My guide opened the door to my residence in Gran Kuraz. She stepped inside, giving me a bow.

"Welcome to thine temporary home. Thou wilt live here so long as thou art in Gran Kuraz," my guide said.

I looked around. As expected, the building was carved into a massive rock. Almost everything was made out of stone. There was even a stone grandfather clock on the wall. It was empowered by magic to tell the time.

There were some exceptions, like the glowing crystals that floated in the air. They lit up the place. Additionally, various gems lined the walls. The chairs in the room were made of silver. And the doorknobs were made of gold.

"Allow me to show thee around thine dwellings," my guide spoke.

"Sure," I replied.

The Dark Elf walked to the kitchen. It had a stone oven with a chimney attached to it. Aside from that, there was a stone cutting board and several stone cabinets.

"We hath prepared fine foods for thee that hath been stored here in case thou dost not wish to leave thine dwellings to get food. Though, thou canst also send one of thine servants to call for a meal. We wilt provide it for thee," she said.

"Thank you," I gave her a bow. "I am grateful for the hospitality of the Dark Elves."

My guide bowed back.

"The honor ist ours. It hast been a long time since a Saint has graced our capital," she stated. "Now, I shall show thee the servants' quarters."

"In Greenrivers, the custom is for lords to sleep in the same room as their servants," I replied.

"I must humbly ask that you abide by our sleeping customs while you are here, Saint Gustav. Some may get the wrong idea from thou sleeping with so many others," the Dark Elf said.

"Well, that's really fucking suspicious! I mean, she could be worried that people will think I'm a whore, but still," I thought.

"Yeah. Lords in Greenrivers sleep in the same room as their servants so their bodyguards are right there if someone tries to kill them," Dʰéǵʰom stated.

"I'm getting the feeling that someone might want me dead," I pondered. "Most Dark Elves wouldn't think of killing a Saint, but if a god told them to do it, they might."

"And the fact that you're my saint might make you a target. And if another god found out you're a Godslayer, that would put an even bigger target on your back," Dʰéǵʰom said.

"I'll need to think of some plans to make in case this really is a trap," I thought before speaking. "Very well. I will abide by your customs."

My guide brought me over to another door. She opened it. Inside of the room was a set of stone beds. Each of them was covered by a sheet of animal hide. There were no floating crystals in this room.

"This ist thine servants' quarters," the Dark Elf explained.

A cringe went through me.

"Why did they have to have stone beds? Couldn't they just make mattresses out of dead animals?" I thought.

"The Dark Elves probably like sleeping on rocks. Their ancestors might have had to do it a lot when they first came down here. Either that or beds not made of rock are too expensive down here, even for nobles," Dʰéǵʰom said.

"Well, at least I'm not sleeping on the floor again. Wait, this is the servants' bedroom..."

A shudder of dread flowed through me.

"Can I see my bedroom?" I asked.

"Of course, Saint Gustav," my guide answered. "Right this way."

My bedroom had a stone bed that was twice the size of the servant beds. And it had not one, but two animal hide sheets on it. The bed also had a pillow made of solid gold.

"My neck and head are going to hurt so damn much in the morning," I thought. "I'm so glad this world has healing magic."

Four statues, each of a different figure that I assumed was an elven god, surrounded the bed. Their eyes were wide open and gazing at it. Fucking great. Even if no one was watching me sleep, I'd feel like someone was.

I noticed that the stone bed was an extension of the floor. That meant someone couldn't hide under it. That is, unless...

Concentrating deeply, I poured magic into my ears to enhance my sense of hearing. I heard some small skittering from outside the building, the fluttering of insect wings, and two people having se...

Okay, I enhanced it way too much! I removed some of the magic from my ears. Then, I pretended to trip and kicked one of my shoes off. It bounced off the back wall, bounced off the bed, and hit one of the statues.

I caught myself from my pretend trip. My enhanced ears heard an echo from the inside of the statue my shoe hit.

"It's hollow," I thought.

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"Careful, Saint Gustav!" sheer panic was on my guide's face.

She ran over and grabbed the shoe before moving back to me.

"I'm certain the gods will understand a saint having an accident, but it was almost sacrilege," my guide said.

"I understand. I'll be more careful in the future," I replied.

"Dʰéǵʰom, don't tell the other gods about what's happened here," I thought.

"Don't worry. My lips are sealed."

Honestly, it was an accident. I intended to just hit the bed and only test the statues when my guide was gone. I'd only expected the shoe to make one bounce.

"Let's forget this ever happened," my guide said.

"Okay. But why are these statues here? There aren't any like them in the servants' room," I replied.

"They art here to remind the lord that the gods art always watching him. There ist great need for that. For those with power are the most vulnerable to temptation," she stated.

I nodded.

"Alright. I have one more question: what is your name? You never told me, and I was occupied with everything else that was going on."

A moment of silence flowed through the room.

"Thou dost not need to know mine name. Thou art a saint, and I am but a humble guard. I am unworthy of thou knowing mine name," she said.

"And as a saint, I order you to tell me your name," I replied.

This is getting increasingly suspicious.

"Dʰéǵʰom, look carefully at the statues. Do you recognize any of the gods in them?" I thought.

The guard sighed.

"Very well. Mine name ist Karnom," she stated.

"I don't recognize any of them. But they might be gods I don't know. It isn't like I've met every single god in existence," Dʰéǵʰom said.

Then, all four of the statues burst open. A Dark Elf woman wearing stereotypical ninja clothing appeared where each of them was before. Karnom grabbed my hand and yanked me back, pushing me behind her.

