We stood before a massive cave entrance. Spikes jutted from the top like the teeth of some massive monster. The darkness was so deep that it looked like the empty void of space.
"That darkness is so thick that it looks like you could cut through it with a sword," Astrid muttered under her breath.
"Not the analogy I would use, but I approve," I said.
Sir Wilhelm then rode over and cut the darkness with his sword. A thin line formed in it, light leaking in. Shock hit me like a hurricane.
"I didn't know darkness could literally get that thick," I stated.
"I didn't either," Astrid replied.
"It's magical darkness," Sir Wilhelm explained. "And I'm not literally cutting through it. My sword is enchanted so it'll act like a key."
Dʰéǵʰom's voice came into my head.
"That reminds me of something," he said.
"Me too. Those weird pistol keys they made for prison guards from the 16 to 1800s," I thought.
"I meant a certain game series."
"Wow. You really are the God of Exposition. I didn't think you knew about that weird stuff my high school gamemaster came up with."
Dʰéǵʰom sighed.
"Are you trolling me again?" he asked.
"No, but I think my high school GM was trolling the rest of us. His adventure was pretty weird. I mean, he had a GMPC that was a talking dog with the face of a hippo. Who comes up with that crap?" I wondered.
"I don't know whether I should be thankful or disappointed that you don't know what I'm talking about," Dʰéǵʰom said.
While I was talking to a god, Sir Wilhelm turned his sword. The deeper darkness disappeared. It was replaced with normal, mundane darkness. Then, the knight turned to us.
"I'm going to cast a spell now. It'll let all of us see in the darkness just fine while protecting our eyes from...well, you'll see," Sir Wilhelm stated.
He raised his hands to the sky, and a white light washed over us. I could see the inside of the cave clear as day. It was a perfectly normal cave, just a really large one.
"Well, that's disappointing," I thought.
"Good. Maybe that'll encourage you to get this deal made sooner. The sooner we're done with the Dark Elves, the better," Dʰéǵʰom said.
Sir Wilhelm rode forward, moving with a few guards with the rest of us behind him. Our horses moved over the stone floor of the cave. I took a look behind us as we moved. The tunnel was more than large enough to fit our horses and carriages in.
We rode down a gradual slope. It felt a bit surreal, going slowly down far below the sun. A giant centipede crawled on a cave wall, feasting on a lizard. I had never been in a cave before, and even though Sir Wilhelm's spell made it so I could see just fine, it still creeped me out. Then, I saw a pond filled with fish with transparent skin. I could see some of their organs.
"I think Sir Wilhelm's spell just made things worse," I thought.
"You'll see more animals like these," Dʰéǵʰom said.
"Oh, fuck."
"In your old world, they were called troglobites. It means an animal that only lives in caves. That centipede was a troglobite too even though it looked like a normal centipede. In your old world, most troglobites are completely harmless."
"But I live in a place with monsters," I thought.
We turned around a sharp corner, and there was a sudden flash of light as a wave of heat washed over me. If Sir Wilhelm hadn't cast that spell, my eyes would have felt like they were on fire.
There was a large stone wall in front of us. A massive glowing crystal hung from the cavern ceiling above it.
"Dʰéǵʰom, what is that?" I thought.
"I don't know. I'm the god of exposition, but I never looked into the Dark Elves. I'm sorry, but I can't help you here," he said.
Fuck.
"That's fine. You've already done more than enough," I thought.
My eyes turned to the top of the wall. A group of figures in mail armor stood on top of it. Most of them had longbows ready to draw back, but a few pointed open hands at us. They were all women with grey or pitch-black skin. The girl in the most decorated armor called out.
"Who goes here?" she asked.
Sir Wilhelm turned to me and nodded. I rode forward. Then, I took a deep breath before speaking.
"I am Saint Sir Gustav, Lord von Blitzburg. I am a Saint of Dʰéǵʰom, the God of Humanity. I am here on a diplomatic mission from His Majesty, King Eduard the Defenestrater of Greenrivers. I humbly request a meeting with your queen," I called out.
There was a commotion on the parapets. The woman in the decorated armor walked out of view. Then, a section of the wall disappeared, revealing a gate. It opened wide.
The decorated woman walked out of it. She was flanked by a grand procession of guards carrying spears. Sir Wilhelm rode forward and handed her a letter. Opening it, the girl examined its contents.
Then, she turned to me. The woman took off her helmet, revealing pointed ears and pure white hair, and knelt before me. Her guards did the same. A moment of silence passed before I realized what they were looking for.
