Chapter 12

Ben stood stark naked with a janky crown made from twigs, moss, and a slightly shiny pebble proudly on his head. His stance was wide, his wings were bright pink and purple, and his bare ass was a little cold. He had his knuckles pressed against his hips, his elbows a near perfect ninety degrees. He stood just slightly leaned back, looking into the large circular tunnel that had been chewed through the dense, broccoli-like foliage that helped form the insulating layer between the forest and the sky.

It was, in many ways, easy to compare the top layer of this weird, magical forest to the ground. It was, Ben thought, a bit like the top layer of a deep underground cavern, in that it was just as easy to dig in and build a burrow into the ceiling as it was the floor.

The glowing Broccoli tree's portion of the ceiling was particularly dense, a solid mass, much like the top of the Broccoli vegetable. Really, it was solid, and thus the perfect place to burrow into and make a home.

The tunnel Ben was looking at was much larger than he was, and lined all around with some sort of silky web. It didn't look like a spider's web, it was thick, white, and shiny like when certain kinds of adhesives are pulled apart and form those really dense filaments before snapping into thin little hairs.

It was layered in a clockwise spiral all the way around the tunnel, which turned a sharp ninety degrees to the right out of view after it went in a foot or two. Ben measured the distance again with his eyes and then made a disgusted noise.

He honestly had no idea how to accurately eyeball exact sizes anymore. His proportions were all wrong, and he mourned the fact that he didn't have a ruler to figure out his exact dimensions.

It was common practice among masters in the construction business to get the exact measurements of their hands memorized, as it gave them a reliable metric to measure against that was always on hand, pardon the pun.

Ben was not a master in construction, he was just a construction laborer for the city. He had measured his hands though, after hearing about that particular rumor. It was probably a completely made up rumor, but it sounded cool, so Ben had just gone with it.

He knew his own hands very well, and he was pissed to see that their proportions had changed slightly. Really, his whole body was just a little off, and it was bothering him like an off tilt painting in the hallway of a friend's house.

“Stalling, stalling, stalling,” Ben said quietly to himself, tapping his foot on the branch he was standing on. If there was a giant spider in that little lair, Ben was going to freak the fuck out, nope the fuck out, and snap his crown in half. He already didn't like the fuckers when they were 1/1,000,000th of his size. 3x(ben's size) was a bad fucking equation, and he didn't want to play games with a spider that looked like it was the size of a fucking hummer.

“Ok,” he said, taking a deep breath, “I can lure it out.”

Ben rose from the branch and carefully positioned himself so he was out of jumping range, or so he hoped. At a minimum, the spider would have to take a second or two to get into position, and Ben could use that time to run away.

“Just gotta tweak the web a bit, I'm perfectly safe” he claimed, and then opened a utility pocket and shot a couple of pebbles into the lair's open mouth.

Ben's whole body was tense, his eyes tracked the quick rocks, a quick right to left movement, and watched as they impacted against the weird looking webbing.

The web turned to slime. Like, how a banana looks soft and dry until something gouges it, and then it’s just slimy. That’s what happened when the rocks hit, and they slid forward, then slid out, falling through the air to the ground, leaving a perfect record of their path behind them in the tunnel.

The path the rocks took was shiny and smooth and seemed to have the consistency of rubber, which made the banana analogy above only about forty percent accurate. Ben waited, but nothing emerged. He knew something was inside there, but he didn't know what. He sniffed, scrunching his nose.

“Welp,” he said, then floated towards the mouth of the tunnel. He ran a hand across the not-web, and marveled at how it instantly collapsed at the slightest pressure and formed a super slick layer in its wake. It was like, industrially smooth, the kind of thing that needed to be engineered in a lab. Weirdly enough, it left no residue on his hand when he touched it. It basically formed a thick, tough, super smooth layer, and functioned the exact opposite as spider web, in that it would prevent anything from getting in, rather than preventing anything from getting out.

Ben looked around, his eyebrows raised. To the right, nothing but branches and trees. To the left, the same as the right.

