We arrived at the Mr. and Mrs. Barbarian contest without any difficulty. Numerous muscular men and women surrounded us. I walked past a guy with biceps the size of my entire body and a woman with a twelve-pack of abs. Every barbarian was wearing some fantasy barbarian garb, like chainmail bikinis or fur skirts.

“There are a lot of strong people here,” Astrid noted. "It must be true that the barbarian tribes spend most of their time working out."

“They’re wasting their time. It didn’t make them better fighters,” I said.

“All those muscles must get in the way of their movements?” she guessed.

“Exactly. They have trouble swinging weapons in every direction with those muscles,” I stated.

“It’s ironic. Getting stronger made them weaker in a way,” Johannes said.

“It worked out for them for a while,” Joanna explained. “Until His Majesty figured out that their muscles didn’t make them better fighters.”

“Hey, as long as it makes us money, I’m good,” Donny smiled.

“You should start by asking the winner of the Mr. Barbarian Contest to act in your play. Then, look at the previous years’ winners,” I advised. “That’ll bring the most money into your play.”

“And who wants to deal with a bunch of losers, anyway?”

A boy my age with a dark countenance walked over to us.

“Be careful who you call a loser. You might join them someday,” he advised.

“Like I’d ever be a loser,” Donny said.

“You’re short, fat, and hanging out with an insane person who travels around with a minotaur,” the boy stated. “I’d say you’re already halfway there.”

“Saint Gustav, should I punish this insult for you?” Astrid reached for her sword.

“No,” I sighed. “And I think you’re going a bit too far, Dimitri.”

Shock covered everyone’s faces.

“I’m surprised you recognized me after all these years, Saint Gustav,” Dimitri said.

“Who else but you would be an absolute savage to someone who’s traveling with a minotaur?” I asked.

“Fair enough.”

“Now, how did you recognize me?”

“Who else but you would travel around with a minotaur?” Dimitri smiled.

“Fair enough,” I said. “And his name’s Dr. Asterios Minos.”

“A doctor? I didn’t think there were any non-vampire doctors around anymore,” he stated.

“He’s not a medical doctor. He’s a doctor of engineering, architecture, and classical literature.”

"It seems I underestimated the good doctor. I hope you can forgive me, Dr. Minos," Dimitri said.

The minotaur gave him a thumbs up.

Astrid knelt before Dimitri.

"I'm honored to meet you, my lord," she stated.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Astrid. I'm a retainer of Saint Gustav," she replied.

"Please don't comment on how beautiful she is. She's already in a relationship with my other retainer," I said.

"You don't need to worry about that. I only like women with lots of muscles or at least abs," Dimitri stated.

Everyone except Dr. Minos and I looked like Dimitri like he was some sort of weirdo.

"Anyway, Gustav, what are you doing here? I didn't think you'd be the sort of person who'd travel to a land that your king's been invading just to see a show," Dimitri said.

"I'm not. I'm here because..." I paused to think. "Should I tell him about my family's situation?"

"Do you know if you can trust him?" Dʰéǵʰom said.

"Even if I can trust him as a person, he's from another kingdom. If things go bad, he could use my family's situation against us," I thought before speaking. "I'm here to get rich."

"We're gonna find the perfect lead for my recorded plays," Donnie stated.

"Motion pictures," I said.

"Ah, that new crystal ball technology. I've heard about it before, but I've never seen it. And I must say that motion picture is a very fitting name," Dimitri nodded.

"Call them movies if motion picture is too long," I added.

"We're gonna get someone with big muscles to really yank in the crowds," Donnie said.

"You're going to force people to watch your play?" Dimitri asked.

"I'm not gonna do that. It's just an expression."

"I see. Why do you want to get rich anyway, Gustav? Your family is very wealthy," Dimitri pointed out.

"You could always use more money, and I don't want to raise taxes," I said.

"Well, you're in luck," Dimitri smiled. "The barbarian king wants to show everyone how rich he is, so he's giving prizes to everyone who competes, regardless of how badly they lose."

My jaw dropped.

"Yes! Yes! Yes! This is fucking perfect!" I shouted.

"Calm down, Gustav. The prizes won't be that much, so don't get your hopes up," Dʰéǵʰom said.

"It's either compete and get prizes or watch and get nothing. So, I don't really care how good they are," I thought.

Dimitri walked over to Dr. Minos.

"Hey, are minotaur girls muscular?" he asked.

Dr. Minos gave him a thumbs up.

"You all!" I pointed at my retainers. "Are competing in the Mr. and Mrs. Barbarian Contest! I am too! That's an order!"

"This is going to be entertaining," Dimitri smirked. "I wish you the best of luck, Gustav. I'll be watching."

I stood shirtless on a grand platform. Dr. Minos was to my right, and Johannes to my left. Numerous muscular barbarians were next to them. We stood in a line with a crowd in front of us.

Donny was also next to Johannes.

"What the hell am I even doing here? I'm short and fat!" Donny complained.

"I don't know what you're doing here either," I said.

"Didn't you order us to compete?" he asked.

"I ordered my retainers to compete. I don't have any right to order you too," I answered.

"But...but..." Donnie groaned. "Dammit all, I should've asked you if you were ordering me too."

"It's a good thing the Mr. Barbarian contest isn't at the same time as the Mrs. Barbarian contest," Johannes said.

He then waved at Astrid, who was sitting in the crowd. She blushed and waved back.

"I want to cheer for Astrid," Johannes stated.

"I'm sure she feels the same way," I smiled.

"And to think that when we first met, she wanted to challenge me to a duel," he said.

"You figured that out?" shock covered my face.

