I returned to this sickly black road. My departure was without so much as a goodbye, my goodwill and name, lost the moment I lost myself, and was sealed when I put this collar on. I am not here for a bounty and there will be no Dreg to free myself. There will be no freedom around the corner, and I cannot even look introspectively to find salvation. At least I am not alone in this march, for I have the slaughterer of my family stuck in my chest. Holed up in my soul. Spliced through dark and twisted means into the very fiber of my being. On my side is a knife I shall not name, for the moment I do – the moment I even think about its cruel form will test my will once more. If I give in, I may be lost forever, and that thought terrifies me. There is no horse or goods to transport, just a solum march. I have a pack with supplies for a week's walk. I have been ordered to walk back to the plane of potential, and perhaps there the potential for my freedom shall come. Or the potential that Fa Fumerunner will take over my body will tear the very fabric of my identity apart. My Gan’la, what I am if not my identity? I don’t even know what I am anymore, let alone who I am. I am two in one – no, I am three beings. Two souls balancing on a scale with a knife trying to tip it in its favor. How can I be anything but terrified? The most terrifying thing is that in the infinite futures that normally simultaneously occur, instead there are instead only two; One where I pick up the knife and the other where the light leaves my eyes.

“Oh, don’t be like that Gan.”

That voice… the watcher. You. You are the one who did this to me! You cursed me! “Well I am back, Watcher. I have returned that which I took from you so selfishly, so please. Please… please release me from my curse.”

Strength leaves my body – with a thud, I am on my knees. I can barely speak as I choke on words “Please… I am here to right my wrong. I just want to be free. Please.” The hairs on the back of my neck stand on end – a shadow deeper than even darkness itself washes over me. Its cold gaze chills my very bones, yet I lack the strength to raise my head.

“Gan, you have returned with but a memory. I told him before, although I suppose you weren’t there. How about this, why don’t you let me speak with Fa.”

“I… I am his jailor. If I do that, I might never return. I need a promise that I will return.”

“…fine. I have waited long enough, I promise. You, Gan, will have control over your body after I am done.” There is an audible sigh. It is as if I am speaking to a spoilt child who is being denied their favorite toy, yet that toy is my body. My soul. My very being.

A deal is a deal, and I don’t want… to lose the light from my eyes. I take hold of Savra and fall. Fall into a deep back hole where only a pinhole of light remains in front of me. A pinhole where I can see out of my eyes. Out of… his eyes now. His thoughts swirl and bounce through my head like a blast in a tunnel.

“Why hello again, bastard. How good to see you again.”

Oh, it is good to be… alive and here again. Why I am on my knees, I cannot know. Gan… that child must have – ew, are those tears? I could never. My body is not even tired! This is why I hate emotions, especially sadness. It truly is useless.

“Fa Fumerunner, welcome back! Oh, how excited I am to talk with you again! Tell me, how do you feel in your new body?”

Oh, this bastard can read my thoughts, can’t it?

“Yes, I can. You were so polite before and now look at you. Interesting. We shall change that again in time.”

Good, I cannot bear the voice of this body. It sounds weird. It feels strange. It is not mine, and yet here I am. Well, to answer your question, I am feeling wonderful. I don’t know what you did to me before, but there is no desire to do something stupid like ‘seeking redemption’ or ‘being good’. You must have given me some mighty strong hallucinogenics back then.

“Oh Fa, I have missed your sharp tongue. Alas, my curse before was quite potent, but now I cannot quite do the same. After all, you are not actually here – you are a memory. You are as Savra remembered you, and how she desires you to be. How can I curse that which is not actually here?”

What do you mean by that? You have lied plenty of times before, why should I trust a damn word you say? By Fael, I feel like myself. I can think and feel – I can feel Savra as she slowly runs along my hand and slices into my skin. I can still feel the euphoria as my blood drips over her form and my thoughts are just as they always were. What are people if not a collection of memories that dictate their actions? And if I am the way Savra hoped I would be, then who am I to let her down? She is my love after all.

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“Interesting, interesting. I suppose that is true, however, it does not sit right with me. I made a promise, and I keep my promises. You are to be killed and return as a cursed monster. A beast that will live out your life in constant and never-ending suffering before being put down, yet surviving. Then, when you are completely broken, you will crawl back here, and – well, that will have to wait until then. Regardless, the owner of that body – Gan – he took you away from me and has suffered because of that.”

Good. Let the body suffer, he caused me plenty as it is. By Fael, I have to suffer every time you are in my presence. That damned purple light – can you not turn it off? Can you not fuck off?

“Ah, very well. Before I go, I have a question for you.”

