Side Chapter

Vivi sat in the lobby of the brothel, checked the empty pouch he planned on putting his pay into, and reflected that it had been way too long.

End side chapter.

Chapter 7

Ben exited the office of Breah the [Sage] feeling less real. He walked down the hallway in a daze, holding the bag full of golden experience coins that she’d been able to extract from his broken system. Painfully extract. He couldn’t stop thinking about the resigned expression on her face when she informed him that fixing him was going to be the work of weeks, possibly months. Ben had a job before, he knew the look, he’d given the look.

“Fuck this is going to be hard,” he said aloud, and he imagined the exhausted Breah had her face down against her desk saying the exact same thing. He knew she was going to keep working at the problem until it was solved, and for that, she had his respect, and he felt like a complete piece of shit for how he’d been thinking about her initially. Note to self, get Breah a nice thank you gift.

He nodded to himself, and then had to stagger against a wall to keep from falling over. The bag of experience coins jangled in an exaggeratedly pleasant way. According to Breah, this kind of Experience, capital ‘E, was something The System had created, and it was basically the pinnacle engineering achievement of magic, technology, and all other systems of advancement. It was the ultimate substance and could be combined with anything to advance it into a better state.

How did it work? Breah had explained the theory behind it, something about Feedback, Access, and Organization, but she’d been doing dentist talk while Ben was gritting his teeth and trying not to yell in pain, so it hadn’t really stuck. Normally, people who hit their level cap opted to purchase a specialized device that directly condensed their earned experience into coins to avoid the pain of the manual extraction process.

Ben took a sip of a vibrant orange, Tang colored drink, which Breah had insisted was a stamina potion. The flavor was thin and bitter, lacking even the smallest hint of sweetness, tasting exactly like the medicine it was. Then, he popped a small purple pill for mental clarity, and washed it down with the rest of his stamina potion. Ben leaned against the wall for a little while, just breathing as he let the alchemical concoctions course through him and do their work. He’d asked about getting some Ibuprofen or Tylenol, but Breah had shook her head and told him those were hard to come by.

PSSST BEN

Ben winced at the sudden shouted whisper in his mind.

PSSST BEN, IT’S SHORT BUS. I’M COMMUNICATING WITH YOU TELEPATHICALLY, DIRECTLY INTO YOUR MAMILLIAN BRAIN.

Ben considered holding a psychic conversation with Short Bus, then on a hunch just turned his head to look down the hallway and saw the sharkman just standing there with his enormous, sharp toothed smile on display. “That’s bad man,” Ben said, walking over to him, “That’s like texting someone in the same room, just rude- you’re fucking with me aren’t you.”

NO WAY!

“That’s what I thought. Where is everyone?”

“Red is in a confessional booth-”

“I have got to see that,” Ben said, immediately clearing the next twenty or so minutes of his schedule so he could eavesdrop on Red.

“Ghost Ears is talking second in command shop talk with the hammer, Vivi’s whoring himself out as a breeding stud-”

“Excuse me what the fuck?” Ben said, stumbling in his walk.

“Viv’s a hot piece of slug ass Ben, all the ladies want him. Huh, I thought you already knew that.” Before Ben could answer, he heard Short Bus making obvious mind reading noises, telepathically, “Nope, you didn’t know shit about Vivi when you recruited him. He’s some kind of Aeon Slug nobility, got a bunch of important family members, that sort of thing.”

“Well that’s fucking stupid,” Ben responded, “what about you, are you secret royalty of some kind?”

“I am the king of the ocean,” Short Bus said seriously.

“Tell that to the Orcas,” Ben snapped back, “Ok, so Vivi’s out. . . ugh. What about the teen squad? Anna and Thirty One and. . . uh. . .”

“Dryst?”

“Yeah, that guy. What about them?”

“They all went home to report back to their families. What’s the plan Ben? What are we doing to get ready for the trial in a few days?”

