Synopsis
So let's say there's this girl. A young girl who happens to be a highly-trained, psionically-gifted, nanite-infused, genetically-enhanced and emotionally unstable assassin that doesn't know the concept of 'mercy' or 'holding back.'
Let's say she and her imaginary friend miraculously pass through the borders of reality into an alternate universe, crash landing into a world of swords and magic aboard a starship full of high-tech wonders.
Now, let's also say the first person this borderline psychopath meets happens to be her doppelganger - a highly gifted mage who happens to have a few problems of her own, like a bad temper or a bad habit of chronic self-delusion.
With me so far? Good.
Now, what's the on the agenda for these two different people who happen to be the same person? Settle down, start a family and thoroughly enjoy life. Maybe get married and have some kids. How about befriending a violent alcoholic or defeating an ancient evil being? Perhaps kill a few dragons and wreck a city along the way.
Anything can happen around the city of Runetap, after all. It's a place where bizarre and strange things occur on an almost weekly basis. The people living there have long abandoned silly things like common sense or minding the details. A giant flaming UFO streaks above the city in broad daylight? That's just another Tuesday. The City Guard even had the form for that, so believe me when I say this.
It's your loss if you mind it.
This is the light-hearted and fluffy tale of Ellie and Kira as they forge their own path of absurdity and crazyness across a world that often makes little sense. Loosely inspired by the Discworld series of books by Terry Pratchett, even though the author hasn't actually read any of them.
Contains yuri, mature themes and the author's personal views on several subjects. Explicit content is kept to a minimum.Does NOT contain slavery, rape, drugs or any other similarly heavy themes.
Table of Contents
- 1Chapter 0 - Prologues without titles are a sign the author is lazy2024-11-13
- 2Chapter 1 - The weather forecast often feels more like a wish than a prediction2024-11-13
- 3Chapter 2 - It's strange that "Calm Down" and "Don't Panic" seem to have the opposite effect when said in times of emergency2024-11-13
- 4Chapter 3 - Even adults throw tantrums when nobody's looking2024-11-13
- 5Chapter 4 - Life is unpredictable, but that's what keeps it interesting2024-11-13
- 6Chapter 5 - They say you'll die if you meet your double, but that should only happen if you're a bad person to begin with2024-11-13
- 7Chapter 6 - Imaginary friends are great, but introducing them to people is awkward2024-11-13
- 8Chapter 7 - People who only focus on their livelihood are impossible to live with2024-11-13
- 9Chapter 8 - A bad craftsman blames his tools, which is troublesome for the good craftsman with legitimately bad tools2024-11-13
- 10Chapter 9 - A change in someone's mood can almost always be associated with a change in their diet2024-11-13
- 11Chapter 10 - The difference between work and play is all in the mind2024-11-13
- 12Chapter 11 - Meeting colleagues outside of work is somehow more stressful than it needs to be2024-11-13
- 13Chapter 12 - The ordinary days that we live in may, in fact, be a series of miracles2024-11-13
- 14Chapter 13 - A rock landing in a small pond is bound to make a lot of waves2024-11-13
- 15Chapter 14 - Breaking the ice is important in a new relationship, just make sure you do it carefully2024-11-13
- 16Chapter 15 - Emergency units can always react fast because they do drills endlessly2024-11-13
- 17Chapter 16 - Anyone would be angry if you keep insulting their favorite thing2024-11-13
- 18Side Story - Codes are a useful tool for efficiently exchanging information2024-11-13
- 19Chapter 17 - Treat clerks with patience and respect2024-11-13
- 20Chapter 18 - Being able to turn something off and back on again is a vital part of modern life2024-11-13
- 21Chapter 19 - Parents need to realize that making their child visit them is selfish2024-11-13
- 22Chapter 20 - Culture shock isn't a big deal now, but it used to be life threatening2024-11-13
- 23Chapter 21 - Most nightly activities are illegal once there is no consent2024-11-13
- 24Chapter 22 - Remember to lock your doors and close your windows at night2024-11-13
- 25Chapter 23 - Don't break anybody's heart, they have only one. Break their bones, they have 206.2024-11-13
