We went back to Tony's Super Cool Sports Bar after we had sufficiently fed ourselves. They threw us a party, and I gave Tony $10,ooo towards fixing up the stuff that got broken in his bar. It wouldn't pay for all the expensive booze that was destroyed, but it might pay for the window and the shelves.

I had to teleport back to the Devil's castle and open up his massive safe full of money and other valuables, because I didn't have the whole amount on my person. Lucifer didn't give me the combination, but it wasn't hard to guess. I used the number of the beast, "666". For the safe it was actually, "6-6-6" but same thing.

I didn't look at anything else in the safe. I didn't want to accidentally curse myself or get drawn into touching something I wasn't supposed to. At least, not when I had a party to get back to. I would mess with cursed stuff and possessed items on my own time.

I invited some other guests to join in the festivities. It felt right to invite everyone who had been part of this journey with me. Lucifer showed up in an appropriate jump scare. He appeared right in front of me as I was sitting on the toilet.

"What the hell? Lucifer?" I said.

"How else was I supposed to get here other than to teleport right to you? It's not like you gave directions," he said. He stayed standing there, looking at me. "You pee sitting down?"

"No," I said.

"Ew, gross!" he said, still not leaving the stall.

"Get out!" I said.

"Ok, ok! Fine!" he said, opening the door. "Geez. Some people."

When I got out of the restroom, Lucifer was chatting with Tony like they were old friends. I walked up to them. Tony looked at me. "You know this guy? He's hilarious!"

I rolled my eyes. "Yeah, I know him. Maybe a little too much."

"What's your name, buddy?" Tony asked, putting out his hand.

Lucifer shook his hand. "Morningstar. Lucifer Morningstar."

"Really? Did you know that's the Devil's name in the bible?" Tony said, looking a nervous.

"Yeah. That's me," Lucifer said.

"You're the devil? You gotta be kidding, right?" Tony laughed nervously.

"Of course I'm kidding," Lucifer said.

"Oh good. You almost gave me a heart attack," Tony said, hand over his heart.

"I only used to be the Devil. Dave's the Devil now. Aren't you buddy?" Lucifer said, putting his hand around my shoulder.

"What?" Tony said.

"He's kidding. I'm the new administrator of Hell. Not the Devil," I said.

"Oh, you're no fun! I wanted to scare the pants off him!" Lucifer said.

"I think he likes his pants where they are, Lucifer," I said.

"Yeah, I need my pants!" Tony said, leaning over to whisper to me. "So you really are the Devil now, huh?"

I leaned over to whisper back. "Yeah, I am, but don't let him hear you. He gets a kick out of it."

"Roger. Mum's the word," Tony said.

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"So, how does this work? If I bargain my soul to you, do you just take it or do you have to wait until I die?" Tony said. He was getting a little deeper in his cups.

"Tony, I'm not stealing your soul as a party trick!" I said.

"Lucifer's right. You are no fun!" Tony said.

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I was standing outside drinking my soda, looking up at the sky. It was a new day. The world was saved. I was the new Devil. Everything was right in the world, but I felt anxious. Like another shoe was about to drop.

I was lost in my thoughts when the sky opened up and a brilliant light shone down in the middle of the night. It was brighter than the sun. Suddenly, it looked like daytime. My brain reminded me I should put on sunblock more often. That was a question. Did I still need to wear sunblock? Or did I just heal the damage?

"Good job on saving the world, Dave." God said, his deep booming voice coming down from the Heavens.

"Thanks, G," I said.

"Don't call me that," God said.

"Ok, G," I said.

"I said don't call me that!" God said.

"Alright, my Lord," I said.

"Don't call me that either. It sounds weird when you say it. Just call me God," He said.

"Yes, God," I said.

"That's better. Now, I know this party is fun and all, but you should get down below. You wouldn't want to miss this," He said.

"Miss what?" I said.

"The horsemen's trial. With the Mole People," He said.

"Oh! Right! I almost forgot! Thanks, G-God!" I said.

"If I didn't like you so much, I'd smite you," God laughed.

I laughed along nervously, not sure if he was joking.

"Don't worry, Dave. I would never smite you. You are one of the good ones," he said.

"What is that supposed to mean?" I said, a little indignant.

"Oh, you know," He said.

"No, I don't know. Why don't you explain it to me?" I said.

"Well, Man was meant to live in Paradise, but then Eve and Adam ate the apple and Man fell, and now Man is prone to sin," He said.

"Sounds like you think you're better than us," I said, crossing my arms.

"I am better than you. I'm God," He said.

"Oh. Right." I uncrossed my arms.

"See? You get it," God said.

"Yeah, I do. I wish I didn't. Sometimes I wish we could go back to before original sin and live in Paradise again," I said.

"Well, I'm sorry, Dave. I can't unring that bell. I didn't ring it to begin with," God said.

"Yeah, I know. Well, I should say bye to everyone before I leave. It was good talking to you, God," I said. I turned to back into the bar.

"Wait a second, Dave. I want to tell you something," He said.

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I turned back around. "What's that, God?"

