BANG BANG BANG BANG
“Open up! I’ve got your dinners here!” I shouted. I beat the worn door a couple more times for good measure and waited with my hands on my hips.
The door swung inwards with a clatter. There was a huge man in ragged shorts and a sleeveless striped shirt taking up the whole doorway. “Aint maids supposed to be cute? What’s with all the shouting!?” he barked. “Me and the lads are trying to relax in here!”
“I’m not a maid!” I snapped. “I’m a stewardess! Now do you want your food or not?” I picked a brown tray up from the top of my pushcart and thrust it into the man’s hands.
He looked down at me with a grimace, then turned and called all the other mooks over to get theirs. Dinner today was chunks of stewed saltpork in thick white gravy, two seaman’s biscuits, a slice of lime, and a block of hard yellow cheese. Or at least that’s what the sailors were having. I’d managed to sweet-talk my way into having grilled fish instead of the saltpork.
“If you don’t wanna be called maid, then stop dressin like one!” said the huge man before retreating inside.
I stuck my tongue out at him and said, “The uniform wasn’t my idea, you bozo!”
I huffed indignantly and flattened out my apron, which had gotten bunched up at some point, I’d reluctantly agreed to wear the maid dress after Captain Kastel got on his knees and begged me tearfully, but I told him that I had one condition. I wanted to keep my armor on no matter what. We argued back and forth for a while, I threw some things at him, he got a few whacks on the head, and eventually he came around to seeing things my way. We decided that I could wear my bracers, greaves, and tiara, but not my pauldrons since they’d hide the puffy shoulders. I’m sure he didn’t care, but I was also wearing my bra and miniskirt under it. I’m not forfeiting my runic aura just because he wanted to dress me up like a doll. Still, I have to admit that he definitely had an eye for beauty since I looked great in it.
Another man, a skinny one with shaggy hair, came and took his dinner next. “Don’t listen to that wretch, Darnini. He just hasn’t realized what a cutie you are yet!” he said before shuffling away as well.
“Yeah, it’s not every day we get our own little stewardess bringing us our slop! Ha ha ha!” bellowed a third man. He had a missing tooth that caused a light whistle as he spoke.
A fourth man, this one wearing a blue armband, jumped from his hammock and shouted, “Yeah, anyone who dares speak ill of our Darnini is gonna taste my blade!” He pulled a dagger from a sheathe on his hip and waved it around wildly. The other men all clapped and cheered in response.
I handed the last tray to a shy young guy with a triangular face. He blushed and thanked me, then closed the door gently while waving goodbye. I’m not one hundred percent sure, but I think he was one of the ones who peeped at me while I was sick.
“I’ll be back for those trays later, so don’t break them!” I called through the door. I turned my cart around and headed back towards the galley. I still had one last cabin to deliver to.
It was only my second day as a stewardess but, as you can imagine, I’d already developed a rabid fanbase. I don’t know if it was my gorgeous looks or my loveable personality that was drawing them in, but it felt like everyone I encountered would be singing my praises within seconds. To make matters even sillier, my more proactive fans had already established an official fan club by the name of “The Darni Voker Adoration Society”, or DVAS for short. It seemed like they were taking it pretty seriously too since they’d already started handing out blue armbands to their members. Once again, I appreciated the attention, but I’d have appreciated it a whole lot more if my fans weren’t all sea-salted sailors!
I reached the stairs to the bottom deck and lifted my pushcart with both hands. I realized on the first day that it was easier to carry it, even with its full load, than to try and drag it up and down the steps. Maybe my strength was why the captain had chosen me for the job? I still refused to believe that he seriously couldn’t think of anything else for me to do.
I raced down the hall and kicked open the double doors to the mess hall. It was a big square room with row after row of long tables and benches. The walls were decorated with vivid murals of Serente’s coast and Seren swimming beneath the sea. On the far side was a serving counter and the door that led into the galley. The cook, a short, round bald man with a big grey beard, could almost always be found slinging food around like a madman back there. In the past, the sailors would come in and eat in shifts determined by their cabin number, but since I had joined the crew things had changed. Now they waited for me to bring them their meals and ate in their cabins. I threw the cart against the wall and grabbed the other one. There were two so that I could always be delivering from one while the cook loaded the other. I spun around and barreled back out and down the hall.
“Out of the way! Out of the way! Stewardess coming through!” I said to a group of young sailors. They were all proudly wearing their brand new DVAS armbands and were blocking up the way. All four pressed against the walls and held their hands at their sides. They reminded me of how new Queen’s Guard members acted when someone important suddenly walked by.
“Sorry, Darnini! It won’t happen again!” said one of them.
There was that name again. Darnini. Some of the sailors had started calling me that around lunch the previous day and it seemed to be spreading like wildfire. I understood that it was meant to be a cutesy pet name, but couldn’t they have come up with something better? Something like Dardar or D-Voke or Lil D. I stopped in my tracks and shivered at the thought of being called by any of those names. Darnini really was the best option after all. Either way, I still wanted to punch whoever coined it.