- 26Side Story - Imaginary friends exist because they are needed2024-11-13
- 27Chapter 24 - Nicknames from your childhood tend to stick with you forever2024-11-13
- 28Chapter 25 - They say power corrupts, but surely it doesn't happen overnight2024-11-13
- 29Chapter 26 - It's okay to enjoy your fetish, as long as nobody gets hurt2024-11-13
- 30Chapter 27 - Teamwork is an essential part of life2024-11-13
- 31Chapter 28 - Standing meetings are way more efficient than sitting ones2024-11-13
- 32Chapter 29 - Chapters without a title are also signs that the author is lazy2024-11-13
- 33Chapter 30 - Any parent would be happy when their child is praised2024-11-13
- 34Chapter 31 - There's a fine line between genius and insanity2024-11-13
- 35Chapter 32 - The difference between a genuine product and a knock-off2024-11-13
- 36Chapter 33 - Always read the fine print, even if you can't understand it2024-11-13
- 37Chapter 34 - Persistence is important when training a pet2024-11-13
- 38Chapter 35- Mad scientists are born when regular scientists break their moral compass2024-11-13
- 39Chapter 36 - Itches are meant to be scratched. Ignore them at your own peril.2024-11-13
- 40Chapter 37 - Good things come to those who wait, but they still need to reach out and grasp them2024-11-13
- 41Chapter 38 - Holding it in too long can cause medical problems2024-11-13
- 42Chapter 39 - Courage is not the absence of fear, but the drive to push past it2024-11-13
- 43Chapter 40 - Surgeries are tough on everyone involved, especially the surgeon2024-11-13
- 44Side Story - Chemically speaking, alcohol IS a solution2024-11-13
- 45Chapter 41 - Always check the weather forecast when planning important events2024-11-13
- 46Chapter 42 - A serious housewife is an enemy worthy of Rank B2024-11-13
- 47Chapter 43 - A good toy will inspire wonder regardless of a person’s age2024-11-13
- 48Chapter 44 - People tend to put a lot more effort into their hobbies than their jobs2024-11-13
- 49Chapter 45 - Be mindful of others when being affectionate in public2024-11-13
- 50Chapter 46 - Curiosity did not, in fact, kill the cat. Carelessness did.2024-11-13
- 51Chapter 47 - Weapons exist for a singular purpose - to be used2024-11-13
- 52Chapter 48 - Titles that reuse the same lame joke are a sign the author is lazy2024-11-13
- 53Chapter 49 - People who make good first impressions rarely live up to them2024-11-13
- 54Chapter 50 - You can't be robbed of something that doesn't belong to you2024-11-13
- 55Chapter 51 - It's still magic even if you know how it's done2024-11-13
- 56Chapter 52 - Some women call it “girls night out,” others call it “therapy”2024-11-13
- 57Chapter 53 - Please drink responsibly, for your own sake and that of others2024-11-13
- 58Chapter 54 - No battle plan survives contact with the enemy2024-11-13
- 59Chapter 55 - An angered housewife is an enemy worthy of Rank A2024-11-13
- 60Chapter 56 - Not all sufferers of Tourette's syndrome curse insessantly2024-11-13
- 61Chapter 57 - It's a child's duty to be curious about things2024-11-13
- 62Chapter 58 - Buying one's trust isn't the same as earning it2024-11-13
- 63Side Story - Stalking does not count as a “long distance relationship”2024-11-13
- 64Chapter 59 - Be more understanding with student drivers - it's a terrifying position!2024-11-13
- 65Chapter 60 - Adults are afraid of the dark too, they just hide it better than kids do2024-11-13
- 66Chapter 61 - No matter how happy it is, an adoption is always preceded by tragedy2024-11-13
- 67Chapter 62 - Performing too well at your job is almost worse than performing poorly2024-11-13
- 68Chapter 63 - Everyone around you can be a teacher in their own right2024-11-13
- 69Chapter 64 - Jail time is not universally a bad thing. It does help sometimes.2024-11-13
- 70Chapter 65 - Making this title sound like a nugget of wisdom takes too much effort2024-11-13
- 71Chapter 66 - Fact checking is a skill that seems to be lost to the ages2024-11-13
- 72Chapter 67 - There are questions that should never be asked. It's really for the best2024-11-13
- 73Intermission - Excerpts from the Runetap City Guard Operational Handbook, Vol. 22024-11-13
- 74Chapter 68 - Most interviews can affect your future. Especially the small ones.2024-11-13
- 75Chapter 69 - Good feedback is vital when running a large organization2024-11-13
