Chapter Two Hundred and Seventeen - Colourless Green Ideas Slither Furiously

I was the first one down the ladder through the well and into the dungeon's central cave, mostly owing to the fact that I had a skirt, and it would be a bit rude to have someone go first.

Emmanuel came last. He was very much not built for ladders, so it was strange seeing him climb down, all six limbs working carefully to hang onto the ladder until he twisted around and jumped off to land on solid ground.

Amaryllis created a couple of lights to supplement the glowing mushrooms and moss and such, and we all kind of just... decompressed for a bit.

“That was awful,” I said.

“It can be a tough one,” Howard said. “But if we’re all here, that means that none of us are Mist-folk. They can’t leave their floor.”

“So we all made it out alive and hale,” Bastion said. “Other than one minor injury.”

“Hardly much of an injury,” Amaryllis said.

I think that her pride was bruised a bit more than her flesh.

“We should relax for a bit,” I said. “I need it.”

“I suppose,” Emmanuel replied. “Though I am looking forward to a bit more of a challenge.”

I didn’t. That last floor had been terrible. “I hope the next floor isn't so rude,” I said.

Awen pat me on the back. “It’ll be okay. Do you want to make some tea?” she asked.

No one seemed to think that was a bad idea, so we found a spot nearby that was nice and flat, laid down some blankets and sat around for a bit of tea. Bastion let me use the water in one of his waterskins, and I set out the little tin mugs I carried with me on the ground while the water came to a slow boil.

“Do you have a lot of trouble with that last floor?” I asked Howard.

“No, not really,” Howard said. “But then, most of the time we’re no more than three. Not all of us are close friends too. The occasional undeserved slap is the worst that usually happens, though it can take a while to get through the floor. Sometimes the town keeps shifting around and you can get mighty lost.”

“Huh,” I said. “It was really hard for us. Well, at least for me.”

“Different folk have different challenges,” Howard said. “Didn’t expect it, else I’d have tried to prepare more things for the floor. Maybe give you all some pickled fish to carry in your pockets.” I wasn’t the only one giving him a strange look. “For the smell.”

“Oh,” I said.

Bastion took his cup when I handed it over. “The next floor, what can you tell us about it?”

“Third floor. That one’s interesting,” Howard said. “Not usually a problem. The challenge is fairly straightforward, most of the time. There’s a bit of fighting, though. That wasn’t always the case.”

Emmanuel perked up at that. “Fighting?”

“Yep. The next floor opens up in this cave with a sort of castle in it. Some folk call it a mansion, but I don’t rightly think anyone from Insmouth has seen a mansion before. Used to be that the monsters outside it would leave you alone, but they’ve grown aggressive since that root settled in. Big squid-like creatures. Not an easy fight, but not too tough either. Those that aren’t aggressive should just be left to mind their own.”

“Is that the whole of it?” I asked. Awen sipped her tea and made a bit of a face, so I rooted around for some honey in my pack. I still had a little somewhere.

“No, no. The challenge is inside the castle,” Howard said. “There’s a creature, a grand monster, incomprehensible to gaze upon. He has more eyes than there are stars in the sky, and his grasp reaches across his domain.”

I swallowed.

“His name is Jim, and he wants to have tea and talk,” Howard continued.

I paused, my teacup by my lips. “Huh?”

The fishman shrugged. “I’m being honest. The monster wants you to sit down at his table and talk. He is very polite, but you need to answer his questions.” Howard shifted. “You need to answer them honestly. He will often ask very probing questions. They can make things quite awkward. But it’s better to be honest than to fight him.”

“That sounds like a lot of fun,” I said. “We just need to answer some questions?”

“And do some small talk,” Howard said. “It’s not a problem if you’re bad at it. Jim’s good at teasing things out. Once we’re done, we can walk out the back of the castle and into the next part of the cavern. Then it’s on to the final floor.”

“No tricks?” I asked.

“None that we ever noticed,” Howard said.

Amaryllis hummed. “Not the strangest floor challenge I’ve heard of. Perhaps it’s fitting, seeing as how the second floor was so difficult.”

“This floor’s fairly new,” Howard said. “The newest this dungeon’s gotten.”

“How often do dungeons get new floors?” I asked. “And where do they appear?”

Howard shrugged. “Can’t speak for other dungeons, but Insmouth’s had two floors when we arrived. The second floor that we have now arrived when my dad was young, and this third floor appeared some five or so years back.”

“What do you mean by ‘where do they appear?’” Amaryllis asked. “Obviously, the answer is ‘in the dungeon.”

“No, I mean, in which order. Does a new floor always appear between the boss’s floor and the floor before that?”

“Ah,” Amaryllis shook her head. “No, they’ll appear in any order. I don’t think there’s a pattern to it. Or if there is a pattern, it’s likely unique to each dungeon.”

“Neat,” I said. I cleaned my cup, and rattled my kettle to confirm that it was empty. “We’ll be drinking a lot of tea today, huh?” I asked.