“I don’t fucking know,” Ben said without venom, “build a nuke? Apparently that’s how the legal system works here, it’s all like, ‘This man murdered my entire family!’ and then the judge says ‘What is your defense?’ and he’s all like, ‘I have a bomb and I will kill everyone in this courtroom!’ and the judge is like, ‘Well, can’t argue with that, Innocent! Court Adjourned, kill each other outside if you please.’ So I’ve got no idea how to prepare. We need Vivi, do you know where he is-” Ben stopped, thought about it, then continued speaking. “Never mind, we’ll wait for him to come back on his own. I don’t need to know where he is, or accidentally see what he’s doing.”

“He’s fucking Aeon-”

“Thank you Short Bus!” Ben cut him off.

“I mean, there were all kinds of crazy sea slugs back on Earth, and they were constantly-”

“Stop.”

“I’m just saying it’s natural-”

“Stop it.”

“He just rearranging their interior decorating-”

“We’re done,” Ben said, and then performed a [Kenetic Leap] to escape from the oversharing shark. Ben landed against the far wall of the hallway, then kicked off of that to the next corner, then once more to make it back to the main church area. Someone shouted at him not to jump around like that, then groaned as a bunch of other Leap-rechauns started performing dizzying and rapid [Kenetic Leaps] all throughout the building. ‘Great!’ the unnamed stranger shouted, ‘Now they’re going to be doing that for hours, thanks asshole!’

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Ben would have complained, but he had already been overcome by the strong desire to leap around in a gigantic Leap-rechaun swarm, feeling his mind blank out from the sheer dizzying joy of it. He couldn’t have said how long that lasted, only that it ended when someone caught him with a gigantic net and splashed him with a bucket of cold water. He came to and saw a bunch of other Leap-rechaun humans all sopping wet with the same blissed out expression he no doubt had on his face.

Short Bus was watching him from a conspicuous and highly visible corner of the room, leaning against the wall and attempting to, and completely failing at, smoking a gigantic neon orange cigarette. He none the less had a very serious vibe about him, and Ben felt his swarm based elation fade as he approached the somber manshark.

“We’re in a bit of trouble, aren’t we Ben?” Short Bus asked, still attempting to find a way to get a cigarette shaped object to work with his gigantic, angular mouth. Ben took a breath, something between a sigh and stress, shaking his head a little.

“Yeah, that’s one way to put it.”

“What do you want to do about it?” he asked, finally giving up on the cigar sized smoke and then offering it to Ben, “It’s a stamina potion. Apparently adventurers prefer smoke based potions, someone offered it to me for a laugh.” Ben took it, shrugged, and let Short Bus reach down to light it.

“This tastes like orange sherbet and burnt tire,” Ben commented, but continued to smoke it, feeling the alchemic concoction rushing through his body and washing all sense of physical and mental fatigue away. “I always thought actual cigarettes should feel like this,” Ben said, making a disgusted face and then putting the partially burned stogie in his Utility Pocket. “Buddy, you’re in my head right now, you know I’ve got jack shit for a plan here.”

“Right now you’ve got jack shit,” Short Bus commented, a little bit of his goofy mask falling away. “But you’ll think of something. You’re better prepared for this world than I ever was, and that’s a fact.”

“No way,” Ben said, making a face and shoving Short Bus, “you’re a killer. You were born for a place like this. I’m just a guy who read way too many Sci-Fi books. Like, fuck, that turned out to be a total waste of time. This is reality, not some. . .” Ben shook his head, feeling like his brain was trying to do a backflip. “All I can think of are impossible solutions, stuff that isn’t even real. I always had this problem back on Earth, I was always coming up with fantasy solutions to real world problems.”

“Oh yeah?” Short Bus said, eying Ben critically.

“Oh yeah,” Ben said, “like right now, this whole situation, three days to prepare for a trial? That’s impossible, and all my brain can think to offer up is that everything would be easier if I were in a time loop, right?” Ben said, gesticulating wildly with his wishing hand, “Like who can figure this sort of thing out in one go?”

“Oooohhh!” Short Bus said, his black eyes as wide as they would go, watching Ben’s wishing hand as he casually waved it around like it was worthless.

