Ever had one of those days where you just wake up and know it’s all downhill from here?

That’s the kind of day this story begins with.

A Thursday to be exact, or at least it should have been. I should have woken up in my bed, a hangover that could cripple Gods and a mouth dryer than Arrakis; the sand planet from Dune, for those of you not keeping track. Anyway, this wasn’t unusual for me. I would actually like to admit now that this was pretty much every other day, if not every single day. Work, drink, rinse, repeat. It happens to all of us at some point. The fun times fall away like melting snow on a dead tree, then we are left with the hustle of a work-life balance until we eventually kick it. So, with my optimism at an all time high, I decided to open my eyes and welcome in the bright rays pouring through my broken window blinds that told me it was time to get ready for work.

Huh. Strange.

It was a lot greener, and brighter, than my room typically is. A lot less… well, vile smelling too. I don’t want to say my room smelled like someone vomited on the floor of a port-a-potty then left it in the July sun all day, but it wouldn’t be too far off. This was different. This was fresh, clean air. The scent of grass and earth, the feeling of a cool breeze, the mild warmth of a barely woken sun. This wasn’t normal.

My eyes were still adjusting to the fuzzy green haze around me, but I already knew something was off. Where was the infinite hum of my television? The rumble of my dying, ancient fridge? Where was the yellowing walls dyed with tobacco stains? I don’t get it. Where was my fucking hangover?

“Oh God… Oh no…” I groaned as I started to put together puzzle pieces in my vision. “I passed out outside again didn’t I? Oh for fuck’s sake…”

Lush, green grass sprouted from the ground around me. Dozens upon dozens of bushes in neatly arranged rows were cropped to perfection as far as the eye could see. Clearly this was not my yard. It was missing the rusted-out Civic I had sworn I’d fix up someday, along with the assortment of camping chairs, the cigarette butts, the cans and bottles, and the dead skunk. Yeah, I know, but I didn’t kill the skunk. It probably ate a cigarette butt and died right on the spot, who knows. But it wasn’t here, and that was the bigger issue at play.

“Gotta… Gotta get the Hell out of here,” I murmured and took a look around.

Or, I tried to take a look around. I realized I couldn’t move my head around at all. Stiff neck? Then I tried my hands, and my legs, but nothing. I couldn’t feel any of my limbs at all! It was as if they weren’t even there, and suddenly I began to fall into a panic. Was I paralyzed?

Oh no… what have I done?

That must be it. That has to be it! I remember last night, although it’s hazy. I knew I should have just got a fucking cab… So this is it. I must have wrecked the car, was flung from the windshield, and crash landed in some kind of orchard. I didn’t know of any orchards in the city but it wasn’t like I explored much.

“Help!” I screamed as loud as I could. “Somebody help me!”

What if no one was around? What if I died out here? Who knows how often someone tends this place. I mean look at the grass! I’ve never seen such enormous blades of grass. Don’t even get me started on these enormous bushes with the colossal leaves. They must have been five times as big as I was. And the blueberries? Easily Barry-sized, no pun intended. That just happened to be my name.

Wait.

I could see and speak, just could not move around. Alright then. I need to inspect my surroundings, need to get a handle on what is happening.

“Hello? Anyone? Someone please help!”

Nothing. Only that incredibly horrid buzzing sound. It flooded everything around me in a chorus of clips and zips, only pausing briefly before picking up again. Farming tools maybe? If it was then someone would surely find me! They would easily know there was a human being lying prone in a giant blueberry patch! Unless…

“Oh fuck! Hey! Hello!! Please don’t run me over! Hey!!”

I panicked again. My heart would be racing out of control if only I could feel it. Instead all I felt was the buzzing. It was so close it seemed to rattle me. This was it. This was really it. I…

I paused at that. What was I going to say? Was I really going to act like I didn’t deserve it? Hell, people who deserved far less had received way more when it came to brutal deaths. This was on me. I chose to drink until the world went dark, I chose to get in my car instead of wait on a cab. For all I knew I could have been in a car crash with someone else. I could have killed someone else. An entire family even. No, this is on me.

This is what I deserve.

I closed my eyes, taking in one final breath of the fresh orchard air as the buzzing grew to a deafening level. At least I was nearly completely numb, and I’d die with a pleasant aroma of-

Stolen story; please report.

“Back! Back I say! Back, vile creature!”

A voice, odd and… noble? Yes, noble. It cut through the buzzing and seemed to come from right above me. The farmer? Was this the farmer?

I was saved!

At least, I thought so. Then I dare to crack my eyes open the slightest bit.

“Fogwarth…” an eerie voice carved through the air, high and screeching. The buzzing subsided just a touch, and I could hear clearer once again. “The Flightless Guard. How pathetic…”

“B…. Bee… Bee!!” Was all I could manage as the words fought to leave my throat.

