This is one of the first times I have ever completely lacked the ability to get a kill. Was it the fact that the creature was just too big and bulky? No. No, the fact is that I am soft. Too soft. I would not be wandering in the darkness trying to hear the faint neighing of Sam – a horse that might have broken the rope and run away – or easily could have been killed. This place might just be one giant creature and all I fought was a little section of it. The thing with monsters is; the more unhinged you are, the harder it is for the monster to figure you out. If it can predict your actions, it can lure you into a trap. Normally, I would do things that a monster would never have been able to predict. In this scenario, for example, I probably would have let it kill the horse and jumped the creature as Sam’s corpse was weighing it down. Then I would have taken the fire and lit one of the crates on fire so I could get back. Finally, I would have started chasing it down. Hell, I would normally have been able to slice through that vein of woven hair in one or two strikes – the blood would have just made me strike harder and harder! But now I am weaker. I hesitate. I don’t strike with deadly force because I lack the desire or ability to kill. I merely wish to maim and knock out. I should have dived into the body of that creature and started hacking it to bits since it would be much tougher to attack me there. I would have shoved its eyes into the giant maw to keep it open and butchered it inside out. Would have, could have, should have – that matters not. The only thing that matters now is finding Sam and resting for all the time possible. Shit, I have too much going on in my head as well – what is the point of all this thinking if it blurs my thoughts into an annoying mish-mash of ideas and I stop focusing on what should be quiet and subtle neighs. I know what I need to do.

I stop walking and stand completely still. Everything is pitch black, but still, I close my eyes and hold my breath. A faint whistle of wind swirls tauntingly, covering everything in a blanket of sound. There is a faint pitter-patter of snow and ice falling from rocks and hitting the ground. I can feel my body pulsing with every heartbeat. There is… a faint crunch of snow and an ever-so-faint breath. No neigh. No other sounds. It could be the monster, but it could also be Sam. I need to get back and make sure she is okay – no, what am I saying? I need to get back so I can get a torch and relight it. Then I need to sleep in the safety of my cart – but Sam, I need to make sure she is still alright. I need to protect her – protect her? Me? A protector? What am I thinking? What am I saying? This is all wrong. So wrong. Who am I? What have I become? I walk in the crunches' direction, hoping that I am not falling prey to an echo pulling me off course. I did go quite far from the cart, so it only makes sense that the walk back will take a while. What if this is the wrong way? What if this is just an echo? Why do I care about Sam or anyone for that matter? Why should I care about anything or anyone that I come across? This is all so stupid and dull, so annoying, and… fuck, that word again. Dull. I hate it, but is that not what I am now? Where is the fun? The excitement? How could I be this foolish? Honestly, every moment I think about it, the more I struggle to comprehend what I have become and yet, it feels so natural… to care. To care. Me. Caring. Stupid. I swear my mind is going in more circles than I must be walking. Not a single original thought. Not a moment of comprehension or inspiration. Normally I would be spewing poetry at the marvel of being able to take my dear Savra to get intimate with another being but that love has been removed from my psyche. It even feels strange to call Savra ‘dear’ after the amount of cruelty she caused – again! Again, I am just thinking the same things over and over again. Why? Why am I doing this? Why can I not move forward? Why can I not find the damned cart? I have traveled through fumes and fog that make you feel like there is no light and I was fine. Hell, that was harder because the air itself was trying to kill me. This cannot – will not be my end.

I sprint forward.

Stupid, wasting energy for a damn horse.

I keep sprinting.

Why? Why would doing this make any sense? I am the prey now – my fight or flight has kicked in and now all I can do is run. I am an absolute disgrace.

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I keep sprinting – now sweating and panting.

My mind cannot stop ranting and ranting.

I am a disgrace,

I have lost face.

Who am I trying to please?

Why am I letting myself slip into insanity?

What is the point of dropping to my knees,

Now that I have a shred of humanity.

The bastard has orchestrated a cruel curse,

Every action taken goes against my evil desire,

Why the fuck am I trying to clutch my purse,

Am I worried about people thinking of me as a liar?

My legacy is one of evil and darkness.

Of demonic desires and uncontestable sharpness.

Every single kill and discovered carcass,

Is this punishment not just – twisted by purpose.

Is it even that twisted?

In one moment I became what many desired I would be,

A person who now living a good life is what I have enlisted.

Why would I not be happy? Why should I not be filled with glee?

I am trapped here with no friends and no company,

Who would believe that I am truly good and who would trust me?

When I decided to kill, there was no doubt that life would become bloody.

Death is everyones final step and I was ready but now I wish to flee.

I am a coward.

I want to live.

My evil soul as soured.

Back to humanity I want to give.

Who am I?

Fa the killer?

No, I can fucking cry.

Gone are the times I wished for my life to be more potent than a thriller.

Now I am Fa Fumerunner the weak,

Fa the meek,

Fa the bleak,

Fa the useless, so to speak.

I cannot fight anymore,

Fear and hesitation – the desire to not slaughter is too strong,

How can I be anything but a bore?

How can I be anything but wrong?

Fa the strong, Fa the quick,

Fa the killer, Fa the slick,

Fa the slaughterer, Fa the lunatic,

Fa the generational tormentor, oh how sick!

I was everything I ever wanted and wished,

I was known by all in such high regard,

I thought it made my life worth living, and my kills beautiful and never missed!

I was a show that held a world terrified and barred.

I would think back and remember each kill just like it was yesterday,

But now… I cannot close my eyes without being in sheer horror.

My great goals feel so far away,

My achievements are washed over by terror.

I see their eyes and faces twisted in anguish,

My stomach sheds and my soul bleeds,

My evil is vanquished,

Now… I only wish to repent for my actions and help with every person’s needs.

This is nonsensical and stupid,

My fucking soul has been muted,

My heart has been looted,

And now I walk terrified and secluded.

I cannot believe that monster’s death was eluded.

Darkness was my ally, my friend,

It reminds me that I have none.

Darkness was my cover, my strength,

Now it is the harbinger of suffering and panic.

This cannot be my end.

What is the coward’s goal, just to have fun?

And for what? How was this whole place fucking made at this length?

Now look at the damned floor, it’s all Dreg – this is making me manic.

The time it must have taken – I wish I was just rotting away or had my body rend.

Terrified? How dare I even think such an emotion, has my unraveling begun?

On that thought, I am losing my mind – I am probably through it one tenth.

Kindness is a common trait, it is how anyone species survives which is organic,

In the end, I have no one who is a friend,

Lest I find someone, why should I care for a single life now that the core of my being has been undone,

Lost am I – wait that is the sound of hoof on road! Sam must have cheated death!

Am I just hearing things? I cannot let myself panic.

Going through darkness is terrifying, to myself I need not pretend.

Am I going to find Sam on the ground, dead or wounded, and needing to be shot with a gun?

I… I just don’t have it in me to be ruthless – I must make sure she survives to my dying breath,

No, I need to accept that I am weak and now all I can hope for is that love can give me hope and magic.

Sam! I can hear you so close! Finally! I lift my hands up as I run – BANG! I slam against something hard and cold – the cart! Pain shoots through my arms. I feel around – yes! The door! Now to just… pop inside and… to the front I go… yes, the box opens… yes there is a lighter and spare torch… a spark! Light! Another spark. Another. Another. Another. Flick. Flick. Flick. Flick – flick – flick – fuck – fuck – fuck – fire! Light! I stumble as my eyes readjust to the light – damn it is bright. The warmth reminds me of how cold I am. I hold the flame near me for a minute or two, feeling the cold being released from my bones. I walk outside… Sam?