“Exactly, what a useless solution to my problem,” Ben sulked, “If I were a responsible adult, I’d be able to be like ‘Hm, let’s make allies with that dwarven hammer lady and form a legal coalition against the corrupt forces of Solas,’ but I don’t know how to do that. All I know how to do is be like, ‘Fuck it would be great if I could just loop this situation a few times and figure out what was going on.”

“Ben that would be great,” Short Bus said, completely mesmerized by Ben’s wishing hand and the ring.

“Right? Like- what are you staring at?” Ben said, suddenly catching on and then looking at his own hand. His eyes went round, and then he looked at Short Bus, who had the same expression on his face. “Oooohh!” Ben said, pointing at his hand.

“OOOHHH!” Short Bus said, pointing at the hand as well, the two of them managing to scrape up enough brain cells to pass the intelligence check.

“Oh, ok, ok, right,” Ben said, suddenly hyperventilating, his brain flooded with dopamine, “I’ve got a wish, and I can wish for anything, and it’s a legit wish so it’s all good.”

“Ben!” Short Bus shouted, “don’t just shout your wish,” he continued in a softer voice, “I’m reading your mind and there’s a part of you that’s really good at making wishes because you watched Aladdin about a thousand times as a kid. Listen to that part of your brain!”

“Right, don’t want to ‘Jafar’ myself here,” Ben said, “what a waste, just wishing to be Sultan. Like who was going to listen to him anyways? Ok,” he said, taking a deep breath, “just let me think for a second.” Ben stopped talking and Short Bus stared at him with an eager expression on his face.

“Oh yeah,” Short Bus said, “that’s it, yeah, that’s it!”

“Ok, I’m ready!” Ben held out his wishing hand dramatically, then whispered, “I wish I had the ability to form time loops that was best suited to me.” There was a distant rumble and a light went out on Ben’s ring. At the same time, a tiny pure white halo appeared over his hand.

[System Wish Assistant activated via Ring of Sacrifice]

[Optimizing wish]

[. . .]

[Ben’s Pocketwatch of Time Loop: This item can only be utilized by [Prince] Ben. This item is fueled by Holy Energy and Experience. This item is Soul Bound to [Prince] Ben. Upon the true death of [Prince] Ben, this item will be destroyed.]

[When this item is used, the user is placed in a localized time loop of limited scope, the duration and size of which are determined at time of use. Upon the death of the user, or the end of the duration of the time loop, the user will be transported back to their origin point. At such time, the user may choose to reset the time loop, but must provide the holy energy and experience required to do so. Holy Energy does not regenerate while in a time loop. Experience gained inside a time loop is lost upon each reset.]

[To create this artifact, the following items will be consumed from your inventory.]

[One drop of blood from the Purebeast]

[Boss Chamber Lock Mechanism]

[The Crown of Bezzelus, the Citadel Lord of the Hive of Horrors]

[Would you like to create this item?]

“Yes,” Ben breathed, and then nothing happened. Ben blinked several times, before realizing he needed to pull the items out of his Utility Pocket. “God the security on this thing is good,” Ben said, then carefully pulled a single drop of blood out of Betsy, feeling sad as he did so, along with the golden skull lock he’d gotten from Vivi’s dungeon, and the crown he’d looted from the Citadel of Horrors.

The wish, which had vanished off of Ben’s ring, reappeared in the air in front of him, where the three items orbited around it. Silently and without ceremony, they merged together, melting into pure essence. Then, much to Ben’s chagrin, most of his experience coins he’d received from Breah were lifted from the sack on his belt and merged into the formless mass of light. It flashed softly, then solidified into a golden pocket watch with a very long chain. It floated to Ben and attached itself to him, tucking itself away into his pocket.

Ben’s heart was hammering in his chest, and Short Bus was practically bouncing on his feet as he covertly repositioned himself to block Ben from sight of the rest of the church goers, who for their part were oblivious to what had just happened. Without a word, Ben pulled the artifact out of his pocket and opened it up. Before he could glance at the mechanisms inside it, a small folded paper note fell out, and Ben dexterously caught it before it hit the ground. He opened it without a word.