- 76Chapter 70 - Beware nostalgia, it is a dangerous thing that warps our memmories2024-11-13
- 77Chapter 71 - Even if it doesn't happen overnight, power still corrupts eventually2024-11-13
- 78Chapter 72 - A mother protecting her kids is an enemy that exceeds Rank A2024-11-13
- 79Chapter 73 - Making violence your first resort is a good way to cause problems2024-11-13
- 80Chapter 74 - Collateral damage is a clean term used to talk about something horrible2024-11-13
- 81Side Story - Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic2024-11-13
- 82Chapter 75 - Power-ups that spring out of nowhere always look like dumb luck2024-11-13
- 83Chapter 76 - No matter how much you polish a rock, in the end it's still a rock2024-11-13
- 84Chapter 77 - If we can experience the feeling of deja vu, then what about vuja de?2024-11-13
- 85Chapter 78 - Getting your hopes up only to have them dashed is a special sort of pain2024-11-13
- 86Chapter 79 - Most people have one 'public' face and one 'private' face2024-11-13
- 87Chapter 80 - Honest feedback is vital if you wish to improve a skill2024-11-13
- 88Chapter 81 - A secret's worth is measured by how many people it must be kept from2024-11-13
- 89Chapter 82 - Most elderly people struggle to keep up with technology2024-11-13
- 90Chapter 83 - No good deed goes unpunished2024-11-13
- 91Chapter 84 - No bad deed should go unpunished either2024-11-13
- 92Chapter 85 - When packing your bags, always remember to bring your toothbrush2024-11-13
- 93Chapter 86 - Don't forget to bring some clean underwear, too!2024-11-13
- 94Chapter 87 - First-aid kits are also good to have on a trip. Accidents do happen!2024-11-13
- 95Chapter 88 - Make sure you bring your passport or you'll suffer at the border2024-11-13
- 96Chapter 89 - Seeing all the sights usually involves having a guide2024-11-13
- 97Chapter 90 - Be on the lookout for festivals when visiting abroad. They're great fun!2024-11-13
- 98Chapter 91 - Most festivals end with fireworks. You'll regret it if you miss them!2024-11-13
- 99Chapter 92 - Every vacation gets way more fun when you bring friends and family2024-11-13
- 100Chapter 93 - Observe and respect foreign customs, but do not imitate them carelessly2024-11-13
- 101Chapter 94 - Some people need a vacation to recover from their vacation2024-11-13
- 102Side Story - And now for something completely different2024-11-13
- 103Chapter 95 - Always bounce your ideas off others, a second opinion can be invaluable2024-11-13
- 104Chapter 96 - People who are full of themselves rarely realize that fact2024-11-13
- 105Chapter 97 - No matter how rare something is, it's worthless unless it's put to use2024-11-13
- 106Chapter 98 - Be careful with your sugar intake - it's dangerous beyond mere calories2024-11-13
- 107Intermission - A copy of the Vestiges of the Empire Menu, Spoilers version2024-11-13
- 108Chapter 99 - The apple doesn't fall far from the tree2024-11-13
- 109Chapter 100 - Every parent is different, but some are more different than others2024-11-13
- 110Chapter 101 - Trust, but verify2024-11-13
- 111Chapter 102 - Everybody gets at least a little nervous when applying for a new job2024-11-13
- 112Chapter 103 - Birds of a feather flock together2024-11-13
- 113Chapter 104 - Oddly enough some parents are prouder than their kids on graduation day2024-11-13
- 114Side Story - Actions speak louder than words2024-11-13
- 115Chapter 105 - Those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it2024-11-13
- 116Chapter 106 - Kids think of pets as their friends. Adults think of pets as their kids2024-11-13
- 117Chapter 107 - A midnight emergency doesn't always mean wetting the bed2024-11-13
- 118Chapter 108 - It's all fun and games until someone loses it2024-11-13
- 119Chapter 109 - Don't wait for a calendar to tell you when you should enjoy life2024-11-13
- 120Chapter 110 - New Year's Resolutions are usually closer to New Year's Self-delusions2024-11-13
- 121Chapter 111 - Failure is but the first step on the road to success2024-11-13
- 122Chapter 112 - Taking responsibility is never necessary. It's simply the right thing to do2024-11-13
- 123Chapter 113 - There's a paper-thin difference between a happy and unhappy accident2024-11-13
- 124Chapter 114 - There are some things you can say, and some you can't2024-11-13
- 125Chapter 115 - Take care of your pets and they'll take care of you2024-11-13
