KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

“Open up, Harvet! We know you’re in there!” I shouted. I pressed my ear against the rough wood door and listened intently. There was a papery shuffling, the clinking of glass, and a few hoarse groans. I banged on the door a few more times just to rile him up. “Wakey wakey! Rise and shine! You’re keeping a couple of pretty girls waiting, you know!”

“Maybe you shouldn’t be so loud so early in the morning,” said Sherri from my left. She was standing next to me with her hands cutely tucked away behind her back. You wouldn’t be able to tell if you were just passing by, but she had her glittering gold knife at the ready. She leaned in closer and dropped her voice. “It might not be a good idea to make a scene, people are watching.”

I glanced side to side and saw numerous shabby, bleary-eyed heads hanging out of grimy windows and cracked doors. All of them were gawking at us like we were a pair of gaudy circus performers. The nosy jerks. I jeered in every direction and scared them off.

“Not my fault he’s being so slow,” I finally grumbled.

We were in the crummy, rundown part of town, as you’ve probably picked up. It was dirty, dreary, and reeked of destitution. The buildings were all low and ramshackle, the people were scruffy and sullen, and even the air felt like wished it was somewhere else. Just thinking about it puts a bad smell in my nose. It totally was not the kind of place Sherri or I would have gone of our own free will. But still, we found ourselves reluctantly standing there that muggy morning.

You see, we’d run a little short on kinos, having only three left between us, and we’d needed to earn some more fast unless we wanted to use a ditch as a bed and have worms for dinner that night. Our initial reaction had been to loudly lament our situation in a public park hoping that someone would donate to our cause, but nobody took the bait. Not even when Sherri pinched herself to force some crocodile tears out.

Instead, we’d gotten approached by a short, stubby mole of a man with a big grin and a bigger hat. He’d introduced himself as “Avris, Mister Avris, Professional Loan Broker”, and said he’d be more than happy to give us a little work in our time of need. He had dressed to his profession in a red and yellow polka-dot outfit that screamed “Look at me!” Obviously, I’d wanted to tell him to buzz off since I could practically see the smarm dripping from his lips, but Sherri pulled me aside right as I was about to call him a polka-dotted purse pincher.

“Wait, Darni,” she’d said, “Let’s not be stupid about this.” She sharpened her eyes until they were daggers. “He looks like he’s got some money to toss around. Money that could be ours!”

And so, I crossed my arms and listened as he prattled on and on about the morality of loans and debts, and how he hated seeing girls like ourselves in such a sorry state, and how he was deeply sorry for saying we were in a sorry state, and how he could help us get out of the sorry state he was sorry he had said we were in, and yadda yadda you get the picture! He just kept talking and talking and talking until I couldn’t take it anymore! It’d have been a different story if he’d been saying something interesting, but he was just talking to talk at that point!

Anyway! He handed us a business card and wrote us a little note detailing our job. We were to collect an outstanding debt from some schlub named Harvet and bring the collected funds to his office before nightfall. If we managed to get it in on time, he’d give us a big fat reward for our trouble. If not . . . he didn’t say. I imagine he’d sic his thugs or mooks, which a guy like him was bound to have in spades, after us if we came beating on his door.

BANG BANG BANG

I beat Harvet’s door again and grabbed a nice big rock off the ground. If I knew one thing about people in those sorts of seedy districts, it was that they hated solicitors more than anything. A nice throwable rock would act as a decent enough deterrent. There was more groaning, a yawn, and the splashing of water from inside. I stepped back and readied my rock right as the door swung inwards.

“What’s all the noise about?” grumbled Harvet. “Do you not know what time it is!?”

Harvet looked about how I expected. Skinny, raggedy black hair, untrimmed stubble, sunken green eyes with dark spots underneath. He was wearing a pair of stained green pants that had been torn or cut at the ankles and, more importantly, had a hastily fastened sword at his hip. It was probably to ward off any unruly solicitors. The scene behind him was equally messy. A small table, half-eaten plates of food, piles of empty bottles, and a sullied woven mattress.

It was a hovel through and through.

I lowered my rock and frowned. Would he even have anything for us to collect? Would we be forced to rifle through his things looking for something to sell? I winced at the thought. I could only imagine how filthy it all was.

“Um, we’re here on behalf of . . .” said Sherri. She grabbed the note from her tunic pocket and scanned it quickly. “The Avris Financing Group, your number one stop for all your financing needs! If you’re in need of a loan for any reason, don’t be afraid to stop by and—”

I slapped my hand over her mouth to shut her up.