"You may speak," I told her before thinking. "I need to remember how religious the Dark Elves are. To religious humans, saints might as well be dukes if we're talking about social status. And Dark Elves apparently make them look like atheists."
"Praise thee, Saint Gustav! Though Dʰéǵʰom is not one of our gods, all saints are welcome amongst us Dark Elves," the woman said.
If you encounter this narrative on Amazon, note that it's taken without the author's consent. Report it.
"Thank you. What's your name?" I replied.
"I art Barsom Kless kru Shack. In thine tongue, it translates to Baroness Carrie of the Shack, a crude surname from mine High Elf ancestors."
"How the fuck does Kless translate to Carrie?" I thought.
Dʰéǵʰom sighed.
"I have no fucking idea," he said.
After thinking fast, I spoke.
"I wish to address you by your native name. Should I call you Barsom Shack, Barsom Kless, or something else?" I asked.
"Just Kless wouldst be fine. I am unworthy of a saint saying mine title," she answered.
"Alright. Kless it is, then."
Then, I pulled out the jar of toenail clippings.
"These are Dʰéǵʰom's toenail clippings," I lied. "I hope that they will be safe here. Who knows what kind of sick bastard would want to steal these?"
Kless jumped up, clapping her hands in joy. An ear-to-ear grin formed on her face.
"Oh, happy days! To think, I'd meet a human who ist mildly religious! Most of thine kind lack appreciation for the gods," she said.
The Dark Elf reached into her robes and pulled out a jar of something white. I breathed a sigh of relief when I saw that it was not a liquid.
"Thou needst not worry, Saint Gustav. No one wouldst steal from a saint, and thou art amongst kindred spirits here," Kless said. "This ist a jar of H₂éyos' dandruff. In mine fortress, I also hath shoes made from H₃rḗǵs foreskin and a pool filled with Nakki's bathwater."
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" I thought.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Dʰéǵʰom joined my internal screaming.
Kless smiled.
"Perhaps thou wouldst wish to join me in mine pool later?" she asked.
"Please say no. Tell her that I'm having an argument with Nakki," Dʰéǵʰom said.
I took a bow.
"I'm afraid I must humbly refuse. Dʰéǵʰom is in a dispute with Nakki, and he doesn't want me to go into the pool," I stated.
"'tis a shame, but we must respect the will of the gods," Kless said. "But Her Majesty hast a pool filled with Nakki and Zahhia's bathwater from whenst they take baths together."
A dreaded thought came to me.
"Dʰéǵʰom, who's Zahhia?" I asked.
"Nakki's husband," he answered.
"Please tell me it isn't really their bath water, that it's just normal water and someone's ripping off the Dark Elves."
"I don't know. And frankly, I don't want to know," Dʰéǵʰom said.
Using all of my willpower, I pretended to go from happy to sad and disappointed.
"Maybe another time. As much as I'd love to swim in the bathwater of the gods, I am here on business from my king. I don't think I'll have time for that," I stated.
"Mayhaps, and mayhaps not," Kless replied. "It depends on the will of our queen. I hath a place where thou canst stay while waiting for Her Majesty's acceptance of thine audience."
I gave her my best smile.
"Thank you. Where is this place?" I asked.
"'tis our temple of all the gods. Even gods we Dark Elves doth not worship art there for the sake of travelers. Thine compansions shall stay in the grand hall of mine own castle, but I art certain a saint such as thineself would prefer to sleep in a temple," Kless answered.
"I would be honored to sleep there," I said.
"Then I shall guide thee."
With that, Kless led us through the gate and into a city. It was about half the size of Blitzburg, but most of the buildings were entirely made of stone. Some of them were even carved into the cave walls. I'd say about 10% of the structures had any wood in them.
"Woobong ist a wealthy city. Wood ist rare in these lands. Normally, only nobles hath houses of wood. But here, even wealthy merchants own wooden houses," Kless explained.
Most of these 'wooden houses' had only 1 thing made of wood. Like, a single porch or part of the roof. Almost none were made entirely out of wood.
Aside from the wood, there was a surprising amount of color in the city. Numerous buildings were decorated with gold, silver, and other metals. Various glowing crystals washed districts of Woobong in different colors of light. Every single Dark Elf I saw wore some sort of jewelry. I noticed that the men wore more jewels than the women did.
Then, my attention focused on the crystals. Even with Sir Wilhelm's spell, I could tell they were incredibly bright. There were also a lot of them scattered across the city. They weren't as common as street lights, but they lit far more.
