“Holy shit!” I blurted, or yelped. I shouted? It doesn’t matter.

There are very few good ways to react when you meet a new friend just to find out they are a seven foot tall caterpillar monstrosity decked out in knight armor. I may have screamed a few more times, though if Fogwarth cared he didn’t totally show it. Instead he just stood there, or hung there, staring at me with his gross buggy smile. His plush, squishy green face was so close to mine I could practically smell the stench of his breakfast. I made a mental note that apparently at some point he wore a helmet, somehow, since he was holding it with two of the six or so arms I could see.

I may have been completely freaked out, but I did sort of want to see how he even wore a helmet on his plump head.

Getting a better look at him, I realized he was strange for a caterpillar, and not just because of the armor or swords. He was green, but it was more of a dark forest green with no markings of any kind. He also did not have arms or legs down the length of his entire body, instead having a set of six up near his… neck? I guess what counted as his neck anyway. Then it was a long, smooshy smooth body that must have had legs on the other end. Did we have creatures like this? Like, little versions?

“Well sir, now that you have seemingly settled down, would you mind sharing your name?”

“Uh…” I muttered back, my mouth still hanging open in shock from this whole mad event. “It’s… uh… Barry. Like you said.”

“Yes, I did call you a berry. However, that cannot be your name,” Fogwarth answered, raising a… brow? I think it was a brow. “You would not name a scrumptious leaf Leaf, or a delectable mushroom Mushroom.”

“What? No. Not what I meant. My name is Barry. I’m a Human. Is calling people a berry like an insult here or something? Where is here anyway?” I asked, carefully eyeing my surroundings and trying desperately to move around.

“Let me be Frank with you, sir berry. I have a great deal of patience. Some say a surplus of it, if you will. I am known throughout Mothric as Fogwarth The Patient! It is only rivaled by my title as The Flightless Guard! I am also known to enjoy a good ribbing! I am sometimes known as Fogwarth The Comical! Yet even I know my limits.”

I groaned. “You just called me Sir Barry. Are you calling me a berry? Or saying Barry? Here, let me try this. Hello, Fogwarth. My name is Barry, spelled B-A-R-R-Y, and I am a human being.”

“No, you are a berry. A calypso blueberry, to be exact. One of the finest in our kingdom! Robust in size, a delectable sour crunch with a subtle sweetness, our calypso blueberries are known far and wide to be a perfect jam.”

“Dude, what are you even…”

My voice slowly faded off on its own as I continued to inspect my surroundings. This was a blueberry orchard. I was clearly not on the ground, surrounded by enormous plant life and insects, and I could not move my body. Was I…? No.  Can’t be. No way.

“Am I in the hospital?” I asked Fogwarth after a long pause. “Are you a doctor? Am I on a shit load of morphine or something?”

“Hmmm, an interesting line of questioning, sir berry. I certainly am not a doctor or cleric of any kind, though I am known as Fogwarth The Medic for my proficiency in battlefield first aid. Are you in need of medical help? You are currently on a vine, though you are prime for harvest in my humble opinion. I could see about putting you on this morphine, however it may take some time to decipher what exactly it is. Interesting indeed.” Fogwarth seemed to look off into the sky as he hmmmed to himself again.

“Okay… okay. This is all some kind of alcohol nightmare. It’s my punishment. I deserve this.”

“Alcohol, you say? Well now, you are my kind of berry indeed, sir berry. Shall we have a drink to toast of victory over Lucan today?” Fogwarth asked. “I can transport you to the Kingdom, if you would like.”

[Warning: Once you are pulled from the Life Vine you must reach an evolutionary path within 72 hours of extraction to avoid negative status effects or death. Current evolutionary paths available: None. Current Level: 1. Current Equipment Score: 0]

“Ah! What the hell was that?!” I shouted in fresh panic.

A loud, monotone robotic voice popped into my mind with the warning message, while at the same time a red string of glowing text popped up and then disintegrated within my vision. I had to be losing it. Some kind of system alert? Whatever this dream was, it needed to pick a lane. Was I a fucking fantasy world blueberry or is this some alien sci-fi thing?

“Splendid! That was most likely your very first interaction with your interface!” Fogwarth chimed in, clapping his top two leg-things together enthusiastically. “What luck we have, sir berry! I have always wished to witness a first interface exchange. Please, go on. Do not allow me to interrupt.”

He stared at me blankly with his squishy face for a moment as if waiting for something.

“Huh? I don’t even know what you’re talking about. I can interact with this thing? It was just words and a voice. Also, still not getting over the fact that I’m a fucking blueberry over here. This is a lot to process so, like, help me out over here.”