“I think that’s enough,” I said. It was embarrassing enough working for a loan shark. We didn’t need to be giving him free advertising to boot.

Harvet’s eyes went so wide they almost fell out of their sockets.

“You heard her!” I said. “We’re here because you haven’t paid your debt.” I held my hand out. “Pay up and we’ll get out of your hair.”

“My debt . . .“ he said slowly. He stuck his head out of the door just a bit and glanced side to side quickly. “Right, my debt! You know, I completely forgot about that! Let me just fetch my, uh, bag where I keep my kinos.” He pointed his thumb over his shoulder. "Wait right here.”

He retreated back inside and bent over near a window on the far end of his room. He crouched down, donned a frayed backpack and—

CRASH

Dove right through the window without another word. I stood there, mouth agape, for a few long seconds while I processed what had just happened. The instant my wits returned I rushed inside and kicked his table over. That rat! How dare he run from us! He had a sword! He could have at least tried to fight us off! I stuck my head out the broken window and saw him running along a rooftop down below. Geez, by the time we made our way over to that street he’d be long gone!

I turned around to ask Sherri what to do and deftly ducked as she flew over me like a graceful swan. She went zipping out the window as well.

“Come back!” she cried. “You have to pay your debt! If you don’t, I won’t get my money! Ah! I don’t want to sleep in a ditch tonight!!”

“You mean our money!” I called.

“Our money!” echoed her voice as she got further away.

Without missing a beat, I jumped through the window myself, landed on the roof below, and chased after her. I hadn’t considered running along the rooftops ourselves!

We raced after Harvet, sunbaked shingles cracking and crunching underfoot. Thankfully the buildings here were all pretty uniform in height, so all we had to worry about was jumping from building to building as we went. Even then, Harvet was faster than he looked. He was leaping across wide streets, ziplining across overladen clotheslines, and twirling around thin chimneys like he’d been doing it all his life.

It was like we were chasing a monkey through an overgrown jungle.

Eventually, after way too long, we cornered him on a roof that overlooked a small creek. Women were washing clothes, children were splashing each other, and old men were soaking their aching feet. Harvet was standing on the roof’s edge with his hands on his narrow hips.

“Looks like we’ve got you cornered, Harvet!” I shouted. I chucked my rock at him as hard as I could. In response, he leaned to the side and watched silently as it conked some poor fool down below on the head.

Harvet turned around. “You shouldn’t be throwing stones around like that, girlie!” he said with a smile. “Just imagine If you’d have knocked my block off! I’d never be able to pay in that case!”

“Not like you—"

“You don’t plan to pay anyway!” cried Sherri, cutting me off. It was a little rude, but I could let it slide. She stomped forward, her eyes sharp, and glared at him. “It’s not just you that’s in trouble! If we can’t get this money we’re out of luck!” She pointed her knife at him and slashed at the air. “And I don’t like being out of luck!”

Harvet raised his hands. “Whoa there! Calm down and put the blade away! We’re all cool-headed folks, aren’t we? No need to be swinging something like that around!”

“Huh?” Sherri looked down at her hand and realized what she’d been doing. She froze, then shoved her knife in her boot and blushed. “S-Sorry about that . . .”

“A punk like this doesn’t deserve an apology!” I snapped. I stepped forward and scowled at Harvet. “If you don’t have any kinos, just say so! I don’t feel like wasting my time on a meaningless goosechase!”

“Oh, I can pay just fine, but I’m not giving you or your crooked boss a single kino!” said Harvet mockingly. He thumbed his nose and stuck out of his tongue like a snot-nosed brat. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got somewhere I need to be! Hahahaha!” He spun around and jumped off the roof.

SPLOOSH

He landed in the creek below and sent water spraying all over the innocent people. He then apologized to a few of them before bolting down the creek’s length and around a far-off corner.

I stood there flaring my nostrils and flexing my fingers like claws. Make a fool of me once and I get mad, make a fool of me twice and I get furious!

“That does it! We’re shaking every last coin out of him!” I announced to myself. “Come on Sherri, we’re going to make him sorry!”

I jumped down off the roof and startled the poor creek-goers even worse than Harvet had. It’s not every day you see a cute girl in fancy armor and a miniskirt dropping from the sky. That goes double for one with the legendary sword on her back. Just when everyone had recovered from their shock, Sherri landed bottom-first right next to me.

We spent the next hour turning that dreg heap upside-down. We buzzed up and down the dusty streets like a couple of enraged hornets kicking open every battered door, toppling every overfull trashcan, and interrogating every unlucky passerby. Most of them were tight-lipped, claiming they didn’t know who I was talking about and didn’t care where he went. I knew the truth though. They were covering for one of their own! I bet every hard-eyed goon in sight was in cahoots!

