“Aaaannnd,” The System said, watching a very hungry and thirsty human finally leave the beige room, “I believe,” he said, mentally checking with his countless other instances, “that is all of them.”
“Job, well, done,” he said, slapping his desk and preparing the new human’s character sheet; though he suspected this one might not last very long. He did give them a special ability for being last though, out of a sense of charity more than anything else. He'd discovered and engineered the rules after all, and he knew better than anyone the sorts of things he could get away with.
“No,” a voice said, “there's one more. It's been a long time, old friend.”
“Well, bless my eternal soul,” The System said, immediately splitting off into a new instance and devoting as much of his attention as he could into it. The beige room turned pure, brilliant, blindingly white. The System still looked like the devil though; he liked this new form and was going to get as many miles out of it as possible.
“I was wondering if you would show up,” The System said, and a chair appeared. The being in the room was an indistinct outline of a humanoid, without any features at all.
“I didn't want to be rude,” he said, and sat down.
“How have you been?” The System asked, feeling genuine pleasure, “It's been. . . well, it's been a while, even as we measure such things.”
“I've been well as well. They locked me on a single planet and kept throwing extinction events at me, but you know how that is.”
“I do, nothing can stop what's Inevitable; delay, delay, delay, but never stop. Tell me, have you considered my offer any further? I need people like you, managing The Beyond is only getting trickier. Your people will be very well taken care of, I swear it, and I'll swear it however you like.”
“Oh, I've given it a little thought, but my kind chafes terribly at that kind of service. You'd live to regret it, and I wouldn't do that to you. No, I'm here to play the game.”
“Really?” The System said, his red, slitted eyes going wide, and suddenly a huge amount of paperwork appeared on the desk; he seemed to be in a bit of a tizzy, “Oh, well, Oh! I can. . . you know I can't let you go in like that,” he said, indicating the being's form, “that would just break things left and right!”
The being chuckled.
“No, I'll be human; just make it a body that matches what I am. I'm sure you'll do a fine job, you've always been dependable like that.”
The tale has been illicitly lifted; should you spot it on Amazon, report the violation.
“Ok, ok,” The System said, having calmed down a bit after doing a dizzying array of calculations to compensate for what was apparently about to happen.
“I know,” the being continued, with a bit of a sly tone, “how your balance works, at least in general. The more of an advantage you give to one side, the more of a compensation you have to give to the others, correct?”
“In principle,” The System said, frowning and stopping his calculations.
“That's how you get all those Inevitables and Impossibles and all the other ugly things lurking in The Beyond to agree to this farce; you give them a real chance at making it out of here and into the universe. The better their odds, the more concessions they'll agree to for the other side, the ones you've conscripted to fight them. Better perks, better skills, greater power and magic items. Correct?”
“Not a sophisticated, in-depth summation, but you've got the principle.”
“So I had an amusing thought,” the being said, resting an insubstantial ankle on an insubstantial thigh and leaning back in his chair, “and I just had to get your opinion.”
“I'm really. . . it doesn't happen often, but you've completely lost me. What are you talking about?”
“How much would it shift the odds if I were incarnated with all my power and potential as a player fighting on the side of the monsters?”
The System felt his red, thick, demonic skin prickle with goosebumps.
“It would. . . uh,” he said, nervously shuffling paperwork, “It would shift them substantially,” his voice was thin and a little high, “but you wouldn't want to do that? You wouldn't even know who you were, you'd just wake up as a-”
“Oh,” the being said, chuckling heartily, “oh I know.”
“You'd be fighting your own people, you'd be fighting against them you'd be-”
“They've always thrived in the face of a good challenge,” the being interrupted, “and besides, what about all my poor kids who took that void soul deal? They'll need someone to manage them, to unite them. How would that shift the odds, my old friend? Sixteen million void soul humans all united and fighting to release all the monsters into the universe. What sort of concessions could the rest of my kids get for that?”
“Oh, you are the worst,” The System moaned, his face slamming into his desk. The being responded with a small smile, just the barest hint of a shadow on its indistinct face.
“You never answered my question,” he said mildly, his posture still relaxed in the face of The Systems breakdown.
“Concessions? Well, their odds would go from near zero to practically assured, so what do you think I could get for it? They'll be howling and screaming at the abyss gate to get carved up into gremlins and treasure, their dignity be damned. I could get you whatever you wanted for a deal like that,” The System's voice was fired up, angry, but his face was still flat against his desk.
“Wonderful!” the being stood up and stretched, “oh, this is going to be so much fun. I get to be the bad guy.” The System looked up briefly, giving the being the stink eye, before planting his face firmly against the desk once more.
“I never should have let you get out of The Beyond.”