The caravan rode into the capital of the Squat Pad Tribe. I gazed across the city. It looked like something out of a stereotypical Viking movie. There was bark on the wooden sides of the buildings, nothing was painted, the woodwork looked like it had been done by a five-year-old caveman, and none of the wagon wheels had spokes. They were covered in mud from where they sunk into the ground. A horrid stench of sweat wafted into my nose. Turning my head in its direction, I saw a bunch of barbarians working out. So much sweat poured off their bodies that it made a pond under them.

"How the fuck do these people function? This place makes the houses of poor serfs look like palaces," I said.

"The Squat Pad Tribe is the poorest of all the barbarian tribes. After buying workout equipment, they don't have any money left for good buildings," Dʰéǵʰom explained.

"It looks like I'll have to wait to sell the deathworm eyes. Why are these merchants going here any..."

I started, but a realization came to me.

Looking under one of the tarps that covered the goods the merchants were selling, I saw a lot of bodybuilding equipment. I groaned.

"Of course, they're selling workout gear," I said.

"What do most barbarians even do for a living? Their entire society is focused on building muscles," Dimitri pondered.

"I'm not sure. Have any of you spent enough time among the barbarians to know?" Joanna asked.

"They do most of the things everyone else does. There are barbarian carpenters, woodcutters, gong farmers," Astrid said. "They just spend most of their free time working out, and the barbarians who build the most muscles from working out get stronger for a living."

"There are barbarian hunters too. They can shoot powerful bows," Johannes added.

The merchant caravan stopped, and everyone left the cart.

"Now, let's find the tavern. I think that's a good starting point to look for rumors of dragons," I said.

"Should we split up like last time?" Dimitri asked.

"Not yet. I want us to be close in case a dragon attacks. That'll give us a better chance of surviving," I answered.

"Yes. It'll go from a 0% chance to a 1% chance. Truly a marvelous plan," he snarked.

A sigh escaped my mouth.

"We'll split up if we don't find anything in the tavern," I promised.

I started walking at a brisk pace, finding the tavern pretty quickly. Smoke poured out the moment I opened the door. It flowed right into my face. I coughed hard and fast.

Then, I stumbled into the tavern. The inside smelled like cigarettes. I gagged.

"Fuck. I didn't know tobacco existed in this world," I muttered.

"It doesn't," Dʰéǵʰom replied.

I scanned the room for the source of the smoke. There was an open pot right behind the bar. It was roasting over a fire. Several magical cans of beer were inside the pot, boiling. I turned and walked right out of the tavern.

"No, no, no," I said.

"What do you mean?" Joanna asked.

"Fuck the tavern. We're not going in there. I don't care how many rumors of dragons we can find," I answered.

A soft voice came to our ears.

"Rumors of dragons, you say?"

I turned to its source. Before us stood a crooked old man with a crooked cane. He had a crocked mouse on his shoulder. There was a crooked cat by his side.

"Who are you?" I questioned.

"I go bah many names. But you can call me...Crooked Steve," he said.

"Did you hear anything about any dragons, Steve?"

"No one's heard anythin' about dragons 'round these parts in 30 years."

"Fuck! We came all this way for nothing!" I groaned.

"I'm just messin' with ya'. Everyone's talkin' about dragons," Steve said.

"Don't mess with my Lord," Astrid glared.

"It's fine," I said. "Steve, why is everyone talking about dragons?"

"Just a few days ago, there was a fight," Steve replied.

He then just stood there, smiling and not saying anything.

"What happened in the fight?" I asked.

"I'm glad you asked. You see, a dragon came down from the mountain and ate some cows and sheep and chickens and ducks and pigs and horses and..."

"I understand. The dragon ate livestock. Can we move on?" I interrupted him.

"Sure thing, Lord. Now, the locals didn't quite like this."

Stolen content warning: this tale belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences elsewhere.

"Thank you, King of Obviousland," Dimitri rolled his eyes.

"I'm just messin' with you. The locals loved it because the dragon paid a lot of money for their animals," Steve said.

"A dragon that actually spends their horde? That's a great sign!" I thought.

"That's when the fight came. A bunch o' idiots thought they could take the dragon, make a name for themselves," Steve stated.

"They wanted to make names for themselves? Did they want to get in duels?" Astrid wondered.

"No, not at all."

"Why else would you want to make a name for yourself?" she asked.

"To get laid, o' course," he answered.

"Does that really work?" Astrid pondered.

"You're with me, aren't you?" Johannes said.

"But we haven't had sex yet."

"We will eventually. It works."

"That's a good point," Astrid admitted.

"I'm glad Johannes didn't bring up all the other women he's slept with," I thought.

"You're assuming Johannes had sex with any of the women who wanted him," Dʰéǵʰom said.

"He didn't?"

"It might seem strange, but Johannes is a bit of a romantic. He wants love before sex, which is why he's sticking with Astrid. They're practically made for each other."

"Anyway," Steve continued. "They fought the dragon. They hurt it, but it ate them. And now, everyone's takin' about it."

"Thank you, Steve. Do you know where the dragon lives?" I asked.

"Right up there."

He pointed at a mountain.

"Alright, let's get going," I said. "We have a mountain to get to."

I started walking away with my party.

"Let's find someone else to talk to. If Steve's telling the truth, we can ask anyone on the street to learn about the dragon," I stated.

Sure enough, Steve was telling the truth. We left the city to go to the mountain. It was close enough that we were able to walk to it in under an hour after I bought Astrid a new greatsword. Then, we looked up.

The mountain loomed over us, so high that its peak was obscured by clouds. I saw snow coating the mountain like a white blanket. Massive jagged rocks filled the lower parts of the mountain.