Eventually we came across a shady bar that reeked of smoke and sweat. Men were lying on the ground outside clutching bottles and murmuring to themselves about their woes. I stepped over a few of them and pushed the thin iron door open. The inside was dim, lit only by the glazed lanterns on the counter and on each round table. The patrons were all hard-faced, scarred, and armed to the teeth. Each one had at least three bottles set out in from of him. The bartender, a tall blonde man wearing little round glasses, looked like he was so jaded he’d serve Opposto a drink if he walked in. A tired-eyed woman was sitting in the corner plinking away at the keys of a busted-up piano singing some discordant song that got lost in the murmurs of quiet conversation. It wasn’t the kind of place pretty girls like us were welcome in, nor was it the sort of place I’d enter without a reason.

I walked up to the counter and slammed my hands on its oddly smooth, polished top. You’d think a place like that would have a counter covered in splinters and scuffs, right? The piano woman stopped her song, the conversations died in an instant, and every man in the place put his hand on his weapon.

“We’re looking for a man named Harvet,” I said to the bartender. He was carefully washing a stout glass. “He’s about this tall, dirty, wearing green pants and a backpack. He had a sword on his hip last we saw him.”

He squinted at me down his long nose and set the glass down. “And what do you plan to do once you find this illusive Mister Harvet?” he asked. “I assume it’s nothing pleasant.”

I crawled up onto the counter and looked him square in the eyes. “What we do is none of your business!” I said. “Now do you know where he is or not?”

The bartender cracked his neck and said, “I may, I may not. Who’s to say?”

“Don’t tell them nothing!” barked one of the patrons.

“I don’t plan on it!” retorted the bartender. He smiled at me with fake sincerity. “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I don’t think this is the sort of place for a pair of dames like yourselves. I don’t think the fellas are taking too kindly to you making a scene either.”

A few grumbles of agreement came from the patrons.

Sherri pulled Avris’ note from her pocket and slid it across the countertop. “We just need some information,” she said. “Give it to us and we’ll be on our way.”

The bartender pursed his lips and took the note. He scanned it up and down, frowned, and slapped it back down.

“I’m going to have to ask you two to leave the premises immediately. Your kind aren’t welcome here,” he spat.

“Our kind!?” I said. “What do you mean our kind!?”

I get we weren’t the usual clientele, but that was just rude!

“Debt collectors!” he growled. “I will not have such scum sullying my establishment! Out! Get out!” he pointed at the door and bared his teeth.

“Who are you calling scum!” I shouted. “Have you seen who you’re serving?”

“How dare you insult my regulars!”

“I feel like they call each other worse . . .” peeped Sherri.

“Don’t worry about a thing, barkeep,” said one of the patrons. He stood up and drew a short, thick-bladed sword. ‘I’ll make ‘em leave for ya!”

“Ha, sounds like fun!” said another. He kicked his chair back and pulled out a pair of long daggers. “Been a while since I’ve gotten to teach a collector a lesson!”

Soon every thug in the room was inching towards us with his weapon at the ready. I drew Bravesreign and jumped off the countertop. If it was a fight they wanted, it was a fight they’d get!

“Wha— not again! Stop dirtying my precious counter! Do you have any idea how long it takes to buff out those scratches!?” cried the bartender. I glanced to the side and saw that Sherri had climbed up on it with her bow in hand. Looks like we were on the same wavelength as usual.

“You can wipe it off after!” she said. She notched a trio of arrows and drew her bowstring back.

CLANG SWOOSH CLANG

I repelled three swords at once and whirled around for a follow-up strike. All three men went flying backwards as Bravesreign smacked them in the stomach and crashed into the jerks behind them. Before I knew it another guy, this one wearing a horned helmet, came at me with a chipped hatchet. I ducked under his swing and tripped him, sending his face smashing into the counter’s edge. The bartender let out a wail about how much it would cost to replace it, but I quickly turned him out when he kept on whining.

THUNK THUNK

Sherri was firing arrows in twos and threes, each snap of her bowstring thinning the crowd that was shambling towards me. After about thirty seconds a couple of men in the back pulled out small hand ballistae and fired back at her. She tumbled and twirled across the counter’s surface dodging them like an elegant dancer, all the while returning twice as many projectiles.

