I was flying through the air, wondering how my life choices led to this situation. Then, a giant bat flew up, grabbed me, and took me to the ground. We landed in the place where Dalv, Baron Fridus, and I were camping.

Then, the bat turned into Dalv. Baron Fridus ran over with a look of concern on his face.

"Gustav, what possibly could have compelled you to actually go through with your plan of launching yourself in the air with wind magic?" Dalv asked.

"Here's a better question," I answered. "If you could turn into a giant bat, why didn't you just do that and fly us both here?"

Baron Fridus spoke up.

"He didn't turn into a giant bat. I used my magic to turn him into one," he said.

I nodded.

"Okay, that answers that question, now to answer Drac's question," I said. "I have good news, bad news, and worse news."

Dalv let out a deep sigh. Baron Fridus looked even more concerned than before. As the vampire lightly facepalmed, he spoke.

"Let's get the worst news out of the way first," he stated.

"They're the ones who did it," I replied.

A moment of silence passed. Looks of confusion crossed Dalv and Fridus' faces.

"What kind of answer was that?" Fridus wondered.

"I thought Dalv would have asked about the good news first," I said. "It would have made more sense if he went in order from good to bad."

Fridus looked at me with a dumbfounded expression on his face. Dalv merely sighed and spoke.

"What's the good news?" he asked.

"I found out who set up those bat guano traps."

Dalv nodded. I saw a flicker of interest in his eyes, but his expression remained stoic.

"And the bad news?"

"An army of orcs is coming here to kill me, and they'll probably try to kill everyone else here too," I explained. "They also teamed up with a child-murdering demigod of Poseidon to do it."

Fridus turned pale.

"Poseidon? A demigod son of Poseidon? Oh, Krewh, no," he said.

Dalv scratched his chin, a contemplative expression crossing his face.

"Tell me, Gustav, are these the same orcs that were scared off by your dragon?" the Voivode asked.

"Yes," I answered.

Dalv nodded.

"That explains why they hold a grudge against you. And I suspect the demigod of Poseidon has his own reasons to," he said.

"Well, he tried to kill me," I replied. "And I kicked him in the balls."

"Yes, that would do it," Dalv nodded.

Fridus turned to him.

"Dalv, what are our chances against an army of orcs?" he asked.

"Next to nothing in a straight fight, especially if their leader is Doomhell," Dalv answered. "And our chances are that low if the other saints all help us. Should the orcs make it to the camp, they will probably flee to save themselves."

I could tell Drac's keen strategic mind was working in overdrive.

"And we won't be able to get an army here in time to stop them. Therefore, that leaves us with only one solution," he said.

A wide grin crossed Dalv face. It was filled with brutality and sadistic glee.

"We challenge Doomhell and this son of Poseidon to a two on two duel! To the death!" Dalv declared. "We can eliminate them both at once!"

I nodded.

"And who is we?" I asked.

"You and me against Doomhell and the son of Poseidon," he answered.

Well, fuck.

"I'm not sure if I can defeat the son of Poseidon," I said.

"You don't have to defeat him," Dalv replied. "You have to survive him. I can kill Doomhell and then we can finish his ally off together."

That...was somewhat reassuring. But I was still sweating with nervousness.

"Right. I just have to survive fighting a demigod of Poseidon while you take on an orc leader," I nodded. "Should I order my coffin in advance or..."

Dalv scoffed.

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"Don't be a coward, Gustav. You'd end up in a duel to the death sooner or later. Just be grateful that you have me on your side," he said.

Dʰéǵʰom's voice entered my head.

"You don't have to worry, Gustav. I'm sure everything will be fine."

"Yeah, I'm sure it will," I thought while keeping myself from shivering in fear.

Then, Dalv grabbed my hand and pulled me forward.

"Come. Let us find these orcs," the Voivode stated.

There was no point in misdirecting him. Dalv would figure it out quickly enough. We ended up at the river where the orcs were now...playing volleyball in their full armor. The moment they saw me, one of the orcs pointed.

"Everyone! It's the spirit of the forest! He's back!" the orc said.

Dalv stopped dead in his tracks. He looked right at me.

"The spirit of the forest?" complete and utter confusion crossed his face.

That was when my brain started doing things. I came up with a way to completely avoid getting into a duel. It would involve doing something arguably even more dangerous, but it would also put us in a situation that I'm more capable of dealing with than a duel.

"Yes! I am the spirit of the forest!" I said while folding my arms. "And you orcs have made me very mad!"

The orcs turned pale with fear. They shared looks of utter terror. Dalv glanced between them and me.

"I'm Dalv Sepet. I impale people who make me mad, and orcs count as people," he said.

"Oh, no! We angered the spirit of the forest!" one orc shouted.

"What will our ancestors think?" another spoke.

I stood with as much smugness as I could possibly muster.

"That's right!" I said. "You've angered me! And I will use my spirit powers to make your lives mildly inconvenient if you don't appease me!"

"Not mild inconvenience!" another orc shouted with terror in his eyes.