"What didst thou do to those statues?" she asked.

"Thou shouldst worry more about thineself," one of the newcomers answered.

The four Dark Elf...assassins? I think? did a pose worthy of a sentai show. One of them held her arms in the air. Two others held their backs to each other. And the fourth jumped on the arms of the first.

"We art the shinobi of Dionysus, god of madness!" the first ninja declared.

Karnom looked at them as if they had lost their fucking minds.

"Dʰéǵʰom, is Dionysus allowed to interfere with this world?" I thought.

There was no response.

"Dʰéǵʰom?"

The god said nothing.

"Dʰéǵʰom? Are you alright?" panic flashed through me.

"Oh, sorry, I'm fine," he said. "I was just stunned. That was the stupidest thing I've ever seen in my entire life. And I am literally older than your universe."

"Which one, my original or my current universe?"

"Both. Combined."

I gazed at the shinobi.

"Well, I can't deny that Dark Elf ninjas doing a sentai pose working for a Greek god of insanity from another world is pretty stupid," I thought.

The shinobi exited their pose. Then, they each drew a weapon. One had nunchucks. One had a rope dart. One had a flail. And the final had a lit bomb.

Oh, fuck, the final had a lit bomb!

She threw it at us, making me wish that I had learned wind magic.

Karnom raised her hand. A magical shield formed in front of us. The bomb exploded, but her spell stopped it from doing any damage. A wall of smoke formed in front of us.

"I didst not expect it to explode," she said. "I hath never seen a weapon like that before."

When the smoke cleared, the ninjas were gone. Pure rage crossed Karnom's face.

"Destroying statues of gods and assaulting a saint. I shall make these heretics pay for their blasphemy!" she shouted.

I heard a noise coming from above. Pouring magic into my arms and legs, I boosted my strength and speed. My hands shoved Karnom forward while I jumped back.

One of the shinobi jumped down between me and Karnom. She was now dual-wielding her flail and a shoehorn.

"Hail Dionysus!" she shouted.

Karnom turned and struck with centuries of combat experience and magical power buildup. There was a blade of stone on her hand, like a giant punching dagger. She swung at the ninja, bisecting her horizontally. Then, the guard jumped back, grabbing me just in time to avoid a rain of boiling wine.

"Why didst they attack with wine?" Karnom questioned.

"Because Dionysus is also the god of wine," I said.

"Wine and madness. Truly a fitting combination."

"No!" a shout came from the bedroom. "She slew Lemna!"

Another roar rang out.

"You aren't elven!"

A fireball emerged in Karnom's hand. It flew into the bedroom. Just as it exploded, the remaining three ninjas leaped out. They avoided the blast and threw a rain of wine-soaked shuriken at us.

Karnom made another magical shield with incredible speed. The shuriken bounced off. Then, the ninjas charged up. They slammed their melee weapons into the shield, and it shattered.

The shinobi closed in, but Karnom moved so quickly that I could barely see her.

"I shall underestimate thee no longer," she said.

One of the ninjas was bisected vertically. Another's chest exploded from a point-blank fireball. The third's head was flung from her body. It landed right at my feet, empty eyes gazing at my face.

Karnom closed her eyes. She then breathed a sigh of relief.

"There art no other assassins," the Dark Elf stated.

Then, Karnom turned to me, concern on her face.

"Art thou okay, Saint Gustav?" she asked.

"I think I'm traumatized now," I answered. "But aside from that, I'm fine."

"Good. Thou art a human man, which makes thee like a woman for us. And there ist nothing better for a woman than trauma."

That is not even remotely true!

"In just a few more decades, thou wilt become a warrior yet," Karnom smiled.

"Decades?" I asked.

"Yes. Thou art still young, only around 45 by mine reckoning. Thou art worthy to be a soldier, but mainly in times of desperation," she answered.

"I'm 15," I replied.

Utter shock coated Karnom's face.

"Thou art that young? That ist barely out of swaddling age!" she exclaimed.

"Yes. I'm 15," I said.

"Then...how long do humans without magic live?"

"Between 60 and 80 years normally."

Karnom shivered.

"I knew that humans without magic do not live as long as elves without magic, but I didst not know it was this bad. I thought thine kind wouldst regularly live into thine hundreds. Perhaps that ist why the gods bless thine kind with so many saints? Thine short lifespan means thou needst their guidance more than us," she speculated.

"Yeah, sure, let's go with that," I said before thinking. "Not that she'd believe the real reason why, even though the gods told the Dark Elves it already."

Then, I turned to the charred remains of my bedroom. A shiver went down my spine.

"I'm going to need a new place to stay, one much more heavily guarded, especially if I'm sleeping on my own," I said.

"I shall inform Kiptin Krualuc immediately," Karnom replied.

"Preferably a place with magical defenses."

"It shall be done. No harm can come to a Saint in Gran Kuraz of all cities. It would disgrace the honor of all Dark Elves," she stated.

Then, a look of complete and utter hatred crossed her face.

"And we shall hunt down the blasphemers worshipping this...Dionysus, shouldst there be any of them left. They hath committed sacrilege and shall not be forgiven. Dionysus may be a god, but he ist not one of our gods," Karnom said.

"So, Dʰéǵʰom, is Dionysus supposed to be in this world?" I thought.

My patron god sighed.

"He isn't."

"Do you think he's working with Poseidon?"

"Dionysus might be," Dʰéǵʰom said. "But good luck figuring out why that drunken lunatic does anything, especially after he's downed his 45th barrel of wine for the day."