I lunged at a huge man with an equally huge sword. He brought the sword down on my head, but I deftly parried his strike to the side. His blade cleaved straight through a table and wedged itself so deep in the floor it’d take a whole crew to yank it free. I kicked him in the stomach and bashed his protruding chin in with the top of my head. Before I could gloat, another burly man decked out in a full suit of coppery armor thrust a spiked shield at me.

I jumped up, my high heels catching the top edge of his shield, and vaulted into the air.

“Jumping— Brute— Beater!”

WHAM

Bravesreign’s flat side smashed the top of his head flat like a pancake. Just in case you’re new here, I use the flat part against people because I’m not a murderer. I’m also squeamish.

You might be reading a pirated copy. Look for the official release to support the author.

I landed behind him and stepped aside as he fell backwards like a big stack of bricks. There were stars in his eyes and he was mumbling something about dandelions. I kicked him in the shoulder one last time and turned to face my next lumbering foes.

A few minutes later a towering pile of battered brutes lay in the center of the bar. The tables and chairs were in pieces, broken glass and spilled drink littered the floor, and the bartender’s beloved counter was scraped so bad he’d have to replace the entire thing. I stowed Bravesreign away and turned to the bartender, who had gone completely white.

“Do you feel like telling us where Harvet is now? I asked. I put my hands on my hips and shot him a look that said “You better, or else.”

“Y-Yes, of course,” he mumbled. “Mister Harvet is in there . . .” He pointed at an unassuming door in the back corner of the bar.

I thanked him for cooperating and went over to the door. I flung it open and felt my stomach do backflips as a horrible stench rolled past. Harvet was sitting there on top of an old wood toilet clutching his knees to his chest. He grinned at me like a naughty child that’s been caught red-handed. I grabbed him by the arm and tossed him to the ground.

“No more running away!” I said. I drove my foot into the square of his back and pressed down just enough to make it hurt. “You’re coughing up those kinos whether you like it not!”

“You think I’d be running if I had anything to pay it with!?” he wailed. “Please let me go! I’m just a simple fella! Not a kino to my name! I’m not even worth the effort of hunting down!”

“You can say that again,” I grumbled. “Sherri, please check his bag.”

“Oh it,” she said. Sherri knelt down next to him and flipped open his backpack. She tossed a bunch of junk all over the floor, a couple of half-drunk bottles, a few pieces of hard bread, a pencil, a notebook, and . . . a little bag of jingling something! “Bingo!”

She held the bag close and yanked its drawstring open. One look inside and her smile flipped over into a deep frown.

“It’s just a bunch of counterfeits,” she sighed. She pulled out a fake kino, inspected it, and licked it away. “They’re terrible too. You’d have to be blind to mistake them for the real deal.”

“Told you I’m harp up!” said Harvet. He wiggled underfoot and grabbed the notebook that Sherri had tossed from his bag. “I know how to make some dough, though! Just take a look at this!” He flipped through the notebook’s pages and stopped on a pair with a bunch of hastily scrawled diagrams.

I took it from him and looked it over. It looked like a map of a small fort or castle of some sort. There were lines representing the patrol routes of the guards, multiple plans of attack for each point of entry, positions to take in case he got found, and even a few escape plans he could follow once he secured a treasure he’d labeled “The Goods”.

I lightened the pressure I was putting on his spine just a little bit and said, “Explain,” as flatly as I could.

Harvet sighed with so much relief you’d have thought I was dangling him off a cliff. “Well, you see, there’s this band of downright criminal’s, a band of real nasty fellas, that’ve been stealing from all of us poor folks for years! As you can see, I was planning on raiding their warehouse and taking a bit of it back! I was gonna take everything I could for myself, but I’d be more than happy to let you two, uh, lovely ladies have a share! If you’re willing to help me out, that is.”

I crossed my arms and furrowed my brow. Working with a skeevy guy like Harvet wasn’t my cup of tea, but I’d much rather bust up a gang of ruffians than collect debts for an obviously rotten guy like Avris. I scanned over Harvet’s plan again. He did seem to have everything figured out. If it worked, we’d probably have enough kinos to last us a while without worry. But then again, what if he was plotting some big double-crossing scheme? Something like whacking us in the backs of the heads when we were reveling in our victory and taking everything for himself? I scrunched my face and looked down at Sherri.

“I dunno. What do you think?” I asked her.

She put her finger to her chin and thought it over for a second. “I don’t see why not,” she said. “It’s not like Avris is going to pay us now anyway. And we still need those kinos . . .”

“Good point.” I removed my foot from Harvet’s back. “We’re only agreeing to this because we’re desperate, got that? Try and funny business and we’ll beat you so bad you’ll wish you were one of those guys!” I pointed at the pile of unconscious bar patrons.