“Can I steal this?” Ben asked aloud, then formed a utility pocket to find out the answer. He could not steal the already collapsed portions of the weird substance, it was bonded to the tree and he couldn’t get an edge under it, but he could steal the web looking stuff just fine. It was a pain, and it required both concentration and finesse. He had to almost grab the substance strand by strand, gently breaking the thread with a very, very light suction effect, and then catching it as it fell.

In the beginning, he failed more than he succeeded, and he was sure this was a colossal waste of time, but he had nothing, and this was something. He pursued the human passion of procrastinating away an unpleasant task and did his species proud.

As time went on, either Ben or the utility pocket became more and more skilled at the task.

By the time two hours had passed, Ben had reached the point of being very good at removing the weird slime without rendering it useless. He began working his way in the tunnel, stripping the walls bare as he did so.

“I love this utility pouch,” Ben said, then stopped his rampant thievery as he got close to the bend in the tunnel.

Better go meet the neighbor, Ben thought, and carefully floated up and through.

The tunnel continued on for a little while after that, then turned again, leading higher, then repeated the pattern one more time.

Ben emerged into a large, circular chamber which lacked the slime-web that lined the entrance. Two more tunnels went off from it, and they too were free of the slime-web. Music started playing, like something he would have heard while playing an old Nintendo game. Words echoed in his mind as soon as the music started.

[Plus Player Announcement!]

[You have entered The Lair of the Aeon Slug.]

[This is a Lair type dungeon.]

[One Time Plus-Player Tooltip: Lair type dungeons differ from Core type dungeons in that, they are the lair of a powerful creature, rather than the creation of a dungeon core. Unlike a core dungeon, the law of Proportional Risk for Proportional Reward does not apply. A lair does not regenerate monsters, nor does it regenerate rewards, and can only be raided once. This is literally the home of a powerful creature.]

[Be advised, this dungeon contains a Reliquary]

[One Time Plus-Player Tooltip: Reliquary's differ from standard treasure rooms in that they typically contain one unique item which exists outside the class and level system. They are never unguarded, regardless of appearances. The usefulness of the items will vary, but each one is, no doubt about it, a genuine Relic.]

Well. That was something, all right. Ben had been expecting a giant spider, but he was in a video game style world, so he probably should have expected this instead.

Mentally, Ben changed hats, sitting down and examining the area closely. He'd played video games before, he knew what to expect, but he couldn't ever have claimed to be good at video games. Ben liked to think he could have been good at video games, if he'd applied himself, but never had the heart to put forth the effort into something so pointless.

Instead, he'd studied road maintenance and the MUTCD, the Manual of Uniform Traffic Control Devices, to get a promotion at work.

Ben rolled his eyes, shows what he knew about what he should have been studying.

No doubt about it, this place really was a dungeon. Little bright green orbs of light were set to either side of the tunnels leading out of the main room, and Ben got the distinct feeling there were monsters laying in wait for him no matter which way he went.

“I need to get my head on straight,” Ben said, feeling whatever weird compulsions that had overtaken him completely recede as the adrenaline kicked in, making his mind lucid.

The urge, the need to close his eyes and drift off for just a second seemed to scream at him in his more sober state, so he crossed his legs and shut his eyes, doing his best to let himself drift off, even for a second.

[System Update]

[You have destroyed a high-grade town crystal. You have been issued the reward of one perk lottery ticket! Redeem this ticket during any System Update!]

[You have run from a battle you started! You have gained the passive skill [Tactical Withdrawal]

[You have gained the class: Prince!]

[You have advanced to Level 1!]

[Skills Gained]

[Royal Restrictions]

[Crown Craft]

[Short Sword Proficiency: Basic]

[Annex]

[You have advanced to Level 2!]

[Skills Gained]

[Secret Sense]

[Royal Looter]

Ben opened his eyes, then looked around, to make sure nothing had come to get him. He got the oddest feeling that there were rules in these dungeons, and that the entry room was safe.

He shut his eyes again, eager to redeem his reward for destroying the town crystal.

[System Update!]

[You are redeeming x1 Perk Lottery Ticket!]

[You will be given between one and three choices]

[Rolling. . . 3!]

[Rolling for number of perks revealed. . . 1. Ring of Sacrifice bonus activated. . . 3]

[You have three perks to choose from, and none of them are hidden. Please note that you must choose a perk.]

