"Where are you going?" The police officer said through the partition between the front and back seats.

"Las Vegas Cryo Bank," I said.

"Is that the sperm bank place?" he said. "You looking to make a deposit?"

"No. A withdrawal actually," I said.

"What? Why?" he said.

"Artificial insemination, of course," I said.

"Oh, right," he said.

He dropped me off in front of the building and said, "Good luck."

"Thanks," I said. "I'll need it."

He drove off.

I walked into the sperm bank and looked around. Nothing looked out of the ordinary. There was a woman at the front desk and a bunch of patients waiting patiently in chairs in the lobby. I walked up to the front desk and said, "Hi, uh, how do I do this? I made a deposit a while ago and I want to withdraw it. The missus and I changed our minds and decided to start a family. And well, they already did the ol' 'snip snip', so we'll have to do it the artificial way.

"They cut off your penis?" She said, shocked.

"No. I got a vasectomy," I said.

"Oh, right," she said. "What's the name?"

I didn't know if Lucifer would use a fake name or not, so I just went with his real name. The one he used at the bar. "Lucifer Morningstar."

"Ok," the woman said as she typed on the keyboard, then suddenly she stopped. She looked at me with a meaningful look and stood up. She quickly gathered flames into her hands and blasted me in the chest with it. I flew across the room and tumbled to the floor. Luckily, Lucifer had left me invulnerable, or I'd have a hole in my chest.

The patients waiting in the lobby all looked at the woman in shock, and then they stood up and generated fire whips in their hands. "Oh shit," I said. It was a trap. I drew Azrael's sword.

"It's a trap!" Lilith said.

"Thank you, but I can see that!" I said.

The demons all pulled their arms back to swing their whips at me. In a split second, as soon as they swung their whips, I ducked down and lifted the sword up over my head, catching all the whips on the sword.

Lilith knew what I was planning. "Don't you dare!"

"I have to! There's too many of them!" I said.

"Don't you do it!" Lilith said.

"I'm sorry," I said.

I focused on the sword and tried to search for the mental switch or mechanism that allowed Sarah to pull Lilith into the sword. When I found it, I focused on it, drawing the whips and the demons into the sword. After a few moments, all the demons except the fake receptionist had been drawn into the sword. To follow up, I ran up to the front desk and slashed horizontally at her. She feebly put her arms up, but it did nothing to protect her. The sword cut her in half and she fell to the floor.

"Get off me!" Lilith said from within the sword. The sword began to flash orange.

"I said get off! Move!" she said.

"If you're not gonna stop crowding me, I'll make you stop! Ahhh!!!!" The sword flashed orange several times, and it grew hot in my hands. Gouts of flame shot out of the sword and then everything was silent.

"There. That's better. All alone, once again," Lilith said. "Don't you ever do that again!"

"Yes, ma'am," I said, a little intimidated.

The lights turned off, and the lobby went dark. A voice came on over a loudspeaker. It sounded gravelly and menacing. "I see you've fallen into my trap, Dave. My name is Harvey. I plan to eliminate you here once and for all. You've evaded my minions long enough. It ends now! As you can see, I've gathered more than enough men to take care of you." There was a short silence and then, "Wait, where did my men go?"

I heard a series of buttons getting pressed on a console and his voice went through a series of changes, seemingly accidental. It got more gravelly and impossible to understand, then high pitched and shrill. "Ah, screw it! I'll just go no filter." The voice changed to something nasally and high pitched. "What did you do with my men?"

"I killed them," I said.

"Actually, I killed them," Lilith said proudly.

"Yeah, she killed them," I said.

"You did what?!?!" he said. "No matter. I'll send in the big gun."

Sarah ran through the patient door into the lobby. "Dave!" she said angrily.

"Oh, not this again," I said.

"You'll notice I gave her a few upgrades since last time. I found your weakness, Dave. Your ex-girlfriend who secretly still loves you, but I brainwashed her to turn that love into hate. Now die!" Harvey said.

Sarah began to run toward me, but I put my hand out and said, "Stop! Wait! Who are you again? What is happening? How do you know who I am?"

"Didn't I just explain that?" he said.

"Explain it better. Explain it like I'm five," I said.

"Fine! I am Harvey. I'm an imp. The lowest of the low among demons. Well, technically, hell spawn are lower, but they grow up bigger and stronger than us, so it doesn't count! All my life, I've been ordered around by so called 'greater demons'."