We packed things up, and I made sure to take a second to check on Amaryllis, just to confirm she was really fine. Bastion’s bandages were holding up nicely, and a bit of Cleaning magic ensured that we didn’t need to replace them just yet. The potion seemed to have done the trick.

A case of literary theft: this tale is not rightfully on Amazon; if you see it, report the violation.

Amaryllis tried to shrug me off, of course, but only for show.

“Just over here,” Howard said as we continued down the tunnel. The path forked again, and this time Howard led us to the right, down a passage that spiraled a ways into the dark.

“Anything you can tell us about the monsters on this floor? The ones we’re likely to have to fight?” Bastion asked.

“They’re tall, many-tentacled beasts. Strange colour to them; makes your eyes hurt to look too long. Otherwise, fairly weak if you get into a fight. Good range, on account of all the tentacles, but weak and slow.”

“That’s a nice change,” I said. “Are they smart?”

“Smart? No more than a dog, I figure,” Howard said.

The path curved and Howard slowed down. “It’s just in there. You might want to be ready.” The old fishman patted his pouches down, then tugged out a knife from his belt. It was one of those knives with a hook on the end, for cutting ropes. “Some of them will run right for us.”

“Right,” I said. “Bastion, Emmanuel, can you take the flanks? Awen and Amaryllis are good at range. I’ll be in the middle with Howard. Call out if you need any help!”

We rearranged ourselves quickly. I hefted my spade, and followed Howard into the third floor, expecting the worst, but hoping for the best.

The third floor was a cavern. A huge one, with a ceiling so high that I could only-just make it out. A hole to one side let in a thick beam of bright light, filtered by a canopy of leaves and vines that dyed a portion of the light pale green.

The floor was as rocky as I expected, though there was a big area that had been smoothed by time and water, which had collected into a stagnant basin near the back.

And then there was the castle.

I could see why someone would call it a mansion. The building sticking out of the wall had plenty of wide windows and it just looked more like a very prestigious and rich home than it did some sort of fortification. It was made entirely of stone, the same rock that made up the walls all around us. The front, where a garden might have been on a more normal home, was filled with stone spikes as tall as I was jutting out of the ground, and the back and sides of the building merged seamlessly into the cavern walls.

Movement had me turning away from that and focusing instead on... things.

Howard had described them rather poorly. The monsters here, if they were really monsters, were tall and lithe, with long robes that trailed on the ground around them and hats with wide brims that cast deep shadows over their faces.

There were maybe a dozen of them, dotted out across the room.

One noticed us, then started to walk closer.

No, not walk. It was... sliding?

I took a moment of observing to figure it out. The monster wasn’t wearing any sort of robe. Its ‘robe’ was entirely made up of thick tentacles, layered over each other and draping down to its... well, where its feet would be if it didn’t just have more tentacles.

It was really dark, or maybe more of a purple? I narrowed my eyes and tried to decide what colour the monster was, but I couldn’t make it out. It was definitely a colour. Either yellow or pink. It wasn’t changing colours either, it was just--

“Don’t stare too much, lass,” Howard said.

“Right,” I muttered with a shake of my head.

A Colourless of Insmouth, agitated, level 10.

“Get ready,” Bastion said. We formed a rough line, with Howard stepping back a bit, and both Bastion and Emmanuel coming to the front.

I cleared my throat and lowered my spade. “Hello Mister Colourless. My name is Broccoli. We’re just here to see the core, would you min-- eep!” I hopped back as the front of the monster’s robes split and a long, rope-like tendril... kind of flopped in my general direction?

If it was supposed to be a whip, then it was a whip flicked by someone who didn’t work out very much.

“Huh,” I said.

Bastion and Emmanuel both shot forwards and skewered the Colourless with the points of their swords.

It proceeded to flop onto the ground, dead.

“That was... underwhelming,” I said.

“They’re not very good in a fight,” Howard said.

“More of them are coming,” Amaryllis pointed out.

A glance deeper in the room revealed five had broken away from the main group, all slithering and wobbling our way. Sometimes their ‘hats’ would rise enough that I could make out the big, cuttlefish-like eyes underneath.

The rest of the Colourless were standing here and there, minding their own business.

“Weird,” I said.

“Free experience,” Amaryllis countered. Her hand flashed out and a beam of crackling light speared out ahead, twisted in the air, and crashed into one of the monsters, sending it reeling back even as sparks danced across its oily skin.

I didn’t know how to feel about that. Then again, I was pretty miffed at the dungeon.

“Oh hoh! A fight then!” Emmanuel said. He immediately broke formation and ran ahead, sword swinging above his head.

“Wait!” Bastion called back. “That idiot.”

I heard Awen sigh before she raised her crossbow. “Sorry Broc,” she said.

“What for?” I asked.

“I know you wanted to try talking first,” Awen said. “It’s a good thing, but I don’t think it would have worked here.”

“Oh,” I said. “Yeah.”

Awen smiled, then she fired a bolt with a dull thump and one of the Colourless flopped to the ground.

I sighed. At least it was better than the last floor. Much better.

***