"You are not free of judgment just because you're part of the family now. You have neither been damned nor saved. You still determine that for yourself every day. I don't say that to scare you. I just want you to be careful. I only want what's best for you," He said.

"I understand. Thank you," I said. "If only you were around for my earlier years. I could've used the help."

"I'm always there Dave. You just have to talk to me. I'm glad I finally got you back on the right track. You scared me for a while there," He said.

"What do you mean, you got me back on the right track? This all started because of my bet with Lucifer," I said.

"Who do you think allowed Lucifer to hear your boast that you could beat him in a bet?" He said.

"That was you?" I said in amazement.

"I am everywhere all the time, Dave. I am always watching and waiting for an opportunity to bring you back to me," He said, sounding choked up.

"Are you crying?" I said.

It began to rain on the bar. I could see that the rain stopped a hundred feet away from the door.

"No! You're crying!" He said, clearly crying.

"Don't cry, God. I'll be fine," I said.

"I wish I could be so sure. The problem with being me is that I can see all possibilities all the time, and nothing is ever certain," He said, blowing his nose on a holy tissue. I assumed.

"God. I'll be fine. I promise. And I keep my promises," I said.

"Like you promised to pay back your gambling debts?" He said.

"Shit! I still need to do that! I'll get right on it. I promise! Now, I really do have to go! Pee! I need to go pee!" I rushed back into the bar. I really had to go pee, but I also wanted out of that conversation.

God knew me better than I knew myself. All my achievements. All my transgressions. All my deeds, good and bad. It was hard having that reflected back on you with no filter or sugarcoating.

I used the restroom, of course, but I'm only mentioning, so you don't think I didn't do it. I washed my hands too, but I didn't dry them. I walked up to Lucifer. He was easy to spot. He was the tallest person in the room.

I slapped him with my wet hand. "Slap-Five! Don't you just hate it when you pee on your hands?"

"Ew, gross!" Lucifer said.

"It's just water," I said.

"Still," Lucifer said.

"So how's the party?" I said.

"Pretty good. Sarah got here a little while ago," Lucifer said.

"Sarah's here?" I said, looking around.

"Uh, yeah. You invited her didn't you?" He said.

"Yeah, but how did she even get here? I was actually going to pick her up at her mom's house," I said.

"I brought her, of course!" he said.

"Of course you did," I said. "I can't tell if you care about my relationships with other people or if you just like watching drama."

"Yes?" Lucifer said, taking a sip of beer.

"Does that even do anything for you?" I said, looking at the beer.

"No. I just like the taste," he said.

"Oh. I guess that's fair. I always liked the taste of beer. I tried that non-alcoholic stuff for a while, but it made me miss real beer too much and I ended up just drinking the real stuff. So I'm staying away from beer, alcoholic or not," I said.

"Good for you," Lucifer said.

"Well, I'm going to look for Sarah," I said.

"Good luck," Lucifer said.

"Thanks," I said as I weaved between people, trying to get to the bar. When I got there, I saw Tony. "Hey, Tony. I'm trying to find someone in this crowded bar. Can I stand on the bar to find them?"

"If it was anyone else, I'd shoot them just for asking that," Tony said.

"But you won't because it's me, right?" I said.

"Correct," he said, waiting. "Go on!"

"Ok!" I said, getting up on the bar. I looked out at the bar patrons. Everyone looked at me, standing on the bar. "Sarah!" I yelled.

"Dave!" I heard her voice, and then I spotted her. She made her way over to the bar. I got down off the bar and she slapped me.

"Ow! What was that for?" I said, holding my face.

"Are you drunk?" she said accusingly.

"No. Are you?" I said, still holding my cheek.

"No, but that's not the point. If you're not drunk, why did you stand up on the bar? No sober person stands on a bar." She said with a grumpy look on her face.

"I swear I'm sober! I just heard you were here, and I needed to find you. It seemed like the quickest way," I said.

"Oh. I guess that makes sense, but you still shouldn't stand on a bar. It's disrespectful," she said.

"Thank you! See, you could learn a thing or two from this young lady," Tony said.

"Thank you, good sir," Sarah said.

"What are you in the middle ages now?" I said.

"No. Now what did you want to talk about?" she said.

"I thought Lucifer said you had something to say to me," I said.

"Oh yeah! I do," she said.

"So what is it?" I asked.

"I killed you," she said, breathing a sigh of relief. "You have no idea what a relief it is to get that off my chest."

"You did what now?" I said, my mouth hanging open.

"I killed you. You know, so you would win the bet," she said.

"Oh. Well, I guess, thank you for killing me then?" I said.

"This conversation is too weird and confusing for me," Tony said, walking away.

"How?" I said, ignoring Tony.

"Your medication. I poisoned your medication," she said.

"With what?" I said.

"Does it matter?" she said.

"I guess not," I said.

"Look, I did it while I was mind controlled, ok? It's all a bit jumbled up there. Like, if you said the poison, I might remember it, but that's it," she said.

"I'm not going to sit here listing out poisons for you to eventually remember it," I said.

"Which is why I asked if it mattered," she said.

