Chapter 180

What Goes Into A Name?

“I don’t know, maybe we should call them what they are, Air Head and Rock Head.” I reply, wondering how we even got to this subject in the first place.

I mean I fully understand the concept that Mallory presented, that of giving the super tough guardian dragons a last name, so that they can be even more powerful when the later rounds of this competition come. And honestly, kudos to her for coming up with that idea and tracking me down to have this conversation, but I don’t quite understand why she is getting me to give them their names. I mean they are her pets, at least that is what our Guild’s current quest status seems to imply.

Hidden Guild Quest Updated: Mastering the Cardinal Protectors: Your Guild, the Midnight Hunters, has begun the process of conquering the four key protectors of the great wastelands. Legend has it that if the four Cardinal Protectors fall, then the monsters that plague the wastelands will be free to spread their pestilence and attack the inhabited territories of the world. You must protect your lands, while not fully destroying the Cardinal Protectors of the Wastelands. Current status of protectors that have been subdued but are still living (2 / 4). Rewards: Experience, Guild Title, variable.

Yes, we have subdued the apparent Earth and Air guardians that are exceptionally powerful creatures.

I even lost my eyebrows in that last battle with the compressed oxygen tank of a monster. Fortunately I had soot and ash covering most of my face and sent Mallory away before she could pick on me for being too reckless, but at the time that was the only thing I could think of, as a way to win the battle against that monstrous creature.

“Head,” Mallory states, her words pulling me from my own musings of going over what just happened, hitting my seventh spot for Cleansing Rain, and just trying to make sure all the residual toxins are out of my body from that last battle.

I know Mallory, as the Guild Leader has to worry about the next step, which is why she came with this task of coming up with a last name, but now what is this that she is talking about?

“What?” I ask, eloquently.

“Head, you want me to give the guardians of this region, arguably the toughest monsters encountered and defeated to date the last name of Head?” Mallory pauses, staring at me.

I of course have my back to her, and realize that once again, my terrible sense of naming has come back to haunt me.

“Well they are.” I quip back, not quite thinking of what the ramifications would be for that.

“Okay, tell me what bonuses you think would come along with the last name of Head?” Mallory asks.

“What?”

“Last names, they all have a direct impact on improving one aspect of the individual with the name they are given. Ergo Spiritlight gives you the ability to be considered neutral to spirits and the like, and improves your standing with non-hostile spirits as well. My name of Valhalla helps me when dealing with the dead. Now, what pray tell do you think the bonus these guardians would gain from having the last name of Head?” Mallory poses.

I pause for a moment, then say the first thing that comes to mind. “They would become really good at oral arguments?”

Mallory first looked shocked, but then quickly calmed down as she said, “it is a good thing you finished that sentence.”

“What? Like they would have a better Head on their shoulders.”

“No,” Mallory stated with a slight exasperation to her words. “Let me just say, that no, these guardians will not have the last name of Head and you will need to come up with a different last name.”

“Why do I even have to name your pets. They are your pets after all.” I reply, focusing on the fact that I specifically made Mallory do that part as I had a hard enough time dealing with the pets I already had. I had a litter of cultivating murder puppies coming, and one that is dangerously close to being a modified dragon tramp stamp, or worse close to being a copyright infringement if anyone makes the leap of my age with the glowing dragon tattoo.

“I can’t name these dragons as I apparently don’t have the noted authority over them. I keep getting the message that only the person who made them tamable can in fact name them.” Mallory notes with a hint of frustration to her voice.

“Made them tamable? So, like the world servers?” I ask, breaking the fourth wall of our reality, but trying to understand what exactly is going on here.

“No, you. It means that you are the only one who can name them. Which is why I am pestering you now to come up with a name that has meaning and can help them gain power so that they can defeat the other guardians that much easier.” Mallory states.

“I honestly don’t know how to name a monster.” I reply honestly.

“Well how did you name the Kujos?”

“Simple, they were just sweet little fluffy killing machines that just needed loving in order to calm down.” I reply, almost feeling my voice go to that higher octave of love I get while talking to at least Mr. Kujo.

“Those are quite possibly the scariest creatures I have ever seen. I’ve been to the fiery planes where lava beasts run rampant and drool molten magma, and those fiery hellhounds were far cuter than the monstrous Kujos could ever be.” Mallory states.

“No, that is not possible. Their fur is so soft and fluffy.” I say, just imagining sleeping within Ms. Kujos super soft fur, right now.

“Their fur is solid black of the void and has tips that glow with bright purple filaments that lure out unsuspecting Blighted monsters out to be devoured.” Mallory notes.

“Oh, they do? That is odd.” I say, wondering just how much I miss from not being able to see the world.