After finishing my deliveries, I returned to the mess hall to have my own dinner. The fish of the day was bumbletrout, and it was fatty, delicious, and fresh as could be. The cook told me that Sherri had reeled it in that very morning and was catching more fish in a couple of hours than the rest of the fishing crew could in an entire day. The rest of the food was alright, but I had trouble woofing the seaman’s biscuits down. Despite being called biscuits they were actually thick, dry crackers that you’d choke on if you weren’t careful. Yes, I learned that the hard way.
Once I’d finished eating and my food was all settled, I went up to the top deck and practiced with Bravesreign until sunset. I’d have kept going, but the stern-faced deck chief, a sour-faced man named Olfrey, told me to pack it up so he could start the night watch. After that, I returned to the women’s cabin and palled around with Sherri until the yawns got me and I fell peacefully asleep.
The next morning, I was awoken by Jedda’s voice blaring in my ears. “Darni Voker, please report to the bridge posthaste! I repeat, Darni Voker, report to the bridge posthaste!” It flowed out of a pipe that hung from the cabin’s ceiling and ricocheted around the whole room. The other girls, few as they were, all groaned and threw their pillows at it. Even Sherri pleaded for me to hurry just so Jedda would shut up.
I flumped out of my hammock, put on my uniform and armor, grabbed Bravesreign, then shambled my way out of the cabin. I shuffled down the hall, trudged up the stairs, got blinded by the unrelenting morning sun, skulked over to the command tower’s side door, labored up more stairs, and finally flung the door to the bridge open.
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“Darni Voker, reporting for duty,” I said, still half-asleep. If they wanted to talk to me so bad, they could have just come down in person!
Captain Kastel was there with Ufie at his side. “An important update on our situation has come in, Stewardess Darni. Come here and I’ll show you,” said the captain. I lurched over and looked down at Ufie’s table. The Priss carving was next to the carving of me. Between them was a brown smudge. “The Klazmitz’ captain is a fearsome adversary. They’ve ridden both the currents and the night winds to catch up with us, and I’m near certain they’re using invocations to propel themselves as well.”
I yawned and said, “So? Why don’t we do that too?”
The captain rubbed the back of his head. “We haven’t any invokers aboard, other than Doctor Heize that is. The lad’s a fine healer, but he’s plumb useless in these matters,” he said.
Ufie pulled out a long pointing baton and slapped it in her hands. She then tapped a spot on the map between the carvings of me and Priss. “As I’m sure you know, we’re currently passing near Dolsten Island,” she said. I nodded lazily in agreement even though I had no idea what she was talking about. “I spotted The Klazmitz curving around the island’s other side just a moment ago. There was light fog, but I could pick out that gaudy red anywhere.” She slapped her baton in her hand again with a smile. “If we maintain course, we should be within hailing distance soon.”
“Hailing distance?” I asked. I rubbed my eyes and yawned one last time.
“It means we can talk to them,” said Captain Kastel. He turned to Jedda and held out his arm. “Get a signaler on deck. I’m sure Darnini has some choice words for Miss Afinsheer!”
I was awake in an instant. I grabbed him by the coat and said, “You’re calling me Darnini too!?” He went rigid and cleared his throat, then adjusted his cap to cover his eyes like he had two days prior. I wasn’t about to let him run away this time! I grabbed Ufie’s pointing stick out of her hand and knocked his cap right off his head with a single swift swing.
CRASH
He jumped forward to snatch it out of the air and flopped on top of the map table. The wooden pieces went flying and rolled all over the ground. Ufie stifled a giggle, then burst out in a deep guffaw.
Captain Kastel looked at me, fire in his eyes, and shouted, “So what if I am! I’m the captain and I can call my crew by whatever names I want!” He stood up and slapped his cap back on top of his head. “And never knock a sailor’s cap off! It’s the biggest disgrace a seaman can suffer!”
Ufie regained her composure and said, “Don’t worry Darni, he’s just embarrassed because he was the one that came up with it!”
“What!?” I shouted. The captain came up with it? No. It made sense! He was the one who had made me a stewardess, and he was the one who dressed me up in that frilly dress! It was perfectly believable that he’d come up with that cutesy nickname too! I clutched myself and scowled at him. “Captain Kastel? More like Captain Kreeper . . .”
His expression didn’t change, but I could see in his eyes that his heart was shattering into a million tiny pieces. He clutched his chest and fell to his hands and knees, shuddering like his whole world had come crashing down around him. I didn’t feel bad for him.
***
A while later Captain Kastel, Sherri, and I were standing at the edge of the top deck. Next to us was the shy young guy I’d delivered dinner to before. In his hands were a pair of red and white flags. I looked Sherri up and down curiously. We hadn’t spent much time together the last couple of days, but I’d noticed that she’d been getting tanner and tanner since we departed. I guess sitting on the back of the ship fishing for hours on end will do that to you.