“Ah, of course. How clumsy and foolish of me. Your kind are extraordinarily rare, and as a native of this land can be forgetful that you do not have our customs in your home world. It is a wonder they do not title me as Fogwarth the Forgetful! Now then, this may take some getting used to, but you have to focus on your interface. Close your eyes if it helps, then try to speak at it rather than conversing with it. The process does grow to be far easier over time, sir berry. I assure you.”

Ignoring the entire bit about this being some kind of new world or something, I took the advice and began to focus on the interface.

At first I tried a blank, empty gaze into nothing at all. With no success, I moved to a hardened squint. Still nothing. Finally, I tried closing my eyes as Fogwarth had suggested. Inhale, exhale. Clear mind, open mind. Come on now. Show me the money. Open sesame bagel. Let’s do this.

Nothing.

“So this isn’t working,” I told Fogwarth. “Got any ideas for a question I can ask or something? What’s a common thing to want from the interface?”

“Hmmm,” Fogwarth thought aloud. He was oddly animated for a strange worm knight thing. “Most utilize it to check their current status or growth progress. Though there are endless uses, depending on your needs.”

Alright, I thought to… myself. Show me my status. My eyes shut and I allowed everything to go black and silent.

As if I had said the magic words, and the entire layout of words and numbers manifested beside a spinning picture that simply was labeled as my “Avatar.”

If you spot this narrative on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.

It was… a blueberry. A blueberry with a face. Two eyes, an angry scowl, and a frown. Holy shit.

[Name: Barry.

Title: None.

Race: Calypso Blueberry.

Level: 1.

Class: Angiomancer.

Rarity: Abundant.

Equipment Level: 0]

There it was. Clear as day. I was Barry, the blueberry. A level 1, worthless, weak, abundant, blueberry. Dream or no dream, this sucked. I couldn’t at least be another warrior worm? Or the damn bee? I was a blueberry? Come on. This was the plot of some forgotten Goosebumps story, not the dreams of a man in his late thirties.

Mid thirties on Tinder.

“Okay. So I’m a blueberry,” I said to Fogwarth.

“Yes, we have established this,” he answered with a hint of condescension.

I rolled my blueberry eyes. “Got it. My rarity says I’m abundant. I don’t know what that means, but you and the bee thought I was special or something.”

“Ah, but you are special, sir berry,” he said with more excitement in his robust baritone. “The calypso blueberry is abundant to be sure, as we grow thousands upon thousands of them to nourish ourselves and our aligned neighbors. Yet, none of those we savor on a regular basis have ever spoken to us! It was an anomaly, I assure you this much.”

“So not only am I a fucking blueberry, but I’m the only talking blueberry? This is… it’s…”

“Absurd? Moronic? Laughable? Unfortunate?” Fogwarth chimed in. “To be sure. It is all of those and more. And yet, it is fascinating. The life of a berry is a short one, its only purpose is to spread its seed and nourish our tummies. Yet… perhaps there is more than such a delectable existence…”

“Hold on,” I paused, then stared daggers at Fogwarth. “Are you going to eat me, Fogwarth?”

He feigned shock and surprise, putting one of his odd arms on his chest and gasping like an out of work former Broadway star. “My good sir! My dear berry! How can you question my loyalty? My friend, you may be juicy, ripe and delicious. Your brothers, your sisters, and your parents may come victim to my appetite. Your own children may one day feed me and nourish my people. But you, sir berry, will remain untouched for as long as you should draw breath! Or as long as you still talk. You have the oath of a distinguished knight!”

Once Fogwarth bowed and ended his speech, a new system notification sent me an alert.

[Oath Received: Fogwarth, The Flightless Guard of the Mothric Kingdom, has sworn an Oath of dedication and protection to you, Barry, the Level 1 Calypso Blueberry. Fogwarth has agreed to not consume you or harm you in any way as long you draw breath. If you should die or be rendered non-sentient, the Oath will be terminated. In turn, Fogwarth has asked that you swear an Oath of companionship and friendship. Do you accept the terms of this Oath?]

I read it and reread it. The system interface didn’t have to mention I was a Level 1 blueberry. That seemed a little unnecessary. The Oath seemed fine, as far as I knew anyway, and I hoped that since it was system provided it would keep him from randomly deciding to eat me, even though I strongly disliked the adjustment stating that if he didn’t think I was sentient he could just eat me anyway. Still, the system had to know I was and would keep it from being broken if it’s using some kind of gaming sci-fi logic. At least I could probably sleep peacefully without him thinking I was dead. The terms for my friendship were odd and made me scrunch up my face in confusion.

