The thigh path was wide, dark, and silent. Eerily silent. At the urging of Fogdahn, our group stayed close to one side and rode the wall, being careful to check the smaller pathways as we did so; apparently they were pockets of the red mushrooms that infected the animals at one time, but now just made good hiding spots for smaller little assholes that wanted to attack us.

We didn’t come across any foes in the thigh, though Fogdahn insisted that odd creatures lurked everywhere throughout the corpse. Personally, other than the tumor and Burquinn, the oddest thing I had seen in here was him.

As we talked I had thought about Toki, hoping she had made it back to the Wandering City alright. I knew she said she wasn’t coming back inside and would instead take some other route, but so far it seemed like deadly shit just roamed around everywhere. Part of me wanted to make a deal with myself to find the Wandering City after I go to Presley, but where does one even go to find a city that wanders around on its own.

My mind wandered for only a moment as I stepped, felt the shift, and heard the click.

“Drop down! Now!” Fogdahn called out, pulling me out of my thoughts.

I fell to the plush mossy ground quickly, narrowly missing a pale, white bone spear that shot from a distant wall and nearly made me a blueberry kebab. The bone whistled as it ripped right over my body, piercing the stone wall beside me and splintering from the sheer force.

“Ah! What the fuck!” I screamed, careful not to stand up too fast and desperately looking all around. “What was that?!”

“A trap,” Fogdahn answered confidently, continuing to move forward.

“Trap? Who booby traps a corpse?!”

“Oh, sir berry, your musings continue to amuse me,” Foggy said, helping me to my feet. “Allow me to wager a guess that the dungeons in your world do not have traps? Yes?”

“No! We don’t have dungeons!” I said, then shook my head. “Well, wait. We do have dungeons. But they are like super old jail cells, or… or personal ones. Like, you know… sex stuff.”

“Oh my!” Foggy said, putting a hand to his mouth. “Who would have passionate intercourse in a place like this? And even those dungeons do not have traps? Fascinating.”

“It isn’t like this! And… I mean yeah I guess there are traps but they are more consensual than this one.”

“A dungeon that asks for your consent before springing a trap? Foolish. Ineffective. I would expect nothing less from your kind,” Aeronik chimed in.

“Netflix?” Ak questioned in a low, slow stone voice.

I sighed, moving forward carefully and monitoring my surroundings better for traps. “God damn it…”

“Hush,” Fogdahn called back, leading our group further until we finally came to what appeared to be the exit. “Keep moving, do not falter.”

I made an immature face and mocked the eyeball guy, because screw him. We should be headed out of here by now, not wasting time exploring further. As I looked around for more traps I began to see things I hadn’t thought to look at before. The center of the wide room was littered in shattered stalagmites, or stalactites, whichever came from the cave ceiling. They looked sharp, several poking up from the soft ground in even, neat rows while others had been shattered or… or cut; There were even sliced through a few that implied something had cut right through the stone. The ceiling showed the holes left behind from where the spikes had fallen.

There were also more of the bone splinter spear things too. Many were crumbled against the walls, sticking out or littered into shards on the ground. The floor itself seemed to have odd dips as if it had been covered with more of those odd trap lumps I had stepped on, and all around I could see the carving and churning of ground that had been tussled from combat.

Something happened here. Something recently happened here.

We entered through the part of the thigh that connected to the pelvis, my hackles raised as we did so. I checked each step for traps and my surroundings for evidence. As I did so I monitored Fogdahn. He knew something, he had to. I was in no position the question him, thinking he was obviously what was keeping Burquinn from coming back, but the second I got a moment to talk to Foggy alone I’d snitch.

I’d snitch hard.

The pelvic area was much of the same; wide area, smooth walls with several tiny tunnels all over them, which I started realizing may have originally been for veins and capillaries, and more moss and dirt over the ground. However, this area’s floor had a distinct feature that I should have anticipated.

Apparently our dead God here was all double cheeked up. He was storing two hot loaves in his godly trousers.. More cake than the standard Mothric bakery. Basically what I’m saying is the floor was two huge bowls that clearly used to be some God-tier ass cheeks.