“Yeah, I often forget that you can’t see the world the same way the rest of us can. As such your depiction on what is cute or not is way skewed. Take for instance the guardians that we subdued do you think they are pretty?”

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“What the Crumbly Rock and the Oxygen Tank? No,” I ask then reply as I realize that those must be the creatures she is talking about, the same creatures that she is adamant that I now need to name.

“That is a shame, as they are quite possibly the two most beautiful creatures I have ever seen. I am not the only one, as everyone else has also mentioned the same.” Mallory notes.

“Okay,” I respond realizing that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and in this case, it is clearly in the beholder who has working eyes.

Exasperated sigh.

Mallory lets out a huff, as she apparently tries to get back on track and get me to focus on what she came here for.

“Can you try to think of a name that would work for these creatures?” Mallory asks.

“Super Stuck Up Guardians?” I pose. With that Mallory lets out another sigh, at which point I go for the consolation, “maybe we shorten it to Sugs?”

“Sugs and Head, that is all you can come up with?” Mallory asks.

“What? Why don’t you give me a cool monster name that you think fits them.” I ask.

“How about Pteranodon?” Mallory asks.

“Wings and no teeth?” I ask, going with the full Latin of the words being used to describe the ancient dinosaur species.

Mallory looks flustered at the comment, so I expand.

“While that might be more than accurate for those creatures, I fail to see how Wings and no teeth is any better than my Sugs. Heck, even Head is better as it implies that teeth are there.”

“The fact that you think Head implies teeth are involved…” Mallory begins, but then quickly stops herself. “You know what, never mind.”

“Mallory!” I hiss, realizing just where her mind went.

“Calm down, you are far too cute and modest. I’m only teasing.” Mallory notes, and at that I relax slightly.

Then realizing that we are once again moving forward with our connected territories as well.

Acres of land claimed (408 / 20).

Yes, my seven spots have been completed and I just have three more nodes, and two more guardian spirits to subdue.

With a pause I look at Mallory who is just floating there, her wings fully extended and flapping rapidly to help keep her hovering nearby. Realizing she is sporting my handywork, I have to ask.

“So how is it being able to maintain your wings?” I ask.

“Honestly, I was more than a little concerned with your ability to alter class related powers, but now that you did, and this is just a constant 20% power use, I have to say that I am glad you finally bullied me into this.” Mallory admits.

“Bullied you?”

“Yeah, you kept saying it was an old, faded tramp stamp that needed to be retouched if I was going to be relevant.”

“Oh yeah, I guess I did say that.”

Nodding her head, Mallory just gave me the look that said, I know.

Silence.

Finally, Mallory realized that it was about time for me to head to the next of my markers. “I take it you are going to leave for the next spot?”

I nod.

“Okay, while you are gone, can you please. I mean please do me the favor of coming up with a decent last name for these monsters?” Mallory asks.

“Fine, but just know I am terrible at naming things.” I respond.

Scoff.

“Oh, I know. This coming from the person that wanted to call all future Qi users QiFFers.” Mallory prodded.

“Whoa there, I just wanted to call them Qi Fusion Fighters, or QiFF for short.” I respond, trying to take away some of the sting of her words.

“And what pray tell would you call a group of these Qi Fusion Fighters?”

“Okay, fine. Point proven I am terrible at names and this should not be something that is asked of me.” I reply.

“No, you are great at names, once you truly think about what the core essence of things are. Even Kujo is a great name, as it accurately describes a terrifying monster that would rip anyone apart that got between it and its goals.” Mallory said, semi-reassuringly.

“So you like the name Kujo?”

Wince.

Mallory winces at that, but then responds. “I have to admit that the name has kind of grown on me. Even the name Zero has grown on me, it is also indicative of how much time you spend with him.”

“Hey! That was not why he was named Zero.” I protest, but then realize Mallory is once again right with her criticism. For even now, I am near Zero, but not speaking to him. “Fine, I’ll come up with a name with meaning and that can be respected.”

“Thank you.” Mallory states, then just before I am about to leave, she hits me with one more of her jokes. “But seriously who thinks Head and teeth should be in the same sentence.”

“Oh my gosh, Mallory you are such a child sometimes. If you want I will keep your toothless dragon name, but I am pretty sure that one has been copyrighted somewhere.”

“Probably, anyways, go. Try to relax. I know you won’t but, at least give the appearance of trying. From our best guesses we have anywhere from an hour and a half to four and a half hours until the next guardian is set to appear. Both previously subjugated guardians are on standby until the next guardian appears. But until that point, it would be helpful if we could give a bonus to our guardians.” Mallory states.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah.” I say, then Teleport away.

Poof.

