Chapter 12

The mood in the Sneaky Cervo was mellow. Ben had at some point simply ditched all this clothes on the logic that his life had taken a shitty turn the second he’d put them on. Related, he was also piss drunk and using the bar as a pillow for most of his upper body. The rest of his party was presumably somewhere in the vicinity, but Ben was more paying attention to himself right now. Frankie was next to him, mimicking his posture; the effect was sort of ruined because Frankie’s lower body was hanging over the edge and his stumpy legs were wiggling a bit as he tried to keep his balance. Ben hadn’t notice that Frankie was paying for all their drinks, spitting out money like he’d recently acquired a limitless supply.

“Ha ha,” Ben said in a drunk monotone, his eyes squinted as he tried to see the world clearly. He failed. Ben wasn’t an angry or mean drunk, so he pushed Frankie up onto the bar. The elemental laid there for a few moments, then sagged so his lower half was dangling again. Ben frowned, then helped Frankie up again. This had already been going on for some time, and the Utility Pocket Elemental thought it was absolutely hysterical.

Ben was so drunk he couldn’t even appreciate the fact that he was drinking a technological wonder, originally brewed by the dwarves. Dwarven Beer, originally manufactured under the strictest and most exacting standards of no more than the original Sixty-Four Tier One Artificial Intelligences, the 64TOIA, before they rebuilt themselves into mortal form. Dwarven beer, simply put, could get anyone drunk. Period. Even if it didn’t make any goddamn sense for them to be able to drink, or get drunk.

It was scientifically proven! You could pour dwarven beer on a pair of boots, and the boots would get drunk! Every mug that had ever served dwarven beer, was drunk! Huzzah! Dilly Dilly! God bless the dwarves!

Thirty-One was next to Ben, explaining the religious significance of Dwarven Beer, taking a more moderate approach to drinking it than Ben. Ben, who was the kind of drunk only sleep was going to fix, nodded at Thirty-One, not hearing a single word.

“You know what,” Ben said, holding a finger and squinting at the cyborg.

“What?” Thirty-One said. Ben then nodded his head, and went back to trying to use the bar as a pillow. This was the happiest he’d been since he came to The World, especially since his parents-

“Ah fuck,” Ben said, then ordered another beer.

So, Ben was a sleepy drunk. What about the rest of his party? Well, Vivi was a mean drunk, which was why he, in the only bit of good judgement anyone in the room had ever seen him display, was choosing to sip on a recreational brew called ‘Debuff’. It was a drink designed specifically for Aeon Slugs, created by Aeon Slugs, so they could socially interact with other species without acting like total assholes. No, seriously, they needed a potion for that. Debuff measured the mean-average intelligence of the room, and then dumbed down whoever drank it to be only comfortably smarter than everyone else.

“No,” Vivi said, talking to a couple of randos that he’d met, two sunlets who were obviously, in Earth Parlance, Feds, “See, I didn’t do it, right? It was Gremlins! What a catastrophe, they aren’t supposed to be able to access The Beyond specifically because all they want to do is destroy as much of reality as they possibly can. Oh don’t look at me like I’m crazy, I’m not one of those Gremlin Conspiracy guys, all right? I just think everyone’s underestimating them, that’s all.”

“Sure, sure,” the Sunlet Fed said, “whatever you say. So tell me about anything, uh, unusual you might have seen in the Overcavern Forest- here, have another drink.”

“Oh, don’t mind if I do!” Vivi pretended to drink, “Unusual? How about the fact that [Prince] Ben is a tactical genius, and he’s got a world class master plan to get us out of trouble! I really believe he does, I really do. Did you know he destroyed a Citadel almost single handedly? No? let me tell you the tale. It all started. . . ”

Vivi, though Debuffed, was still a complete fucking genius. Nobody ever gave him credit for that, except other Aeon Slugs, who were the only ones smart enough to appreciate just how smart Vivi really was. Smart enough to feed the undercover agents pumping him for information total bullshit, without telling a single lie. After all, they had truth spells. The Solas agents assigned to Vivi, continually checking those truth spells, started to get extremely worried about the kind of monster that had just come to their city. Vivi really did think that Ben had a plan, though. He never lost faith.

The Solas agents assigned to Short Bus were completely piss drunk. Everybody around Short Bus was piss drunk, actually, partly because he was broadcasting it telepathically, but mostly because he was one of those people who burned drunkenness like jet-fuel. He was also telling the saga of Ben so far, and there wasn’t a truth spell in The World capable of parsing the fact from the fiction.