- 126Chapter 116 - Violence is always an answer, but it's almost never the right one2024-11-13
- 127Chapter 117 - Going insane is not a solution to life's problems - it is an escape2024-11-13
- 128Not a chapter - Side Story plot contest!2024-11-13
- 129Chapter 118 - There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness.2024-11-13
- 130Chapter 119 - Having the high ground, moral or otherwise, is a definitive advantage2024-11-13
- 131Chapter 120 - Anything can be called a ritual as long as there's enough hand waving involved2024-11-13
- 132Chapter 121 - A lack of knowledge often leads to good people making bad decisions2024-11-13
- 133Chapter 122 - Conspiracy theorists seem to forget the simple fact that correlation does not imply causation2024-11-13
- 134Side Story - A day in the life of me, myself and I2024-11-13
- 135Side Story - The journey of a thousand miles may begin with a single step, but nobody said it had to be done alone2024-11-13
- 136Side Story - Law Enforcement is the one industry that should definitely not allow bad apples2024-11-13
- 137Chapter 123 - The burden of pregnancy can be heavier on the mind than it is on the body2024-11-13
- 138Chapter 124 - If it happened two times, it will happen a third2024-11-13
- 139Chapter 125 - Conversations are a lot like minefields, except you won't lose a leg for a misstep in the former2024-11-13
- 140Chapter 126 - It's amazing how the mere presence of snow can have such a big effect on people2024-11-13
- 141Chapter 127 - You can never be too prepared for a presentation2024-11-13
- 142Chapter 128 - You don't need a special occasion to spend time with family and friends. But it helps.2024-11-13
- 143Chapter 129 - People who say the ends justify the means are either unable or unwilling to find better means2024-11-13
- 144Chapter 130 - Those in charge should take care to properly educate their subordinates2024-11-13
- 145Chapter 131 - The so-called miracle of life can be a surprisingly disgusting process2024-11-13
- 146Chapter 132 - It's the duty of all living things to eat, sleep and poop. Not necessarily in that order.2024-11-13
- 147Chapter 133 - There's a limit to learning through doing2024-11-13
- 148Chapter 134 - Everyone has layers. Just like ogres. Or was that onions? Does everyone have onions?2024-11-13
- 149Chapter 135 - Sometimes it is necessary to hurt others for their own good2024-11-13
- 150Side Story - Reunions would be far less awkward if people stopped trying to recount your embarrassing past2024-11-13
- 151Chapter 136 - Phone interviews may seem impersonal, but they're also convenient in their own way2024-11-13
- 152Intermission - An overview of a certain disembodied voice's employees2024-11-13
- 153Chapter 137 - Despite what people say, you can definitely teach an old dog new tricks2024-11-13
- 154Chapter 138 - The social side of attending school is often more important than the actual education2024-11-13
- 155Chapter 139 - Tight deadlines can be stressful things, but loose ones can be just as bad2024-11-13
- 156Chapter 140 - There's no such thing as ever-lasting memory. Even video tapes and history books will degrade with time.2024-11-13
- 157Chapter 141 - Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is a pattern.2024-11-13
- 158Chapter 142 - 'Keep your friends close and your enemies closer' is meant to be taken figuratively, not literally2024-11-13
- 159Chapter 143 - The things you like always seem to look better when they're further away2024-11-13
- 160Chapter 144 - The main reason people go to the mountains is to get away from other people, the fresh air is just a bonus2024-11-13
- 161Chapter 145 - We're all a little bit crazy2024-11-13
- 162Chapter 146 - Whether a house visit is pleasant or not hinges not only on the host, but also on the guests2024-11-13
- 163Chapter 147 - A teacher will sometimes visit his or her student's home to check up on them, but the opposite somehow never happens2024-11-13
- 164Chapter 148 - Hiding in plain sight seems like a clever strategy, but it rarely works when put into practice2024-11-13
- 165Chapter 149 - Even if a stopped clock is right twice a day, that still means it was wrong on 86398 occasions within that same day2024-11-13
- 166Chapter 150 - Nothing lasts forever, including parents, money, youth, your room, dress shirts, me, you, and Binary Soul2024-11-13
- 167Afterword: Q&A with the author2024-11-13