‘Don’t waste your life in a loop. – Ben’

“Message from the future, or an alternate dimension?” Ben softly asked himself, his brain having finally shifted away from pure Earth logic and into the realm where timeloops were a perfectly valid solution to his problems. “I’ll keep it in mind, other Ben,” he said, then looked at his watch. The interior belied a simplicity of design that Ben could appreciate. There were several dials which controlled the duration of his loop, anywhere from hours to weeks. Additionally, there was a dial which controlled the size of his loop, which Ben took to mean how much geographic area his loop would encompass. Then, at the very bottom, was a readout that told him how many loops the watch could support with the current settings and power. Right now, it read zero, but Ben saw the obvious coin slot in the center of the watch face and put one of his few remaining experience coins in, like an old arcade machine.

He adjusted the duration to four days, set the loop size to ‘medium’ and was pleased to see the readout change to three, as in, it could support three loops. Without ceremony or regret, Ben put the rest of his coins into the watch, which brought his number of attempts up to a comfortable twenty.

“Ready?” Ben asked, and Short Bus nodded his head vigorously. “Ok, we’ve got a few shots at this, so let’s,” he said, then pressed the button at the top.

[You have entered a time loop of limited scope and duration]

[The Capitol Crystal of Solas has detected your time loop]

[Assessing threat to city. . . threat not significant.]

[The Capitol Crystal of Solas has amplified the size of your time loop to extremely large, which will now encompass the entire city. The Capitol Crystal of Solas would like to inform you that your previous loop size of ‘Medium’ would not have even reached the legal district, and thus been a colossal waste of your precious time and resources.]

[Please enjoy your time loop, and note that all critical infrastructure has the ability to detect Chronomancy, and responds to time magic with lethal force.]

“go,” Ben finished, the notifications flashing before his eyes in an instant.

“Did it work?” Short Bus said, then he kept talking, “oh shit, it worked! Did you see those notifications? You totally messed up the size of the loop, good thing the capitol crystal bailed us out! Thanks capitol crystal!” Short Bus shouted, prompting Ben to try and shut him up.

“Stop attracting attention!”

“No Consequences!” Short Bus yelled, then visibly restrained himself from going on a murder spree.

“We aren’t going all Grand Theft Auto here Short Bus, we’re trying to figure out how to weasel our way out of this whole trial bullshit. First things first, we try just doing nothing.”

“Oh, that’s bold,” Short Bus said, eyebrows high, “why?”

“Think about it, in all these movies and books and stories and stuff, the hero and the bad guy always end up making the thing they were trying to avoid happen, by trying to avoid it. I bet that if we just sit around and do nothing? This whole thing blows over.”

“Makes sense to me!” Short Bus said, then immediately and visibly relaxed. “Let’s eat!”

--

Three days later, Ben and his party were upside down, crucified, and being screamed at by Solas [City Officials].

“Where is the Purebeast!” the Sunlet screamed, whipping Vivi again.

“You said you had a plan!” Ghost Ears yelled, trying to slip his restraints so he could murder Ben.

“This was the plan! My faith in Ben will never waver!” Red declared confidently, and then was promptly beheaded.

“Uh oh,” Short Bus said, watching everything with wide eyes. The entire party felt the beheading as a sense of doom that fell over them, like they were now dead men walking.

“He’s got it in his Utility Pocket!” Vivi screamed, selling Ben out, “Revive her quickly or we’ll all die!” Vivi was then harpooned by the [City Official].

“Uh-oh,” Short Bus said, looking at Ben meaningfully as Ghost Ears got smashed by a hammer.

“UH-OH! I don’t think that was a good plan Ben,” were Short Bus’s last words before he was stabbed through the heart and went limp.

“Open your Utility Pocket now!” screamed the [City Official], and Ben refused. “Fine, we’ll see if we can open it from your corpse!” Moments later, Ben was executed. Then, as if waking up from a dream, he was back in the past, looking at Short Bus’s excited eyes.

“Uh oh,” Short Bus said, “Ben, I’m reading your mind and that plan didn’t work at all. Now what?”

“We fight the guards!”