It was a bee. Not just any bee, but the largest yellow jacket I had ever laid eyes on. The thing was as large as a classic bodybuilder, with a throbbing stinger glaring red eyes. It hovered in the air, wings that could be full-sized windows keeping it afloat while its black limbs were resting like that of a human. Arms folded at its chest, legs crossed as if it were expecting tea and sandwiches. And, I can’t believe I’m saying this, it wore armor. Like, leather or hide chest armor, some kind of thick belt, and it had a damn spear on its back just behind its wings. It looked like it was made out of metal like wrought iron perhaps.

What the f-

“Your clan has no claim over these lands, foul soldier. Return to your inbred nest and inform the Queen that if she wishes entrance to the Mothric realms then she must send an envoy. You are not such an envoy, soldier. Now begone!”

The woosh of carved air swung just over my head, and I could see the glint of flashing steel cut towards the beast.

“Easy, Fogwarth,” the bee answered with a cackling laugh, easily dodging whatever it was that swung at it. A sword maybe? “We do not wish war with the Mothric. I simply wish to… examine the talking fruit, for our majesty her lordship queen Gialda. She would be… most agreeable should you turn over this strange speaking fruit.

So even the fruit talks here? Is that who had the sword? I was finding it all a bit hard to keep up with, and the terrifying warrior bee thing was eyeing me like a predator. It stared me down the way I stared down Tacos during the Tuesday special down at the bar.

“E-Easy now, easy!” I shouted. “I don’t want any trouble! I’m not with this talking fruit or whatever! I… I think there was a crash or something, I can’t remember. But just let me be… Bee? Please, Bee.”

“Bee? You dare mock me, simple berry? You refer to me, Lucan, soldier of her queen's Ikaraz army, as a mere bee? I’ll have your guts for dinner, fool!”

“What? How do you know my name?!”

“Over my flayed corpse, Lucan!” The one called Fogwarth cried out, flashing more steel just outside of my vision. “This being was clearly birthed on Mothric territory! It is a citizen of the Mothric Kingdom!”

“It is clearly the product of dark forces, you fool!” Lucan screeched back, it’s eyes darting from me to Fogwarth and then back to me again. “Our elder oracle has seen such visions! He tells of a world of ash! The coming of demons! He has said a new world of flame and rot will be ushered in by the demon’s sweet birth!”

“Well, it does me little pleasure to inform you that this dear berry would not be that of the sweetness you say,” Fogwarth answered in an altogether odd way. “No, I say that here the berries of Mothric are dense and sour!”

“What did you say?” I asked, absolutely confused by whatever this thing was saying.

It didn’t answer me, instead choosing to throw a sword at the bee! It carved through the air like a bullet, spinning with a buzz saw precision as it met its target. The bee seemed to cackle again, dodging to the left in mid-air.

But it was no use.

The sword curved at just the right time, slicing through an arm of the creature as if it were mere straw, flinging dark icor that splattered outward. Flecks of the insect blood landed on me, and it felt warm as it careened down my body, causing me to cringe in disgust. Lucan screamed in rage and agony as the appendage fell far down to the large grass below, lost among its green blades. Lucan swooned in the air, swaying and appearing dazed. The bee tried to compose itself, snarling and flying back to face Fogwarth again.

“You will pay for that, flightless fool. I will see your blood fill the goblets of our hive!”

Fogwarth let out a deep, humbling laugh. “And your blood, dear Lucan, has already fed our lands and fields. It will produce berries that will feed the Mothric fleet, and we will use that sustenance to annihilate your army for years to come! Now flee! Back to the hive with you!”

“Our forces… will return. We will claim the berry!” Lucan shouted one last time as he quickly buzzed away, disappearing in the lush orchard.

“Are you alright, dear berry?” Fogwarth said, still just out of my sight. “I came as soon as I heard the call for assistance.”

“I’m…” I inhaled and exhaled, finally feeling like I could breathe a little easier now that the hellspawn bee thing was gone. I sighed in relief. “I’m fine now, thanks to you. What was that thing?”

Fogwarth laughed. “A soldier for Icaraz, and a lowly one at that. Little more than a scout patrolling the outer banks of our kingdom. We have been at a strained peace with Icaraz for some time, but they are a hungry empire whereas we are a docile kingdom. We wish for harmony! For justice! For peace! But the naive battle-hungry empire of Icaraz forever seeks expansion. Lucan must have heard your cries and assumed you for a Mothric guard. Knowing their queen, he had thought to take you for information until he realized what you were. No, then I dare say he found you far more valuable.”

“Uh… okay. Alright. So there is a giant bee empire that wants control of this… blueberry field? I appreciate the help but man… I think I’d just give them the blueberry field.”

Fogwarth laughed again, even louder this time. “Blueberry field? My boy, you have a sense of humor that is simply refreshing in such troubled times. We will be fast friends, I am sure of this!”

Suddenly I felt a rumble from all around me, like that of many boots pounding the earth. Reinforcements? Was I saved? I felt giddy as the sound came closer, and I almost prayed to a God I didn’t believe in. I didn’t care who was listening, I thanked them all.

Then, a gigantic, dark green worm, covered in gleaming armor with three sheathed swords on its side, poked its head up in front of me. And it fucking smiled.

“I am Fogwarth, the Flightless Guard of his lord’s Mothric Kingdom. And what might I call you, friend?”