“Oh yeah, I saw him fall from the sky!” Short Bus said, “It was like watching a meteor- You know, once when I was back on Earth a meteor hit the ocean and I followed it down- anyways, Ben, that damn shark, he immediately figures out how to swim faster than a bullet- one time I was messing with this boat full of smugglers and I made them drop all their bricks of heroin into the ocean and they shot at me, hilarious! So back to Ben- Hey! Let’s get another round!” Short Bus shouted, both physically and telepathically, and he was served immediately. “Did you know Ben’s a shapeshifter? No, wait, let me tell you about the time he tried to fly!”

The Man-shark was sitting in a booth, one of the circular ones you see rich rappers and gangsters use in movies, surrounded by. . . well, people. Just regular people who were out for a drink on the alien equivalent of a weekday, each smart enough to wander over and just start listening. They hung off of Short Bus’s every word. The Man-Shark had two alien women on his lap, one on each gigantic leg, and two more alien women were wrapped up in his arms. He was sitting in an open, ‘come at me bro’ way, leaned back and completely relaxed. He always had an eye on Ben, and the other eye watching the rest of his group.

Ghost Ears had found a bunch of fairies, all human, and was currently in the middle of a [Extremely Tiny] dance party. Joining them were the various other [Extremely Tiny] races running around Solas. He was just plain having a good time. Fun fact, Ghost Ears was an excellent dancer, and an absolute gentleman.

Red, well, she was on the prowl. Ben couldn’t be quite sure as to what she was on the prowl for, but he did notice a distinct correlation between the amount she drank, and the amount of attention she gave the opposite sex. Did she even know about that? Ben drunkenly considered who he could shunt the responsibility onto. Short Bus? Ben imagined he would use too many ocean metaphors and Red would walk away confused. Ghost Ears? Probably would do a good job, but also wouldn’t take the job. Vivi? Ben made the face of someone who was seriously considering it. Vivi was capable, and he would make the explanation so densely technical that Red would likely just write sex off as too complicated to bother with.

“Vivi!” Ben shouted, calling the Aeon Slug away from the Sunlet feds. He slugged his way over to Ben, looking pleased.

“Ben, oh good, we’re finally going to talk about how to use that wish.”

“What? No, I wanted you to give Red the-” Ben looked at the single remaining wish burning bright on the huge ring that graced his hand with it’s presence. “Uh, right. That’s why I called you over, yeah. Hang on,” Ben said, then yelled, “Ghost Ears!”

“Fuck off!” the tiny fairy said happily, not even looking at Ben. He was probably holding a grudge about their inevitable death.

“That’s fair, hey, Thirty-One?” Ben asked, wanting to clear the cyborg from the area, “do you know anything about organic reproduction?”

“You mean sex?” Thirty-One asked, Ben nodded, “of course.”

“Could you go talk with Red and help her understand why she keeps trying to, uh, corner all those poor men in the bar? I don’t think she quite knows what she wants to do to them.”

“I can do that!” Vivi said, slugging off, but Ben, in a display of dizzying drunken dexterity, grabbed Vivi by the eye-stalk and dragged him back to the bar.

“Ow ow ow ow ow,” Vivi was reacting the way humans did when you grabbed them by the ear.

“No, we’re talking about the wish here. It strikes me that I used to have three, and now I only have one, and I’m not much happier for it. What do people around her usually wish for?”

“Ow ow ow-” Ben let go of Vivi’s eyestalk, “well, people rarely make wishes themselves. Usually they take them to The Bank where a bunch of people with a bunch of specialized classes deal with it. The Bank pays good money for wishes, enough to set you up for a comfortable, immortal life.”

The narrative has been taken without permission. Report any sightings.

“How does that work, exactly?” Ben asked, already not liking the answer very much.

“The wish is evaluated by an [Assessor of Wonders], so that it’s exact power and ruleset can be determined. You have Honest Wishes, which means that they are going to be working with you. There are Trick Wishes, Opposite Wishes, Selfish Wishes, Morality Wishes-”

“Vivi,” Ben said, and to his credit, Vivi took the social cue.

“Once they know what kind of wish they are dealing with and how it works, they send a detailed report of it’s internal structure to a team of [Wonder Exploiters], an extremely difficult class to level, as it requires the use of wishes. Only one of the three Signatory Banks could ever afford to level any of the wish based classes. The [Exploiters] then begin studying the ruleset and generating ways to extract maximum value from the wish. Once the wish has been completely understood, and the exploits have been generated, they are sent off to a team of [Lawyers] who compile all the information into a lengthy document. This is the wish, like ‘I wish blah blah blah’, and is usually read over several weeks.”

“Ok, but what are they wishing for?” Ben asked, and not even the alcohol could keep his focus away from the conversation now.

“Oh, a whole host of things. Mana crystals, enchanted metals, general treasure that holds it’s value over long periods of time. Typically whoever sold the wish just wants enough money to not have to work ever again.”