"No. Astrid told me on our way here. She also told me she was glad we didn't actually fight," Johannes replied.

"It must be nice to be in a loving relationship," I thought.

"There's always your cousin," Dʰéǵʰom's laughter rang in my ears.

"I don't need to take that from someone who isn't in a relationship."

"I'm not a cheater like Zeus. As long as I'm not with someone, I can sleep around as much as I want."

"Wow. You're a man whore," I smirked.

"At least I got laid," Dʰéǵʰom replied.

A barbarian so big that I mistook him for a giant stepped on stage.

"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the 205th annual Mr. and Mrs. Barbarian competition!" he announced.

The crowd erupted into cheering. He spoke again when they calmed down.

"I would like to thank His Majesty, High King Ragnar Bench Press, for sponsoring our most glorious contest!"

Another round of applause rang out.

"We have a glorious showing of glorious manly men today! Not just men from our tribes, but from around the world! Even a minotaur's joined us!"

There was an even greater round of applause.

"Why are they happy that foreigners are competing?" I thought.

"They're probably happy that people outside of their homeland are interested in their stuff," Dʰéǵʰom replied.

"Have you considered changing your title from the God of Humanity to the God of Exposition?"

"I AM the God of Exposition. You can be a god of multiple things."

The barbarian swung his arm to the side, creating a gust of wind.

"For the newcomers in the audience, I will explain how this contest works. There are 8 competitions for our contestants. The contests have their own separate prizes! And whoever gets the most total points from all the contests becomes Mr. or Mrs. Barbarian! No magic is allowed, just muscles!"

After more applause, a shorter barbarian came onto the stage.

"First, we have the ab contest! Our professional ab rater, Gunnar of the Deadlift Tribe, will rate our contestants on a scale of 1 to 100. You can get up to 50 points for the number of abs, 30 points for the hardness, and 20 points for other features," the announcer stated.

"A professional ab rater? How do you get that job?" Johannes asked. "It sounds great."

"It can't be that hard, at least," Donny admitted.

"Saint Gustav, can you ask Dʰéǵʰom how you get to be a professional ab rater?" Johannes requested.

"Sure," I spoke before thinking. "Dʰéǵʰom, how can..."

"I heard him. I might be the God of Exposition, but I have no fucking idea. I don't even know what kind of lunatic came up with that job," he said.

"Probably someone who wanted to get their abs rated," I thought.

"What did he say?" Johannes asked.

"He said that even gods don't know everything," I answered.

The ab rater walked down the lineup. He observed each set of abs with great detail, counting and pressing his hand against them. Then, he reached Dr. Minos.

"Six pack of abs, good start. That's 20 points. Let's see how firm they are," Gunnar said.

He felt Dr. Minos' abs.

"Good firmness, but not perfect. I'll give you a 25 for that. Now, for miscellaneous."

Gunnar leaned in close and looked at Dr. Minos' abs.

"Good form, bit too curved, fur getting in the way of showing all the details...10 points for a total of 55," Gunnar stated.

He then moved on to me.

"A six-pack. that's a 20."

"Yes! Thank the gods that dieting and exercise get you abs, and you don't need to be a bodybuilder for them!" I thought.

"I'll relay that message to Prometheus," Dʰéǵʰom replied.

Gunnar touched my abs.

"Pretty firm. 20," he said. "Now, for other details."

He looked very closely.

"Good form, not very curved, very well defined. That's a 15 from me. You got a total of 65."

"Yes! Yes! Yes! I'll get something decent for this!" I thought.

Gunnar went over to Johannes next.

"8-pack abs. That's a 30 points."

He felt the abs.

"Very firm. You don't look like you do our muscle-building exercises. You must fight monsters or something. 30 points. Good form, but a bit too curved. Very well defined. 20 point. You got a total of 80 points."

I gave Johannes a thumbs up. Johannes gave one back before waving to Astrid again.

Then, Gunnar moved on to Donnie. He took one look at him.

"1 point," the ab rater said.

He went to the next barbarian.

There was a break between the different competitions. My entourage gathered together.

"I got a bag of silver," I said.

"I got a bag of gold," Johannes stated.

Dr. Minos held up a bag of copper.

"They gave me a fucking rock!" Donnie complained.

"That seems familiar," I noted. "Are you going to say "good grief?""

"Why would I say that?"

"So, what will we do with these?" Johannes asked.

"I'm going to use my silver to benefit my house. As for your prizes, they're yours. You can keep them if you want," I said.

"Saint Gustav," Donnie's face was red, but he kept his tone polite. "You're letting us keep what we win?"

"Yes. I won't use my power as a lord saint to cheat people out of their earnings."

"Then why did you order your retainers to compete in the first place?"

"That's a good point. I was so ready to get money that I didn't think things through," I said.

"At least you didn't try to feed anyone snails this time," Dʰéǵʰom stated.

Donnie groaned.

"Of course, if none of you want your prize, feel free to give them to me," I suggested.

"Here, your saintliness. Take this glorious rock as a tribute to your honor," Donnie said.

He gave me the rock.

"Thank you. Now, I doubt this will sell for much. I'll need to think of something else I can do with it. I could throw it at someone really hard, but what's the point of that when I can shoot fireballs?" I contemplated.

"I'll take it if you don't want it," Johannes said.

I gave the rock to him.

"Thank you, my lord," he bowed.

"Are rocks that good?" Astrid asked.

"Yes. You can throw them at the eyes of monsters. It might not kill them, but it'll at least do some damage before you close in," Johannes answered. "I use them all the time."

"Well, that makes sense," Donnie nodded.

"They also make great pillows."