“Ah, I see you are reading our Oath contract carefully. Very wise, sir berry. These Oaths require a bit of give and take as a standard between those making it. I offer you safety, and I had to request something of you in return. Since we are already the best of friends and sacred allies, I had assumed this was a simple request. If I was mistaken, sir berry, then I humbly understand should you choose to decline it.”

Fogwarth just stared at me. A blank stare, one neither menacing or enticing. A… possibly hungry stare. I wasn’t totally sure, but I definitely wasn’t going to risk it. There was a decent probability that if I declined it the caterpillar guy would eat me. Besides, he wasn’t so bad. He had fought for my protection so if he wanted me to be his best friend or whatever I could play along.

Not like there were too many other choices for friends right now anyway.

With a simple thought, I accepted the terms. A shimmering light grew around us, blinding us both for a moment and causing a vibrating hum to ripple the air. For a moment I panicked all over again, thinking I had just done something horrible that sealed my fate. Slowly, the textured greens of the elegant orchard came back into focus as the light faded, and I was flooded with the strange notifications again.

[You have entered into a binding Oath with Fogwarth, The Flightless Guard of the Mothric Kingdom. This Oath may not be broken unless those bonded to the Oath agree to release one another in the presence of a witness with the Oath Breaker talent]

[Fogwarth has been added as a Companion. You may now view the Companion menu to review your Companion list. Fogwarth’s status and information is now available to you. You now share in a portion of gained Experience with Fogwarth when you are within a 15 mile radius. Fogwarth may now share soulbound items. Quests may now be shared with Companions and party members]

[Adventurer Party Formed. Three empty slots remain for an Adventurer Party. Please upgrade party to a Raid Unit or War Regiment for additional slots]

“Huh? What is all of this now?” I asked a bit more incredulously than I had intended. I had read them as fast as they popped up, only fully understanding about half or so while I figured the rest would make more sense later.

Maybe. As long as I wasn’t eaten by a friendly caterpillar or angry bee.

“Oh! Oh my! Fascinating… simply fascinating,” Fogwarth said, rubbing a chin with one of his upper arms. “Angiomancer? That is a Class I have not heard before. And your name truly is Barry. How unfortunate! Barry the Berry! Fascinating. Though… you are weak, sir berry.”

“Hey! Hey! Knock it off!” I snapped, feeling vulnerable as if he were staring at me with X-ray glasses or something. “I still don’t even know what any of that shit means so quit it!”

Fogwarth’s plump green cheeks fluffed with a smile and he let out a belly laugh once again. I immediately felt my own face tug in a sour, puckered expression.

“All things come in time, sir berry. Yet that time is not now. Come, we must make haste for the high walls of Mothric.” Fogwarth’s strange, inky eyes seemed full of worry as they began to shift from one side to another. “The neighboring empire is not far, and my concern is that the Queen may send a retaliatory force to claim you.”

I did my best to shake my head, which was also my entire body, but I barely managed to rustle the stem I was attached to.

“Wait, don’t be too quick,” I answered. “I got an alert about being pulled from the stem. It said I’d have, like, 72 hours or something to evolve or I’d… well, I guess I’d begin to die.”

He nodded thoughtfully.

“Right. I thought as much. Unfortunately, my good berry, your death is more likely to occur if we do not remove you.”   Fogwarth pondered for a moment more, literally making the classic sounds of one who ponders. Lots of hmmm and ohh. Finally he began to speak. “Evolution… It can be a fickle beast to tame. Every race wields different paths like a longsword in the night, and there are some that are solely unique to an individual, and yet others that require rituals or items. My own people have a dozen paths just for common evolutions. I doubt any would have information on the evolution of a berry, however I have a plan! Now, let us make haste!”

“Hold on a second there, Foggy! I’m-“

The ringing sound of an unsheathed blade let out a chorus around us, followed by the whipping sound of a blade carving through air. My blueberry mouth hung slack in terror, awe, and disbelief as it carved right through the upper part of my stem, severing me from my thin branch in one swift swoop. The branch shuttered, the other, non-sentient, berries around me shook with the force, and soon I found myself falling through a maze of lush green leaves and branches. I tumbled downward, sensing my impending splat against the earth below. As I fell, I was prompted by a less-than-welcome message.

[Warning: You have been severed from your source of nutrients. You have 78 hours (72 hours plus an additional 6 for retaining most of your host stem) to achieve an evolutionary path or cellular degradation will begin]

[Current paths available: None]

As I fell I screamed up at Fogwarth, who had casually plucked one of my silent brethren and was beginning to eat it as he inched his way down.

Huh, I thought briefly as I fell. He’s an inch worm.

That thought was shaken as I rotated and began to see the ground closing in. With a final scream up at Fogwarth I anxiously prepared to splat into nothing but sour juice. My voice faded as I fell lower and lower.

“You bastard!!”