"Dʰéǵʰom, I think I figured out why the Dark Elves have dark skin even though they live in caves," I thought.
"Could you tell someone else? I don't want to think about them," Dʰéǵʰom said.
"Does anyone here know what UV radiation is?"
"They don't."
The god sounded interested.
"Go on," he said.
"Maybe those crystals produce ultraviolet radiation? It's what causes skin to tan, and darker skin evolved in humans to protect the skin from UV radiation in areas with particularly harsh sunlight. Maybe the Dark Elves' skin color is to protect them from these crystals?" I thought.
"That's an interesting theory. Considering how there don't seem to be any other sources of light down here, you're probably right," Dʰéǵʰom stated.
We arrived at a massive building that stretched all the way to the cave roof. It was made of wood, painted in dozens of different colors, and had images of various gods carved into its exterior. The structure had a massive door, decorated with numerous images of gods doing god things like creating the world.
"This ist the temple of all gods. There ist not a single stone in it," Kless bragged.
"It must have cost a lot to make," I said.
"The cost is of no concern. For the honor of the gods, nothing ist too great. If the gods wished it, I wouldst keep a vigilant eye on them at all times. Mine gaze wouldst not stray, even when they were't sleeping," she replied.
"I think that's what you want, not the gods," I thought.
"I agree," Dʰéǵʰom said.
Still, I gave Kless a warm smile.
"If only everyone was as devoted to the gods as you are," I told her.
She bowed.
"To hear such words of praise from a saint honors me. Being amongst humans must hath been truly frustrating for thee."
"Most humans simply don't think about gods the way Dark Elves do," I said.
"Still, humans such as thineself are a credit to thine kind," Kless said.
I groaned internally.
"Dʰéǵʰom, you're not the only one hoping that we can get this over with soon," I thought.
"Good," he replied.
Kless knocked on the door of the temple. It opened, and several priestesses stepped outside. She spoke to them in the Dark Elf language. The priestesses looked at me with awe.
"Please, come into our temple. We'd be honored if thou stayst the night here," one of them said.
I stepped inside. The interior of the temple was a network of hallways, rooms, and corridors. It reminded me of an ant colony. Some ways went up, others down. Trying to figure out where I was drove me crazy.
Most of the rooms were devoted to a single god. Some were to multiple gods. There was always a state made of wood depicting the deity or deities in question.
The halls were decorated with paintings of various gods. There wasn't a single place that didn't have an image of some deity or other. Even the floor was decorated with images of the divine. We passed by a bathroom, and the toilet was made to look like the god of raw sewage.
"Thou dost not needeth to worry about damaging the images, Saint Gustav. This temple ist protected by powerful magic," a priestess assured me.
Honestly, as much as the Dark Elves creeped me out, I was genuinely impressed. I've been to the Holy See of this world and its equivalent in my old world, and neither was this filled with pictures of their religion.
"I don't think humans are capable of this level of devotion," I thought.
"Creepy stalkers are," Dʰéǵʰom replied.
"I'm not sure about that. I haven't heard of any stalkers that went this far."
The priestesses stopped and knelt down. Then, they stood up.
"What was that?" I asked.
"That wast our 501st prayer," one of them answered. "We must pray at least 1,000 times a day. Dost not worry, Saint Gustav. We don't expect the same of laywomen. They only hath to pray 300 times a day."
"How the fuck do they get anything done?" I thought.
"I have no idea," Dʰéǵʰom groaned.
Then, the priests stopped.
"Here we art," one of them pointed into a room. "The shrine of Dʰéǵʰom. Thou must be ecstatic to sleep here."
I looked inside. The room had no furniture except for a wooden idol of Dʰéǵʰom.
"This is truly wonderful! I'm honored to sleep in a place as devoted to the gods as this," I lied.
"Then, we shall leave thee to sleep. 'tis late, and we shall wake thee in the morrow," the priestess said.
"I have one small request. Do you have a blanket I could use?" I asked.
"Thou couldst use mine blanket. 'tis made of the shavings from Krewh's hair," she stated.
Fuuuuuuuu...
Wait, why am I surprised? Why didn't I expect this sort of crap?
"I could never deprive you of that," I said. "I'll sleep without a blanket tonight."
The priestess shook her head.
"There ist no need for being too generous, Saint Gustav. As a priestess, I couldst never allow a saint to sleep without at least a blanket. Mine honor dependth upon it," she stated.
And that's how I was talked into wearing a blanket allegedly made of god hair.