I could hear him using air quotes. "Well, no more! I have read every demon text known to demons and I've learned all the magics there are to know! I can make magic medallions! I even looked into the future to see if my plan worked, but no. Some random guy named Dave who recently entered into a bet with the Devil defeated me! So I researched you and found out the person closest to you."

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"My mother?" I said, a little worried.

"No! Haven't you been paying attention? I mean, Sarah!" he said.

"Oh, right," I said, smacking my forehead.

"The person closest to you, Sarah, is your weakness because you can't kill her! She secretly still cares about you! Only a monster would kill her, and you're not a monster, are you Dave?" he said.

"No, I'm not," I said, sounding disappointed.

"Yes! See? I got you! Because she is your weakness, she will win the fight and you will die, allowing me, Harvey, to win! I purposely leaked the information about the heist to Lilith, so she would lead you here into my trap! This way, you can't stop me from birthing the Antichrist and bringing about the end of the world! Ha ha ha! I, Harvey, am a genius!" he said.

"I'm guessing you already found Lucifer's sperm then?" I said.

"No! Weren't you listening? This is a trap, a diversion, a distraction, a bamboozle, etc. Lucifer didn't put his sperm under his own name, obviously! He must have put it under some fake name, the clever Devil."

"Wait, then how are you going to birth the Antichrist?" I said.

"Easy! We kidnapped the Devil and are making him do it for us! I found his weakness too! Satyrs. Goat women. They're like catnip to him. He can't resist!"

"Who's 'we'?" I asked.

"The other imps, of course! Haven't you been listening! Me and my imp brethren are tired of being trampled on! Soon, we will be doing the trampling! Ha ha ha!"

"Wait, I'm still confused. Why did you bring Sarah from the future? Couldn't you just use present Sarah?" I said.

"This is present, Sarah, you idiot! The future thing was a mislead, a trick, a lie, etc."

"Oh. I hate lying," I said, angrily.

"Well, none of that matters anymore because soon you will die! Go Sarah! Kill your evil ex-boyfriend!" Harvey said.

"Wait! What are you going to do?" I said.

"I'm going to lunch. I'm hungry. Goodbye forever, Dave," he said. He must have left the microphone on because I hear him get out of his chair and awkwardly open the door to leave. "Why are doors so damn heavy in the human world?" He said to himself.

"That was weird," I said, looking at Sarah.

"You're telling me," Lilith said.

Sarah stood frozen awkwardly until she finally animated and pointed a finger at me. "I hate you, Dave! I'm going to kill you now!"

"Damn it!" I said, lifting the sword. "I'm not the enemy, Sarah! Snap out of it!"

"I don't know how!" she said suddenly, with a panicked look on her face. Then the angry expression came back. "Grr!"

"Oh no," I said.

"Oh no," Lilith said.

"Oh, yeah!" Sarah said, pointing her fist at me. A blast of ice shot out of her hand that I blocked with the sword. It froze the sword and a ton of ice accumulated on it until I couldn't lift it anymore and dropped it.

"Shit!" I said, diving behind a bench.

The bench got blasted with ice. Sarah kept blasting while walking around to flank me. I tried to run out of there to find more cover, and I succeeded, but she got my feet. She froze them both. Now it was like I was walking to two blocks of ice, because I was.

Once I was out of view, I crouched down and scrambled across the floor to flank her right back. She kept blasting ice around the lobby, not knowing where I was, until I got behind her and put my arm around her throat. She blasted my arm with ice, which froze my arm around her neck.

I grabbed for the chain around her neck to pull it off her head, but it was partially frozen to my arm. I had to push her neck forward to get the chain with the medallions off her head.

"Ow, ow, ow!" she said.

"I'm sorry!" I said.

"Me too!" she said.

"Really?" I said, pausing for a moment.

"No!" She blasted the side of my face with ice.

Now half of my head was frozen. I was very lucky to be invincible right now. Otherwise I'd be incredibly dead. It was still cold as hell and it hurt.

I pulled and pulled at the necklace as cracks began to form in the ice, holding it in place. She froze my whole right leg next. With one final yank, I pulled the chain necklace free and dropped it to the floor.

"Dave?" Sarah said, shakily.

"Yes, Sarah?" I said.

"Why are you choking me?" she said.

"I'm actually frozen like this. I can't move. I will explain later. Right now, we need to get to that sword on the ground in front of us. Will you move with me?" I said.