Dalv threw his arms into the air.

"You impale people, you build up a reputation as someone terrifying, and it does nothing for orcs. But mild inconvenience makes them shit themselves," he complained.

Then, Dalv placed a hand on his chin.

"Though I am not one to deny that Gu...the forest spirit can be terrifying."

A foul smell came up from the orcs.

"The guy who impales people is afraid of the spirit of the forest!" one of them said. "He's even scarier than I thought!"

Dalv almost facepalmed. But he managed to retain his composure. Inside my head, I heard Dʰéǵʰom laughing his ass off.

"So, are you okay with me impersonating a spirit?" I thought.

"This forest doesn't even have a spirit," Dʰéǵʰom replied between chuckles. "Go ahead."

I made as dignified a stance as I possibly could.

"Do not underestimate my spirit powers! I can fly and stuff!" I said.

"Oh no, he can fly and stuff!" an orc shouted in a panic.

The orcs got on their knees, bowing before more. They trembled with fear as I stood before them. Dalv looked like his brain just broke.

"Please, spirit! What can we do to appease you, to avoid the mild inconvenience of your wrath?" one of them asked.

I made a grand sweeping gesture of my hand.

"Take me to your leader," I ordered. "Tell him that the spirit of the forest is not pleased with his actions!"

The orcs stood up, grabbed me, and started running. Dalv moved fast to follow them.

"Don't worry, spirit! We'll bring you to our leader!" one said.

"King Doomhell'll listen to ya', I promise!" another added.

Dalv looked at me as if I was either a genius or a madman, and he couldn't tell which it was. I also realized that I'm getting increasingly good at reading people. Either that or Dalv wasn't even bothering to hide his thoughts.

The orcs ran for six hours straight with Dalv following them. At the end of it, they were so tired they could barely move. But we were right outside of a ramshackle palisade with a pair of orcs standing guard at its gate.

"Halt! What are you guys doin' back so soon?" one of the guard orcs asked.

"The spirit of the forest is mad at us!" an orc carrying me replied.

Fear coated the orc guards. They shared a look before gazing at the orcs.

"Who's that human you're carrying?" one asked.

"That's not a human," an orc carrying me answered. "That's the spirit of the forest."

The other gate guard pointed at Dalv.

"And who's that?" he questioned.

Looking at Dalv and then back at the guard, the lead orc carrying me shrugged.

"I don't know. He came with the spirit, so I think he works for him or something."

The gate guard nodded.

"Alright. We'll let them in."

They opened the gate, and the orcs carried me inside. The interior of the orc camp was ramshackle, filled with lean-to made of bark and various random bits of clutter on the ground. Dalv looked like he was going to have a heart attack from how disorganized it was.

Eventually, we were brought to a large area with a throne on one end of it. A massive orc sat on it with several orc women lying beside him. The orcs carrying me collapsed onto the ground, and I jumped off them.

"Who's this little human?" the massive orc asked.

"That's no human!" one orc from the ground answered. "He's the spirit of the forest, King Doomhell, and he's pissed!"

I nodded.

"He's right! I am a very angry spirit!" I declared with absolute confidence.

The orc on the throne, King Doomhell, nodded. I could see a flicker of fear in his eyes, but he didn't show it. Instead, the orc king nodded with respect before speaking.

"You're a forest spirit? Well, no orc king's dumb enough to disrespect a spirit. What are you mad about?"

"You are planning on spilling blood in my forest!" I declared. "That is an unacceptable affront to me!"

King Doomhell nodded.

"So, we should strangle the people we're trying to kill?" he asked.

Thankfully, in the six hours I was on the orcs, I had a lot of time to think about this. And I already had a response for that.

"Nope. They'd just spill some of your blood while you try," I answered. "Even if you could defeat them, it's not going to be bloodless."

King Doomhell gazed at the orcs around him. I did the same. They all looked like they were scared shitless. His face then turned to me, cold and calculating. Or at least as calculating as an orc could be.

"We have a good reason for this. It's for revenge. Revenge on the human who stopped us from getting a good fight with three kingdoms," he said.

"I understand your reason," I replied. "I also do not care. I am the spirit of the forest, not someone you can negotiate with. And if you anger me, I will mildly inconvenience you."

King Doomhell looked at Dalv. The massive orc shivered.

"You've got Voivode Sepet with you. You must be a strong spirit if you have him on your side," he noted.

Doomhell let out a sigh so deep that I thought he might start choking from lack of breath.

"I don't want to be mildly inconvenienced, and my orcs don't either. We'll just have to fight some other orcs instead," the king stated.

And then, just as things seemed resolved, a loud voice echoed through the camp.

"I'm back, baby!"

It was the familiar voice of the son and saint of Poseidon. Dalv grimaced. I could tell he was getting ready to reach for his sword, but I held up a hand and he stopped.

Dalv saw the massive grin on my face, and he gave me a smile back. I could tell that the Voivode of Weltai knew exactly what I was thinking.

"Checkmate, son of Poseidon. I've got you now, you bastard."