[Jaw Dropper]

[This is a common, body perk]

[Allows you to open your mouth exceptionally wide. Disgust your friends and enemies alike! Warning, does not allow your throat to open exceptionally wide.]

[Key Key-per]

[This is a rare, dungeon perk]

[When using a small key, there's a chance it won't break! Hope you like being the most popular guy in any party!]

[Mind Horror]

[This is an uncommon, mind perk]

[A mind horror haunts you, and occasionally, haunts your enemies too. Don't worry, it's not really chewing on your brain, it's just making you think it is.]

Ben chose [Key Key-per], and mentally resolved to learn more about the perk lottery system. He shuddered to think of what would happen if he landed on three options like [Mind Horror].

He opened his eyes and began stretching his body, talking quietly to himself.

“Small keys, hope it's a good one. Really my only choice, considering the other two options. [Mind Horror], what the fuck, System? That's going in my angry letter for sure.”

He reached down and touched his toes, then started stretching his thighs and groin.

“Don't even know why I'm stretching my legs, I can fly,” Ben said, still stretching his legs, “just habit. Who was it that told me habit was the most powerful force in the universe? Can't remember,” Ben said, stretching his core by twisting and leaning his body around in various ways, “but it sounds smart. Not true, I'm pretty sure the most powerful force in the universe is magnetism. Hell, according to that crazy guy on youtube, magnetism is the only force in the universe,” Ben started rolling his arms, then stretching his biceps and triceps, forearms and fingers, “pretty sure that guy had autism, he was like. . . obsessed with magnets. Smart dude,” Ben said, rolling his neck, then stretching his facial muscles, probably just to stall for a few extra seconds.

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“I'm not a smart dude,” Ben said, jogging in place and shaking his body out, “I'm just a guy who likes to read fantasy books and digs holes for a living. I'm pretty sure my utility pocket is smarter than I am.”

Ben had a light layer of perspiration on him when he was finished, and he started to breathe, taking deep breaths, oxygenating his blood as best he could.

“Still,” he said, “I'm going to clear this dungeon, steal everything that can physically be stolen, find some clothes, and then move on to the next squatter and kick them out too.”

Ben knew he was the invader here, but it was more fun to think of himself as someone reclaiming something that was already his. Normally, that sort of lie was difficult to sustain, but with a crown on his head, it stopped being a lie and became a royal truth. So much of human history suddenly made sense.

“I really have lost my frickin mind,” Ben said, a big smile on his face, not bothering to mourn the loss of his sanity.

“Besides, when was the last time anyone met a sane royal? Left or right, enough screwing around,” Ben said, looking at his two options. Now that he was sure this wasn't the den of a giant trap-door spider, he found himself able to think things like 'Retreat isn't an option, the only way out is through,' and 'I'll either clear this dungeon, or die trying.'

Left or right. A thick, clearly magical darkness obscured the path either way.

“Wish-” Ben stopped himself, feeling a well founded and deep-set paranoia about wishing for things after the things he'd learned talking with The System,

“Golly, I really want a cigarette right now,” Ben continued, feeling really lame.

“Don't be a pussy, come on, Ben,” Ben said to himself, then started moving towards the leftward way out.

The darkness persisted like a curtain until Ben pressed through it, which was entirely without sensation, and he continued down a short corridor that exited into another spherical room with a flat floor.

It had the look of a scene, like something that had been laid out specifically to be seen. There were two lit fires coming from two waist high square pillars set apart from each other in the center of the room. The fire was bright green. Resting against the pillars were two skeletons, dressed in rusty armor, with fossilized fairy wings on their backs. One had a rusty sword, and the other had a spear. The way forward was another tunnel across from the one Ben was in.

The moment he stepped into the room, bright white fog covered the exits, and at the same time, the green fire rushed into the two skeletons. They rose silently, in their eye sockets, tiny little green flames danced with malevolence. The one with the sword started to crouch low, walking towards Ben, and the one with the spear jumped into the air and then flew at him, spear forward.

“Uh, shit!” Ben said, quickly blasting the spear-skeleton away with air through a utility pocket and keeping his back against the outer wall, circling away from the one with the sword.

