You know how people say you can’t have too much of a good thing? Turns out that’s a big fat lie. Too much of anything will become a pain after a while. What brought on this realization you ask? Four long, grueling days eating boiled cycrab meat for every. Single. Meal.

The cook, always stiff and firm in his culinary decisions, announced that we needed to gobble it up before it went rancid. Now that would have been a prudent and justified decision normally, but we were dealing with a big cycrab. That meant we had barrels and barrels to dutifully eat our way through. Cycrab on toast, cycrab stew, cycrab salad, cycrab jerky, fried cycrab, cycrab stroganoff (stroganoff became a DVAS fan-favorite after the amazing meal I’d made), and even pickled cycrab surprise. By the second day’s dinner, everyone was sick of the stuff, and even I was begging for a piece of saltpork by lunch on the third. Something, anything other than that white, slimy cycrab meat!

“Quit whining! I’ve got to choke this junk down too, you know!” I said as I shoved a tray of boiled meat into the hands of a dejected sailor. He mumbled a pitiful thank-you and shambled over to his hammock. It was dinnertime on the fourth day of the cycrab meat onslaught.

“Can’t you convince that slop-slinger to change things up, just for tonight? Please Darnini, I’m beggin ya!” said another man. This one had a thick brown beard and a missing tooth. He was clasping his hands in front of himself like he was praying to Loros and looked ready to drop to his knees.

“You think I haven’t tried already?” I said as I handed the man his tray. “Talking to that old fart is like talking to a brick! He just grunts and turns away the second I suggest anything!”

The man hung his head, took the tray, and shuffled away. Another sad thank you and another unhappy customer.

A third man came up, sharp-eyed and crow-faced. He was looking over his shoulder with a sly smile and playing with something in his pocket. “Hey, Darnini,” he whispered. “I got a little present for ya. Don’t tell the others, but I’ve been savin these for a rainy day, and boy is it pouring.” He leaned in and pulled a small brown paper bundle from his pocket, then untied the thin piece of twine that was wrapped around it. Inside were some thick strips of orange chicken jerky. He grabbed a couple and stuffed them in my hand, then put his finger to his mouth and took his tray. “Don’t tell nobody, okay?” After that, he turned around and skulked to the cabin’s shadowy far corner.

I’d have popped the jerky in my mouth right then and there if there wasn’t a whole cabin full of sailors right in front of me. I finished handing out the trays, returned the delivery cart to the mess hall, and rushed back to the women’s cabin. The jerky, that tough, stringy meat, was on my mind every step of the way. What a sweet respite it would be! I burst into the cabin, my hand already in my dress pocket, and froze in place. Sherri and Ufie were there sitting at the row table that ran down the cabin’s length.

“Hey hey Darni! What’s the rush?” said Ufie. I pulled my hand from my pocket and scrambled to formulate an excuse.

“I was just, uh, um— I-It’s nothing,” I said. Could I really not come up with anything better? The savory allure of the jerky must have been clouding my mind.

“Darni, come here!” said Sherri. She patted the open bench spot to her right eagerly. I grit my teeth and grimaced. They weren’t intending to leave, were they? I sat down next to her and tried my best not to fidget.

“Alright, since Darni’s here that means we’ll have to split it three ways,” said Ufie, suddenly serious. She grabbed a wooden box from the ground and slammed it down on top of the table. “You got yours?” Sherri nodded and pulled out a box of her own. It was smaller than Ufie’s, but lacquered and generally higher quality in construction. “Wow, you weren’t kidding.” She turned to me. “You got any, Darni?”

“Any what?” I asked.

She leaned over the table and held her hand next to her mouth. “Food of course! In these dire times we’ve gotta do what we can to survive, so we’re busting out our stashes! Sherri and I are pooling ours, and now you’re in this too. So, got anything?”

How had I, an unworthy urchin, ever questioned these golden saints? To think that they would extend their generosity to me, a lowly, pitiable wretch! No, calling them saints would be an insult. They were angels! Goddesses even! My shining beacons in the darkness of the cycrab abyss!

I glanced to the side and mentally scanned through my belongings. I had the few pieces of jerky in my pocket, a sailor’s biscuit left over from lunch, and . . . that was about it. I’d snacked my way through all the travel rations I’d had in my satchel already, and all that was left were a few pieces of old rock candy I’d had since I left Milgro.

I went and fetched them from the chest beneath my hammock and set them down on the table next to the jerky and biscuit. “This is all I have . . .” I said meekly. What a pitiful display on my part.