"Right, that makes sense," I said. I paused. "Do you want to watch Lilith do a keg stand?"

"Sure!" she said, and we went looking for Lilith.

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I got lost after the keg stand. Too many people rushed in to congratulate her that Sarah got lost in the crowd. I went looking for her, but I somehow ended up at the front door. Just then, Keir walked in. He had some paperwork in his hands.

"Just the man I was looking for." Keir handed me some paperwork. "You've been served. You are required to show up in court in four hours at the behest of Judge Tim of the Mole People. You know Judge Tim, right?"

"I do," I said. "Four hours, huh? I can still hang out here for a while then, right?"

"I suppose," Keir said.

"Good. There's someone I want you to meet," I said. I took him over to meet Lilith who was still a little tipsy.

"Ooo, who is this devilish man? Friend of yours?" Lilith said.

"We're more like colleagues, but I really wanted you two to meet," I said, smiling devilishly.

"Oh yeah? Why is that?" Keir said, narrowing his eyes at me.

"No reason. I just thought you two would get along," I said innocently.

"We'll get along if he does shots with me," Lilith said. "Barkeep! Six Devil's Donuts please!"

"I don't know what that is," Tony said, confused.

Raphael walked up. "I do know what those are. May I?" Raphael gestured at the bar.

Tony backed away and said, "It's all yours."

Raphael disappeared and reappeared behind the bar. "Come here. I'll show you how it's done. I'll show you the dirty way and then I'll show you the human way."

"Count me in!" Tony said. "Who said an old dog can't learn new tricks?"

"The dirty way is you do this, then this, then sprinkle a little angel magic on it, shake it, stir it, then voilà!" Raphael poured six shots all with a floating red viscous liquid donut in the center.

"How am I supposed to do that? You literally said you used magic," Tony said.

"I know. I just did that to impress you. That's why I'm going to show you the human way. Do you have an espresso machine?" Raphael said.

"I do," Tony said.

"Good!" Raphael said, gesturing for Tony to lead the way. "I'll follow you."

Tony and Raphael disappeared to another section of the bar.

"So, who are you and what are you?" Lilith asked Keir.

"My name is Keir. I work for Heaven as a negotiator of sorts, and I am half-demon, half-angel," he said, looking a little nervous.

"Ooo, sexy. I like it. All of it. My name is Lilith. I'm a middle upper management human turned demon. Don't ask me how that works. I don't know. I prefer to be called a demon queen, but that's not how Hell runs anymore." She said, smiling with her razor-sharp teeth prominently displayed.

Keir smiled back with his own razor-sharp teeth.

"Would you care to join me in a round of shots, Keir?" Lilith asked.

"I think I would," Keir said, loosening his tie.

"It's three shots each. The last one done has to wear an article of clothing from the other person, on their head. Deal?" Lilith put her hand out.

Keir shook on it. "Deal."

Lilith gestured to the poured shots. "Grab your first."

Keir and Lilith grabbed their first shots. Lilith clinked her tiny glass against his. "Bottoms up! You better not puss out on me, Keir!" Lilith said to Keir.

"I won't!" he said, taking his first shot at the same time as her and slamming down his glass at the same time as her.

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I feel like it's needless to say, but Keir lost the bet. She made him wear her bra on his head for three hours. She let him take it off later. I know this because I saw them go into the bathroom, and an hour later come out, and Keir wasn't wearing her bra on his head anymore.

He did, however, have her black lipstick smeared all over his mouth, face, and neck. I didn't tell him, mostly because I didn't want to ruin his moment. The man had done something I wasn't sure he could pull off.

I was betting on it, literally, but I wasn't sure he could do it. I bet Lucifer that Keir and Lilith would hook up by the end of the night, and Lucifer took the bait. I mean, bet. If I won the bet, Lucifer would get me a real life four-leaf clover. If he won the bet, well, let's just say he didn't win the bet and leave it at that.

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Shortly after Lilith and Keir left the bathroom, Tony came up to Lucifer and me, saying, "Guys, the bathroom is on fire."

"That tracks," I said, nodding.

"Yeah, that makes sense," Lucifer said.

"Can someone put it out?" Tony asked.

"Lucifer?" I asked.

"Yeah, I'll do it." Lucifer said.

Lucifer went into the bathroom and snapped his fingers a few times and came back out. Tony walked into the bathroom, stayed in there for multiple minutes, then came back out.

"Why is everything marble and granite now? I'm not complaining, but why?" Tony asked.

"It looks nicer now, right?" Lucifer asked.

"Yes, it does, but do we really need marble toilets? Is that necessary?" Tony asked.

Lucifer looked at me and I looked at Lucifer, and we ran in different directions.

"Guys?" Tony said.

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I left the bar completely sober with Steve by my side. It seemed like I was his guardian now. He needed one. He was, by most definitions, a grown man, but he could not take care of himself. He would be crashing with me at the administrator's castle for a while until I could get him on his feet.

We teleported to the Last Temptation casino in Las Vegas. I expected the building to be destroyed, but it was one of the few left standing. We went inside to visit Mephistopheles and use his subterranean elevator.