The spear wielding skeleton flew backwards and hit the wall with the sound of snapping bone, but got back up and started running at Ben. The one with the sword abandoned caution and started running as well.

Ben yelled in fear, opened a utility pocket on his palm, and began to shoot rocks at the skeletons, aiming for their heads. He felt it in his mana-pool, because he was pushing the utility pocket to blast out rocks as hard as he'd ever blasted out anything before.

The skeletons, who had once been fairies, were not particularly sturdy, and the barrage snapped them to pieces. The bones, no longer animated, fell into a pile of delicate white splinters, and the green fire returned to its resting place.

Ben was breathing hard, his heart pounding. He peeked out from behind his hand, eyes wide and movements jerky like a bird. The white fog lifted from the exits, and a silver key appeared between the two green-fire pillars.

“I won?” Ben asked, then lowered his arm, the utility pocket still attached to his palm. He made a second one on his other hand, because that was honestly the best weapon he had right now, and walked towards the destroyed monsters.

Ben kicked the pile of bones and ruined armor, then picked up the very rusty short sword. He felt knowledge from [Short Sword Proficiency: Basic], and knew the sword was completely useless. It was one fight away from snapping in any number of places, and dull besides.

Ben opened a utility pocket and scooped up all the bone fragments, the useless armor, spear, and sword. He was pleased to find that at his new size, and because of him being [Magical], he would have to work for a long time to reach the limit of how much he could hold in the utility pocket.

Ben headed between the two green flames and picked up the small, silver key. It shone with a mirror finish, and had the design of a very detailed eye on its handle. With a shrug, Ben stowed that away in the utility pocket as well. The green, bright fires to his left and right caught the attention of his avarice, and he got close to see if there was anything he could do about them.

Tiny, shiny, clear green pieces of glass were at the bottom of the fire. Ben opened a utility pocket under them, and they dropped right in, and the green fire vanished. He repeated the process with the other flame pillar, and that fire vanished too.

Ben then opened a small utility pocket in front of him, and dropped a single one of the glass beads on the ground in front of him. It was not on fire, nor was it even warm to the touch. Ben put a pile of them back where he had taken them from, but they did not re-ignite.

“I'm not sad,” Ben said, then swapped the shitty pebble on his crown out with the shiniest and most impressive of the glass 'gems' he'd just looted. [Crown Craft] truly was magic, because there was no way it should have been as easy as it had been.

Oddly enough, Ben actually felt a noticeable difference in his power the moment his crown had been upgraded.

“That's cool, crowns are awesome,” he said, a small smile on his face. He took a few moments to start sorting out the pile of bone fragments mentally, the same way he'd once sorted out a pile of sand. It was much easier this time around, and when he was done, he had a pile of whole bones, a pile of useless metal armor, and a bunch of sharp fragments he could blast out like shrapnel.

Respect the utility pocket, Ben thought to himself, wondering again if the thing was intelligent, and if there was anything nice he could do for it, because right now, it was his only friend in the world.

“Dammit, Short Bus,” Ben said, feeling miserable for just a moment before pushing the feelings away.

He continued forward, pushing through the magical darkness and floating his way through the next corridor, one of his arms already extended and ready to kill everything on sight.

The next room, however, had no enemies. What it had instead were three levers, two exits, and some pictures on the walls. Cautiously, Ben passed through the threshold, and immediately, all the exits fogged over once again.

At the top of the room, a bright ball of orange energy appeared, with a simple, evil, laughing face; like it was drawn out of jagged bolts of lightning. It gave a little scream, like steam from a kettle, and started to move. Ben felt a jolt of adrenaline spike in his blood, and he prepared for battle.

-

“Whap!” Ben said, trying again, unsuccessfully, to catch the highly amusing monster ball of energy. It followed a predictable, clockwise pattern, and seemed bound to roll along surfaces, rather than floating about in the air.

“Wwwwwwwhap!” Ben sounded out, opening another utility pocket in the path of the creature, and watched as it passed through the black portal with purple tentacle edges. Ben had really, really wanted to be able to throw the monster at other monsters, but, alas, the utility pouch seemed to be unable to store pure energy.

