As the son and saint of Poseidon entered the room, I noticed that his legs were made of water. Like, his normal legs were completely gone and now he was walking on water. It was a very strange sight, and Dalv seemed equally baffled by it.

"Boom, baby!" the son of Poseidon stepped into the space near the orc king. "I'm gonna..."

His gaze fell on me. He stopped dead in his tracks and turned to King Doomhell.

"What the hell's this guy don' here, baby?" the saint of Poseidon asked.

"Laestrygon, he is a forest spirit," King Doomhell answered. "He is the spirit of the forest all the saints are meeting at."

Ah, so that's what that guy's name was! It's a bit weird that I'm learning it from an orc, but oh well.

The son of Posei...Laestrygon looked between the orc king and me. He looked at Dalv before turning back to King Doomhell with a baffled expression.

"I'm pretty sure that guy's Saint Gustav, baby," Laestrygon said.

King Doomhell shook his head.

"You humans don't know much about spirits, do you?" the orc asked. "Spirits can look however they want. If he looks like that Saint Gustav git, it just means that he wants to look like him."

Laestrygon looked dumbfounded.

"No, I'm pretty sure he's Saint Gustav, baby," he stated.

"I trust my boys more than I trust you," King Doomhell narrowed his eyes. "If you want to convince me that he's the real Saint Gustav, prove it."

Laestrygon turned to me.

"Prove that you're a spirit, baby! Do some spirit stuff!" he ordered.

"Alright," I rolled up my sleeves. "Allow me to demonstrate my powers as a spirit!"

Extending my hand, I sent a blast of wind out. It blew some leaves on the ground around. Dalv was struggling to contain his laughter.

"I used my powers as the spirit of the forest to summon wind to blow those leaves around," I said.

The orcs nodded.

"That proves it," one of them stated.

"He's a spirit alright," another agreed.

"There," King Doomhell said. "Does that satisfy you, Laestrygon?"

Laestrygon's eye twitched.

"Listen, baby, wind magic ain't all that rare! Lots of human nobles have it!" he declared.

King Doomhell scoffed.

"And what proof do you have that he is a saint and not a spirit? My boys say he's a spirit, and that's good enough for me," the orc said.

Laestrygon facepalmed so hard that I thought he'd knock one of his own teeth out. He then swerved around to me.

"Okay, baby! I'm gonna ask you something only the real Saint Gustav would know the answer to!" Laestrygon stated.

I folded my arms and narrowed my eyes.

"If it's something only the real Saint Gustav would know, how do you know it?" I asked. "Maybe you were the real Saint Gustav all along?"

Some of the orcs shared looks of apprehension.

"He's got a point," one of them said.

Another nodded.

"Yeah. If he knows something only Saint Gustav would know, maybe he's Saint Gustav."

King Doomhell placed a finger on his chin.

"That is a good point. How do I know that you're not actually Saint Gustav, Laestrygon?" he asked.

The saint of Poseidon's eyes twitched.

"Listen, baby, I was being kept in a Greenrivers prison! Saint Gustav's one of King Eduard the Defenestrator's inner circle! He wouldn't lock him away there! Ain't that proof enough, baby?"

King Doomhell thought that through for a moment before nodding.

"I guess it is," the orc said.

"This could all be a trap," I replied. "King Eduard could have arranged everything to trick you into going all the way down here where you're nowhere near Greenrivers."

King Doomhell nodded.

"That's another good point," he stated. "So, what do you have to say to that, Laestrygon? Or should I say, Saint Gustav?"

If you spot this narrative on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.

Laestrygon slammed his head down hard, bashing it against the floor.

"Now, that's a good argument. Alright, I believe you're not Saint Gustav," King Doomhell said.

"W-What?" even Laestrygon was baffled by it.

He then turned to me with a grin. Laestrygon punched himself hard in the balls while letting out a gasp of pain.

"Alright, now you lost me," King Doomhell stated. "That doesn't even make any sense."

Laestrygon turned to me.

"Alright, baby," he said. "I'm gonna ask you questions only Saint Gustav would know the answer to. If you answer them right, that means you're Saint Gustav."

Dalv opened his mouth to speak before closing it. I could tell that he wanted to point out that this only worked if I was trying to disguise myself as Saint Gustav and wasn't trying to hide that I was him. But then Dalv remembered we were there to kill Laestrygon and decided to bite down his frustration.

"Go ahead and ask me them," I said.

"Alright, baby. Here we go: when we were fighting at the Mr. and Mrs. Barbarian contest, where did you land your first strike on me?" Laestrygon asked.

"Nowhere," I answered. "We never fought at that contest. I've never even been to that contest. I'm the spirit of the forest, not Saint Gustav, remember?"

King Doomhell nodded.

"He's got you there," the orc said.

Laestrygon facepalmed, not realizing that he was only slightly smarter than the orcs, by my estimation.

"Okay. Where did Saint Gustav first hit me when we fought at that contest?" he asked.

"How am I supposed to know that?" I questioned. "Did he kick you in the ass or something?"

"No, baby! He..."

Laestrygon started to speak before closing his mouth. He let out a light chuckle.

"I mean, yes, that's right, baby! Saint Gustav kicked me right in the ass!" Laestrygon declared.

King Doomhell scoffed.

"It's too late to retract it now," he said. "We already heard you say it was wrong."

Then, the orc king narrowed his eyes.

