> Kira PoV <

“... and so, so, I says to him, I say ‘You didn’t mention the orc *urp* orc den, so I thought it wasn’t important’ and never looked back.”

“So scum like that exist in every business huh?”

“Aye, those pee- *urp* people trying to. Trying to make us work for free! They think just cuz I’m short I’m a pushover. I’ll push them! Ov- over!”

Kelly has been complaining about her past employers for a while now. I’m starting to see why she’s so distrusting of others. All of them had tried to cut her pay or force extra work on her. Mercenaries have it rough, huh?

*GLUG GLUG GLUG*

I just wish she’d stop chugging endlessly like that. I’m still on my second mug but she’s already downed six. It won’t be long until her drunk level goes from Pleasantly Buzzed to Angry.

“That’s some good stuff. Oi barkeep, what’s in this swill anyway? Bah, doesn’t matter.”

*GLUG GLUG* *SLAM*

Make that seven. Ellie still hasn’t come back from her mission, but Nano said she’s just being extra careful. That’s good. I've decided it's a good thing, okay? 

In the meantime, Kelly led me to a little bar in some back alley. It looked suspicious, so we’re vigorously investigating the drinks. Results are… inconclusive.

“Red…”

Kelly looks at me with a somewhat serious face while the barkeep is refilling her mug.

“I love ya.”

“... Huh?”

“I said I feckin’ love ya. You and that wife of yours are the best, y’know? You’re good people and don’t lie or swindle. Even that peeping bastard is a good guy. Girl? Nano. Good Nano. Yeah.”

Oh thank goodness... For a while there I thought… Nevermind, let’s forget about that thought right away. Luckily, I have the perfect thing for the job. 

*GLUG GLUG GLUG*

I chug my own drink this time, finishing it off. I don’t slam the mug though, that’s a bit much for me. I do want to maintain at least some of my dignity as a woman. 

This is really good ale though. I don’t drink much, but delicious things are delicious. Come to think of it, I’ve never seen Ellie drink. Probably for the best, that’s a recipe for disaster.

“I’m glad you’re with us too Kelly. Nano says you’re a big help.”

“Nah, forget that. You. You listen here, right. You’re the impro- *urp* important one yeah? To Ellie. *GLUG GLUG* I can tell she had it rough as a kid. Peeps tried to- to- to- *urp* tell me, but I didn’t wanna listen.”

Kelly’s talking an awful lot more than usual. I don’t think this is just the alcohol anymore. 

Also who is Peeps supposed to be? Is it Nano? It’s Nano, right?

“That girl’s killed before, you know that right? Any mercenary can feel the stench of death about that ominous sword she has.”

Kelly talks to me while staring at her drink with downcast eyes. I see, she’s realized it too.

“Yes…It’s something I want to paint over. I want to make sure she doesn’t recall anything painful ever again. That’s my foolish mission as that girl’s wife.”

“Hah! I think you’re already done with that, though. What did she call it? Suns and smiles? Something like that. 

The Ellie we know was born the day *urp*  you two met. Who she was before is gone forever.  I hope. That lassie right now is jus-*urp* just the person she needs to be!”

*GLUG GLUG GLUG GLUG* *SLAM*

Kelly finishes off her eighth mug and slams it down. I see, she may act a bit harsh sometimes, but she really does care deep down.

“Puhah! That’s gooooood! Oi barkeep! Fill me up again would ya?”

Just as Kelly's getting a refill, I feel someone sit on the stool to my left, with Kelly on my right.

Wait, isn’t he the guard captain we met at the gate?

“Excuse me, miss, wou-”

*SLAM*

“Oooph!”

Wait, when did Kelly get up and hit him? He fell down from the stool and landed on his knees and elbows. Looks like she got him square in the gut.

“Feck off mate! The girl’s married! Didn’t you get the hint at the gate!”

“Kelly! Why’d you hit the guard captain for no reason?”

“Who? This loser? That’s no captain! He’s barely even a guard! *urp* The real-  Real Captain’s a buff strict-looking guy. Not this dainty cunt.”

“You! *Cough* How dare you assault the city guard! *Cough Cough* I will make sure you’re thrown in jail the rest of your life! You and that stupi-”

*Smash*

“Gehut!”

Just as he was getting up, Kelly bashed his face in with her mug. Her ale sloshed from the impact, but none of it was spilled. What’s with that pointlessly high-level skill? 

Or rather, she’s still holding onto that thing? She brought it all the way from Runetap with her and even brought it into the bar. Maybe it’s a dwarf thing.

The guard ‘captain’ is sprawled out on the floor, unconscious. Looks like she broke his nose and maybe some teeth. Oh, so that’s why that mug’s covered in bloodstains on one side! Thank goodness, I thought it was used in some macabre ritual or belonged to some cult.

… I hope she properly washes it off later, but I'm not holding my breath.

*GLUG GLUG GLUG*

“Ah, the taste is ruined now. That guy went and ruined the good mood!”

Oh no. This is bad! Definitely bad! Angry Drunk Kelly has appeared!

“Oi Kelly, that you!?”

“Huh? Oh if it isn’t Gramps! You old windbag how ya been!?”

“Haha! Pretty good you know!”

Just as I thought the bar was going to lose some patrons, someone called out to her.

This story is posted elsewhere by the author. Help them out by reading the authentic version.