I cast a spell to enhance my eyesight and gazed further. Smaller jagged rocks covered most of the mountain. These rocks stopped for a moment on an area about halfway to its peak. A cave was nestled in the mountain there. It was big enough for a dragon to fit through.

"The dragon's probably in that cave, but it'll be dangerous to climb up there," I said.

"And if the dragon decides to attack us while we're climbing, we won't be able to defend ourselves," Joanna noted.

I stood there, contemplating. We needed a way to get up to the cave quickly, but how? Magic was one option. But the dragon might think we're aggressive. And besides, I still wanted to avoid putting everyone else in danger. Numerous options floated through my mind before a grimace crossed my face. I hated having to resort to using an English weapon, but at least I'd combine it with a French invention.

"I have a plan. Are there any villages around here where we could get a lot of cheap labor?" I asked.

"In the capital, I heard some people talking about a very poor village called Selfaeta. It's nearby, and we can probably hire some people for less money there than we could in the city," Astrid answered.

"We should be careful. I heard Selfaeta's infested with cannibals," Dimitri said.

"Let me ask about it," I said before thinking. "Dʰéǵʰom, is the village of Selfaeta filled with cannibals?"

"No. They stopped being cannibals a few hundred years ago," the god replied.

"Dʰéǵʰom says it's fine. Now, for phase two of my plan, Joanna, how much control do you have over your wind magic?"

"A lot," she stated.

"Do you have enough control to manipulate an object as it blows through the air?" I asked.

"That depends on the object," Joanna answered.

"A giant piece of fabric with someone hanging from it."

"I have no idea."

"Then, we'll have to try," I said.

"Dʰéǵʰom, do the people of this world have the technology to make parachutes? I mean, if I gave them the design of a parachute, could they make one that works?" I thought.

"Yes, but it would take a few tries for them to get it right."

"Thanks," I replied.

Then, I spoke to everyone.

"I have an invention from my previous world that could help us and revolutionize travel in this world. It's called a parachute," I said.

"That's the piece of fabric you were talking about, right?" Joanna asked.

"Yes. In the world I lived in before reincarnating, people flew using machines like how people here use dragons to fly. Parachutes were made so that people who fell from those machines wouldn't crash to the ground. The parachute would slow their descent," I explained.

"I understand. You want to ride on a dragon and use a parachute to go to the cave. But we won't be able to get a smaller dragon to fly here," Dimitri stated.

"That's not my plan. You see, my plan has one last step in it. I just need to ask Dʰéǵʰom to make sure it'll work," I said.

Then, I thought, "Dʰéǵʰom, could a parachute made in the materials available in this world and strengthened by magic survive getting thrown out of a 120-meter tall trebuchet?"

"I'm in the middle of a meeting right now. I'll talk to you later," the god replied.

I sat down on a rock.

"What did he say?" Joanna asked.

"He said he's at a meeting and will talk to me later," I answered.

"Well, might as well relax while we wait," Dimitri said.

Then, he walked over to a tree, sat down, and leaned back against it. I stood up as an idea crossed my mind.

"Astrid, Johannes, you've been reading those books I gave you, right?"

"We have, my Lord," Astrid stated.

"Let's see if you two can use magic at all," I said. "Come over here and hold your hands out. Palms up."

Johannes and Astrid did as I instructed.

"Now, concentrate on your palms. Focus as hard as you can. Remember the magical instructions you read in those books," I said.

The two of them furrowed their brows. Their eyes focused on their palms. I saw a faint glow radiating from their hands. Moving closer to them, I felt a warmth. A smile crossed my face.

"Reach deep into your mind while concentrating. Think of something that's important to you, something that you get strength and comfort from, something that's fundamental to your very existence. Draw on that strength and conjure it."

An inky black substance squirted from Johannes' hands. It flew right into my face, coating it. Astrid let out a yelp of shock as a chunk of metal flew out of her hands and beaned me in the forehead. I gave them both a thumbs up.

"Good job! You can use magic!" I said.

"Are you alright, my Lord?" Johannes asked.

"My Lord, I'm so sorry," Astrid stated.

"Don't worry about it. I'm just happy that you can use magic," I replied.

I wiped the black stuff off my face.

"So, Astrid, you created metal because you thought of swords. Is that right?" I questioned.

"It is, my Lord," she nodded.

"Then what were you thinking of, Johannes?"

"Squid ink," he said.

"What? Squid ink?" Dimitri fell from his seat. "Why squid ink?"

"Have you been to the Southern City States?" Johannes asked.

"No."

"They eat pasta with squid ink there. It's my favorite food."

"Gustav, what's going on?" Dʰéǵʰom's voice came into my head.

"Everyone, hold on a second. Dʰéǵʰom called me," I said before thinking. "We need to get halfway up a mountain to a cave. Climbing isn't a good idea, and I don't have many other options. So, I want to build the Warwolf, the largest trebuchet ever made. I'll get inside of it and launch myself into the air. Then, I'll use a parachute to slow my fall. Joanna can use her wind magic to guide me to the cave."

There was a moment of silence. My years of experience with Dʰéǵʰom told me that he was taking in what I just said.

"That is completely insane," Dʰéǵʰom stated. "And also really cool."

"I know, right?"

"You shouldn't even bother trying it. It's a terrible idea."

"Is it a worse idea than going to a dragon's cave and trying to get it to start an insurance business?"

"Yes. Gustav, you're getting desperate."

"I know that better than anyone else. If you have any better ideas, I'm all ears."

"Give me a few minutes. I'll come up with something that won't get you killed."