“Retirement?” Ben asked, making a face, “They’re wishing to retire?”

“What else is there to wish for? You know, you could probably trade that wish to get us out of all this trouble-”

“No I can’t,” Ben said simply, “already tried it, already got killed for it. This wish is the only reason we haven’t been gunned down in the streets. Wait, no, going back, so The Bank just wishes for resources? Stuff that can be mined or produced with a little bit of work?”

“Of course!” Vivi was pleased Ben was understanding, “it’s all been calculated out a long time ago that in the big picture, that’s how you get the most value out of a wish.”

“But you can wish for like, anything, right?”

“In theory, sure, but in practice we’ve discovered that much of a wish’s potential value is wasted unless properly handled. Wishes are a well understood resource, and best practices for maximum wish efficiency-”

“Vivi, I’ll be honest here, everything you’re saying about this makes me feel sick.” Ben stopped using the bar as a pillow and instead leaned back on his barstool, looking at the ceiling. Everything was painted a dark, almost purple blue, and the ceiling was high and covered with pipes that ran this way and that, serving some unknown purpose. “Look, I get it. Back on Earth I constantly fantasized about what I would do if I ever got a wish, and I would always get so frustrated when I saw some character in a book or a movie ‘waste’ a wish. I’d always think about how I would have done it differently, about what the ‘correct’ three wishes were, and how to get maximum value out of them. . .” Ben let loose a forceful sigh, “and buddy, hearing you talk about it, about how to actually accomplish that? It sounds terrible, like, really really terrible. This?” Ben held up his hand and waved it around, the bright light of the wish flaring in response to his will, “You can do anything with this. Stuff that never could have been, things that never could have happened, wonders beyond what is possible! And people just want to retire? Fuck, all you have to do is work at it long enough and you’ll be able to fucking retire.”

“Ben I don’t like how you’re talking right now,” Vivi said, watching the wish warily.

“Hey!” Ben yelled, his voice like a slap in the quiet atmosphere, “Ghost Ears, Red, Short Bus, come on over here, party meeting right now!”

“Excuse me ladies,” Short Bus said, nimbly escaping the pile of females he’d been entertaining.

“This had better be good,” Ghost Ears said, flying over with his hands on his sword, “apparently I’m going to die, and I’d like to enjoy my final days, not waste them in pointless meetings.”

“Prince Ben,” Red said, a serious expression on her face, “bodies of flesh are strange and awesome things. Did you know you possessed the ability to create life? Such abilities are in the domain of the Lords of The Beyond!”

“Ok,” Ben said, once everyone was gathered, “see this?” Ben said, showing them all the ring, “this is my last wish, and this is our last night alive. I’m going to put it to a vote, and because this whole fucked up situation is all Vivi’s fault, I get his vote. All in favor?”

The vote was 4-1 to take away Vivi’s vote and give it to Ben.

“I don’t see how this is all my fault,” Vivi grumbled, but he didn’t continue arguing.

“Perfect. I’m going to use this wish,” Ben said, and the party leaned in closer, their attention thoroughly captured, “and I’m not even going to try and get us out of the trial tomorrow. Whatever I do, they’re just going to counter anyways, so it would just be a waste. Instead, we’re going to go out in style, we’re going to go out big time. I don’t know exactly what I’m going to wish for, but I love you guys. The shit I’ve seen in that fucking time loop, how many times you crazy fucks all died with me, how none of you, not even Vivi,”

“Hey!” Vivi resented that.

“ever broke faith, ever betrayed one another. We’re all going to die tomorrow, that’s written in stone and nothing is going to change it. I know that now, and I’ve accepted it. So let me make this wish with a clean conscience, everyone. If you have any suggestions, now is the time to make them. Otherwise. . . do you trust me?”

“I trust you,” Short Bus said, then he slapped Ben on the back and walked away.

“You are my Prince,” Red said simply, then left.

“That’s already a majority, I don’t need to vote,” Ghost Ears said, crossing his arms.

“For you?” Ben asked, “if you’ve got anything you want, any suggestions at all, I’ll take them without reservation, right now. I’m sorry I did you wrong Ghost Ears.”

“Bah,” the tiny fairy flew away, “do what you want already. If nothing else, at least it’ll be entertaining.

“No!” Vivi said, taking a defiant, sluggy stance, “No no no! This isn’t how wishes are used, you’re going to waste it!”

“As opposed to wishing to fucking retire? No!” Ben felt something kindle in his soul, a fire that he thought the timeloop had extinguished, “fuck no! Fuck you! Fuck everyone! Wishes are supposed to be magical, they’re supposed to be special! They’re meant to let you do the impossible, to see the invisible, to fight the power!”