We descended to the center of the first, down to the cheek peek, then began to climb back up the steady, gradual curve back up to where the lower back would be. We were just headed up when a loud grinding sound came from behind us, rattling the body cavity itself and causing each of us to brace ourselves. After a few seconds the grinding stopped, and we each looked around to see where it had come from.

Only to find a stone wall blocking the thigh where we had just come from, sealing us in.

“Oh come on!” I said, flailing my arms in frustration. “Now what?”

Fogdahn shook his head, backing away. “No… no. This cannot be… It simply does not work like this.”

I raised a brow and Foggy spoke up next, arms folded over his chest. “What does not work like this, dear brother? What do you speak of?”

The ground began to rumble again, and the Eldritch eyeball guy turned and began to move with incredible speed.

“No! No! This cannot be! How is this happening?!” He hissed in rage, easily climbing the rise of the asscrack. “Quickly! Those with speed follow me!” Fogdahn screamed again, Ak quickly following as one of our faster party members, along with a recently summoned back Scrappy; the battle orchid jumped to Ak’s back and cling to the Golem as they partnered with Fogdahn.

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“Dude! What the fuck! What is going on!” I shouted for maybe the 13th time since this story started, the floor and cavern rumbling like a vibrator.

Seriously, I know I shout in confusion a lot but I’m a God damn blueberry in some fantasy world. Give me a little break over here.

“There is no time! We must separate our group! Fogwarth, take the Icaraz fool up toward the back with haste! Blueberry, remain in that crater with Bellbane; he will protect you. Now move!” Fogdahn’s voice cut through to us all just before he, Ak, and Scrappy fell out of sight just over the rise of the ass crack.

“Divot?! This is an ass cheek! And why are we vibrating?!”

Foggy used his charge ability and tore through the dirt and moss, easily clearing a majority of the space in mere seconds before he began his climb to the lower back area, which was sort of like a high, flat plateau. I’ll give Foggy credit, when the guy wanted to move he could really move. Even in his heavy armor he had nearly reached his destination already.

However, Aeronik didn’t budge.

“What are you doing?! Get going, asshole!” I shouted at the bee.

He just stood there, angry, surveying his surroundings.

“No,” he answered. “I take no orders from the children of a monster. I will not be submissive to the whims of the class king’s offspring! Our mission is done, you disgusting berry creation. We should be finding an exit! I care not for Fogdahn, nor for Fogwarth! We should leave!”

The shaking grew even more intense, both Aeronik and I having to fall to a knee just to stay upright. My eyes met his, burning hate igniting between us.

“We’re sealed in! Where are we gonna go, idiot? Think we can break down the damn stone wall?”

“Yes! I believe we can! And I will be trying with or witho-“

Before our poorly timed argument could continue, the vibrating intensified for a brief spell and I was knocked to my berry ass, along with the bee again, while the nightmare-fuel mist monster seemed entirely unfazed. The sounds of cracking and shifting stone were loud enough to burst any normal eardrum, and my head began to throb with a migraine from all of the rattling.

I didn’t even have time to call out to anyone. There was only a glimpse of Foggy making it to his platform before enormous, thick stone walls fell down from the ceiling high overhead, slamming down in a T shape to cut us off from the lower back and the other cheek. From my vantage it appeared as if Foggy had only just made it by without getting crushed by the dropped wall. I gulped in relief as the shaking finally stopped.

“Foggy! Ak!” I shouted out, grabbing the sword that I dropped and getting back up to my feet.

Aeronik stood as well, shaking his head and muttering in frustration as he moved toward the sealed off entrance to the thigh. He took his spear, which was badly damaged as it was, and began to chisel at the thick stone wall as if he were going to magically bust us out of here.

“Guys! Can you hear me?” I shouted out again, but I was met only with the sound of the chiseling. I instead looked to Bellbane, the large condensed mist monster beside me, who was staring out into nothing and completely dissociating.

Golems are fucking weird.

“Mist guy,” I said, staring up at its horrible, shifting hollow face. “Bellbane, right? What’s going on? Can you get us out of here?”

Bellbane looked down at me, slowly shook his head, and then went back to doing absolutely nothing. I sighed, disappointed to be trapped with an idiot and a glorified statue, then decided to bring up my interface.