“That’s more than I was expecting, honestly,” said Ufie with a wink. “Sherri here didn’t think you’d have anything,”

“I-I didn’t say that!” cried Sherri. She turned to me, her fists clutched in front of her chest. I just— know how you are . . .” She looked to the side and pressed the tips of her fingers together.

“Don’t sweat it,” I said. “I’d only have the candy and biscuit if one of the DVAS guys hadn’t given me the jerky a minute ago.”

Ufie slapped the top of her box. “Enough talk! Let’s bust out the goods!” she said. She removed the box’s lid and revealed a mouth-watering assortment of dried meats neatly separated into individual compartments. “I bought this bad boy before we shoved off from Balistag.” She grabbed the box by the top and lifted it up. To my surprise, it was comprised of three layers, each containing a different assortment of preserved goods. On the second was row after row of dried fruit, and at the bottom was a set of dried berries, nuts, and a glass container full of colorful hard candy. Ufie smirked at Sherri, who was marveling at the goods. “Your turn, Sherri.”

Sherri grabbed her box by the top and did the same. Hers was only two layers but was just as stocked as Ufie’s. “I dried a lot of the tuna I caught the other day to keep as snacks. I’ve also been drying some other stuff I’ve caught too,” she said. The first layer was stocked with dried tuna slices just as she said, but there were also pieces of dried seaweed, squid, clams, and whole sardines. Beneath that was a layer containing small jars of pickled vegetables and a little bundle of banana and apple chips. “I made these when you were busy cooking, Darni.”

It was a veritable feast of emergency rations. I clapped my hands together and thanked Loros for putting me in such good company. She must have been rewarding me for being such a good person all the time!

The three of us dug in like rabid wolves. The food was all salty and tough, but it was divine compared to another cycrab dinner. I tossed a raisin into the air and caught it in my mouth, then bit off a piece of chicken jerky. The two flavors mixed together in my mouth so deliciously that I couldn’t help but squeal with delight. The fact that it had any flavor at all was enough to bring a tear to my eye!

BANG

The door swung open with the force of an explosion. The three of us, stiff as statues and cheeks full of contraband, turned to gaze upon the intruder.

“Knock, knock, may I come in? Ha, why do I even ask, of course I can! Miss Hanefeltz, I’ve brought Darni—” Doctor Heize stopped mid-sentence and smirked. “Now what do we have here? Three damsels partaking of a secret meal?”

“I knew I should have had that drop bar installed,” said Ufie under her breath. “What do you want Heize? We’re busy!”

“Oh, I assure you it’s nothing important. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have something urgent I need to tell First Mate Jedda. Fare thee well, my soon-to-be battered friend!” He bowed quickly and scurried off down the corridor like a skittish raccoon.

Ufie slammed her hands down on the table. “That rat!”

“What’s the matter?” I asked.

“What do you mean ‘what’s the matter’. If he tells Jedda about this she’ll come stomping in and tear my head off for not inviting her! Do you really want to see this,” she waved her hand over her face, “all tenderized like a steak?”

Sherri swallowed a mouthful of dried tuna and said, “Maybe if you apolo—"

“There’s no apologizing when Jedda is heated. Trust me on that,” said Ufie quickly.

I picked up a dried blueberry and rolled it around in my hand. “You’re the one she’d be mad at.” I stuck the blueberry in my mouth and savored its sweetness. “Sherri and I are completely innocent.”

Stolen from its rightful place, this narrative is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.

Ufie put her hands on her hips and sneered, revealing her fang-like teeth. “Innocent huh? Did you think to invite Jedda? No? I didn’t think so!”

I crossed my arms and smiled. She thought she had me, but she made the mistake of underestimating my cunning! “I was invited after walking in, remember? You are Sherri were primed to chow down without me! As such,” I grabbed Sherri by the biceps and shook her side to side lightly. “You and Sherri should be the ones to handle it.”

“Didn’t you just say I was innocent though?” said Sherri.

“That was then and this is now.” I said. She pouted and ate another piece of tuna.

Ufie huffed and tapped her foot. “Dang, you got me there. But if you don’t help us, I’m going to tell all your little DVAS devotees that you’ve been eating good while they suffer! Even their beloved Darnini wouldn’t be able to escape that storm of indignation!”

I pointed at her with a piece of dried squid and said, “You wouldn’t dare.”

“Wanna bet?”

We locked eyes, neither of us willing to budge. She wanted accomplices, and I wanted nothing to do with it. It wasn’t my fault she hadn’t invited Jedda, that matter was totally between them, but the threat of having DVAS turn against me in a palate-fueled mutiny was a terrifying prospect. Without them I’d be just a stewardess. Nothing more than an armored waitress. I broke eye contact and forfeited to her will.