“Idea,” Ben said, taking a few moments to get out of the monster's highly predictable path, then opened two linked utility pockets; one which the monster would collide with, and one which was floating in space in the middle of the room.

“Shcwink!” Ben said, and this time, the monster was taken in by the utility pouch and deposited in the open air.

Its evil little face twisted to an expression of panic, then the monster collapsed in on itself, and a hard yellow gemstone fell towards the ground; it never hit, Ben went 'Shcwink!', and deftly caught the gem with a portal, which did conserve momentum, and spent a couple of seconds juggling it around with portals.

“Haha!” Ben said, looking like a complete idiot, opening and closing linked utility portals at angles and playing a very hectic game of 'juggle the monster rock'.

He only stopped when he felt his mana pool begin to burn, much like a muscle would when it was being exerted too hard.

Ben had been running, sometimes floating, around the room hard and fast, playing his stupid little game. He would, if anyone had bothered to make fun of him for what he'd just done, point out that his life was extremely stressful, and that he'd like to challenge anyone else to come up with a better and more positive way to blow of some steam, thank-you-very-much.

Ben held the little yellow gem in his palm, eyeing it, judging if it would be better than the green glass he had on his crown currently, then had a great idea.

He pulled out a backup crown, ripped the moss off, and then lined the twig with the green glass, before adding the single yellow gem so it would sit prominently on his forehead.

He put his new crown on, and, yes, he wasn't imagining it, he was even more powerful than he had been before. It wasn't something he could measure, but it was something he could feel, in the same way he could feel his skills and his level.

“I'm so glad I don't have a mirror,” Ben said aloud, then blinked a couple of times and remembered he was in a dungeon, and that this room was supposed to have a puzzle in it.

Three levers, one door out, and pictures on the wall. Ben glanced at the pictures, and was able to determine in about five seconds what he already knew; he was terrible at puzzles.

Ben pulled the middle lever, and nothing happened. He put the middle one back, then pulled the right hand one; nothing. Ben started going through the 'try every possible combination' technique that had served lazy gamers well since the invention of the puzzle.

The solution had been to pull the middle lever, then the left lever, then reset the middle, then pull the right, then pull the middle.

Or something like that. The moment Ben realized there would be no punishment for getting the lever combo wrong, he'd spaced out and just started trying things at complete random.

“I'm really good at adventuring,” Ben commented to himself, watching the path forward open. He secured his crown, stretched a little more, then started trying to see if there was a way to steal the levers.

There might have been, if he'd had more tools; note to self, fill the utility pouch with a full toolset. There was nothing else in the room, so far this dungeon had been surprisingly spartan with its decoration. The pictures on the wall which explained in a really esoteric way how to open the door, were painted on. Ben floated up and started scraping the paint, catching the flakes with the pouch.

It was shocking to him how easy it was to procrastinate by stealing things. He'd never stolen anything in his old life, with the exception of a single bazooka-bubble gum piece from a gas station on a road trip. His dad had found out, of course, when he saw Ben chewing it. He'd turned the car around, made Ben apologize to the attendant, pay for his stolen goods, then spanked his ass hard when they'd gotten home.

“Stealing things is chicken noodle soup for the soul,” Ben said, nodding and agreeing with himself as he said it. Part of the reason he'd taken the utility pouch in the first place was its ability to allow him to pilfer anything and everything. He'd always appreciated doing that sort of thing in video games, and considered it a winner's mindset.

He was sad that he couldn't fill the pouch up with, say, fire and lightning, but he was still very happy with his choice. It had already saved his life many times over, and he'd barely scratched the surface of what it was capable of.

The System had been right when he'd covertly called it 'The Ultimate Tool'. 'It's not a weapon, or at least, that's not where it shines,' The System had said, sounding excited, 'I didn't design it to replace a sword, a shield and a suit of armor. I designed it to replace everything else, and it's a little bit of my pet project. The other Plus Perks were labors of love, but when they were done, they were done, you know? The pocket. . . I still tinker with it, adding new features, increasing its functionality. I'm a bit of a snob when it comes to private dimensions,' he'd said, then gestured to the pocket dimension he lived in, 'as you can probably tell.'

The fairy bones Ben was using to scrape paint off a wooden wall were dry and brittle, and though he reduced a good number of them to shrapnel, he got all the paint chips.