"Rahhhh!!!!" Lilith yelled as the sword's flames blazed and the ice around the sword melted.

"Ok, Dave, but you owe me a better explanation than your crotch against my butt," she said.

"I'm sorry!" I said. "We were fighting, and that's just where my crotch ended up!"

"We were fighting? Why?" she said.

"As I said, I'll explain later. Let's get to the sword!" I said.

"Ok!" she said and began to work with me to walk toward the sword.

After concerted effort, we made it to the sword.

"Lilith, flame up and melt my leg," I said. "I can't crouch down like this to grab you."

"Ok. Here goes," she said. "Ahhh!!!" Flames burst out of the sword and unfroze my right leg and both my feet while catching my left leg on fire.

I crouched down and patted the fire out. Then I grabbed the sword and stood back up. I pressed it against my frozen arm and said, "Ok, two more times!"

"Ok! Ahhhh!!!!!" Flames melted my arm and I could finally remove it from around Sarah's neck.

Sarah turned around and gasped. "What happened to your face?"

"You froze it," I said.

"How are you still conscious?" she said with her hands over her mouth in horror.

"Uh, very carefully?" I said, making a joke. I pressed the sword against the frozen side of my head. "One more time, Lilith. Do you have to scream every time? It's a little disturbing."

"Yes, I do. Ahhh!!!!" she said, melting the side of my head and face.

I flexed and cracked my neck. "That's much better," I said, with a feeling of relief.

"Now, explain Dave! What the hell is going on?" Sarah said.

"Someone named Harvey is trying to kick start the apocalypse, and they brainwashed you into fighting me, because they saw you as my weakness," I said.

"Really?" she said.

"Don't you remember?" I said.

"A little bit. It's very fuzzy. Kind of like it was all a dream, but I'm guessing it wasn't?" she said.

"No, it wasn't," I said.

"So, I really killed a giant tentacle monster, stabbed you, some other guy, and absorbed a woman into a sword?" she said.

"…Yes," I said. "When you say it like that, it sounds ridiculous."

"So what are you doing in all this?" she asked.

"I'm trying to save the world from the Antichrist being born," I said.

"Ok. How do we do that?" she said.

"We can't now. Harvey said he already has Lucifer, so I have to wait until he either calls or the Antichrist shows up," I said.

"Hmm. Have you tried calling him?" she said.

"No, I haven't tried calling him. Do you really think these people would go to the trouble of kidnapping him and not take his phone away?" I said.

"Hey, don't bite my head off, mister. I have more of a right to be angry than you, and you don't see me blowing my top," she said, with a stern look.

"You're right," I said. "What the hell. I'll call him. It couldn't hurt, right?"

I reverse dialed the number Lucifer called from last night. It rang a few times. I was about to hang up the phone when the call connected.

"This is Lucifer. How may I help you?" he said.

"Lucifer, where are you?" I asked.

"I got you! This is my voicemail box! Leave a message after the bell tolls. Ding!" he said. He sounded out of breath.

Why did he sound out of breath in a voicemail? That made no sense. No one would record a voicemail out of breath. Hold on.

"This isn't a voicemail, you jackass! Be serious for once!" I said.

"No! I refuse! Besides, you abandoned me, remember?" he said.

"I'm sorry, ok? I heard they kidnapped you. Are you ok?" I said.

"I'm fine. More than fine, really," he said, still sounding out of breath.

Something was suspicious. And then a thought ran through my head. He couldn't be in the middle of doing the thing Harvey was trying to trick him into doing, could he? Could he?

"Hold on. What are you doing right now?" I said.

"I'm kind of busy right now. Can we do this later?" he said.

"You're not 'getting busy' right now, are you? With goat women?" I asked.

"How did you know?" he said.

"It's a trap! Pull out! Abort!" I said.

"It's a little too late for that," he said. "About 69 times too late."

"Wait, really?" I said incredulously. There's no way he's done it 69 times already.

"No. I just wanted to say '69'. But it is too late for that. Why? What's the trap? I don't get it," he said.

"They're trying to get you to birth the Antichrist to start the apocalypse," I said.

"Oh, shit. I'm screwed. Figuratively and literally. Alright, I'm gonna bust out of here. I'll call you to come pick me up when I figure out where I am," he said and hung up. I put my phone back in my pocket.

"What happened?" Sarah asked.

"We're screwed. The Antichrist is coming," I said. Great. Just great.