Seemed like both Foggy and Ak were still okay, though I couldn’t see their active status or health. I also absently looked to Fogwen’s token, and I was happy to see that hers was unchanged as well. On my familiar tab I saw the timer still remaining on Goomba, which had only ticked down a mere couple of hours, but I noted that Scrappy was still active and at full health.

So far so good.

[Dungeon Alert: Fourth room activated. Fourth trial will commence in thirty seconds]

“Huh? What’s that all about?” I muttered.

Aeronik paused his carving, clearly receiving the same prompt as well. Disregarding his task, the prick quickly moved away from the door and rushed over to where Bellbane and I stood, spear gripped tightly in hand. Bellbane had also adjusted, raising its misty fists and bracing itself in a fighting stance.

“Yo… alright, what gives? What am I missing here?” I said, brandishing my blade and preparing my spells. “It’s about to get bad, right? Something sucky is gonna happen?”

Bellbane looked down at me and simply nodded.

I slouched and let out a long sigh. “Shit. I knew it. Something bad is literally always about to happen here.”

[Dungeon Alert: Fourth Room preparing to commence trial. Fourth trial will begin in ten seconds]

“Alright. Okay! Let’s do this then! Any thoughts on what the trial is? What do we have to do?” I asked, mentally preparing myself for whatever was going to go down. “Boss fight? It’s a boss fight, right? Gonna be real predictable if it is a boss fight.”

[Dungeon Alert: Fourth trial commencing. Delvers of the Juniperscar’s Husk, welcome to your fourth trial, Tail End of the Horde, Blind Trust. This is a timed trial. This is a combat trial. Your party has been divided into three separate chambers. Your party must defeat a total of 100 Capillarachnid Veinlings and 20 Capillarachnid Artery Alphas within ten minutes. For every one foe defeated, two additional will be summoned]

Before I could even question it, something scurried down from the shadows of the ceiling along the curve of a far wall. It was fast, merely a blur of blue and red, glistening and wet, as it shifted through the cavern shadows. I braced myself and watched as it charged from a far wall right at us, into the odd energy light field from Aeronik’s magical lanterns.

“Spider!!” I screamed, raising my sword and shrieking like a drama club kid on Christmas.

Spider? Yes. Normal? Hell no. This thing was a tangle of blue, wet veins with crimson eyes full of sloshing blood and pale, white fangs. The gooey mess was shaped like a normal spider, and it moved with all eight vein legs just as any other would have. The thing even had a pulsating, blood filled abdomen that I had to guess shot out a gross blood web.

Mama never told me I’d have to deal with gross blood webs when I was turned into a magical blueberry.

“Die!” I roared, slashing down with my blade just as the spider pounced, slashing it in half and spraying us with an arterial blood burst like an overpacked water balloon.

The blood rained down, I stood inhaling deep breaths and letting my shoulders rise and fall. Fuck you, spider.

“What are you doing?!” Aeronik barked, shoving me as he did so. “Did you even pay attention to the trial?!”

“Huh?” I answered, too caught up in the moment. Out of the corner of my eye I watched two more of the crawling vein spiders scurry down the ceiling and walls. At that moment it finally clicked. “Oh shit!”

Both came to us fast, leaping at Aeronik this time. I expected a dodge, planning to basically kite the spiders around and pick them off occasionally just to be somewhat useful. Then, the stupid ass bee screams at the spiders and takes both out with swift stabs.

“Die!”

“Hey! Hold up! Are you kidding me?” I shouted, watching him do exactly what he told me not to do.

“Huh?” He answered, drenched in even more blood and guts. “I… oh. I believe I have miscalculated… Have I Mentioned that I do not like arachnids?”

Four more entered the fray, and we prepared ourselves to continue on like absolute morons. Aeronik to my left, Bellbane to my right, and my sword held out before me. I quickly tried to formulate a plan, wanting to figure out a way to stop spawning them so quickly. That’s when Bellbane spoke, his voice a baritone, hollow whisper that seemed to devour the air around us entirely. It said only one word as it charged forward. One long, drawn out, groaning battle cry.

“Die!”