I raised a long brown telescope and looked eastward over Dolsten Island. The island itself wasn’t anything noteworthy, basically a big lump of sand with thin trees and dense shrubs all over it. On the other side of it was Priss’ ship, all bright red and trimmed with gold. It was my first time seeing it and I instantly recognized it as the decorated galleon that had been dominating the port in Balistag. It had three huge, triangular sails in the middle with two smaller ones at the front and back. Jutting from the front was an oversized gold figurehead that looked like Priss, only prettier and with a much larger bust.
I extended the telescope further and set my sights on Priss. She was marching around waving her arms and barking orders at uniformed sailors who seemed all too happy to get yelled at. Tuet and Clance were following behind her carrying a beach umbrella and a wooden folding chair. She stopped and pointed in our direction.
A moment later two sailors came out from below deck with a long wooden crank in tow. They slotted the crank in a hole on The Klazmitz’ deck, then ran in circles as they spun it round and round. A pair of hatches flipped open, and from beneath rose a giant brass horn mounted on a wooden platform. Tuet unfolded the chair and set it down at the back of the horn while Clance propped the umbrella and held it over his head. Priss sat down in the chair and grabbed hold of the horn.
“Attention! Attention! Darni Voker and her filthy associates! It is I, Priscillanna Afinsheer!” came Priss’ voice. All four of us covered our ears as the deafening wall of sound rolled by. “I would like to inform you that you will be losing this race! You have no chance and your efforts are in vain! Turn back now and return to Balistag before you’re forced to suffer the shame of defeat!”
“Gah! Why is she like this?” I said angrily. I turned to the flag signaler. “Hey, can you send her a message for me?”
“Y-Yes, I can! I’ll send any message you want, Miss Darnini,” he stammered. He blushed when he made eye contact, then turned to face Priss. I noticed then that he was wearing a blue DVAS armband.
“Tell her, ‘There’s no way you’re winning this, Priss! We’re getting to the Palace first, and there’s nothing you can do about it!’”
“And please tell her to stop shouting!” added Sherri. She’d crouched down and was leaning against the deck’s railing.
The signaler nodded and held his flags out to the sides, then flapped them around rapidly.
Priss’ voice rang over the waves again. “To scared to respond, Darni Voker? I can’t blame you. I’d be scared as well if I— huh, what do I need a telescope for? Flag signals? Tuet you imbecile, I can’t read flag signals! Relay it to me.” There was a pause. “What? If you think you’re winning, you’re delusional, Darni Voker! And I’ll shout as much as I want, thank you very much!” This message was even louder than the last one.
I grabbed the signaler by the arm, which made him gasp and turn red as a tomato, and said, “Now call her some names, I don’t care what kind! Make them mean!”
Sherri grabbed him by the leg and added, “And tell her that she shouldn’t be so rude to her henchmen!”
He swallowed heavily, then flapped his flags around some more. I could see beads of glistening sweat roll down his forehead. He must have been really stressed out.
“You sure this is a good idea?” asked Captain Kastel. “There’s no telling what she’ll do if you provoke her like that.”
I put my hands on my hips and faced him. “If she gets too uppity, I’ll go over there and smack that pride out her myself!”
He looked down at me sternly, then threw his head back and cackled at the clouds. “Gya ha ha! And that’s why you’re our Darnini!” He flexed his arm in front of himself. “We’re right behind you then!”
I extended the telescope again and saw Tuet staring right back at me, or at the signaler I guess, through one of his own. His jaw was slack and hanging open like he couldn’t believe what he was seeing. He collapsed his telescope and stuffed it in his jacket pocket, then nervously turned to Priss and whispered something in her ear. She listened intently, then jumped from her seat and stomped her foot.
“H-How dare you! I’ve— I’ve never been so insulted in all my life! I thought you an ogress, but even that is too kind! You’re nothing more than slime! Slime I say!” shrieked Priss at the top of her lungs.
Her voice was so impossibly loud I thought my skull would explode from the shock. I crouched down next to Sherri and wailed in anguish until the blast of shrill rage passed by.
“Make it stop!” cried Sherri. She fell over and curled up on the deck while clutching her ears.
“What did you say to her!?” I shouted at the signaler. I know I told him to be mean, but I didn’t think he’d be that mean!
“I-I just did what you told me! I called her the worst things I could think of!”
“Yeah, and what did you call her? It must have been real nasty to set her off like that!”
He grimaced and looked away. “I-I wouldn’t be comfortable saying it to you, Miss Darnini.”
Captain Kastel knelt down next to me and said, “A sailor’s tongue is leagues sharper than a landlubber’s. The worst insults you could think of might be as pleasant as a ‘how do you do’ to us hardened scallywags.”
“No Clance, I will not calm down!” wailed Priss. Another wave of sound battered us and sent me shuddering on the ground next to Sherri. “This is inexcusable, unforgivable! This means war! War I tell you! Go alert the captain. We’re attacking the moment we’re in range! Man the ballistae! Prepare a boarding party! I want Darni Voker tied up at my feet as soon as possible!”