“Fine,” I said, “Heize is probably halfway to the bridge by now though.”

“Nah, that snake can only slither so fast. Now come on you two!” said Ufie before bolting down the corridor outside the cabin. Sherri and I both sighed, packed up the food as hastily as we could, and stowed it away in Ufie’s personal trunk. If anyone found it we could pin everything on her.

A minute or so later we met up with Ufie at the top of the command tower’s interior stairwell, just beside the door to the bridge. She was crouching down and clutching the sides of her head in wide-eyed despair. The look on her face was that of someone who knew their days were numbered and was waiting for their inevitable end.

“What happened? Did you catch Heize?” I asked.

She looked up at me blankly. “No. He . . . ran. I— I didn’t think he was capable of that! That little slimeball usually gets winded crossing his office, much less ascending a flight of stairs!” She took a long breath and let out an even longer sigh. “He was coming down right as I was coming up, and I’m sure he already told Jedda everything.” She let her head fall between her knees. “To think I underestimated someone like him!”

“Are you that scared of Miss Jedda?” asked Sherri. She crouched down next to Ufie and gave her a sad, puppy dog look.

“It’s not her I’m afraid of. It’s her fists! Those things can put a hole through a double-thick concrete wall if she’s angry enough!” she groaned.

I put my hands on my hips and leaned over her. “I feel like you’re overreacting. Would she really get that mad over not being invited? And even if she would, we can just invite her now and pretend like we didn’t already eat some.”

She looked up at me with intense eyes. “She wouldn’t be that mad at you, but she’d be infuriated with me! That pipe-whispering witch will jump on any chance she can get to take me down!” Ufie held hands out in front of herself like claws and flexed them angrily. “But this time— this time! I’ll take her down before she can get me! Ka ka ka ka ka!” She threw back her head and laughed like a screechy banshee.

I looked at Sherri worriedly, and she looked back at me the same way. We both knew we shouldn’t have gotten involved.

The door to the bridge swung inwards. I jumped up, ready to plead with Jedda for Ufie’s life, but it was Captain Kastel with a furrowed brow. He looked at Ufie, who was still laughing manically, then at us, then scratched his beard. “She screaming about Jedda again?”

“Again?” I asked.

“Yeah . . . this uh— happens from time to time. Usually when she’s done something she shouldn’t have,” he said. He had the tone of a seasoned schoolteacher who’d seen it all. “Ah, that must’ve been what Heize was on about.”

“What did he say?” asked Sherri. She patted Ufie on the head and stood next to me.

“Something about an invitation? He seemed to be a real rush and was talking so fast I could barely understand him. Been a long time since I’ve seen him so riled up and squirrelly. Anyway, he asked me where Jedda was then went flying out just has fast as he came bursting in.”

“She’s not on the bridge?” I asked.

“Nope. Went down to have her dinner a good ten minutes ago.”

Ufie popped from the ground and shook the captain’s hand up and down so hard he had to hold his cap on top of his head. “Then there’s still hope! You just saved my face, Captain Kastel!” she said happily. She clutched herself and wiggled side to side. “I’d give you kiss if you were, hmm, twenty years younger!” She turned to us and pointed down the stairs. “Off we go to catch Heize before it’s too late!” She then bolted down the stairs and out of the command without waiting for our response.

“She wasn’t like this before . . .” said Sherri.

“No, she’s always been like that. She just keeps it under wraps unless she’s comfortable,” said Captain Kastel. “Feel a little pride, girls. She trusts you enough to show you her true colors.”

“I don’t know if that’s an honor I want . . .” I said. I shuffled down the stairs after her and closed the door once Sherri had passed through.

The three of us rushed around the ship following Heize’s trail. Everywhere we went we were always one step behind him. The gunnery chief said he’d come running through, the carpenters said he came cackling by, and every sailor would say he knocked into them and called them mean names. Everyone agreed that he was being infinitely more energetic than usual and that it was making them anxious. After a while we decided to split up. The ship had three levels, so each of us took one. Sherri took the top deck, I took the middle, and Ufie took the bottom. If any of us spotted him we were to report to the others as soon as possible. That or tackle him to the ground and yell.

A few minutes passed and, just as I was about to give up and return to our cabin, I heard Sherri yelling from above deck. I rushed up the stairs and saw her at the front of the ship clutching an all too happy Heize by the hair.

“Ah! Darni, look! I caught him!” she said when she saw me approaching.

“And how happy I am to be caught,” said Heize with a smirk. He was holding his thin hands up like he’d been caught by a group of town guards. “May I ask what business you two have with this simple doctor?”