It's an elderly dwarf. His hair and thick belly-length beard are completely white, but his bulging muscles don’t lose to Kelly’s. Maybe meat-headed-ness is also a dwarf thing? 

Oliver back in Runetap wasn’t like that though. But then again Kelly called him a failure of a dwarf...

“Oi Red, this here is my uncle Alan. He took care of me for a few years while I was living here. Taught me everything I know about bar fights!”

Kelly introduces him with a hand wrapped around his shoulders. Is bar-fighting really something that needs to be taught?

“Good day Alan, my name is Kiressara mil Quasse, a pleasure to meet you.”

“Ah? Why in Hell is this girl’s name so bloody long?”

Hey, I’m right here you know?

“I know, right? I just call her Red! Don’t call her Kira though, her other *urp* other half will get super jealous and snap your arm in three!”

Is that why only Ellie and Nano ever call me that? Ellie didn’t go around threatening people at knifepoint over that nickname, right?

… No wait, didn’t she already do that with Olboun!? So she actually gets jealous over others using her pet name for me?

How sweet ~♡! I’ll have to properly thank her later ~♡!

“Hahaha! Sounds like my type of guy! Where’s he at?”

“Oh! This is the best part, gramps! Get this, she’s married to another woman!”

“Bahahhaha! Yeah right, and the king’s actually an evil wizard! C’mon where is the bloke?!”

What a jolly couple of shorties. However, I can’t let this slide. It’s my duty to correct this misunderstanding. 

Since I’m the wife.

… huh.

“Mister Alan. Kelly is serious you know? My wife is a woman.”

“Wha!? For real?”

“For real.”

“Well I’ll be, a double wife set! Never even thought that was possible! I’m even more curious who the luc-”

His expression went from happy, to doubtful, to surprised, to happy and finally to mortified all within a few seconds. It’s like a puddle during a storm! No wonder his face is so wrinkled up.

Wait why is he staring at Kelly like that?

Kelly on the other hand suddenly puts on a foul face and hits him semi-seriously in the shoulder.

“It’s not me ya daft bastard! Red’s just my client! You know. As a MER-CER-NAR-EE!”

“Oh yeah!? I’m pretty sure I heard someone say ‘Red, I love ya’ from across the bar earlier!”

Uh oh.

“Hey! What’s that supposed to mean you old turd! I love mum and about half my brothers, but you don’t see me marrying them!”

Angry Drunk Kelly is rapidly evolving into Rampaging Drunk Kelly!

“Yeah I’m trying to ‘get at something’! I wanna see you doing your duty as a Darkhand! All 11 of your brothers and sisters and most of your cousins already have children!”

“So what!? That’s their own problem!”

“And what about your problem then? You still messing around with that pile of junk you call a golem? You’ll never get a man if you keep wasting your time on that garbage! That childish joke of yours has been going on for far too long!”

“Why you-”

Kelly takes a swing at him but misses. She’s completely off-balance and spins around, almost falling over.

“Ah, wait wait wait, time-out a sec, Gramps!”

*GLUG GLUG GLUG*

She’s… finishing her drink? And that uncle of hers is peacefully waiting? What’s this about?

“Fuah, okay, ready when you are!”

*BLAM*

Alan’s fist instantly meets Kelly’s face. She stumbles backwards but doesn’t fall. She spits out some blood with a *ptui* and charges at him. They trade blows while blood and spit flies here and there.

Mister Barkeep, are you really okay with this?

He and the other patrons are all enjoying the show, so long as it doesn’t devolve into full-blown brawl it should be okay, right?

* * *

The two rowdy drunks calmed down after Alan knocked Kelly out. This old guy is stronger than he looks! 

She woke up a minute later and now they’re back to being chummy. I will never understand these meat-head types. No, let's make it a life goal to never understand them!

“I can tell you’ve been practicing your Drunken Fisticuffs. Good girl!”

“Aye, I’ve been visiting the werewolf joint in Runetap. Those furballs can really take a pounding, and they give as good as they get.”

“That right? Is the drink any good?”

“It’s the absolute best! You should drop by sometime!”

“Really now? Think they’ll like me?”

“You kiddin’? They’ll fecking love you! Those guys are real friendly! I knocked 6 of em out during my first visit and smashed the bar in half, so they let me keep this mug as a memento!”

“That so? It’s a great mug, hard as steel!”

That reminds me, Kelly gave Alan a mug-shot like the one she gave the ‘captain’ but Alan barely even flinched. Just how tough IS this guy?

As for that fake captain, some people carried him away to the barracks for medical attention a while ago. If he makes a fuss later I just have to remind him how he impersonated a superior officer. He could hang for that.

Wait, isn’t this a good opportunity to blackmail him in full force? The coins I made today could use some friends… No, let’s leave him. He isn’t worth the trouble. Plus we’re leaving first thing in the morning.

All right, I’ll forgive him since Kelly already broke his one good asset.

“So Red. I’m getting a bit sober. However, the barkeep doesn’t want to serve me any more ale. Therefore, me and Gramps are going to another place. You wanna come with?”

“Hmm, I don’t know. Nano, is Ellie still busy?”

{Yeah, it’s taking us a while to find our way around the castle.}

{You go have fun, we won’t be back until midnight, at least.}

“Alright, I’m coming with.”

I’m a little tipsy myself, so I can take a few more drinks before I call it a night.