I was walking along the outskirts of the camp, thinking about my situation there. It had been a day since I arrived, and things were going much better than I expected. No one had died or even fought yet. This couldn't have had anything to do with me, considering how all I did was be friendly to people and hand out bug spray. The other saints were probably just in a good mood.

But anyway, I wasn't out of the woods yet. This was both metaphorically and literally. The Equinox would keep going for a few days, and I'd have to deal with the other saints during this time.

There was something else important as well. The cap had no baths. So, I'd need to bathe in a river. Which meant I needed to wait until no one else was using the river.

I know it's a weird rule and the river is massive (it's twice the length and width of the Loire). But some of the saints apparently insisted on it the meeting before the last. There were some issues during the meeting before that one.

So, yes, I was pacing around the entire camp waiting for people to be done using an entire river.

Then, a voice came to my ears.

"The river's empty!"

"Finally!" I shouted and ran as fast as I could, using magic to boost my speed.

Closer and closer I went to the river, ready to bathe in it. Finally! I could get all the bugs and dirt and whatever else was on me off! It was time for me to...

...fuck. There were some orcs in the river.

I turned around to leave. The river was occupied, and the rules...

...wait...why were there orcs in the river? There weren't any orc saints. At least, I didn't think there were.

"Dʰéǵʰom, are there any orc saints?" I thought.

"Not that I know of, and even if there were orc saints, there wouldn't be 27 of them," the god replied.

I counted the orcs in the river. Yup, there were 27 of them. Currently, they were bathing while fully clothed. In fact, they were wearing their full armor and carrying weapons.

"This is weird. I'm going to investigate," I decided.

"Shouldn't you go back and tell someone what you've found?" Dʰéǵʰom questioned.

"That's what the orcs are expecting. Besides, I don't know if they're here on behalf of someone in the camp. Outside of Dalv, I don't really trust any of the saints, and I don't trust him all that much."

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"That's...a good point," the god stated.

I nodded.

"Now, I'm going to disguise myself as a bush," I told him.

So, I grabbed a bush, lifted it up by the roots, and hid myself inside of it. I walked over to the river as low to the ground as possible. About halfway there, one of the orcs turned in my direction.

I stopped dead in my tracks as fast as possible. The orc narrowed his eyes. A grimace crossed his face.

"Hey! That bush wasn't there before!" he shouted.

"Yes, it was!" I yelled back.

"Not, it wasn't!" the orc insisted.

I let out a sigh so deep and audible that the orc could hear it. I'm certain that his allies could hear our conversation.

"Listen, I am the spirit of the woods," I said, recalling that orcs were the descendants of spirits. "I know exactly where every bush and tree grew."

The orc opened his mouth before closing it.

"Well, that makes sense to me. Forest spirits know what they're talking about," he stated.

Then, the orc went right back to bathing. Dʰéǵʰom sighed.

"Why am I not surprised that they fell for this?" he pondered.

"Because you're the God of Exposition," I thought.

"Yes. I was being rhetorical."

I stayed in the bush and spoke again.

"So, what are you orcs doing here, anyway?" I asked.

"What's it look like?" a different orc questioned. "We're bathing."

Well, that confirmed that. But I had a different question in mind too.

"Why are you bathing in full armor with all your weapons?" I questioned.

"So we can wash them too."

He tapped his head.

"You see, humans aren't very smart. They take their armor off while bathing. But if you bathe with all your weapons and armor, you can wash everything at once."

"What happens if you fall into a deep part of the river and drown because your armor weighs you down?" I questioned.

The orcs all paused their bathing. A grim realization crossed their faces. They slowly backed out of the river. I heard Dʰéǵʰom bash his head against something.

"Thank you, wise spirit of the forest!" one of the orcs said. "I was wondering why we keep losing orcs while bathing."

Dʰéǵʰom bashed his head harder.

"So, did you orcs travel all the way here just to bathe in a river? Do you live nearby or something?" I questioned.

"No. We're from the North, very far North. We got here a few weeks ago," the first orc said.

"We're the vanguard of the invasion," another orc bragged.

"Invasion?"

Another nodded.

"Yeah, Doomhell met this saint of some god we've never heard of. I think the god's name was Poseidon or something. Anyway, the saint said that some guy named Saint Gustav is the reason we didn't get a good fight with those human armies. So, we're coming here to kill him."

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Fuck.

"How many orcs are on the way here?" I asked.

"About 10,000 or something," he answered.

"And when will they be getting here?"

"A few days from now."

My stomach formed a pit so large that it might as well have been a black fucking hole. I was beginning to wonder just how fucked I was.

"One last question. Do you have any idea who set up those traps filled with bat guano?"

"Oh, that was us," another orc stated. "The saint of Poseidon said it would be funny if we did that. Don't know why, though."

"Thank you very much, orcs. I, the spirit of the forest, will now depart."

Casting a magic wind spell below me as hard as I could, I blasted myself into the air and towards the camp.