“Tell us where Jedda is and we’ll go away,” I said flatly.

“First Mate Jedda? She’s likely returned to your cabin by now. She seemed very interested in the little secret you all were keeping from her. Might you unhand me now, Miss Sherri? I’m honored that you’d bind me so, but my scalp is beginning to ache.”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” said Sherri. She released his ponytail and wiped her hands on her tunic like they’d been sullied. I’d have boiled her gloves if I were her. There’s no telling how contagious his smarm and slime were.

“Alright, get out of here,” I said.

“Gladly,” he said. “Oh, and tell Ufie that I’d be more than happy to treat her wounds, should the need arrive. Heh heh heh!” He snickered and skipped merrily away. Again, if he hadn’t been the one providing my sea-sickness medicine I’d have pounded his face in.

The two of us hurried down to our cabin and stopped outside the door. Sounds like those of a frenzied animal were coming from inside. Was Jedda fuming with such rage that she’d gone feral? I swallowed heavily and pushed the door open. I was prepared to knock her out with Bravesreign if needed.

What awaited us, however, was an unexpected surprise.

Sitting next to Ufie’s storage chest, cheeks packed to the brim with zesty beefalo jerky, was Jedda. She was putting back food like she’d never had a decent meal in her life and taking long swigs from a big bottle of brown stuff that I assume was alcohol. She took a long drink and let out a deep, exaggerated sigh, then looked over her shoulder as we cautiously approached.

“Oh, hey you two!” she said with a wide smile. The tip of her nose was red and she was swaying side to side despite sitting down. She took two pieces of rock candy from inside the chest and held them out to us. “Want some?”

I took it gladly. It may have been old, and it may have been mine anyway, but candy is candy. She took a piece for herself and stuck it in her mouth.

“You look like you’re having fun,” said Sherri. I nodded but didn’t say anything because I was sucking on my rock candy.

“Yeah, it’s great to cut loose every once in a while! I can’t believe Ufie got all this for me . . .” she sniffed and wiped her eye. “You know, we yell at each other a lot, but she’s the best friend I got on his floating deathtrap. I oughtta be nicer to her . . .”

So that’s what Doctor Heize was up to! He’d probably told her that Ufie was hiding something from her, which made her come and rifle through Ufie’s belongings. She’d found the stash of goods, misunderstood what was going on, and been so overjoyed at the prospect of non-cycrab food that she’d ended up in her current state. I praised myself silently. Detective Darni, case cracker extraordinaire, had solved this mystery in record time.

I sat down next to her and dug in as well. There’d be a shouting match, fight, or some other calamity whenever Ufie returned, so I had to eat my fill while I could.

“Shouldn’t we wait for Ufie?” asked Sherri as she sat down next to me and took a few dried clams.

“Do you really think we’ll be able to eat in peace after she sees that,” I said. I pointed at Jedda, who was cradling her bottle and eating banana chips with a smile.

Sherri’s eyes went sharp. “Good point,” she said. “Pass me the pickled onions.”

We ate, joked, and laughed until sundown. Jedda, in her drunken haze, was far more sociable than usual. She told us winding, rambling stories about her days as an underground boxer, how she met the captain, and how she ended up becoming the first mate. Apparently, he’d annoyed her by laughing too loudly during her big championship challenge match and managed to stay standing after tasting her “Blazing Buster Hook”, thus earning her respect. I asked her to show me how to do it sometime, and she readily agreed.

CLACK

The cabin door swung open and clattered against the wall violently. Standing in the doorway was Ufie, all exasperated and worn out. Her hair was a mess, her fingers were curved into claws, and she looked ready to strangle someone.

“I couldn’t find Heize or—” she stopped mid-sentence as her face fell. She held up a shaky finger and pointed at Jedda, who was lying on her side with her head propped in her hand. “What is she doing here?”

Jedda perked up at the sound of Ufie’s voice and rolled over to face her. “Hey Ufie! What took you so long? We’re almost out of food, but I saved you some of your favorites!” she said happily.

Ufie looked down at Jedda, then at the food, then at us. She held her hands up like she was going to attack all three of us, then went limp and collapsed on the floor. The life left her eyes and she couldn’t do anything but mumble curses to herself between labored breaths. Jedda took a piece of chicken jerky, the very same the DVAS member had given me earlier, and slipped it into Ufie’s mouth with a smile.

“Always so high strung, she is. I hope she gets some good sleep. We’ve got a busy day tomorrow,” said Jedda. She patted Ufie on the head. Ufie grumbled faintly in response.

“What’s going on tomorrow?” I asked.

“Did nobody tell you? We’re arriving at the Prism Palace in two days!”