"And I think I know what your plan is, Laestrygon. All this time, you really wanted to get us to hurt this spirit of the forest, didn't you?"

Laestrygon shook his head.

"No, baby! I don't wanna hurt any spirits of the forest," he said. "They don't scream the way humans do. It ain't as fun, baby!"

King Doomhell nodded.

"That's a good point. Spirits aren't as fun to kill as humans are," the orc king stated.

I scoffed as loudly as I possibly could.

"And do you really believe him?" I asked. "He thought I was Saint Gustav! He's clearly insane! And obviously, you'd have to be insane to think that spirits are more fun to kill than humans! So, he must have been trying to kill me!"

My brain hurt from the words I had just spoken. Logically speaking, they made no damn sense. But I hoped to hell that the orcs would fall for it. Especially given how stupid they are.

Now, you might be wondering where Dʰéǵʰom was during all this. The answer was simple. He was trying to control his laughter. Despite being a god, Dʰéǵʰom's was failing.

King Doomhell stood up to his full height. Now, rage coated his body.

"Now, that's a good point! Laestrygon, you've been trying to trick us all this time, haven't you?" the orc monarch shouted.

Laestrygon shook his head so fast that it looked like he'd fly into the air like a helicopter.

"No, baby! I know I'm bad, real bad! But I'm not trying to trick you, honest!" he insisted.

King Doomhell loomed high over Laestrygon. His army of orcs, who I just noticed had been gathering in the area, started drawing their weapons. I couldn't help but smile.

"I'll give you one last chance, one last argument to prove that you weren't trying to trick us into hurting a spirit or a spirit's woods," the head orc declared.

"Don't worry, baby! I'll prove it!" Laestrygon nodded. "Okay, ummm...how do I prove this to orcs..."

It looked like Laestrygon's mind was racing as he desperately tried to comprehend orc logic. Then, a smile crossed his face. He threw his arms up to the sky and laughed.

"That's it, baby! I've got it! Proof that this guy's Saint Gustav!" Laestrygon declared.

He pointed at King Doomhell.

"Get an oracle, baby! They can see if someone's a saint!"

The orc king shook his head.

"We orcs don't have any oracles," King Doomhell said.

"Then, get an orcacle," Laestrygon replied.

Dʰéǵʰom's laughter came to a sudden halt. In fact, the whole area became silent. Dalv grabbed my arm and yanked me towards the exit. He started running with terror on his face.

"We need to get out of here, now!" Dalv declared.

"Why? What's going on?" I asked.

The voivode grimaced.

"I am certain that Laestrygon was being serious, partially due to his own stupidity," Dalv explained. "But the orcs aren't smart enough to figure it out."

Looking around, I saw the orcs start turning from green to red. A sense of foreboding flowed through my body. Laestrygon looked very confused.

"What's going on?" I asked.

"You and Laestrygon are still young, so I doubt you'd know this, but there's nothing orcs hate more than bad puns. It causes them to go into a death rage," Dalv answered.

"That...that's bad, isn't it?"

I started running too as I spoke. The orcs were getting more and more mad. Dʰéǵʰom's voice entered my mind. It was filled with complete and utter panic.

"Get out of there now, Gustav!" somehow, my ears hurt from his voice filling my mind.

Dalv shivered in dread.

"Bad does not even begin to describe it. If Turks were in the middle of an orc death rage, I would mercy kill them."

Well, that fucking settled things.

I cast wind magic behind myself, blasting me and Dalv forward and out of the orc camp. Just as we got outside of it, a loud roar echoed from the area behind us. We started running as fast as we possibly could.

As we fled, the ground started to rumble. Laestrygon must have created an earthquake to try to survive the army of orcs. I hoped it wouldn't be enough to save him, but I wasn't going to assume he was dead.

Dalv and I kept running until I couldn't run any longer. Then, Dalv picked me up and carried me all the way back to the saint camp. It was dark by the time we arrived.

Fridus was waiting for us. Relief crossed his face when he saw our return.

"Thank the gods, you're back," he said. "I take it you won the duel?"

I rolled off Dalv's back and plopped onto the ground.

"There was no duel," I replied.

"Then, what happened?" Fridus asked.

Dalv sighed.

"The orcs entered a death rage after our target made a bad pun," he answered.

Fridus cringed.

"That is not good," he said.

"At least they're too far away from us to be a threat," Dalv replied. "Their death rage will subside by the time they get here. I just hope no one's camping close to the orc camp."

Fridus grimaced.

"There shouldn't be. But if there are, I feel horrible for them," he said.

Then, the baron scratched his chin.

"Still, we should try to look on the bright side, I suppose. At least the orcs will kill your target."

I shook my head from my position on the ground.

"They might, but they might not too. I've got a feeling that he's still alive," I said.

"Unfortunately, I have the same feeling," Dʰéǵʰom replied. "Laestrygon is a son of Poseidon, and if he died, Poseidon would throw a shit fit."

With a nod, I spoke again.

"Dʰéǵʰom agrees with me, and he's the God of Exposition. So, Laestrygon is probably still out there somewhere," I said.

"Well, then I suppose we'll have to deal with him again someday," Dalv grimaced. "Best of luck, Gustav. Laestrygon seems to hold a grudge against you."

I nodded.

"The next time we meet, I'll make sure to kill him. Either that, or he'll escape. It's something or the other."