Ben examined the room, proud to see it completely empty. He mentally started concocting how to re-use the paint and make a better crown with it.

“God almighty, this [Prince] class is really affecting my mental state,” Ben said, then slapped himself a few times to try and dispel the obsession with a better crown.

Ben exited the lever room and floated through the next hallway, utility pouches affixed to his palms, eyes sharp and ready to see combat.

The next room did not disappoint him. A snail larger than he was rested in the center of the room, with its eye-stalks fully retracted, and a bunch of. . . crates? Yes, they were crates that looked to be made out of broccoli wood.

The crates were lined up in two rows of four against the wall to his right, and another cluster of eight were set to the wall to his left.

Predictably, the exit to the room was across from him, and the snail was between him and it. The tunnels sealed themselves, and the lights in the room dimmed, while the shell of the snail began to glow with green light.

Its fleshy foot extended out, and its long eye-stalks followed. Its eyes were just large black dots, like someone had injected a bit of ink in there, but Ben could tell they worked just fine.

It began to spit angry bubbles, frothing from what Ben assumed was its mouth, and the eye-stalks began to glow a bright green, before a ball of fire formed between them and shot at Ben.

He'd entered the room ready for a fight, and that meant he'd been ready to dodge. The fire burst against the wet, green wood with a sizzle, and another followed after it, then another, then another. Ben quickly circled the room, and the snail struggled to turn fast enough to keep facing him.

“Right,” Ben said, walking and keeping himself positioned behind the slow snail. The first thing he did was shoot a barrage of rocks at the shell, and they cracked against it in a promising way, but didn't deliver any real results. The angry bubbling intensified, and the snail began to turn faster, at what likely felt like a breakneck speed to it.

It still wasn't very fast, and Ben easily kept its back to him.

“Saltwater?” he mused, and opened a utility pocket above it and dumped some ocean water on the monster. The angry bubbling noise turned even angrier, and the salty water seemed to irritate it, but it also lubricated the floor a little and let it turn even faster. Now Ben had to keep up a brisk walk to keep behind the shelled monstrosity.

“Shelled monstrosity,” Ben said, chiding himself, “that's really an over-exaggeration.”

He had a bit of salt, collected when he'd been sifting through sand with his utility pocket, but he didn't really want to use it, mostly because he wanted to use it for his food.

“[Whap],” Ben said, pretending it was a real skill, and stole a crate from across the room. “I cast [Shcwink]!” Ben said, then launched it at the snail, expending a real chunk of mana to give the heavy crate some extra oomph.

It smashed against the snail's shell and broke to pieces, but visibly cracked the protective armor. It also scattered a couple of small, really standard looking white crystals on the ground.

“Oh,” Ben said, the corners of his lips down-turned, eye brows raised and slightly together, eyes wide open and head nodding, “Ok, that works,” he said, then shot crates at the snail till it stopped moving, six in total.

Then, Ben stowed the remaining ten crates away in his utility pocket and went to examine the damage.

The snail was dead, no question about that. Several of the small white crystals were on the ground, and the moment Ben's finger touched one, it vanished, and he felt a system prompt appear in his mind, one which he would be able to review when he took his next rest. The crystals had a little symbol on them, and they looked like money. Ben picked them all up.

Then he picked up all the wood fragments, and while he was clearing the debris, he saw a little paper heart floating on the ground, resting on its point. When Ben touched it, it vanished, and he felt his body heal a little bit.

“That's just. . . sure, I'll just take that,” he said, and continued his looting.

Then, for good measure, he stowed the snail's corpse away too.

“This dungeon is easy,” Ben said, a confident, smug smile on his face. He entered the tunnel to go to the next room, enjoying the constant, looping music that had been playing.

The next room was dark until Ben stepped foot into it, and when the lights came on, the music changed, increasing in tempo and drama.

An armored, upright Hercules style beetle waited in the room. It was three time's Ben's size, and held a huge, steel ax. Its chitin was a solid, shiny black, and looked thick like armor. It stood like a Minotaur, with a thick, solid body, and projected pure confidence.

The exits to the room sealed themselves, and the mini-boss attacked.