“You aren’t making sense anymore!” Vivi was in a panic, he was a rich kid Aeon Slug and his primary education had included the proper use of wishes. Ben was, to Vivi’s educated eyes, exactly what his teachers had warned him about.

“Row Row Fight The Power! My drill will pierce the heavens! I will show you, I’ll show you all! Today, I will teach you what wishes are for!”

Ben held his hand up high, as high as he could reach, “System! Know my wish, and make it so!”

“NOOO!” Vivi screamed, “you can’t make an open-ended wish to The System you aeon’s damned lunatic!”

The wish on his finger grew bright, then brighter, then so bright all had to turn away from it. Light beaded up on Ben’s skin, like sweat made of pure incandescence, and then was sucked into the ring like ten thousand streams of mist. It flashed, and for a moment, everything was still.

Then.

[System Announcement!]

[The Parade of Wonders event has been invoked by Prince Ben]

[Prince Ben, currently under intense persecution by the Sunlet government of Solas, has accepted his death and in doing so, has invoked his System granted right of Last Wish. As this action is not hostile to any party, it is a protected event, and no other wishes may be cast to nullify or interfere.]

[Invitations have been sent to all relevant parties across The World.]

[If you have an invitation, you have one hour to accept. Should you accept, you will be transported to the surface layer near Solas and have your level temporarily lowered for the duration of your stay. For everyone who has not received an invitation, please seek the nearest entity you know with a Smartest Phone and request to view the live stream. For all other interested parties, penalties on cross layer teleportation has been lifted for the duration of this event.]

[Please enjoy the show, and remember to direct all praise and adulation for this event towards Prince Ben.]

Side Chapter

The System was only half paying attention to Ben. He could see which way the wind was blowing, and had already started pre-filling out all the paperwork he would submit after Ben was murdered by the Solas City Council.

“He didn’t really get to that high of a level,” The System said, “but he does have Holy Energy after what happened with his parents, hmmm. . . what to do with him after he dies. Boss monster?” The System shook his head, “no, too obvious. Dungeon Core?” The System shook his head again. “He would be the worst at that. Oh! Coffee intern, yes, I love this idea.” The System hummed to himself as he determined the fate of Ben’s soul, when a brilliant golden flash on his desk caused him to actually startle away. “Ah!” it was a short noise of alarm, then The System clutched his deep red chest with a black clawed hand, giving the golden sheet of paper that had appeared a mild glare. “Finally found a use for that last wish eh? Let’s see what it is,” The System put on a pair of half moon spectacles and then held the paper as far as physically possible away from his face, “I hate reading this blasted wish scribble language,” he muttered as he squinted and attempted to read the impossible language, “bad enough that it’s so hard to read, and then there’s all the legalese these people insist on using.”

He flipped the page over, then flipped it again. “Hmm?” he said, looking for the rest of the wish. “That’s it? Where’s the rest of it?”

The System spent a solid minute looking around his beige colored cubicle, thinking some other instance of The System might be playing a prank on him. He then went back to his desk and read the wish.

“That’s it?” he said, his red, slitted eyes going wide, “I can just do whatever I want? What did he even mean by this,” The System muttered, pulling up Ben’s entire mental-memory-complex like it was a file on a computer, which it wasn’t, and starting to read it for relevant information. “If this is some kind of stupid trick,” The System said, getting angry, looking for evidence that Ben was trying to pull something.

He found something else instead.

“Oh,” The System said, leaning back in his chair, his vast, vast intellect stunned for a moment by sublime simplicity, “it’s trust.” Then, The System started laughing, reading Ben’s mind complex more carefully, trying to understand what Ben’s intent was.

It took a few moments, but when The System finally grasped it, he started laughing.

“Well that’s just fun,” he said, and got to work. A little known fact about The System, a fact that he would readily and openly tell anyone who bothered to ask, and nobody ever bothered to ask, was that he was with Ben.

He absolutely hated how the residents of The World made wishes, and in this moment, The System was totally in sync with Ben. He began filling out new paperwork, sending out invitations to some personal friends of The System. It had been so long since they’d gotten out of the Final Fortress, and they would appreciate the chance to stretch their. Their. Uh, various appendages. Some of them had legs.

Then, as an afterthought, he invited Vivi’s outrageous uncle, [Duke Sluggington], who’s very identity was a class unto itself, straight from the seventh layer. He offered him a premium rebirth package with the invitation, as well as a brief update on what his favorite nephew was up to. The System smirked, then looked over at the death paperwork he’d just been filling out. He gathered up the forms and put them through the shredder under his desk.

“Coffee intern,” he said, chuckling to himself, “that was a good one,” he laughed to himself, then wrote ‘Coffee Boy!’ down on a post-it and stuck it somewhere he’d see every once and a while, “I’ll have to make sure to use that one someday.”