“Thank you! Thank you so much!” He clasped his hands together and shook them, tears in the corners of his eyes. “I swear on my ma’s grave that this’ll all work out nice and pretty!”

“What a load of baloney! I saw your mother walking down the street just yesterday,” chimed the bartender.

“Quiet you!” snapped Harvet. “I swear on my great grandma’s grave then! Happy!?”

Sherri and I both grimaced. This was a bad start to an alliance if I’d ever seen one.

An hour and a half later we found ourselves at the edge of that shantytown Harvet called home. We were crouching behind some browned bushes in front of an imposing stone warehouse. It was two stories tall, square, and featureless save for a few small windows to let fresh air in. It was like a tiny castle someone had lost in the slums. Grim-faced guards wearing chestplates and pauldrons were milling around brandishing swords of all shapes and sizes. They had that hired muscle look to them like they’d cut down their boss if offered anything better. Occasionally a cart would roll up to load or unload unmarked boxes, sacks, or chests.

“So, what’s the plan, Harvet?” I asked. If it was up to me, we’d just waltz in with our weapons drawn. Sadly, it wasn’t up to me.

Harvet pulled out his notebook and his pencil.

“Okay, here’s what I’ve got,” he said. “You two will walk up pretending to be a pair of innocent girls in need of directions. While you do that, I’ll climb up the right side and enter this window.” He tapped the pencil on his drawing a few times. “I’ll see if I can find where they keep their coins, and if anything happens, I’ll shout ‘pumpernickel” at the top of my lungs. I’m pretty sure it’s in the back right corner, but there’s always room for things to go inverted. If that happens, I want you two queens a’ combat to rush in and cause as much chaos as possible. That’ll buy me all the time I need to finish the job. Understand?”

“Mmm,” Sherri pursed her lips and glanced at the stone warehouse. “I guess that works. Do you think you’ll be able to get past whatever locks they’re using?”

Harvet grinned and pulled a varied assortment of twisty lockpicks and files from his pocket. Sherri’s eyes sparkled with childlike wonder and she couldn’t help but gasp.

“I-Is that a Malvakian jigglepick? And a snake-headed hexahook!” she whispered in awe. “I thought they banned those years ago?”

“Just because they’re banned don’t mean they all disappear,” chuckled Harvet. “Like I said, leave the sneaking to me. Besides, your friend here don’t seem like the sneakin’ type.”

“You can say that again,” I agreed.

I’m sure you all know this already, but the Voker Family Rules clearly state that a Voker is to avoid sneaking whenever possible. It’s almost always easier and more effective to meet a problem head-on than to skirt around the edges staying out of sight. Also, I’m just really bad at sneaking. Harvet didn’t need to know that though.

“Alright, then let’s get this party started!” said Harvet. He popped up and skulked further along the bushes so he could circle the warehouse.

Sherri and I nodded to each other, then both stood up and marched across the dirt road. The guards all stopped in their tracks and watched us with cold eyes as we approached. The second we stepped off the road and onto their turf, one of them blocked our path with his arms crossed.

He had a wide scar running down his left cheek and a glassy left eye to match. On his back was a thin-bladed longsword that his treetrunk-thick arms could likely swing around at dizzying speeds. As if to contrast his huge arms, he had short, stubby legs that looked like they belonged on a man half his height. On top of his head was a flat-topped helmet that had the words “guard captain” painted on its front.

“You two lost?” he asked gravely. His voice was like a landslide.

I rubbed the back of my head and smiled ear to ear. “Haha, it’s a little embarrassing to say but . . . we are!” I said.

Sherri clenched her fists in front of her chest and wiggled side to side cutely. “Do you think you could help us, Mister? It’s so scary around here! I’m worried we’ll get robbed!”

Oh, that was good. I’d need to play up the cutesy stuff too if we wanted to hammer this nail in. I batted my eyelashes at the big brute and tilted my head to the side just the slightest bit.

“Yeah, can’t you find it in your heart to help a couple of cute defenseless girls out? I asked.

“You, defenseless? With that hunk of metal on your back?” said the captain. I tensed up and looked at Bravesreign’s hilt over my shoulder. If anything, he was the defenseless one. At least he didn’t refute the cute part.

“I-I mean in the emotional sense!” I said. “I don’t think my heart could take it if someone assailed us!” I pouted and fluttered my eyelashes again hoping I could make him feel something.

The captain slanted his eyes. “Where are you heading?” he asked. “Few people come here by accident.”

“Ah, well, you know,” I said. I scratched my cheek to buy myself some more time.