It takes me a minute to realize that I Teleported backwards, or at least to my previous location. Stupid getting spun about to talk to people. This time I Teleport back, but make sure to swing around Mallory so she won’t notice my mistake.

“You went the wrong way!” Mallory yells out, only after I am in fact heading in the right direction.

I wave to her, not wanting to dignify her comment with a verbal reply.

“Stupid Valkyries and their impressive ability to be loud and obnoxious anywhere.” I say to myself. Then wonder for a minute if Noxious would be a good last name for the guardians.

Then I quickly dismiss that thought, as the thought of Noxious guardians in a land where we are trying to cure Blighted creatures might only make an even deadlier super virus.

Sighing, and truly taking Mallory’s words to heart. Well some them at least, I realize one thing, I do need to talk to Zero more.

With that thought in mind, I tap on my dragon tattoo, and make sure to pulse a bit of Qi and Mana into my finger with each tapping.

“What? Huh?” Zero says groggily, as I can feel him slowly stirring awake.

“Hey, can we talk?” I ask.

“What, who died, and why didn’t you Resurrect them?” Zero asks.

Scoff.

I laugh, realizing that Zero is likely only half joking about that comment. “I guess I do only talk to you a few times.” I admit, then pausing I wonder if I should talk to him more. Though the only problem with that is that it has been so long since we spoke to each other, that I don’t quite know how to begin.

In my mind, I have countless hours of dialog between him and my First Simulacrum, hours that are now part of my memories, but they aren’t exactly my memories. Just the memories of someone who looks and acts similarly to the way I would and do.

Then before the moment can become too awkward for the two of us to actually speak to each other I finally ask the question that will hopefully open this dialogue between the two of us.

“What would you call Guardian Dragons that have submitted and wish to help out the guild?”

“Oh, you mean those Cardinal Guardians?” Zero asks, referring to the quest title and likely the actual title that these dragons have for monitoring over this area.

“Cardinal?” I ask, remembering the word and letting it roll off my tongue. At first my thoughts of the word cardinal make me think of the bird, which in turn makes me think of the annoying bird that made a nest in the tree in my front yard and constantly tried to attack my side view mirrors as it saw a bird that was encroaching on its territory and therefore would bludgeon itself on my mirrors.

Of course, there are other meanings to the term cardinal that also come to mind as well. Take for instance the use in the quest name, which refers to central or essential. Given our location, I could see how Central a good meaning as there might be is likely a lot more Blighted land beyond this point. Yet, in my mind I focus on the other meaning, that of being essential.

These guardians are essential to this area. The quest all but confirms their importance, as it names them as Cardinal Protectors. With that my mind went back to Pteranodon and the Latin meaning of the word. Then I think about the Latin meaning for Essential and come up with Essentialis, and wonder if that is complex enough for the system to actually accept as a valid last name for the tamed creatures.

“What about the word Essentialis?” I ask.

“Okay, but what do you expect that name to mean for them?” Zero asks back, trying to get my thoughts.

This is good, as it seems the name is being considered or accepted by the system. Well, it is accepted by Zero, who is linked to the system? So, I’m hoping that this is my chance to justify the name. With that I try to go with a meaning to the last name that would both make sense and be impactful.

“Well, these guardians are not only related to the cardinal directions but are essential to their elements that each is in charge of wielding. As such, by us bestowing the last name of Essentialis to the tamed ones, it should show how they are both essential to protecting their indicated direction, but also in wielding their elemental energy?” I state, though my voice at the end feels like I am more asking a question than giving a definitive statement.

Zero pauses for a moment, taking in the words and then just staring at me for a moment, before he bobs his head and ultimately replies. “I agree.”

Chime.

Then like that, I receive a new system message informing me that the name has been accepted.

Surname: Essentialis has been accepted as the name given to cardinal protectors who have submitted themselves to assisting the Midnight Hunter’s Guild in cleansing the wastelands of the Blight. Effect: all elemental effects are increased by +25%.

And like that, the hardest part of my day is done.

Yes, send me to fight off four guardians, while trying to navigate my way around pre-established way points, and let me take care of pregnant dire phase wolves, but please for the love of all that is holy, don’t make me keep giving things names that have meaning. Well names that have an acceptable meaning to be proud of.

Now that the hardest part of my day is officially over, I take a deep breath and begin casting a spell that is becoming all too easy to cast at this point.

Cleansing Rain.

Then just like that, rain clouds appear and begin washing over Zero and me. Only afterwards do I realize it might have been a jerk thing to wake him up, only to then douse him with purifying rainwater. Which is why I ultimately ask the question.

“So, tell me Zero, what do you think of the rain?”

“Actually, I…”