV dinner. “Do you think that if we split this lasagna, it’ll be enough for you?”
“Yeah, that’ll be enough,” I reply, feeling like I’ll be lucky to even finish my half with my current appetite. “Do you need any help?”
“It’s a TV dinner. I think I’ll be okay.” She gives me a quick kiss on the cheek, and then walks over to the microwave to get it started. I figure that I’ll go wait in the dining room.
The dining room table is packed to its full carrying capacity. There are actually so many people here that some of them are sitting in the living room. Everyone has their plates piled with grilled salmon, asparagus, macaroni and cheese and mashed potatoes. I take a seat in between Collin and my mother. Collin’s plate is about 75% macaroni and cheese.
“Is everyone at the table?” asked Grandpa Bob, my grandfather on my dad’s side. “If we’re ready to start… I just want to say thank you to Jesus our lord. Thank You for our food today, for family, and for everything we have in life. On the eve of Your birthday, we praise You. Amen.”
There are a few “Amens” around the table, and then everyone goes back to chattering as before.
Ashley walks into the dining room holding a plate in each hand. Shadow runs up to her and starts pawing along her front. Ashley is very confused by this, and simply stands still and says “Um… um… what do I do?”
“Get down, boy! That food isn’t for you!” Dad shouts, getting up from the table. “Here, I’ll let him outside.” I make a mental note to slip him some leftovers later.
“Sorry about that, I’m not too used to pets,” Ashley explains as she sits down directly across from me. “You wanna know a fun fact? Jesus wasn’t born on Christmas Day.” She slides me one of the plates she was carrying. “He was most likely born in the summer or fall, according to historians. Christmas was actually adapted from a pagan festival. So really, Christmas isn’t actually even that Christian, despite having the word ‘Christ’ in the name. Weird, huh?”
Nobody else reacts to this, which makes sense because she wasn’t really there. I ponder this as I start on my portion of the lasagna. It almost feels like something I should point out… but somehow, I feel that my family doesn’t really want to be corrected.
“So, how is my favorite niece doing?” My Aunt Kathy asks me, sitting on the end of the table past Collin. (The joke is, of course, that I’m her only niece.) “You’re at an age where you’re starting to get interested in boys, aren’t you?”
“Oh Kathy, she’s still in eighth grade!” Mom interjects. “It’s too early for that!”
“What kind of boys are you interested in?” Aunt Kathy asks me, ignoring Mom.
“Um…” My brain scrambles to think of some boy I found interesting… but I end up going with a boring cop-out answer. “Ones who have noble character and a strong sense of purpose, I suppose.”
“Oh honey, I didn’t mean like that. I meant like, tall? Short?”
“Um, tall, I guess,” I say. I wink at Ashley, who looks confusedly back at me.
“Well, I think it’s very admirable that you would prioritize a man’s character,” Mom comments. “Looks won’t determine if a man is marriage material…”
“Not everyone gets married, you know,” Collin cuts in unexpectedly, stabbing his mac and cheese so hard that it’s making loud clinking noises.
“Your hair is getting too long, boy,” Mom retorts, reaching over to comb through his hair with her fingers. Collin just ignores this, and keeps on spearing his noodles as if they personally insulted him.
As for me, I stay silent and continue with my lasagna. It’s actually pretty good for a TV dinner. I wonder which brand it is?
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Later that evening, both of us were lounging around in Ashley’s bedroom. Ashley got so bored that she started talking about state politics.
“...Everyone thought that Lt. Gov. Perry was going to go on to be the next long-term governor, but in 2002 Schneider pulled off an upset win against him in the primaries. Then, you already know this part, Rep. Beatty challenged him in the general when he was up for re-election… Anja’s mom. It’s a damn shame that she passed away like that. Of course, we didn’t live in Texas yet at the time, so I don’t know a lot about the controversies surrounding that race. Anyway, since then, he’s been re-elected again and again pretty much uncontested. He’s now the longest serving governor in the history of the state.”
Suddenly, she catches my eye and stops talking. “I bet I’m boring you to death.”
I shake my head. “No, it’s not you. It’s just… I can’t stop thinking about them.”
She slowly sits up and puts her arm around me gingerly.
“This is going to sound really stupid,” I say, “But… I think I’m going to miss them.”
“That’s not stupid to me,” she replies. “Every now and then, when I’m having trouble getting to sleep, I still think about my old friends. I wonder if they still remember me. If they’ve changed. If they regret what happened… not like it really matters.”
“And the other thing is… all my memories of my life… even ones that used to be happy… now just seem so… wrong.”
“We all miss the good old days. Even if they weren’t as good as we remember. It’s human nature.”
I lean over against her, pressing my head above her chest. She wraps her arms around me, seemingly instinctively.
“If there’s any silver lining to this,” she says, “It’s been really nice to have you around the house today. Having someone to talk to. Normally I’d be practicing, doing homework, maybe reading, maybe watching TV if I’m home alone…”
“Thank you for being here for me,” I tell her. “It means more to me than I can ever say.”
“We’re in this together, Zoe. Don’t forget that.”
And for a while, we just sit there like that. Feeling each other. Our souls momentarily vibrating together.
I thought it this morning, and I still think it now. I don’t think things are ever going to be the same again. My life has been changed dramatically, permanently, and harshly. It feels as if I’ve been poisoned.
It feels as if I’ve been poisoned, not just yesterday, but for a long time. I couldn’t have ever believed this of my own family. But now that I have seen a new side of them, it feels rather like something which I've always known, that’s haunted me like an ominous shadow. Because everything in my life- private and public, morning, day, night, inside, outside… it was all for them. And it’s hard not to feel like it was all for nothing. Because I couldn’t have ever been the child I needed to be for them. The thought crushes my soul like a soda can.
My life has been destroyed, and now it’s up to me to do something I’ve never dreamed of doing before; forming a new one from the ashes. But at least the new one won’t be all bad. After all, I have her.
~Ending of Movement I: Shattered Dreams St.~