We probably should have come up with an alibi before walking up, huh? I glanced at Sherri hoping she’d bail me out, but she looked to be as ill-prepared as I was. I had to come up with something quick. Something inconspicuous. What was a local place I could name? Then it hit me.

“Ah! Actually, we’re looking for the Avris Financing Company! We got all turned around and ended up here by accident!” I blurted. Nice save, me!

The captain sighed and relaxed his shoulders. “Dang it, again? I bet that stool-sitting chucklehead on the corner sent you down here, didn’t he?” He dragged his hand over his face slowly. “Lemme guess, you asked him for directions and he told you to follow this road till you reached Carver Street?”

“Y-Yeah!” said Sherri. “That’s exactly what he told us!”

I nodded vigorously in agreement. Neither of us had any clue what he talking about, but it’d be best to just play along. The captain sucked his teeth and crossed his bulging arms.

“Fine, I guess I’ll help you out then. Better than having you hang around here all day,” he said. “If you’re looking for Avris’ place you’ll want to . . .”

He spent the next few minutes giving us a list of incredibly detailed directions down to the step. You’d think he’d had a map of the whole town tattooed directly onto his brain with how well he knew its layout. I listened for a while thinking I could use what he was telling us to stall longer, but my ears protested and turned him out after a minute or so. I looked up at the warehouse’s small windows. How long would it take Harvet to find the loot? Would we be able to stall long enough? I stretched my back and sighed. Nothing to do but keep up the act, I guess.

“. . . and, assuming that little girl I mentioned can keep her blasted mutt on its leash, you’ll end up right at Avris’ front door in exactly twenty-one minutes and sixteen seconds,” finished the captain. “Got all that? Need me to repeat anything? I know it was a lot to take in.”

“U-Um,” Sherri’s eyes were swirling around like fish in a bowl. Had she really been trying to remember all his prattling? “C-Could you repeat the part about bribing the street rat consortium?” she asked. “And the part about the bridge hag’s three riddles?”

I scratched my cheek. Rat consortiums? Bridge hags? I must have been tuning him out more than I thought. Kinda wish I’d been paying attention now.

“No problem,” said the captain. “If you’ll recall, the street rats claim dominion over the dumping lot ninety-three paces southwest of the tannery. Any who step foot on their land without paying tribute to their king will be swarmed in seconds. Unless you wanna be bitten to bits, you’ll need to bring a wedge of cheese at least—"

“Pumpernickel! Pumpernickel!” came Harvet’s voice. I looked up and saw him stick his head out of the window. “Aieeeee! Bail me out here!”

“Think you can get away?” boomed a voice behind Harvet. A hairy hand appeared and pulled him away by his hair.

“Intruder spotted!” bellowed the captain. “At arms, boys! We’ve got another thief to catch!”

Every guard in the vicinity drew his weapon and rushed inside to apprehend Harvet. The captain drew his longsword as well and turned to us.

“You girls had best be on your way! It won’t be a pretty sight when we drag this wretch out by his nosehair! Hahahaha!” He threw his head back and let out a laugh like rumbling thunder.

I covered my ears and said, “You know what else won’t be a pretty sight? You and your buddies if you get in our way!” I drew Bravesreign and held it between us. “I’ll take care of this guy, Sherri! You go save Harvet!”

“On it!” said Sherri. She whipped out her bow and dashed into the warehouse before the captain had a chance to grab her.

“Huh? What’s the meaning of this?” barked the captain. He stepped back and raised his sword. “Don’t tell you you’re with that cretin?”

“Hate to say it, but I am!” I said. I smirked, then grimaced to the side. I really hated to say it.

“Gah, to think I wasted my time talking to a couple of low-down louses! Have at you then!” he roared.

He rushed at me with his longsword at arms-length. I parried the strike away easily and whirled around for a heavy swing, but it turned out those arms of his weren’t just for show.

SWOOSH

He brought his sword back around faster than I expected and barely missed my shoulder. I dove out of the way an instant before a third slash came for my stomach and rolled across the crunchy brown grass. By the time I made it to my feet, he was already lunging in for a spine-severing thrust.

CHINK

I raised Bravesreign and set my hand against its side to bolster it. The tip of his sword pinged off Bravesreign’s invincible blade and shunted to the left. He trailed after his sword, disbelief in his eyes, and skidded to a heavy halt.

“You’re pretty good with that!” he said. He twirled his sword around and pointed it at me with one hand. “It’s a shame I gotta put you in your place!”

