- 31 -

Lilith wondered exactly who had kicked her in the head the night before. Even if she considered what happened between her and Pandora a fight, the only damage sustained had been emotional. Yet, her head throbbed in time with the beating of her heart. The pain only worsened when she pushed herself up and looked over toward the port hole. She needed to raise a hand to shield her eyes from the sunlight that punched her directly in the retinas.

Not the most gentle way of beckoning me out of bed.

Now that she was awake, Lilith had a choice to make. Her heart told her to go find Pandora at breakfast and apologize. Instead, she collapsed back into the mattress.

Why fucking bother?

It didn't matter what Lilith's heart told her. The steep angle of the sunlight streaming into the room told her that she had missed breakfast, and probably lunch as well. At least that explained the headache. She had overslept.

Even if I find Pandora during the dinner service what would I say to her? "I waited 16 hours because I was trying to give you time to cool off."

Pandora wasn't stupid. There was no explanation that would be good enough, at least not without telling the truth. Not without admitting what she was. That wasn't an option. Too much of the truth had already slipped in. Lilith had built her relationship with Pandora on a lie. Then when they kissed, when the truth peeked through the cracks, what they had was shattered.

The thought stung at the corners of her eyes, trying to draw out tears, but Lilith had long since run dry. She buried her face into the pillow and pulled the sheets over her head. She had already slept through most of the day, but why even bother getting up? Why not sleep through the rest of it? Hell, the rest of the week. It's not like she needed to eat to survive. Now that she had ruined her relationship with Pandora, the smartest thing to do was disappear until the ship reached port.

Lilith cursed herself. This was all her fault. Once again, she had let her fear paralyze her. If I could just learn to control it then... Then what? She didn't know.

It's not like she could have maintained a relationship with Pandora. If she dated the woman, at some point sex would come up. What a choice that would be. Sleep with your partner and kill her, or tell the truth and force her to kill you.

Lilith's thoughts continued to spiral inward when a knock sounded at the door. She bolted upright, the bed sheet following after her. Was that Pandora? Was she being given a second chance? Her heart swelled.

She reached up to grab the sheet over her head and threw it aside. The makeshift ghost costume was no longer appropriate. It felt like she was being given a second chance at life. She shuffled to the edge of the bed and stood up. There was only one chance at this. She needed to make her apology count. Her shaking hand reached for the doorknob, then hesitated.

Do I look alright?

Lilith smoothed out the wrinkles in her dress the best she could manage. Another knock came as she was running her fingers through her hair. It would have to be good enough. She grabbed the handle and threw the door open.

"Pandora, I'm sorr..."

Lilith's eyes met a wall of muscle. She drifted her gaze up the man's massive chest before settling on his face. She did her best to mirror his kind smile, but she was sure he could see the disappointment in her eyes. She had failed so many times to mask her feelings from Pandora, why would it be any different here?

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"Oh. Mr. Allister. I'm sorry, but Pandora's not here right now."

"Actually, I came to speak with you."

Her forced smile faded away, replaced by confusion. "Why would you want to speak with me?"

Instead of an answer, Lilith was given a question.

"Can I come in?"

She took a seat on the edge of the bed and nodded for Allister to join her. When he stepped into the room, she realized just how out of place he looked. Such a large man in such a small space. It only reinforced her impression that he didn't belong here, speaking to her.

"I'm here on Pandora's behalf," he said, taking a seat beside her.

Allister's large frame formed a well in the mattress and Lilith had to brace herself not to slide in towards him. In her distraction, she continued the conversation without much thought. "Pandora sent you?" she said before her mind caught up and she questioned what he had told her. "No, that's not true is it?"

"Why do you say that?"

"Pandora is a prideful woman. I think if she had anything to say to me she would say it herself. And she doesn't seem the type to ask for help. So, is it true or not?"

Allister's leg bounced restlessly. "It's true enough," he eventually said. "What happened between you two?"

Now it was Lilith's turn to be silent. When she spoke her voice came as a whisper, meant only for her to hear. "I knew it. She's given up on me. If she cared she would come and find me."

"Lilith, what happened last night?" Allister asked again, but she ignored him once more. His frustration came out in a long breath, the force of the air making a rumbling sound as it was expelled. It drew Lilith's attention and she locked eyes with him as he asked, "So you don't care about her at all then?"

"What?" Lilith stammered.

His eyes shifted to a sharp point, yet it was his words that cut her. "You didn't go and find her, so you must not care, right? You've given up on her?"

Lilith shrunk back into herself. "That's not true. I just..." She pulled her eyes away from him and began to run through her list of excuses. "I was going to, but I overslept. And then... What am I supposed to say to her? I'm the one who ruined everything."

Allister sighed. "She said the same damn thing. What actually happened between you two?"

How was she supposed to answer that? If she had an adequate answer she wouldn't need to be afraid of Pandora. She couldn't tell them that she was scared of being a youkai. That she was afraid she was doomed to be alone forever. Never have a boyfriend or girlfriend. Never get married. She was terrified that because she was born different, she was disqualified from love. And worst of all, she was scared that if she did somehow find someone to love, they would just end up like her father.

Lilith flinched when Allister's hand fell on her shoulder, but the warmth of his touch was comforting. She hoped he would hold it there a bit longer. It made her feel less alone. She didn't know how long she had sat in silence jumping from one anxiety to the next, but she was ashamed to have left his question unanswered.

"You don't have to tell me," he said, "but I think you should talk to Pandora. You're as important to her as she is to you."

Lilith pulled her feet up to the bed's edge and wrapped her legs in a tight hug. "What if she doesn't want to talk to me?"

"What if she does?"

She buried her face in her knees, then said, "I'll consider it."

Her words lacked confidence, but they must have been good enough for Allister because he stood and walked out into the hall. Before he left, He turned back and said, "If you want an excuse to start a conversation, tell her I sent you to ask about the investigation. At worst, she'll be mad at me, not you."

Lilith considered the idea. At the very least it seemed plausible. She had been with both of them when they investigated the boiler room and the storage bay. They had even encouraged her to participate. She smiled, remembering the way Pandora had praised her when she came up with plausible theories.

"I just remembered something," Lilith said. She straightened, eyes focused on Allister. "I meant to ask Pandora about it but I got sidetracked with our trip to the observation deck, and then..." Lilith trailed off for a moment.

Not now Lilith, this is important.

"I wanted to ask her because I wasn't sure, but I don't think the youkai broke out of its cage. Something else shattered that lock."

Allister seemed deep in thought before he abruptly swore under his breath and pulled the door shut, leaving Lilith alone to consider their conversation. He was right, of course. She should at least try to talk to Pandora. But knowing you should do something and doing it were different. He had gifted her an excuse, but it didn't quell her fear.

But then, didn't I promise to stop letting fear control my actions?