Hmm, ask and then fuck off, id like to enjoy being in control for a while longer.

“Would you like your soul? Would you like to see the difference? Would you like your body back?”

I… well, if my soul returns, so does your curse, no? I remember it. I remember everything that happened like it was yesterday. No thanks.

“So, you are content being a fraud of a being – no, you are not even that. You are a thing. You are not alive, merely being sustained by a piece of metal. Did you lose your balls with your soul? You aren’t even dirt or something productive, you are but a whisp that will be blown out soon. A spark in midflight.”

For all I know you are lying.

“I could be, but why would I do that? I have my goals and you have your own. How about this, I will leave you for now to wonder. If you want to talk, just shout out and I will be there.”

Fine. Now fuck off.

The purple glow disappears. By Fael that is annoying, but I am thankful as well. If not for the bastard, I would not be back and walking. I would not be breathing and thinking. Stay screaming and trying to tear your way back into control, Gan. I will never let you back. We made a deal, but why would I ever honor a deal with someone weak-willed like yourself? Why would a predator make a deal with its prey? Stay mad and sobbing, fool.

I walk, letting Savra feed from time to time. It makes me feel so… alive! And that is because I am! No matter what the bastard says, I am alive.

I am really alive,

Thank god I am in control of my body again,

It is annoying to walk when I used to have a cart to drive,

But look at me – I am currently free reign!

Eh… that was… not great. Not as good as it was before. Not as poetic as it once was. Let me try again.

I am alive and it is a miracle,

This feeling is really spiritual,

A ball is spherical,

I am so hysterical.

Fuck that was bad again. Again!

The road is long,

My footsteps go ‘pong’,

Something is wrong,

I should just let Savra feed on this road oh so long.

The pain makes me shiver as blood pools into Savra’s thirsty form. Walking and walking with no end in sight. I eat some food and keep going. I feed Savra – this is more than I remember doing. More times than I ever thought was necessary and yet… yet I feel a strange compulsion to do so. I blink and there is Savra, cutting into my flesh once more. A memory, huh? Savra, is this one of your most prominent memories of me? Can you only interact with me when my blood is sinking into your form? Do you only get a glimpse of the world when feeding? Do you only speak when you are suckling upon my blood - by Fael, this is not even my blood! This is the blood of a fool - the life essence of a weakling! Are you only here to drink to your heart's content? Am I here just so you can feed? Every cut is euphoric, but as the day continues, a tiredness takes me. I close my eyes and… black. I open them. I feel rested, yet I saw nothing. Nothing. NOTHING. No fumes, no colours, nothing. No safe space. Nothing! A euphoric slice – no! No, this pain feels nice yet is hollow. This was always something I did seldomly as a reward to Savra and myself but now… now it has lost all meaning.

I walk.

I walk.

I walk.

Fuck, my hands and arms are covered in cuts that barely have enough time to clot before the next cut. Savra is being greedy. Too greedy. If I let her go, he comes back out and there goes my freedom. There goes any possibility to walk again, but at this rate, the acts that caused me the most pleasure will lose all meaning. Fuck. FUCK!

“BASTARD! Fine. Tell me how.”

Nothing.

“HEY! WATCHER! TELL ME! TELL ME NOW!”

Nothing.

“I WANT A SOUL! PLEASE, COME BACK!”

An eye that is bigger than a plane slowly opens. The dull purple light grows blindingly intense – I catch myself mid-stumble. I look up at it. It looks back at me.

Nothing.

The eye closes.

Darkness.

Nothing.

I used to love the darkness. I do love the darkness. I should love the darkness, and yet it is just a cold, cruel blanket that drains the very life from me. Again, that which used to bring me so much pleasure has lost all meaning. Darkness should be my friend, my ally. No, now it is nothing but a fiend laughing at my misfortune. I feel... betrayed. How can I feel betrayed by anyone anymore? It is not like I have put my trust in anyone or anything. It is not like I actually would put trust in anyone - look at what happened to me when I did. I was trapped in the body of a statue for Fael knows how long. Again... that memory is so hazy. It is like I was there for an eon, yet only a second. There is a closeness to the moment, yet everything is a fuzzy blur. I know that happened, and yet I cannot remember what happened. I cannot remember how I felt. I cannot remember what or how I thought. All I can remember is that at some point I used Savra to cut something that still had a few drops of blood in it.

"Please... please Watcher! I am sorry for what I said! I want to get my body back! I want your help! Please!"

Nothing.

Nothing.

Nothing.

I cannot go on like this.

I collapse to my knees.

Pleading.

Savra falls from my fingers.

Annoyance.

Clang.