He pulled three short-bladed knives from his back and tossed them at me one after the other. I deflected the first one, dodged the second, and caught the third mid-flight. I flipped it in my hand and tossed it aside with a smirk.

“Ha! If you think a weak attack like that could ever— WAH!” I dropped the knife and raised Bravesreign in a panic. He’d closed in while I was busy gloating!

He charged at me again with his sword held at his side. He raised it high over his head and brought it down like he was splitting logs. I hopped to the right to dodge, then jumped up with my knees pressed against my chest as he swept his blade across the grass.

“You’ve got one second to notice your mistake!” I yelled as I fell.

“I don’t make mistakes!” growled the captain.

I stomped down on his sword, pinning it to the ground, and kicked him in the chest with my other foot. He let out a brassy grunt and clutched his sternum with both hands. I spun around one last time, Bravesreign carving through the dirt as I went, and whacked him in the shoulder so hard he went skipping across the grass.

“Guh! How can this be!” spat the captain. He propped himself up on his un-busted arm and beat the ground with his fist. “No would-be marauder should be able to best me!”

I stowed Bravesreign on my back and put my hands on my hips. “Good thing I’m not a marauder then!” I said sharply. “My name is Darni Voker and don’t you dare forget it!”

The captain opened his mouth to retort, but was cut off by shouting from above.

“Ah! Ah! No! Don’t come any closer! I’m sorry! I’m sorry! Don’t hurt me please! I’ve got a family!” came a hoarse voice from inside.

I looked up and saw a guard hanging out of one of the warehouse’s windows. His chestplate had an arrow just barely lodged in its surface, right in front of his heart. He fell like a piece of bird dropping and landed belly-first on the grass below. Before I could even wince, he got up on all fours and scampered away like a spooked hound.

“I-I’m sorry that I scared you!” came Sherri’s voice. She stuck her head out the window and scanned the area. “That was just a warning because you wouldn’t move! I’m sorry!”

“All finished in there?” I shouted through cupped hands.

Sherri perked up and looked down at me. She smiled and waved, then said “Uh huh! That was the last guard! Come help us with the chest!”

I left the captain to wallow in his defeat and headed inside the warehouse. The inside was dusty, cramped, and faintly smelled of mildew. The left side was packed full of reinforced crates that had people’s names written on the side. I assumed it was to mark whose stolen goods they contained. On the right side was a bunch of miscellaneous junk too big to fit in crates. Sculptures, tables, mirrors, paintings. Anything that could fetch a few kinos if sold to the right person. The most obtuse thing in the collection was a titanic sword so big it made Bravesreign look like a dagger in comparison. It had probably been a showpiece at some prideful blacksmith’s forge.

I ascended the stairs at the far end and went up to the second floor. This one had scattered tables, chairs, a few hammocks, and a pair of racks for the guards’ weapons and armor. The guards themselves were strewn across the floor. Some of them had arrows sticking out of their rear ends while others had imprints of Sherri’s heel pressed into their helmets. I tip-toed over their convulsing bodies and approached Sherri and Harvet, who were crouching in front of a big iron chest with a heavy padlock hanging off its front.

CLICK CLICK CLUNK

“Thunderation! This lock’s made of stern stuff!” huffed Harvet. He stuck his tongue out and twisted his snake-headed hexahook left and right at lightning speed. There was another series of clicks, a little clack, then the sound of a spring popping. “No dice . . .”

“Let me try,” said Sherri. She pulled her own lockpick from her boot and shoved it in the lock. She wiggled it every which way, tugged on it a few times, then frowned and wiggled it around harder. “Why won’t it open? Please open!” She yanked on her pick one last time and yelped as it snapped inside the lock. She held her broken pick up, annoyance written all over her face, and turned to me.

“Darni, break it,” she said sternly.

“One broken lock, coming right up!” I said. I drew Bravesreign and circled the chest to find the best angle of attack. Once I was in position, I raised it high over my head. “Stand back unless you want to eat shrapnel for lunch!”

Harvet and Sherri both scurried away and hid behind an overturned table.

SCHWING

I brought Bravesreign down on the lock like a guillotine. The lock’s bar snapped in an instant, and the rest of it exploded in every direction. Tiny metal flecks tapped against my protective runic aura, which my armor projects at all times, and fell to the ground like broken glass. I’d barely put Bravesreign away by the time Sherri rushed over and heaved the chest’s lid open.

“Ooooh! Ah!” She lifted up two heaping handfuls of shiny kinos and shoved them in her pockets. “Look at all this! Forget sleeping in a ditch, we could— we could buy our own inn with all this!”

I flipped open my satchel and shoveled kinos into it like a fiend. Sherri was right, all our monetary woes had been blown away! We could buy a feast, rent a lavish room, and even pay for a hot bath! I wiped the drool from the corner of my mouth and went back to looting. It’d been two long weeks since I’d had a nice steamy soak and I could already smell the soap!

“Glad you two are happy, but remember to leave some coin for poor old Harvet!” said Harvet. We both dropped our handfuls of coins and turned to him with sharp eyes. How dare he interrupt our looting!

“Yeah, I guess we should let you take some too,” I said flatly.

“Hmph,” Sherri puffed her cheeks out and shuffled aside so Harvet could get in on the action.

He opened his frayed backpack and skillfully filled it to bursting. Once he was done, he scurried away to cradle his ill-gotten gains in his arms. What? You think our gains were ill-gotten too? Do you want me to punch you or something!? We were just confiscating funds from a criminal group! It’s a perfectly just thing to do!

Once we’d all loaded up with as many kinos as we could carry, we bolted from the warehouse and returned to Harvet’s dirty doorstep to say our goodbyes. We’d gotten some weird looks on the way since we’d all been jingling and jangling as we walked, but nobody dared approach. I bet they could tell we’d chew their heads off if they tried to rob us.

“Thank you kindly, girls,” said Harvet with a bow. His overstuffed backpack jingled with every movement and threatened to topple him if wasn’t careful. “With this much I’ll be pay off all my debts, move outta this Loros-forsaken place, and start all over!” He rubbed his nose and looked away. “I’m serious about those thanks, by the way. Never woulda been able to pull off this job without your assistance.”

“Assistance? What the heck are you talking about? We did all the work!” I said with a smile.

“That may be true!” he said with a raised finger. “But nevertheless, you wouldn’t have found this golden opportunity if it hadn’t been for this fella right here!” He pointed at himself with his thumb and beamed like a ray of sunshine.

“Oh!” said Sherri. “I’ve been wondering. How much did you owe Mister Avris anyway?”

Harvet scratched his stubble and grimaced. “You’re gonna laugh if I tell you . . .”

We both leaned in expectantly. Harvet covered his mouth and mumbled something while looking to the side.

“What was that?” I said. I turned my ear towards him.

He mumbled again, this time slightly louder. Still couldn’t make out what he was saying though.

Sherr put her finger to her chin and cocked her head. “One more time?”

“Ten kinos! I owed the consarned scoundrel ten whole kinos!” roared Harvet. He clenched his fists and raised them to the sky. “I got caught dine-and-dashing the other day and he made a big show of footing the bill! I woulda just gone hungry if I knew he’d hold me to it!”

We both fell to the ground in disbelief.

“Ten measly kinos!” I shouted. I stood back and put my hands on my hips. “We chased you across the rooftops and fought off a whole bar full of mooks because you owed the guy ten kinos!?”

“Ten is a lot when you’ve got zero!” said Harvet indignantly. “You girls don’t know what it’s like being broke! What it’s like to scrounge up whatever work or good will you can to get by!”

“Yes, we do!” cried Sherri. “That’s how we got in this situation in the first place!”

Harvet stepped back and raised his arms defensively. “A-Anyway, next time you see me I’ll be dressed to the nines and twirling a cane! Hahaha! Farewell and goodbye!”

He turned around and retreated into his home without another word. I thought to bang on his door and make him fork over some emotional damage pay for that ten kinos business, but I dropped it with a frustrated sigh.

“Come on Darni,” said Sherri. “Let’s go find a nice inn with a big bath and a nice menu!” She stretched her shoulders and huffed triumphantly. “We need to eat double tonight since we skipped breakfast!”

I covered my mouth and giggled. “Yeah, let’s get going! I just hope we don’t run into Avris again.”

“Why’s that?”

“Well, that chest we looted kinda . . .” I let my words drift off so her suspense could have room to build.

“Kinda . . .?” She leaned in just like I hoped she would.

“Kinda had Avris’ name pressed onto the back,” I said with a mischievous smile. “You and Harvet were too busy being greedy to notice, though I’m sure he knew the whole time.”

“You mean we—!?” she covered her mouth, then burst out laughing.

“Yep, that polka-dotted purse pincher ended up paying us whether he knows it or not!” I said between cackles.

We spent the rest of the evening living it up at the fanciest inn we could find. We bathed until we were a pair of prunes, ate until the cook shooed us off, and slept in a big cushy bed all the way until noon the next day. Thanks for sponsoring us, Avris! You really did get us out of our sorry state!